Recently, a friend of mine was sharing details about her teen’s terrible decisions and reckless behavior that has led to some awful consequences.
She expressed feeling so defeated, frustrated, and distraught about what to do next. It was clear she was very worried about her kid and struggling with how to handle the mess her daughter had made with her poor choices.
There was some hard parenting ahead for her, and she was filled with overwhelming dread.
My heart broke for all she was going through with her child. I listened intently and offered compassion and validation, which every parent needs desperately, especially when they are dealing with stressful situations. We all need our friends to come alongside us with unconditional support and affirming encouragement when we are in the thick of parenting our teens.
When you are frustrated with your teen’s behavior, it feels all-consuming
There was nothing I could say that would make it all go away. I could only offer my listening ear and any advice I could give when she asked for my counsel.
And as we sorted through all the options she could take and how each one would play out with her teen, I knew she was facing a long road ahead. I was trying to think of something positive and uplifting to share that would buoy her up from her despair.
So, I reminded her of some big-picture positives that are true and significant. I wanted to point her to the pillars that still stand sturdy and secure in her and her child’s life that she could reach for and hold onto for strength and perseverance.
Learning how to shift your mindset can help you parent more effectively
Sometimes we need to take a step back to move forward.
I do this often when I’m struggling with hard things, and it helps embolden me with the clarity and courage to go forward. I know that when we are in the throes of a crisis, particularly when it comes to our kids, it’s hard to recognize any good while we’re in it.
But it’s in those positive pillars we can find strength and hopeful assurance that our lives are not completely untethered to the core of solid ground.
Taking a careful assessment of our lives to search for those aspects that are still worth celebrating can be the most important thing we do during troubling times. Reflecting on all the positive things in my life always anchors me on stable ground when other areas are out of control.
It surely doesn’t dismiss my current circumstance, but it can illuminate the contrasting pieces of my life that are still secure, and I find strength from those vital parts of my life to go on.
Gratitude can help get you through tough times with your teen
My friend nodded with agreement and thanked me as she said, “I hadn’t really thought of those things and you’re right, I’m so grateful for them, despite all that we’re dealing with. I need to remember them when I’m feeling so defeated.”
Life is hard for us all at different times in our lives. No one is without those unexpected and often complicated circumstances that can pull us under the weight of doom.
But no matter what transpires with our kids, we can always find things to be grateful for. There are many critical parts in our story that are overlooked or taken for granted, such as health, relationships, freedoms, nature, or life’s simple pleasures.
Focusing on specific positive pillars that have formed and hold up the foundation of who we are and what we have can steady us when any storm hits.
When I get stuck in the negativity of a situation, I envision all the sturdy columns that build the structure of our homes and hold true in our hearts. They might change over time, but everyone has their specific pillars of support they can cling to and count on when everything else seems to be crumbling and falling apart.
Being able to turn to steady sources of gratitude during the teen years is critical
The teen years can be tumultuous for a parent and child even if your adolescent gets through relatively easily. The push-and-pull between keeping your teenager safe while teaching them important life skills is challenging, and allowing your baby to venture into this chaotic world can feel overwhelming.
But there are also many other challenging issues parents of teenagers and young adults face that can be extremely stressful, and at this moment you can’t see the forest through the trees.
How can you identify pillars of gratitude in your life when things are tough
We are not saying it is easy, but you can train your mind to deal with challenges by continuing to see the positives in certain challenging circumstances. For example:
- If your teen is going through a difficult physical ailment or injury or facing severe mental health challenges, focus on the friends and family members who are supporting you through this time. Find gratitude in the resources that help in the recovery process or even having the basic needs to care for your family. Be thankful for small progressions in the process instead of dwelling on how far your child may still have to go (or perhaps what they have lost.)
- Perhaps you are facing some challenging behaviors with your teenager, such as experimenting with drugs or alcohol, pushing boundaries, or aggressive behavior. This can weigh heavily on parents. Be wary of continuing to expect this behavior, and instead celebrate the child you know is still in there. Focus on the things they follow through on (being on time to school or taking out the garbage.) Try to engage in something they love and tell them how thankful they have found a creative outlet. Remind them of better times that you were grateful to experience with them.
- There may be times your teen chooses a widely different path than their peers, or may struggle socially. Don’t let the parenting comparison trap get in the way of recognizing the achievements or milestones your teen is achieving. Remember to celebrate the effort, not the achievement. That means a C in chemistry may warrant a frozen coffee drink, or getting through finals may be enough.
I bet you can identify several other strengths and successes in your teenager’s life despite the difficult battle you’re currently fighting hard to win.
Sometimes the most important pillar might simply be the fact that you are all still here on this earth and you love your kid more than anything in this world. And your relentless love for your child will give you the strength to endure.
There are countless ways to grab hold of gratitude
It’s not about what you hold onto when it comes to gratitude but recognizing that life is greater than the struggle you re experiencing.
Our pillars of gratitude can help us survive when we feel like we are drowning in the forceful current of our circumstances. When I acknowledge mine, my perspective shifts, and I am reminded of so many incredible blessings my family and I have. There might be waves crashing up and all around me, but I’m so grateful to hold tightly around those positive life-lines to keep me from sinking.
Our problems can be magnified so easily when we are submerged in them. And of course, we need to dive in deep to sort through the riptide that pulled us under and do the hard work of learning how to navigate through whatever storm we’re in.
But we can’t lose sight of all that is still true and still worth celebrating, or we’ll feel hopeless and completely defeated. It takes discipline and intention to shift our perspective to stretch outside our crisis and take in the vast view that’s beyond the landscape we’re trudging through with our teen.
I’ve also used the positive pillars strategy with many teens I’ve worked with through the years. When we talk through their struggles and specific situations that are stressing them out, I’ll often end the conversation by asking them to identify their own pillars that are still standing strong in their lives so they, too, can recognize there are still many things to be grateful for despite what they are going through.
This always helps them feel less discouraged and defeated and more hopeful and encouraged.
It is a reminder that they can count on those aspects of their lives that can both feed and fuel them while they tackle the tough times they’re facing.
We can always use this gratitude strategy whether we are in one of life’s major meltdowns or even the more minor scuffs too.
Last night as I was washing my teen’s dish that he left in the sink to “clean later,” I found my mood changing. This has been an ongoing habit of his which irritates me to no end. While feeling frustrated at his forgetfulness and lack of intention on carrying out his responsibilities in our home, I remembered he was upstairs studying for a physics final, which was stressing him out.
His week was filled with finals in all his hard classes, and my son is self-driven and responsible for his academics.
THAT is a pillar I choose to hold onto, despite the dirty dishes he continues to leave in the sink. Thinking about this positive aspect of him helped diminish my disdain for this smaller issue that pales in comparison.
My groaning turned into gratitude.
If you have a kid who is struggling and you find yourself crumbling under the weight of hard things, take time to remember what you can cling to that will help you survive and give you strength when you need it most.
One area of your life might feel chaotic, but just outside the border of that situation lies a bountiful garden full of some beautiful things.
Step out of what you are wading through if only for a moment, to go pick up some light and hope and grab hold of your sturdy structures to keep you upright and shift your view.
It’s amazing what the power of gratitude can do.
Are you in the thick of raising your tweens and teens? You may like this book by Whitney Fleming, the co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens: Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love: Essays about Raising Teens in Today’s Complex, Chaotic World.
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