When Teens Start Pushing You Away, It's Time to Lean In

A friend texted me recently. “How do our teens know how to hit us exactly where it hurts?”

I thought about it for a second, and my only reply was: “Because they aren’t stupid. They just do and say dumb things.”

They will blame you for all their problems.

They will say that you are too strict or too controlling or put too much pressure on them or that you didn’t push them enough.

They can make you feel like an idiot.

They will make bad choices, dumb choices that you know deep-down aren’t your fault. Somehow you will still believe it’s your fault.

They will break your rules.

They will break your trust.

They will break your heart with their words, with their actions, with a single stare.

Some problems will be bigger than others. They will all feel like big problems.

People will tell you to pick and choose your battles. Sometimes it’s hard to choose when there are so many battles.

You may also like to read: Dear Parents: You Are Not a Failure-It’s Just Hard Raising Teenagers

Nothing prepares you for the teenage years.

I know kids make mistakes. I know children will disappoint. I know it is all about the process of growing up and letting go.

But knowing this still doesn’t prepare you for the surge of emotions you feel when it happens to you. To know your child is hurting and there’s nothing you can do about it. To know your child may have hurt someone else and there’s nothing you can do about it.

I wonder, where did I go wrong? Or, I thought we had a better relationship than this.

But mostly I think, “Wow, I am really screwing this up.”

Everyone will tell you to enjoy every second because it goes by so fast.

You will be caught in the middle of wanting time to slow down and to get through this challenging phase a little faster.

You won’t tell anyone these things because you don’t want to look like a jerk.

You wonder if anyone else feels this way. Does anyone else struggle with their relationship with their teenager? Does anyone else lose sleep?

Does anyone else’s heart feel shattered in a million tiny pieces scattered on the floor?

You are tired, so tired, of the fighting and the blaming and the judging.

You want to celebrate all the beautiful moments because there are so many beautiful moments. Your love for them seems to grow despite this challenging phase.

But you also want to pull away to protect yourself, to protect your heart that has given so much. It’s tempting to walk away, to throw your hands up in the air, and give up.

When your teen pushes you away, it can be tempting to disengage.

But instead, you can do something braver. Lean in. Choose to move forward toward the pain and the betrayals of trust and mistakes. Confront them head-on. Choose to relinquish control of how their choices reflect on you. Choose to love through the hard with an unconditional belief in your child.

Choose to forgive again and again and start over each day.

Choose to focus on the growth and the learning and the good choices, however small or large they may be.

And instead of speaking from your emotions, choose words from a tired heart: “No matter what you do, dear child of mine, no matter the mistakes you make or the goals you achieve, there is nothing you can do to make me love you any less.”

Because we have to believe that with every action, with every mean-spirited word, with every effort my teens use to push us away, they want us—they need us—to be there for them, no matter what. Don’t be the one to break the tether.

While you still may feel angry or disappointed or frustrated, try to find other people to share those feelings with, so eventually, you can give your teens the love they need—and the consequences to know they must be accountable in this life. Know there is an army of parents going through the exact same thing.

And keep talking and trying to navigate this growing-up thing together—and in those moments, your heart starts to piece itself back together again, if only just a little bit.

This part of parenting is about holding on while letting go.

This stage of parenting is breathtakingly beautiful and intensely painful at the same time. It is a jumbled combination of pride and astonishment and chaos and worry.

There are times you may want more than to just get through this challenging phase of parenting, but today, let that be your goal.

Step by step. One intense day at a time.

And we can only hope that as we begin to let go and send our kids out into this world, as they take the lessons we’ve taught to craft a place for themselves in this world–an even more beautiful life will come to fruition for our kids than we could have ever imagined.

And I want to be a part of it. I bet you do, too.

So we keep forging ahead.

I wish I could say this rough road for you and your kids is almost over, but in truth, it can be challenging work for the rest of our lives.

We need to keep trying to develop tough skin while keeping a tender heart.

Because our teens may keep breaking our hearts, but I also know our hearts are big enough to carry us all through this journey.

And I want to see what’s on the other side.

Are you in the thick of raising your tweens and teens? You may like this book by Whitney Fleming, the co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens: You’re Not a Failure, My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either