How to Get Teens to Help Around the House (Without Nagging)

The following is a contributed post from Deborah Winters, LCSW and founder of The House of Harmony™ Club

As a parent, have you found yourself constantly reminding, or even nagging, your tween or teen to pitch in with household chores? If so, you’re not alone—it’s a common frustration many parents face during these years.

The key to encouraging more cooperation and responsibility lies in fostering intrinsic motivation. This means your child’s desire to contribute and participate in household tasks comes from within themselves, rather than being driven by external factors like nagging or rewards (which tend to be short-term solutions).

Now, intrinsic motivation doesn’t mean your teenager will suddenly find joy in taking out the trash or doing the dishes. (I mean, they are kids after-all!) But when they are intrinsically motivated, they’re less likely to view chores as imposed burdens and more as opportunities to actively participate, gaining a sense of pride and accomplishment—skills that will benefit them both inside and outside the home.

Fostering Intrinsic Motivation: A Three-Step Approach

Luckily for parents, tweens and teens naturally crave autonomy and independence during adolescence. You can leverage these developmental factors to influence their motivation, especially regarding household responsibilities. Here’s how:

Step 1: Rule Out Barriers

First, consider if there are any barriers that might prevent your child from initiating, organizing, and completing tasks efficiently. This could include executive functioning challenges (e.g., poor time management or task initiation), competing priorities (like extracurriculars or social commitments), or cognitive/physical disabilities. Often, what appears as laziness or resistance may actually be a struggle to find time or know how to execute a task effectively.

Step 2: Validate Feelings

Let’s be real—hanging out with friends or gaming is usually more exciting for teens than cleaning. Instead of making them feel bad for these natural desires, validate their feelings. Say something like, “I know cleaning your room isn’t your idea of fun, I feel the same way! But how good does it feel after its all-done and your room is tidy?” This respect for their perspectives reinforces their growing independence and decision-making abilities.

Step 3: Collaborate

Involve your tween or teen in the decision-making process. Not only does this demonstrate that you value their opinions, but it also gives them a sense of autonomy and respect, making them less likely to be oppositional or disrespectful of parental authority.

Start by creating two lists or chore charts: one for daily household responsibilities (feeding pets, emptying the dishwasher, getting homework done, etc.) and another for weekly tasks (cleaning rooms, doing laundry, mowing the lawn, etc.). Then, encourage your child to choose a few tasks from each list, which reinforces the idea that they won’t be able to enjoy fun privileges until the jobs are done. Collaborate on reasonable timelines and consequences if responsibilities aren’t met, but also seek their input:

“In order to hang out with friends this weekend, when do you think you can realistically have the bathroom clean?”

“The dog needs to be fed between 3:30 and 4:30 pm. If it’s done by 4:30, you can have gaming time after. Does that sound fair?”

If you notice your child struggling to stay on task, avoid nagging. Instead, remind them of the agreed-upon consequence: “I see you’re choosing not to visit friends this weekend since the bathroom isn’t clean yet.”

It’s crucial to follow through consistently with already discussed, clear consequences—positive or negative. This reinforces accountability and shows your teen that you take their commitments seriously. If responsibilities repeatedly go unmet, have an open discussion about potential barriers and adjust expectations or consequences as needed.

The Payoff: Harmony and Essential Life Skills

Ultimately, fostering intrinsic motivation creates a more harmonious home environment while teaching valuable life skills like self-discipline, problem-solving, and self-reliance. With this approach, you’ll spend less time nagging and more time nurturing independence—setting your tween or teen up for success in future endeavors both inside and outside the home.

Looking for an additional resource to help your teen develop necessary life skills?

We recommend Life Skills for Teens: How to Cook, Clean, Manage Money, Fix Your Car, Perform First Aid, and Just About Everything in Between by Karen Harris. This book will teach your teen basic life skills that adults seem to take for granted (but we had to learn it at some point too!). Read about topics like how to get rid of dandruff and how to know if the meat in the fridge is still good—all important info to get you ready for life!