Inside: In our effort to connect with our teenagers, sometimes we label what we “think” they are going through, instead of helping them figure out their emotions themselves. Here’s how we can make the switch.
As a Parent of Teens, It’s So Hard to Stop Reacting to Their Changing Moods
“What’s wrong with you?”
“You seem angry, did something happen?”
I’ve been noticing that sometimes we don’t know how to ask our teens or young adults if they are okay.
We often ask teenagers in a way that makes them feel defensive.
Helping our teens figure out their emotions is important.
A couple of years ago, my then seventeen-year-old informed me that being asked if he was “angry” made him feel some anger.
It made him feel boxed in….trapped….labeled….with no way out.
My son was given the same tone I have, which can often sound very direct.
When he is telling a story he oozes passion.
He gets bigger and louder as he paints the picture.
When he is debating a point, he uses big gestures as his tone rises.
If you don’t know him well, you might mistake it for anger.
Hell, even if you know him well. I’ve clearly jumped to the conclusion.
It’s important to remember, especially as our teens and young adults become, they are in the middle of getting to know their emotions.
They are learning what they feel like.
Where they land in their bodies.
What thoughts come with them.
What behaviors arise.
When we label every action with an emotion, it robs them of the chance to land it themselves.
It can put them on the defense, which, you guessed it–can sound like anger.
My goal is always to let my children know that we are a team.
When something bothers you, it bothers me.
My goal is to let my children know that when they don’t feel like themselves, we come around each other. It is our job as your team to help you hold this.
These are the types of questions we need to ask instead of telling them how we think they feel.
How ARE you feeling?
What’s going through your mind?
I can totally understand why you’re feeling so passionate.
Can you tell me some more about that?
Ask open-ended questions to keep them processing.
Avoid judgment. Watch those facial expressions.
It’s not easy not to react to their moods.
Is it a delicate balance? You bet it is.
Is it hard to walk the tight rope? Sure is.
Is it more work than you might do for someone else? Yep.
But, guiding our children to discover their own emotions, and the autonomy that comes with that. Well, that’s a priceless gift they can take with them for the rest of their lives.
A close relationship where our children are safe to feel? Priceless.
The confidence, curiosity, and compassion that come from understanding and accepting all of ourselves, instead of being told who and what we are? Most definitely priceless.
This is a contributed piece by Kerry Foreman. Kerry Foreman is a Registered Psychotherapist practicing in Colorado. She offers Mindfulness Coaching, Personal Growth Coaching, and Parent Coaching nationally and internationally. Kerry is a writer, a system questioner, a non-conformer. She is a partner of twenty-four years to her best friend, a mom to two teens, a daughter, sister, friend, and trauma survivor. While Kerry wears many hats, she considers one of her most important ones to be healer. Self-healing and reaching out to help others on this journey. Kerry offers personal growth groups, parenting groups, and teen groups to assist on that journey. Find out more at www.kerryforeman.com or find her on Facebook or Instagram.
Are you struggling with how to talk to your tween or teen?
Click here for our free ebook: How to Have an Actual Conversation with Your teenager.
Parenting teens and tweens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. Here are some other posts parents found helpful.
How to Encourage Teen Boys to Be More In Touch with Their Emotions
This Is The Type Of Conversation That Will Build Trust And Connection With Your Teen
The Best Connections – How To Have Fun Together With Your Teen
This is What To Say And Do When Your Teen Is In A Funk
Are you struggling while raising teens & tweens? We really like this book, Parenting Teens & Tweens With Love & Logic: Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood by Jim Fay.
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Alana Bush says
My oldest Daughter has just turned 13. She isn’t a handful but has had many traumatic memories in her life. The most recent one was losing her father in February last year.
I as her mother am an addict, 21 months sober. So there has been a lot happen in her short life so far