When my twins were babies, I had a moment of horror: “Oh my word…Someday I’m going to have TWIN TEENAGERS!” I pulse of dread and uncertainty shot through my entire body.
We’ve added three more kids to our original duo and I’ve realized that I am going to have FIVE teenagers one day, though thankfully not all at the same time.
Now that I’m five years into teen parenting with my twins, I’m thankful for the lessons, reassurances, and reality that my oldest boys have taught me about raising teens. These are valuable lessons that I hope to apply to their younger siblings as their childhood is fast approaching the tween years.
10 Things I’ve Learned from My Teens about How to Raise their Younger Siblings
1. Don’t freak out about the timelines. Your kid will develop at their own pace.
Just like how we used to compare baby and toddler milestones in our mom groups, it’s easy to fall into the comparison trap as our kids reach the teenage years. We worry about their height, weight, grades, sports ability, whether or not we are pushing them to volunteer or get a job, and if we’re doing enough RIGHT NOW to support them in high school, college, and beyond.
Whew. Let’s all take a collective deep breath.
The teen years are some of the most intense developmental years your child will go through—and they will develop, grow, and stretch their wings on their own timeline.
Sometimes they need a gentle push, like my son did in working through intense anxiety when getting his driver’s license—but usually, we just need to observe, support, and enjoy the process of our teens’ development at their own pace.
They are doing just fine.
2. The things that bring your teen joy probably won’t be your idea.
We just moved to a new state and I’ve been eager (read: anxious) to get all my kids plugged into new activities. With my new 6th grader, I’ve suggested several activities, sports, and clubs only to be shut down.
I really want him to find his “thing” but I’m reminding myself to be patient. My older teens have shown me that they naturally gravitate toward activities that bring them fun and joy (imagine that!), often without my pushing or input.
My teens may shoot down my ideas to join choir or cross-country, but they may find their people and their “thing” in robotics or video game club. It’s not my idea but that’s awesome. It’s so cool to see your child come alive when they are learning new things and hanging out with “their” people.
Letting my kids find their way without it being my idea is a beautiful step in letting them grow up and letting go.
3. Give help without judgment, even if your teen “should” know how to do it by now.
Parenting kids with “extra” needs, like anxiety and ADHD, through the teen years has helped me to be more patient with my younger kids and to anticipate the kind of support they need, sometimes long after they “need” it.
I’ve learned, though trial and (many, many) errors, that morning lectures about being more responsible with one’s time management falls on deaf and frantic ears while running around like a crazy person looking for shoes 3 minutes before the bus comes.
Instead, when I see my child is frantic (even if they “should” know how to do their morning routine), I just ask, “How can I help you?”
Sometimes that means making the smoothie while they throw the gym clothes, chrome book, and water bottle in their backpack.
Sometimes it means untying double knots on their tennis shoes, because I’m the only one in the house with fingernails.
Sometimes it means reminding them that next time, signing permission slips is best done the night before, and not 1 minute before they dash out the door.
Could they do all these things by themselves at their age? Yes, of course.
We all need a little help and support, especially when we are stressed and learning how to deal with stress as young people.
Sometimes, giving help without judgment is the best way to support our teens in their development.
4. The big emotional outbursts are not reason to slip into parental despair.
If my twins have given me any perspective about anticipating the teen years for their younger siblings, it’s in emotional development. Big emotional outbursts are reminiscent of the toddler years, but way more overwhelming, even scary at times.
But weathering the storm of these outbursts for the last five years has taught this very important lesson: they pass.
The storm will pass, and in the calm afterwards, you can talk to your teen and work through the triggers and troubles. Rupture and repair is part of parenting teens—we clash and fall apart. We argue and fight. But as parents, we have the opportunity to model healthy repair—explanation, apology without blame, and practical resolution.
My teens have given me so many opportunities to practice this (wow, thanks, kids!) that I’m feeling more prepared to walk into the tween and teen years with my younger children.
5. Developing life skills is a long game.
Do you know what’s a long game? Monopoly.
Do you know what’s also a long game? Teaching teens life skills.
Loading the dishwasher requires approximately 6540 lessons.
Cleaning the bathroom? You will have to physically show them how about 17 times before they can do it on their own.
And let’s not forget about personal hygiene. They will not remember to apply deodorant for the first 2-3 years after they need it on the daily.
My best tip is to throw one into your car. Car Deodorant ™ will be your best friend and will save your life, nose, and keep you from falling to despair that your child will ever learn how to bathe, groom, and smell appropriately for public consumption.
It’s a long game. Keep showing them how, keep reminding them that body wash and shampoo are two different things, and always, ALWAYS keep a deodorant in your car.
However, let’s keep our dreams based in reality with number 6…
Check out Good Guygiene for all sorts of products to help with the adolescent stink! Use code PTTgoodguy for 15% off!
6. They’re never going to clean the kitchen to your standards.
Once upon a time, I thought that if I taught my teen how to clean the kitchen—to rinse a dish, load the dishwasher so nothing breaks, wipe the counters when you’re done—that these lessons would result in a clean kitchen.
Friends, this is not a reality.
I’m sorry.
I wish it was.
But years and years and pleading and tears has shown me that my teenagers will never clean the kitchen to my standards.
Comparing notes with other moms of teens has determined that they too are suffering the same delusion and disillusionment.
It’s time to accept the reality that
- Chores are good for teens.
- They will never load the dishwasher, wipe the counters, actually start the dishwasher, and clean out the sink trap all in one go.
It’s time to accept their efforts as one less chore you have to do and transfer “All Kitchen Chores Complete” into the realm of fantasy.
7. Let the “Big Conversations” evolve naturally.
With my older kids, I put a lot of pressure on myself to make the Big Conversations happen. You know the ones—conversations about sex, drugs, alcohol, etc.
As I’ve parenting longer (and relaxed more), I’ve realized that life gives you plenty of opportunities for these conversations to evolve naturally. These topics come up as you listen to them talk about their friends, parties, family history, or when you’re watching a story on the news.
As parents, it can feel daunting to make sure we hit on all the topics like racism, sexism, politics, school shootings, consent, and all the other things we want them to know before they leave the house when they are 18.
But life give us plenty of opportunities—we just have to take them. And starting that conversation can be as simple as, “Hey did you hear about ‘x’? What do you think?”
8. Anticipate the fun and joy of sharing more grown-up things together.
Like my little anecdote at the beginning, anticipating and raising teens can bring a lot of dread. It’s hard, no doubt.
But going through the teen years with my oldest kids has taught me that there are so many fun things to anticipate as your kids get older.
For the last few birthdays, we’ve enjoyed taking our teens out to dinner at a hibachi restaurant. Enjoying a long meal where a chef cooks in front of you with fire and theatrics is an experience that just wouldn’t be possible with our little kids.
They can’t sit that long; the fire is scary; they only like plain white rice and nothing else (if you know, you know)!
But as our kids get older, they want to try and experience new things. They can take longer hikes, visit history museums, and watch grown up TV shows. And the memes!! The parent-teen meme chat on Instagram is one of the best parts of your kid getting older.
My older boys have shown me that the teen years are not all dread and bad attitudes—there is so much joy and fun to anticipate as well.
Related: Ten Fun Activities to Bond with Your Teenagers
9. Adding people to your village will make your life more abundant.
When our kids were little, our group of mom friends helped us through those sleepless nights, two-year-old tantrums, and anxiety about meeting milestones.
As our kids get older, and especially as we get into the teen years, we still need our village, but it often looks a little different.
Maybe our mom group has faded or changed, or we don’t feel comfortable talking about the big stuff our kids are experiencing.
In looking at the way our village has shifted, I’ve realized that coaches and band directors have become important influences in my teens’ lives.
The fellow adults at the animal shelter they volunteer at have become mentors and guides.
The pediatrician, school counselor, and therapist have risen in prominence in our teens’ lives.
The village morphs into the people who are supporting our teens, and not just who is supporting us as parents.
We still need our friends, for sure, friends we can be honest and authentic with about our parenting and life struggles, but letting the village naturally evolve as our younger kids grow into the teen years can make our lives more abundant and help us know that we are not alone.
10. Don’t anticipate the future so much that you miss out on the joy of the present.
My teens are juniors in high school this year and I feel like every other conversation we have is about their future. Graduation will be here before we know it and I’m torn between screaming at life to slow down and being excited to see where their future takes them.
But I’m realizing that there is a third option, and one that I am trying to employ with my younger kids too: Enjoying the moment.
Their development is delightful right now.
What they are learning and doing in school is amazing and important for TODAY, not just for what it will bring them in the future.
Related: I Don’t Want My Kids to Miss Out on High School Trying to Get Into College
Their extra-curricular activities have value because they bring fun, friendship, and joy in the moment, not just because they might be a scholarship option for college.
Our teens are not just a future waiting to happen. Their real lives are happening right now! I’m trying to remind myself to be present and enjoy it, and to do the same as I look at how my younger kids are growing up too.
My twins are my first two kids. I’m growing up with them even as they grow up. They have taught, and are teaching me, so much of what it means to be a parent. I hope that the lessons they’ve taught me will only help me be a more present, more patient, and more joyful parent as I get to experience teenager-hood three more times in the coming years.
Looking for a book that will help you feel less alone during these challenging years of raising teens?
We recommend You’re Not a Failure: My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either by Whitney Fleming. With this book, you can flip the narrative about raising teenagers by taking control of your emotions and responses to create a loving, supportive relationship.
Parenting teens and tweens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:
Accepting Our Teens for Who They Are is the Greatest Gift We Offer
5 Amazing Organizational Apps for Teens to Help Them Balance Their Lives
How To Overcome The Five Biggest Challenges Of Raising Teens
20 Ways to Show Your Teen Love When They Don’t Want a Hug
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