This Is How to Handle Teen School Refusal

Inside: Teen school refusal is becoming a common issue post-COVID lockdowns. Here are some things parents can do to help.

Few teens wake up in the morning eager to go to school, but in some households, mornings involve a constant battle. Parents may struggle to get their teens out of bed or have to decide, for the umpteenth time, if that ailment is real. While some teens are motivated by threats of not being promoted to the next grade or being charged with truancy, others don’t care, or are even hostile. In some extreme instances, the teenager may refuse going to school or skip altogether.

School refusal can put parents in a real pickle. On one hand, it is their responsibility to ensure their child attends school, yet on the other hand, there can be legitimate mental or physical reasons they do not want to attend. Unfortunately, by the time they’re teens, there’s no picking them up to carry them to school, and often, adolescents do not immediately share what the problem might be.

So, how can we address school refusal without making it a constant battle?

Related: Four Ways Parents Can Help Their Teens Have A Positive High School Experience

What is School Refusal And Why Does It Happen

More than 1 in 4 students in the U.S. missed 10% or more of school in 2024.

As parents, it’s important we understand the difference between academic burnout and school refusal. While, as parents we do not want to reward teens who simply don’t feel like going to school, sometimes all we need is time to reset. Stress and anxiety can lead to physical ailments, or even larger mental ones. Taking a day off may serve as a pressure relief valve, allowing your teen to relax and recharge. Jenni Brennan, LICSW, says, “I think all of us – whether we are kids or adults – require days off to do nothing and to take care of ourselves. I wish mental health days were treated the same as days off for physical illness.” Related: Our Teens Are Completely Stressed Out: Here Are 7 Simple Ways to Help

School refusal is different from a teen who may not want to go to school because they didn’t study for their Geometry test. According to the Child Mind Institute: “Most kids don’t want to go to school once in a while. But kids with what experts call “school refusal” have a lot of very extreme anxiety about going to school. Your child may have school refusal if they often try very hard to avoid school and get extremely upset about going. Kids with school refusal may also feel sick a lot and regularly visit the nurse. While it is true that some game-playing might well be involved, it’s important to understand that school refusal is not the same as playing hooky. It isn’t driven by the allure of having fun outside of school, but rather by an aversion to school itself.”

Of course, we can’t help if we don’t understand the “why.” When your teen says they don’t want to go to school, show curiosity, rather than anger. Get them talking. But be prepared for resistance; they might not want to admit their reason. It may feel like your teen is being lazy and unmotivated, but dig deeper. Some adolescents may be embarrassed that they are struggling (since it appears everyone else has it together), while still others may have undiagnosed mental or emotional issues. Communication is crucial. They need to know that we are on their side, even if our goals seem to be at odds.

Some reasons your middle school or high school student may not want to go to school include:

• Bullying/feeling unsafe
• Social anxiety
• Academic pressure from parents/teachers
• Learning difficulties such as Dyslexia, ADHD, Dysgraphia, etc.
• Fear of catastrophic events, such as school shootings, weather, etc.
• Mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression, eating disorders, etc.
• Problems at home, such as financial instability, grief over the loss of a loved one, illness, etc.

How Can Parents Help Their Teens with School Refusal

Address bullying

High school and middle school kids can be brutally critical and jaw-droppingly mean. While most schools have policies in place to address and prevent it, bullying often happens where adults can’t witness it, such as in bathrooms, on buses, or online. Victims are often reluctant to report incidents due either to embarrassment or the fear of retribution. If you discover your child has been bullied, act immediately. If appropriate, provide them with a script to help them respond, and consider practicing these in much the same way you would help them prepare for a job interview. In more serious cases, involve the school or even the police. For additional resources, check out this Bullying Resource Center

Keep tabs on academics

Many parents start to scale back their involvement with their child’s academics in middle and high school, but if your tween or teen starts refusing to go to school, it is time to touch base with his teachers and discuss any academic issues. While many kids are diagnosed in elementary grades, some spend years “masking” symptoms of ADHD or other disorders. Executive function challenges may first appear or become more pronounced as assignments become more independent and less structured. This also may be the first time some students struggle with academics, impacting their confidence and self-image. Parents can help by supplying organizational tools, offering tips on scheduling and prioritizing tasks, or seeking additional support from their school or academic services organizations.

Help them set goals

When an adolescent is not thriving at school, they may feel like they lose purpose, and there is no point in attending. Some teens need concrete evidence that school will benefit them. Talk about their goals and what steps will help achieve them. If they have clear career goals, talk about what they need to do to get there. For most, some level of educational success is necessary, or at the very least, will make it easier to reach those goals. If your teen has no career plans, talk about what they want their adult lives to look like. What sort of house, car, or clothing do they want to have? What do they want to do with their free time? How much money will they need to achieve these goals and what sort of job will provide for these wants? Related: 4 Ways Parents Can Help Teens Find Their Future Careers

Prioritize Mental Health

Emotional and mental health issues can show up in many ways, including school refusal. If you believe your adolescent child is dealing with a mental health issue, contact your physician or a licensed mental health provider as soon as possible. In the interim, focus more on your child’s mental health than attending school. This can help you and your teen identify what they are experiencing, any triggers, and potential solutions together. Helping your teen establish a routine can help them manage their anxiety about going to school, such as incorporating relaxation techniques into their day, helping them develop a clear and consistent schedule, and securing trusted adults your teen can approach at school when help is needed.

Encourage healthy tech boundaries

Excessive technology use, such as playing video games for hours at a time, incessantly scrolling through social media, or watching mindless videos as a coping mechanism to numb negative emotions, can have a detrimental impact on your teen’s emotional well-being. Consider sitting down with your child and assessing how much time they spend on tech and, more importantly, what they are using it for (understanding that not all tech usage is bad.) You might like to read this post: Here Are The Tech Rules You Need To Be Setting For Your Tweens and Teens

Help Them Manage Stress

School can be a stressful place for tweens and teens. Issues such as academic pressure, challenging course loads, social media, vaping, friendship and relationship drama, and peer pressure can be tough to navigate. Parents can help their children manage everyday stress by offering effective coping skills for teens. You don’t have to have a diagnosed anxiety disorder to sometimes feel overwhelmed and hopeless. Everyone can benefit from having a toolbox to pull from at these times. Suggest several ideas to your teen (it doesn’t hurt to start with even younger kids) and practice them before they are needed. Point out that you sometimes use these as well. Consider consulting with your family doctor or a therapist to determine if further intervention is necessary.

Even high achievers are not exempt from struggles, which can then lead to depression and anxiety. They may worry about not meeting expectations (by parents, educators, or even themselves) or pressure from (usually well-meaning) adults who point out that their grades, especially during their junior year, “go on their permanent record” and are crucial to getting into the “right” colleges. These students may benefit from hearing that a single, or even a few, bad grades will not define them or prevent them from reaching their goals.

Evaluate their sleep habits

Research has found that teen’s circadian rhythms change, making early mornings difficult. Some teens don’t necessarily have an issue with going to school, the problem is simply getting out of bed. Consider whether your teen is getting enough sleep. While experts recommend 8+ hours per night, many are logging much less, due to their sleep environment, poor scheduling, or too much tech use. Help them schedule activities and homework so that they can get enough sleep. Consider restricting tech use in bedrooms and turning off devices an hour before bedtime. Talk about this as a strategy, not a punishment. Consider pointing them to the research that shows this works.

Pay attention to diet and lifestyle

If they seem to have constant stomach or headaches, make an appointment with a physician to rule out actual physical ailments. (Some, such as gluten or food allergies, gastrointestinal disorders, or migraines can first show up in the teen years.) Work with your teen to evaluate their diet, and work together to eat healthier. Talk about the impact caffeine can have on their overall health (many of the energy drinks popular among teens have caffeine contents much higher than recommended.). While most teens seem to have a large water bottles grafted onto them, some may not be hydrating enough, which can impact cognitive function. Have continued discussions about drug and alcohol use, including vaping and cannabis, and discuss the potential dangers, even if you don’t suspect they are participating. Related: These 5 Unhealthy Eating Habits Can Contribute to Your Teen’s Poor Mental Health

Loop in the school

If your teen refuses to share why they won’t go to school, or if it’s obvious that there is a problem when your student is at school, talk to your child’s counselor, and/or principal. If your child has health issues (physical or mental) that impacts their learning, they may be eligible for a 504 plan that can provide accommodations to help them succeed. These could include such things as a quiet place to test, the ability to take breaks (perhaps to see the school counselor), or permission to wear noise-canceling headphones or Air pods at certain times to help them avoid distractions.

If you can’t agree on an appropriate solution with your school, you might consider alternate educational options such as switching schools, such as a charter or specialized school, an online school, or even homeschooling.

Softly try some tough love

Barring issues such as learning difficulties or severe emotional distress, try being matter-of-fact. Depending on the kid and your relationship, try your own variation of “Suck it up, Buttercup.” The law says kids have to go to school, and it is your job as a parent to enforce that. Remind them that sometimes, life isn’t fair. We all encounter people we find difficult, but we have to work with them anyway. We all have things we’d rather not do, but do them anyway. Clearly state your expectations and indicate you are open to a discussion to help them find a way to meet these goals.

Remember, you are not the only parent experiencing school refusal

Parenting teens is hard. When things get tough, remember to put on your oxygen mask first. Educate yourself and seek support, recognizing that this does not make you a bad parent. While our villages may not be as vocal during the teenage years, there are many resources available to support school refusal, and you can get through this challenging time.

Are you looking for more encouragement for raising your teens and tweens?

Check out this book, You’re Not a Failure, My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either, by the co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens, Whitney Fleming. It addresses the many challenges we face as parents today and how we can tackle them to have better relationships with our big kids.

Parenting teens and tweens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone.

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