Inside: Knowing how to discipline your teen can have a positive impact on your relationship over time. Here are seven consequences for teens that work.
Does your teen break the rules and not want to face the consequences? Are you constantly arguing and negotiating on every issue? Has “no” lost its power? Do you find yourself giving in because it’s easier than constantly arguing?
Disciplining younger children is pretty straightforward. You take away screens for a few hours or put them in time out. You can send them to their room or perhaps decide not to take them for ice cream.
But as our kids move into adolescence, knowing how to implement discipline and what consequences will produce the desired effect can be an overwhelming challenge.
Before moving forward, we just wanted to give a huge shoutout for this book Parenting Teens with Love & Logic. With over one million copies sold and from the authors of the bestselling Parenting with Love and Logic, this teen-specific resource empowers parents to raise responsible tweens, teens, and young adults without anger, nagging, or power struggles. Learn to set healthy boundaries, encourage important skills, and foster effective decision-making with empathy and grace.
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What is the most effective form of discipline?
Most experts agree that the most effective form of discipline for teens combines the following:
- Positive reinforcement: building trust by rewarding behavior to encourage its recurrence (think letting your teen say out a little later for a special occasion because they always come home on time for curfew.)
- Rational discussions: Allow teens and parents to cool down before discussing behavior and potential consequences, and then utilize active listening and open communication (think talking about something the next day instead of quickly saying something like, “You’re grounded for two months!”).
- Problem-solving: Instead of lectures, help teens think through their actions and make better choices (think of questions like, “What would you do differently next time?” or “Can you let me know how you think I should respond when you are an hour late for curfew?”
- Natural consequences: Letting your teen experience the outcomes (either negative or positive) of their actions without intervening on their behalf (think they get cold because they refused to bring a coat, or they spent all their allowance on something frivolous, but then can’t go to the movies with their friends because they already spent their money for the week.)
- Logical consequences from parents and caregivers: These are outcomes directly related to a person’s actions designed to help them learn from their mistakes without punitive measures. They should be related to the behavior, respectful, and reasonable (or proportional to the issue at hand.) Logical consequences are supposed to teach a lesson and guide behavior. This is what we’ll give examples about below.
Related: 5 Must-Have Phrases Every Parent of Teens Needs to Shut Arguments Down
The Difference Between Punishment and Consequences for Teens
On its website, the Center for Parent & Teen Communication notes that discipline and discipleship share the same root and that the goal of discipline is to teach children to “grow up into respectful people who, in turn, earn respect from others” and ultimately become successful adults. Punishment, on the other hand, makes people angry at being controlled, and angry people are unlikely to reflect and grow.
Psych Central explains: “A consequence is meant to teach, maintain accountability, and maintain safety,“ but “the goal of a punishment is to shame, guilt, impose authority, or harm. The motivation behind a punishment comes from a place of emotion and a need to maintain control.” This teaches teens to make decisions based on fear, instead of what will help them grow.
Instead, teens see punishment as a parent’s attempt to “ruin their life.” In this emotional state, they may feel betrayed and lose trust, causing resentment that damages the relationship. They also won’t learn what they could have done differently. But natural consequences empower them and foster an understanding that they can do better—by making better choices.
We found one study that tracked nearly 1,500 students over nine years and discovered that kids who were parented harshly and with strict rules were more likely to turn to their peers in unhealthy ways. It turns out, in many cases, “tough love” brought out the worst in teens’ behavior instead of getting them to toe the line.
To understand the difference between punishment and consequences, read this article: Punishment vs. Consequences: Why One Works Better for Teens
How to effectively deliver consequences for teens that work
Before jumping in, we wanted to reiterate that the how you initiate consequences for teens is almost as important as what the consequences are. Here are a few things to keep in mind:
- Ensure that your house rules and expectations are crystal clear. Teens are notorious for bending the obvious. For example, my daughter once tried to explain that being in our driveway at her curfew was the same as being in our house. We learned to be specific and stated that if it wasn’t clear, the onus was on her to send us a text or ask.
- Consequences need to be clear and consistent. That means the best course of action is to have this conversation before it happens: We highly suggest using contracts for privileges such as phone use, social media, driving, etc., and then clearly write out what the consequences will be for breaking the rules (e.g., loss of using the car on weekends, loss of phone privileges in the room, loss of social media access, etc.) A few contracts that may help include:
- Give some grace. Tweens and teens are going to make mistakes–a lot of mistakes. Keep a holistic view of your teen in mind. If they are a few minutes late one night because they took a girl they really like out for the first time, don’t kill their experience by overreacting by grounding them. Or, if your teen really messed up (say they got caught cheating, doing drugs, or some criminal mischief,) remember that they are probably terrified about what may happen next. It is okay to delay your own consequences for a few days until you see how things are playing out for them legally or at school. This does not mean you let them run free; instead, take a few days to understand the situation.
- Don’t be irrational. So many times, parents say things in the heat of the moment that they want to take back later, so they end up not issuing a consequence at all. It is okay to tell your teen, “We will talk about the consequences of this tomorrow after we both sleep on it. We will meet at 9 a.m. to discuss.”
- Don’t weaponize their phone. Whether we like it or not, phones are integral to your teen’s life. It’s often how they communicate with friends, employers, and other sports/activity participants; keep up with schoolwork; perform daily tasks; sign up for extracurricular projects; order food or other supplies; and so much more. Yes, you should absolutely have boundaries regarding phone use, but be wary of using it as your only tool to get your teen to behave.
- Involve them. No, that doesn’t mean they pick their own consequence, but when talking about some house rules, ask some leading questions like, “What would a good consequence be if you broke these rules?” or, “How do you think we should respond if we find out you’re speeding in the car?” This encourages critical thinking and helps your teens think the problem through to the end.
- Don’t negotiate with terrorists. And by terrorists, we mean teens and tweens that LOVE to argue, debate, and talk in disrespectful tones because they aren’t getting their way. The reason why we encourage parents to have a set of consequences available in advance is because it takes the emotion out of it. If a teen is losing it, simply walk away and let them know that you are happy to resume the conversation when they can communicate in a calm and collected manner.
7 Simple Consequences for Teens to Change Their Behavior
Before jumping in, we wanted to reiterate that consequences for teens are intended to guide the child to the behavior you want, as opposed to providing a negative response, or punishment, for a behavior they committed.
1. Natural consequences
As mentioned above, this means letting your teen experience the outcomes (either negative or positive) of their actions without intervening on their behalf. This is hard for us as parents today because we think any time are children experience discomfort it means we are failing as a parent, but natural consequences are life’s greatest lessons. They help us learn from our mistakes, develop resilience, and form our character.
A few examples include:
- Your teen constantly forgets his shin guards for soccer, so you drop what you are doing to bring them to him. Instead, he needs to learn to be responsible for his own gear, so perhaps having him sit out a practice or even miss a game will get him to start planning ahead
- Instead of nagging your teen to study or prepare a report, let them get a bad grade.
- If they receive a speeding ticket, make sure they pay for it out of their own account.
- If they break a phone or video game console, do not rush out and buy them a newer and better one. Take some time, make them do the research, and come with you to replace it, perhaps by purchasing something refurbished or used.
2. Physical Labor
When I was in high school, I stayed out past curfew the night before Thanksgiving. My mom acted like she was asleep on the couch when I rolled in, but the truth was she was wide awake, deciding on the consequences of my actions.
It came just a few hours later at 6:30 a.m. My mother made me get up and start washing the baseboards of our house, dusting the blinds, and cleaning the tile floors in the bathroom. Her statement: “We have a house full of people coming over today and you were inconsiderate to stay out late last night of all nights. I have to cook, so you’re going to clean. You will not be going out tonight, but if you want to go out for the remainder of the weekend, you will do it right.” And so I did.
Physical work can be a great consequence for teens because it does two things: 1) It often is not fun yet gives time to think. 2) There is a mind-body connection to the behavior that they won’t forget. (True story, every time I wash a baseboard I think of that time.)
A major household task, such as sweeping a garage, washing floors, cleaning out a cluttered closet, mowing the lawn, weeding, etc. can have a great impact.
3. Loss of privileges
Often, we need to find what “hurts,” meaning what type of consequence will guide the teen back to appropriate behavior. For a lot of teens, it’s privileges such as driving, gaming time, social time with friends, etc. Remember, the goal is to make your teen understands how their behavior impacts their lives and others, so ensure the consequence fits the crime. For example, if your teen is constantly 15 minutes late for curfew, instead of grounding them for a weekend, roll their curfew back thirty minutes until they prove they understand the importance of getting home on time. Or, if your teen got caught drinking, consider scaling back their time at unsupervised events, so they can go to a school dance, but they can’t sleep over at a friend’s house after.
4. Chores
Additional chores, espcially when they relate to the behavior, are a great way to teach teens responsibility and accountability, especially when combined with privileges such as WiFi access, spending time with friends, etc. We have a friend who uses this Mom’s No Nag To-Do List in order to get her teens’ to do additional chores to correct mis-behavior. For example, when her son had friends over and went to baseball practice with the basement a mess, he had to clean the entire basement (vacuum, dust, organize, etc.) before he could hang out with his friends again. The next time his friends came over she head him say, “Dude, come on. I’m not cleaning up your crap again. Throw it away!”
You might like this read: Yes, Your Teens Can (and Should) Do Chores—Here’s How To Make It Happen
5. Earning a privilege back
You can also have your teen earn their privilege back. The goal is to be specific as opposed to broad. For example, if you and your teen have an agreement that they are not supposed to use their phone after 9 p.m., “You can have your phone back when I can trust you again,” say, “You can have your phone back after you have your homework completed and your chores are done, and moving forward, the phone will reside in my room after 9 p.m. until we have re-established your respect for our house rules.”
6. Restitution
Restitution gives your teen the chance to try and repair damage that was the result of their action. It can be a valuable way to learn a lesson and learn to have compassion for others, too.
For example, if your daughter takes your new boots without asking and tears the leather, she should pay to have it repaired or replaced. If your son gets caught hitting mailboxes, he should handwrite apologies (or visit each house) and then pay for them to be reparied. If your teen has a party when you are not home after being told not to, they should pay for any cleaning or broken items. This is such an important part of learning accountability.
7. Volunteering to help others
One of the most common gripes you hear about this generation is that they are spoiled and entitled While we hate blanket statements like these, we certainly know that with all the chaos parents face today, there are times that we let our teens get away with a little too much.
One great consequence to your teen’s unsavory behavior is getting them to volunteer for others whose lives look different for theirs. When a friend’s daughter repeatedly lost a few expensive pairs of running gloves and did not seem apologetic about it, her parents had her volunteer at a local shelter that disbursed food, clothing and other items to those in need. Seeing how grateful families were for basic necessities enabled her to become more understanding of how lucky she was and that she needed to be responsible for her own items.
Over time, she asked that in lieu of birthday presents, the family make a donation to the shelter in her name. It became a family tradition that her friends also started embracing. Sometimes lecturing our kids about something is not enough. They have to see it with their own eyes.
When Your Teen Acts Like They Don’t Care
Consequences for teens who don’t seem to care about anything can be a challenging. When I was growing up, the mere threat of me having to stay home on a Friday night was enough motivation for me to clean my room or finish a chore. For many kids today, their apathy can cloud our judgment.
It’s important to remember two things. First, even when a teen says they don’t care about staying home on a Friday night or losing driving privileges does not mean that they really don’t care. Remember, teens are trying to control the narrative and make you hurt like they believe you are hurting them. Second, we need to remember to treat the behavior as a symptom of a larger problem. So, if your teen is constantly getting in fights at school, you cannot expect a consequence to solve for that entire issue. A consequence is sometimes just a first step to addressing a larger problem. If your child will not talk to you, you may have to contact the school administration, teachers, and perhaps professional help.
At the end of the day, remember consequences can be an effective parenting tool in your toolbox. Use them thoughtfully and with intention and they can make the relationship with your teen stronger.
Parenting teens and tweens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. These posts can help:
25 Guaranteed Ways to Get Your Teens Out of Their Rooms
Setting These 3 Boundaries Improved Everything with My Teens
Parents, Here’s How to Actually Stop Arguing with Your Oppositional Teen
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