This Powerful Parenting Mindshift Can Transform Your Teen's Attitude

Inside: Balancing parenting tasks and connection: why putting the relationship first matters most.

This is a contributed post by Susan Caso, author of The Parent-Teen Connection: How to Build Lifelong Family Relationships

Parenting adolescents today comes with a long list of responsibilities. You’re not just a caregiver—you’re also a scheduler, chauffeur, tutor, chef, alarm clock, emotional coach, and values guide, often all in the same day. It’s a lot.

And with so many roles to juggle, it’s easy to lose sight of the most essential part of parenting: nurturing the relationship with your teenager.

Why is connection so important during the teen years?

For me, connection has always been the anchor in raising my three children. And yet, even with the best intentions, it’s easy to get swept away by the constant tasks and logistics. Staying emotionally connected doesn’t always come naturally in the rush of everyday life.

As a clinical therapist with over two decades of experience working with families, I’ve seen how vital emotional safety and strong bonds are. After raising teenagers of my own and working with many others, I’ve come to see connectedness as the heartbeat of the parent-child relationship. I think of it as the emotional layer of secure attachment.

To stay mindful of my connection with my kids, I started viewing my parenting in two distinct roles: the “Parent Role” and the “Mom/Dad Role.” This simple mental shift has not only helped me reflect on how I show up for my kids but it’s also been transformative for many of the families I work with.

Separating the overwhelming tasks of parenthood from the connection we need to foster with our older kids.

The Mom/Dad Role is the heart of the relationship—the warm, loving part where real connection grows. It’s the laughter while cooking together, the shared joy of playing a game, or the quiet ease of a drive where no one’s rushing anywhere. In these moments, our kids don’t just know we love them—they feel it. They sense that we like being with them, that they’re enjoyable to us. This builds trust and safety, creating a more https://parentingteensandtweens.com/tips-for-a-peaceful-relationship-with-your-teen/peaceful relationship and a soft place to land in a busy world.

Then there’s the Parent Role, which is all about getting things done. It’s the daily grind—checking on homework, reminding them to clean their room, rushing them out the door. It is the interactions that begin with: “Have you…?”, “You need to…”, “When are you going to…?” These are necessary parts of parenting, but they often come with stress, tension, and repetitive instructions. Teens tend to experience these interactions as negative, and when they dominate the relationship, the connection suffers.

In conversations with teens, many report that about 70% of their interactions with parents feel negative—mostly centered around tasks, rules, or expectations. This is the problem with the Parent Role. Over time, this dynamic creates distance, even if parents are acting out of care and concern. (You may also like to read: How To Stop Nagging and Reconnect With Your Teen)

Focusing on connection can help improve your adolescent’s behavior

Here’s the good news: the more we lean into the Mom/Dad Role, the less time we have to spend in the Parent Role. When our kids feel connected, understood, and safe with us, they naturally become more cooperative and open. The bond itself becomes a protective factor, especially in the teen years.

It’s important to remember that while the Parent Role is necessary, it shouldn’t define the entirety of our relationship with our kids. One helpful strategy is to consciously separate the two in your mind: after addressing a task or correction, intentionally shift back into the Mom/Dad Role.

For example, after reminding your teen to finish homework, you might follow up with a casual conversation about something they enjoy or invite them to watch a favorite show together. This keeps the emotional connection front and center, reminding your child they are valued beyond their responsibilities. It’s also crucial to check in with yourself: if you notice most interactions feel transactional, it’s a signal to lean harder into warmth and presence. By actively choosing moments to simply enjoy your kids, you ensure that love, laughter, and connection remain the foundation, allowing the parenting tasks to complement the relationship, not compete with it.

And despite what it sometimes looks like on the surface, teens do want connection. I hear it every day in therapy sessions: “I wish we did more fun things together” or “I want to talk to my parents, but I’m not sure they’d understand.” It’s not that they don’t want to open up—it’s that they’re unsure of the space they’ll find when they do.

That’s where we come in. As parents, it’s our job to create that space. Not by prying, but by being present and staying available to our teens—especially when they come to us on their terms. These are the moments when walls come down, and real closeness happens.

Our big kids need to know they can come to us–no matter what

We’ve all had that feeling of relief after finally talking about something that’s been weighing on us. Our kids deserve that, too. And when they get it from us—the people they trust most—it strengthens a bond that will influence their future relationships for years to come.

So, give yourself permission to put down the to-do list. Make space for laughter, joy, curiosity, and those small, quiet moments of connection. Prioritizing the Mom/Dad Role doesn’t mean ignoring responsibilities—it means leading with the relationship first. That’s the part they’ll carry with them.

This is a contributed post from Susan Caso, MA, LPC, author of The Parent-Teen Connection: How to Build Lifelong Family Relationships. Licensed therapist Susan Caso provides valuable insights and proven strategies to cultivate a “felt connectedness” in the family. As a clinician and a mom of three amazing kids, Susan knows raising teens can be met with growing pains, strife, and disconnection. The path to engagement and harmony at home can be baffling, but with new communication tools, Susan guides parents to build trust with their teens to overcome any obstacle. To strengthen the parent-teen relationship and safeguard your kids in today’s world, your first resource is The Parent-Teen Connection.