Growing Up Strict: How Harsh Discipline Affects Growth and Development

Dr. Eichin Chang-Lim is the author of Talking About Adolescence: Book 1: Anxiety, Depression, and Adolescent Mental Health and Book 2: Supercharge Your Body and Brain Power.

Disclaimer: While I hold a master’s degree in psychology, I am not a licensed clinical psychologist. My professional license focuses on optometry. Everything I share in this article is based on my experience growing up in a strict family, my studies, and research.

A Childhood that Revolved Around Physical Discipline

Our kids don’t come into this world with an operational manual or parental guidebook. We frequently follow the parenting styles of our upper generations or let our cultural norms influence us. My story is deeply rooted in such influences.

I was born and raised in Asia, deeply immersed in a culture that values strict discipline and unwavering respect for authority. In our household, the rules set by my parents were absolute, and any deviation from their expectations—whether in behavior or academic performance—was met with harsh consequences. We lived in a close-knit community where parents often bragged about or compared their children with others, fueling the pressure to conform and excel.

My parents firmly believed in physical discipline. Our family adhered to numerous rules, with a bamboo stick or belt ready to enforce them if we disobeyed or failed to meet expectations. After each disciplinary session, my mother often recited her favorite Chinese idiom: “Jade can only become a useful vessel through chiseling, cutting, and polishing.” She often justified her actions by saying, “I wanted you to feel the pain because I love you, and I want you to grow up to be successful.”

One incident when I was in sixth grade left a lasting impact. I was running late for school and rushed out without my usual morning routine. Not long after I arrived at school, my parents appeared at the classroom door and called me into the hallway. Without warning, my father slapped me, knocking me to the ground and then left without a word. As I staggered back into the classroom, all eyes were on me. The silence was deafening, and the humiliation was overwhelming.

That night, my father explained that the punishment was for failing to greet my grandmother before leaving the house. “Respecting your elders is a crucial life lesson,” he said. The emotional scars from that day have never fully healed.

This was a turning point in my understanding of discipline, respect, and the complex relationship between pain and love in parenting.

9 Ways Growing Up in a Strict Household Affects Mental Health

Yes, there is evidence suggesting that children raised in strict households can become high achievers. This is often due to the high expectations and structured environment that strict parenting creates. Some key points from research suggest that children may develop high ambition and achievement, self-discipline, and respect for rules and order. 

However, there are some negative consequences. According to psychological studies, harsh parenting practices, often referred to as authoritarian parenting, can have significant implications for a teenager’s mental health.

1. Increased risk of mental health issues

• Teens raised in strict households are at a higher risk of developing mental health issues due to pressure and a lack of emotional support.
• Symptoms of anxiety and depression are more prevalent among these teens, often resulting from chronic stress, emotional suppression, and insufficient emotional support.
• Psychological inflexibility is associated with a higher likelihood of mental health problems.
• Emotional regulation skills may be underdeveloped due to restricted emotional expression and management.
• Strict parenting may hinder open communication about personal issues, including mental health concerns. Some situations may be associated with disordered eating.

2. Lower self-esteem

• A focus on punishment rather than positive reinforcement can lead to lower self-esteem in teens.
• Constant criticism and lack of autonomy can erode self-esteem, leading to feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness.
• Teens may become overly reliant on external validation, tying their self-worth to achievements or meeting parental expectations rather than intrinsic qualities.

3. Difficulty in decision-making

• Overly controlling parenting can impede a teen’s ability to make independent decisions.
• Adherence to rigid rules within strict households may cause difficulties in decision-making.

4. Reduced emotional regulation skills

• Lack of free emotional expression can hinder emotional regulation.
• Reduced emotional regulation skills: A lack of free emotional expression and management can impair emotional regulation.
• High parental standards can lead to unrealistic goals, causing stress and dissatisfaction.
• Strict expectations can foster unhealthy perfectionism and a fear of disappointing parents.

5. Lack of coping skills

• Teens may lack essential coping skills due to overprotective parenting that shields them from decision-making and consequences.
• This can result in lower emotional resilience and difficulty managing stress and adversity.

6. Rebellion and behavioral issues

• Teens may engage in covert behaviors, such as lying or sneaking out, in response to strict parenting.
• Strict parenting can increase rebellious behavior as teens seek autonomy.
• In extreme cases, teens may rebel against rules and authority, potentially engaging in risky behaviors like substance abuse or truancy to assert their independence.

Related: The Best Way to Understand Your Teen’s Behavior Is to Start with Their Brain

7. Strained parent-child relationships

• The authoritarian approach can strain the relationship between parents and teens, leading to feelings of anger and a desire to escape.

8. Poor social skills

• Strict parental control can inhibit the development of social skills and peer relationships, which stunts overall social-emotional growth and development.
• Growing up in a controlling environment may hinder the ability to form healthy relationships and lead to a general distrust of others.

9. Transgenerational effects

• The psychological impact of strict parenting can extend into adulthood, affecting future relationships, parenting practices, and overall mental health.
• Adults raised in such environments may experience chronic health issues due to the long-term mental health consequences.

Understanding the effects of strict and rigid parenting can help parents adopt more balanced and supportive approaches, ultimately improving adolescent mental health and overall well-being.

Reflecting on My Strict Upbringing

After that humiliating day at school, depression devoured me. Suicidal thoughts occasionally crossed my mind. Writing in a diary became a means of escape during those dark times. However, upon entering high school, I began to see a brighter future. I decided to focus on my studies, determined to get into a reputable university far from home. And I succeeded.

Like a bird flying away from its cage, I found freedom from my parents’ confinement and overbearing temperament. I learned that concentrating on my studies helped the nagging sense of depression dissipate.

It was not until I sought professional help that I began to understand the connection between my childhood experiences and my ongoing mental health challenges. Once, when I confided in my parents about seeing a therapist for my depression, my mother dismissed it, saying, “You are so ungrateful. You do not know how much we have done for you guys.” On the other hand, my father believed we had a wonderful childhood and could not recall any painful or unusual incidents.

Yet, the struggle within has been lifelong. Besides the latent depression, my emotions toward my parents constantly vacillated between love, hate, anger, and guilt. They both passed away a few years ago, and I miss them dearly. But I still grapple with not being able to let go of those resentful moments completely.

Through this journey, I have come to several conclusions.

4 Lessons I’ve Learned about the Way My Strict Parents Raised Me

1. Children may perceive parents differently if their communication methods and actions come across as harsh, even with the best intentions. The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.
2. Strict discipline may seem like an ordinary event on an ordinary day for parents, but it could become a permanent, painful, or resentful memory in a child’s mind.
3. Although we know our parents love us, why do we feel so much emotional pain? My brothers and I often pondered this paradox.
4. In his book, The Body Keeps the Score, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk states, “Trauma, by definition, is unbearable and intolerable.” I don’t believe strict parents intentionally impose trauma on their children. Deep in their hearts, they want the best for their children, expecting them to have a bright future and using firm discipline to achieve that end. Additionally, strict parents believe they are fulfilling their ultimate responsibility to raise their children to be valuable citizens of society.  

Related: Healing from Toxic Parenting and Breaking the Cycle

Strict parenting, while often well-intentioned, can have devastating consequences. It’s crucial for parents to recognize the importance of emotional support, open communication, and understanding their children’s needs. By fostering a nurturing environment, we can help break the cycle of trauma and create a brighter future for generations to come.

7 Ways to Switch from “Authoritarian” to “Authoritative” Parenting

Strict parenting often stems from love but can create a challenging environment for teens. Switch to an authoritative style (instead of authoritarian) to foster a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. This approach balances clear expectations with open communication, empathy, and support. You promote healthy development by understanding your child’s unique needs and providing a safe space for emotional expression.

Transitioning from authoritarian to authoritative parenting takes time, so be patient. The rewards of a positive relationship are well worth the effort.

1. Understand adolescent brain development

With advancements in technology and the use of functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), neuroscientists have discovered that myelination is not fully complete until around 25 years old. Additionally, the prefrontal lobe, a significant part of our brain, does not fully mature until the ages of 23 to 25 or even beyond. This finding has sparked a vast interest in studying adolescent brain growth, particularly in relation to typical mood swings, risk-seeking behavior, and impulsivity during the teenage years.

It is important to understand that the discord between parents and teens often stems from adolescent brains not functioning like fully developed adult brains. Adults, with their fully developed brains, typically think with the frontal lobe—the rational part associated with good decision-making and impulse control. Adolescents, however, process information primarily with the amygdala, the brain’s emotional center, and the reward-sensitive regions. As adults, we must recognize this and manage conflicts with empathy and understanding.

Once you understand their brain development, you won’t take their heated arguments or eruptive behavior personally. Instead, you’ll empathize with their impulsive actions and manage uncomfortable situations calmly and clearly. This approach allows them to use reasoning and discussion to choose appropriate consequences, which can help teach proper behavior. Furthermore, this method can improve brain development by strengthening neural connections.

2. Respect your teen’s privacy and independence

Remember when we were a teenager, craving our own space and independence? Teens naturally crave privacy and a sense of independence, an important part of the journey towards adulthood.

I vividly recall my daughter’s rebellious phase. One day, I found her bedroom door plastered with a homemade “Private Property, No Trespassing” sign, complete with yellow caution tape. It was both amusing and clear: She needed her space.

As parents, giving our teens the space they need to recognize their desires and develop a sense of autonomy is important. This means resisting the urge to constantly ask about their whereabouts, who they’re hanging out with, or nagging about trivial things like their hair, clothing, or TV shows they watch.

Respecting their autonomy empowers them to become independent and confident individuals.

3. Know their social circle and friends

Naturally, we want to know who our kids hang out with, as their friends can significantly influence them. To encourage a positive social environment, try to make your home a welcoming place for their friends. Consider setting up age-appropriate activities like video games and movies. During those years, we set up a ping-pong table in our garage and a basketball hoop in our front yard.

Encourage your children to bring friends home for fun or to collaborate on homework and school projects. You will gain valuable insights into their world and build stronger bonds by spending time around them.

4. Encourage open communication and thoughtful reflection

When discussing important topics with your teen, start by calming yourself. Practicing patience and mindfulness helps you avoid saying things in the heat of the moment that you might regret later.

For example, resist the urge to yell if your teen comes home late. Instead, try a gentle approach: “I was worried when you came home late. Would you like to talk about what happened?” This invites a two-way, open conversation without sounding accusatory and maintains a warm, open tone.

Offer choices within established boundaries to encourage responsibility while giving your teen some autonomy. For instance, ask, “If you come home after midnight, which consequence would you prefer—losing the privilege of having car keys for a week or no allowance for a week?” Adjust consequences to fit the situation.

Neuroscience shows that encouraging deep thinking in teens enhances brain development, strengthens neural connections, and improves executive function. You support your teen’s cognitive growth and well-being by cultivating an environment that promotes thoughtful reflection and open communication.

5. Listen with your heart: The power of active listening

In the whirlwind of daily life, it’s easy to become distracted and miss the important things. With our teens, active listening is essential for building strong, trusting relationships.

Let me share a personal moment that changed my perspective. One evening, my special-needs son, then a sophomore in high school, came to me with a declaration: “Mom, you need to let me grow up the way I want and explore the world. If I fall, let me learn from my mistake.” My heart raced. Images of potential dangers flashed through my mind. A mother’s protective speech was on the tip of my tongue. But I swallowed those words and did something different—I listened.

Remember that time is precious. When your teen comes to you with concerns, give them undivided attention. Put away distractions, make eye contact, and show genuine interest in what they have to say. Avoid jumping to conclusions or offering unsolicited advice. Instead, listen carefully and try to understand their perspective. Sometimes, hearing them out can have a significant impact.

Active listening not only shows respect but also encourages open communication and trust. This can lead to deeper connections, stronger bonds, and a healthier, longer-lasting relationship with your child. It is a small investment with a big payoff.

6. Participate in their activities and have fun together

Balancing full-time work with parenting can make engaging in your kids’ activities during the weekday challenging. However, taking the time to participate in what they love can significantly strengthen your bond. These moments are invaluable, whether letting them choose a movie to watch at the theater or joining them in their hobbies.

For instance, my children were both on their high school tennis teams and passionate about anime. We made it a point to take them to the annual anime conventions together and spend weekends watching their favorite series, like Prince of Tennis. After each episode, we would discuss the scenes and plots, which made watching more enjoyable.

By sharing in their activities and having fun together, you create lasting memories and build a strong, supportive relationship with your teen. (Now, my two children are all grown up and have their own lives. I miss those days and treasure the precious memories.)

7. Know that it is okay to apologize and seek help

We all make mistakes—it’s part of being human. In today’s world, where kids are increasingly resourceful, my own child often googled what I said and pointed out errors. Admitting those mistakes didn’t diminish my authority; it actually earned me more respect. During their rebellious years, I wasn’t always calm. My voice would rise, leading to tension and conflict. Recognizing the need for help, our family went through eight sessions of talk therapy together when they were in high school to resolve those conflicts. It was one of the best decisions I’ve made as a parent.

Don’t beat yourself up over parenting mistakes. We all have moments when stress gets the better of us. Remember that it’s okay to admit we are not perfect, to apologize, and to seek help when needed. Seeking help from a reputable therapist can be invaluable during challenging times. Remember, it’s never too late to do the right thing.

It’s important to note that while strict parenting can have negative consequences, it’s also necessary to avoid generalizations. Every family is unique, and individual circumstances and cultural backgrounds play a role. A balanced approach that combines structure with warmth and support is often the most beneficial for adolescent physical, mental, and brain development.

Are you looking for more information the long-lasting negative impact of harsh discipline?

We recommend Dr. Eichin Chang-Lim’s books Talking About Adolescence: Book 1: Anxiety, Depression, and Adolescent Mental Health and Book 2: Talking About Adolescence: Book 2: Supercharge Your Body and Brain Power.

Parenting teens and tweens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:

How To Stop Arguing With Your Teen: 10 Tips For Parents

House Rules to Teach Teens to Be Safe and Respectful

6 Ways to Better Parent an Angsty Teen

This Is Why Teen Girls Are So Mean to Their Mothers

*This post may contain affiliate links where we earn a small commission for purchases made from our site.