My Pre-Teen Son Is the One With All the Powerful Emotions

Middle school girl drama! Ugh, the worst, right?

Oh no, you’re a mom of a teenage girl? Good luck with that emotional roller coaster!

Teenage girls… oh, the mood swings!

These are the things I often hear when I say I’m the mom of a teenage middle school girl. And yes, middle school can be, well, awful, to put it bluntly. But drama? Mood swings? Emotional meltdowns? Nope. In my house, all of that happens, but it’s almost always related to my 11-year-old son.

Newsflash! Boys Can Be Emotional Too

I have three kids—ages 15, 13, and 11. My older two have always been relatively level-headed. Sure, they have bad days now and then. My oldest is a freshman feeling academic pressures as college applications have now begun to loom in his future. If a test doesn’t go well or finals are coming up, sure, we might have some grumpiness or he might hide in his room to study.

My 13-year-old daughter has had her fair share of friendship drama (it’s sort of unavoidable) but usually weathers the storm okay. Most days are pretty calm for her as she spends her time doing homework, talking to friends, and pinning Taylor Swift content to her Pinterest board.

But then there’s my little guy (who isn’t so little anymore). He’s been emotional and has had big feelings his whole life. If one of my kids is crying, it’s him. If one of my kids is having a perceived crisis, it’s him. If one of my kids can’t control their despair because the dog died in a movie, it’s him.

All of His Feelings Are Big

While my other two operate at a seemingly calm baseline when it comes to emotions, my third starts his day at a 10. Everything is big—fear, anxiety, love, generosity, competition… he rarely comes down below an 8. It’s just how he was made. And understanding that he approaches most scenarios in life from a heightened emotional state has helped me learn how to parent him.

So when NFL star Jason Kelce recently announced his retirement and sobbed openly at his press conference, and when the camera panned to his brother Travis in the audience (also crying), I have to tell you—it made this tired mom feel a whole lot better.

Because parenting a highly emotional child is exhausting. And it seems even harder when your kid is a boy. Because the truth is, our toxic masculinity-obsessed society isn’t often tolerant of young boys’ emotional behaviors—especially if they involve crying or show perceived weakness.

Stereotypes and Gender Roles Shouldn’t Dictate Which Kids Get to Show Emotion

Is my son a “baby” because he still needs someone with him at bedtime to help block out fearful thoughts of his grandparent dying?

Is he “soft” because the tears still sometimes flow when he makes a mistake on the baseball field?

Is he “weak” because his heart was broken when a supposed close friend left him off the birthday invite list?

Is he “immature” because his grief pours out of him when a beloved character dies in a movie or on a TV show?

No, my tween son is not a baby, soft, weak, or immature—he’s just emotional. And if he were an 11-year-old girl, I wonder if these same labels would be attached. Because the truth is, strong boys can still cry, show fear, and get upset about social situations with friends. And it’s up to us, their parents, to ensure that they feel permission do so while growing into young men.

Because as a mom of boys, masculinity to me means strength, kindness, hard work, and loyalty, and it doesn’t mean burying your feelings.

Thank You, Jason Kelce

I appreciate seeing a giant man like Jason Kelce openly cry about saying goodbye to football. And seeing him break down as he talks about how much he loves his wife. And afterwards, witnessing him and his brother hug it out with tears rolling down both of their faces.

Because that’s going to be my son when he’s an adult. Seeing how emotional he is at 11, I have no doubt that his heightened sense of love, joy, pain, and fear will carry into his later years. He’ll be the guy crying at his wedding. And when his first child is born. And someday, if he ever has to say goodbye to something he loves as much as Jason Kelce loves football.

As the Mom of a Boy with Big Feelings, Here’s What I’ve Learned

Raising an emotional boy for over a decade has taught me a lot. I’ve learned that when he has a “bad day” because “everything went wrong” that after an hour or so, I’ll get the real story—that one bad thing happened that lasted about 5 minutes. But in a highly emotional child’s mind, everything seems bigger than it is until you can take a breath and calmly talk it out.

I’ve learned to let him get his emotions out, even if it’s not a great time or we’re in public, or everyone is looking at us. He’s got to put the feelings somewhere—the anger, the hurt, the anxiety, the worry—whatever it is. Once he’s let them out, we can then talk in a constructive way about what happened and strategize how we can cope better next time.

But the best thing I’ve learned is that although he might be my most exhausting child to raise, he’s also the most loving, tender-hearted kid I know. He’ll give a friend every penny he has so that friend can buy a squishy she’s been wanting. He hugs all of us—my husband, me, and his siblings—and tells us how much he loves us and misses us when we’re gone. He wants to be together all the time—swimming, playing ping-pong, or even watching a family movie.

As much as his negative feelings like sadness and frustration run high, so do the positive ones. And having a loving boy with a big, generous heart has been one of the greatest gifts of motherhood.

Turns out, having an emotional boy is can be pretty great after all. Thanks, Kelce brothers, for helping the world see what I already knew.

For more tips and resources on navigating the emotional teenage years, we recommend The Emotional Lives of Teenagers by Lisa Damour.