They say the best way to earn respect is to give respect, and that’s the case with teenagers as well.
But respect does not mean we let our teens do whatever they want. In fact, it’s the opposite.
Rules and boundaries are an essential part of any society, and an important part of any relationship. They provide guidance for acceptable behavior and teach us how to coexist with others. While children, and particularly teens, may fight the idea, they actually thrive in situations where the rules are clear.
However, house rules for teens look different from those for young children. As they move closer to adulthood, teenagers need to learn how to make good decisions on their own. This means we need to learn to let them make these decisions, for good or bad, themselves. These years in between childhood and adulthood offer an opportunity to teach them how to adult (via microdoses of independence) while we are still considered an authority in their lives. In effect, we are allowing them to make some grown-up decisions—with a safety net.
Be Safe and Be Respectful: 9 House Rules for Teens
Your approach to setting house rules may look different from your neighbors, or even to that of your siblings. What works for one family may not for another, and it’s likely that the rules will need to be revisited and changed over time.
Some families find that a family meeting helps establish house rules that work for everyone, as well as the consequences of breaking them. This might even mean putting them in writing and posting them. Your family’s rules will be uniquely yours, but there are some things that (no matter what they tell you) most of your teens’ friends’ parents will also insist on. Here are nine household rules that will help your teens grow into kind, responsible adults.
Related: Punishment vs. Consequences: Why One Works Better for Teens
1. Be where you say you will be, and provide an update if that changes.
Curfews are still appropriate for high school-age teens, though as they approach college, you might want to start allowing them some leeway or flexibility. But that doesn’t necessarily mean they come and go at will. It’s perfectly reasonable to ask them to keep you updated. If, for some reason, they will be late, they must call or text to let you know so you don’t worry.
You may or may not subscribe to a tracking system such as Life360 to keep track of each family member’s whereabouts, but there are valid reasons to have at least an approximation of where your teens are. Point out that this is not an attempt to constantly monitor them or control what they do, but is simply a good safety practice. If there is a natural disaster or major weather event, knowing everyone’s whereabouts can help plan next steps. A family emergency may necessitate you reaching them quickly, causing additional stress if you don’t know where to start looking. Or, a local incident may generate concern.
Make sure you state the consequences for not adhering to curfews in advance and not in the moment. Make sure you and your teen are on the same page for what time they will be home, and always let them know that you will come get them if they are in a dangerous situation–no questions asked. Trust needs to be built on both sides.
2. Use technology safely and appropriately.
Learning how to use technology responsibly is an important life skill. Many health professionals recommend limited tech use, for all of us. Depending on your teen’s age and maturity level, you may want to strictly monitor their use (either by using technology or allowing computer use only in common areas of the home). As they mature, it’s appropriate to give teens more freedom (and privacy). If you choose monitoring software (or conduct random text or browser history checks yourself), for the sake of your relationship, make sure you tell them you are doing so.
Consider family tech rules. Maybe all cell phones go in a basket for meals or are left on chargers at night. You might put a time limit on video game usage (or screen time in general) to a certain amount of hours per day. Talk about how technology use can impact mental health and relationships. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach, but learning to self-monitor may be one of the most important skills your teen can learn.
Related: It’s Never Too Late to Change Simple Tech Rules With Your Teens
3. Schoolwork is your job, so treat it as such.
For many families, doing their best in school is a teen’s number one job. Parents may set rules about when homework is to be done (though the timing may vary by individual – some need a break right after school to recharge while others can power through), or just that it is done. While it can be tempting to monitor your teen’s progress daily via the school portal, doing so may lead to excessive conflict and anxiety (for both your child and you). That being said, occasional check-ins to monitor progress can help identify a problem before it becomes insurmountable. Also, keep in mind that it’s about effort, not achievement. School can be challenging for many teens, so we need to remind them that it’s about getting an education and not only earning As.
4. Use the car respectfully and safely
Once your teen starts driving, you experience a combination of exhilaration (that your carpooling days will soon be behind you) and dread (because you worry about safety). Teaching your teen how to drive includes preaching about car and road safety, such as respecting driving laws, wearing a seatbelt, and absolutely no texting while driving. With all this in mind, it’s completely reasonable to set car usage rules.
If your teen will use your car, they must respect your needs. A calendar posted in a prominent place can help everyone see who needs to be where when and to coordinate drivers. Remind them that the cost of gas will be shared and insist that the tank not be left empty for the next person.
If your teen has their own car, it’s likely that you are covering at least some of the costs (and bearing much of the risk). Consider what rules make sense to you, such as limiting the number of passengers, restricting use to certain times of day, and the use of a driver monitoring app for new drivers.
Related: Put These 11 Things in Your Teen’s Car for Peace of Mind
5. Follow house rules for having friends over.
A big part of being a teen is spending time with friends. And most parents love when all the kids hang out at their house so they can get a window into their teen’s lives. However, for your own sanity (and food budget), it’s wise to set some ground rules. It’s always smart to discuss these rules in advance. For example:
- clean up after yourself/your friends (and maybe suggest the friends help)
- whether friends/members of the opposite sex are allowed in bedrooms/behind closed doors
- parties require permission
- there is a set time for company to go home
- when sleepovers will be permitted and if it’s okay for friends of the opposite sex to sleep over
- no illegal substances will be tolerated (even if you think it’s unnecessary to say so)
- disrespect (of the household rules or of other people) could mean a friend isn’t welcomed back
6. Respect guidelines and expectations for dating.
This can be a hot topic and possibly the one that varies the most by family. Some parents set a minimum age for dating. While it may seem old-fashioned, some parents still insist on meeting a date or that the date comes to the door (no texting or honking from the car). For safety’s sake, particularly on a first date, teens should share their planned location and when they expect to be home. It’s also a good idea to have those difficult conversations about sex, consent, and setting boundaries before your child is dating and it becomes a possible concern.
7. Share common areas with other household members.
When you have more than one child, there will be squabbles, often about dumb things. Even in a large house, it’s likely that siblings will both want to use the same space, at the same time. The issue can be magnified when guests are over. Perhaps your teens can agree to share the space, or “schedule” time for them and their friends. There may also be conflicts surrounding family items such as game systems and the television. This might be an opportunity for parents to step back and encourage them to practice negotiating skills in their own.
If there are younger siblings, remind your teen to be aware that graphic television or movie scenes may not be appropriate when they are around, and that their desire to watch such scenes does not override their sibling’s right to the space.
8. Everyone who lives here pitches in! So do your chores.
At a minimum, teens should be responsible for their own rooms. But it’s also a good idea to get them involved to some degree in the maintenance of the family home. Not only does doing household chores spread out the burden, but it also teaches kids important life skills. Everyone needs to know how to do their own laundry, run a vacuum, and wash the dishes.
9. Honesty is mandatory.
Lying or breaking their parents’ trust means that teen will have work hard to earn it back. We can’t keep our kids safe if they don’t tell us the truth—even when it’s hard and scary to do so. We need to find that delicate balance between protecting them from fallout vs. leaving the decision making entirely to them. But no matter what, we need to know they’ll come us with the truth so we can help them navigate whatever is coming at them.
Whether it’s about alcohol consumption at house parties or a friend driving without a license or a kid bullying them at school, our teens need to know we’re here and they can talk to us. And that if they lie about who they’re with or what they’re doing, that it is 1000x harder for us, their mom and dad, to help at a time when they’ll need it the most.
House rules reduce disrespect
While teens may balk at rules they consider arbitrary and unfair, establishing a set of guidelines for your household will help prepare your teen for life. Rules are a part of all societies and knowing how to accept and adhere to them gracefully (or even to object to them respectfully) will make it easier for them to live with other adults.
Are you looking for more encouragement for raising your teens and tweens?
Check out this book, Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love, by the co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens, Whitney Fleming. The book contains 55 relatable essays about raising tweens and teens in today’s modern and chaotic world.
Parenting teens and tweens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:
How to Help Your Teen Reframe Emotions: Shifting Anxiety into Excitement
My Teen Won’t Come Out of Their Bedroom
The Unexpected Trick That Stopped Tech Battles With Our Teen
Teens and Vaping—How to Respond, Talk Through It, and Get Them to Stop
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