Let’s be honest. Sometimes, having a conversation with a teenager is hard.
While some teenagers naturally have the gift of gab, for others, it can be more of a challenge. If you don’t know the adolescent well, it can be tricky to find a connection or maintain the dialogue. You may get one-word answers or perhaps just a shrug of the shoulders. You may find them using the phone as a safety blanket or sense their awkwardness.
The ability to communicate in person with clarity and confidence, regardless of the situation, is an essential life skill for teens and, in today’s world, can even offer your child a competitive advantage.
The truth is there are a lot of reasons why teenagers struggle with having conversations. Obviously, the phone is a big reason, but there are several others, such as the pandemic restrictions, less social time at school and other events because of overscheduling, anxiety, and technology that discourages face-to-face communications, such as delivery and online scheduling apps.
Teens also need strong role models or mentors who demonstrate effective communication skills. While parents, teachers, and coaches who do this well are great, it also can occur through other relatives, neighbors, or adults who take the time to speak to youth. Positive adult role models who prioritize meaningful conversations and active listening can have a significant impact on teens’ development of conversation skills.
How can adults help teens develop strong communication skills
There are a few ways adults can model strong conversation skills for tweens and teens. These include:
- Active listening: show genuine interest in what the other person is saying, and acknowledge their feelings and opinions, even if you disagree.
- Be non-judgmental: Avoid criticizing or lecturing them, and don’t be impatient if it takes them time to get their point across.
- Find common ground: Even if you can’t related, try to find a shared perspective. “It’s great that you have such a passion for video games. I get it, as I would spend hours reading when I was your age.”
- Respect and acknowledge boundaries: If a teen says they don’t want to discuss something, that’s okay. Avoid pressuring them to answer questions they are not ready to address.
- Be compassionate: Some teens have never witnessed healthy or constructive conversations, or may not have been treated respectfully when they tried to have them. Keep an open mind, and know that one encouraging conversation can leave a lasting positive impression.
Related: The Best Way To Have An Actual Conversation With Your Teen
What questions do teenagers hate being asked?
We did an unscientific poll by talking to the many teenagers in our lives and asked them what questions they hate being asked. Some of the answers made sense, and some surprised us. Basically, teens today do not like when you lump them in a certain box or assume that all teens are walking the same path. This is a generation that embraces their individuality, has a lot of passion, and wants to do big things, but like all teenagers, often feel misunderstood.
Here are the top five questions teens hate and what you should ask instead.
1. Where are you going to college?
While many kids still graduate from high school and immediately go to college, it is not a given, and there are a lot of external pressures and stress that come along with making the decision. The cost may feel overwhelming or the student may not know what they want to pursue. They may be pursuing a trade degree or taking a year off to save money. They may feel completely unsure about their decision.
It’s important to remember that college isn’t for everyone, and there are many paths to success for kids today. If a young person wants to share if they are going to college or any other plans, let them offer it, but they may be exhausted from trying to navigate this discussion.
What to ask instead? An easy open-ended question to ask a teen instead is, “Do you have any fun plans for after graduation?”
This allows the teen to share whatever they feel comfortable with, whether it is something fun, job-based, or college-related.
2. Are you dating anyone? Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
According to a 2019 article on teen dating in Psychology Today, “Analyses of 40 years of data showed that the percentage of 12th graders who have never gone on a date has never been higher.
While this may feel odd for many of us adults, additional research shows that teens who do not date in high school have better social skills and higher self-esteem.
Based on our conversations with teens, this question was universally labeled cringe (meaning awkward.) They told us that they do not want to discuss their romantic relationships with other people, especially those they don’t know well. Reasons include privacy, feeling unsure about the status of their relationship, having to address unresolved issues in a past relationship. and making someone feel bad if they aren’t dating someone. They all stated that if they felt comfortable in their relationship, they would surely include commentary about their significant other in their conversation signaling it was appropriate to ask additional questions.
What to ask instead? Many teens suggested asking about outside interests, such as “What do you like to do with your friends?” or “What do you do for fun?”
3. You’re tall. Do you play basketball?
Something many teens dislike is linking something about their appearance or personal lives to who they should be as a person. My daughter grew six inches in six months, and suddenly everyone started asking her if she played basketball (she’s a lifelong soccer player.) Another friend with a son growing up in Minnesota shared he constantly gets asked if he plays hockey. She said the first question her introverted son, who loves to build things, always gets is, “Do you play a sport?“
One teen shared that it’s not so much the question that is upsetting (her entire family sings except her), but the lack of interest people feel after they find out she doesn’t participate in said activity. Her words: “It feels like a buzzkill when I say I’m not into singing, which I suck at compared to the rest of the family. It would be nice if someone asked what I like to do instead of sounding disappointed that I don’t sing.”
We never want a teen to feel less than for pursuing a different path, instead celebrated for finding something they love.
What to ask instead? A great open-ended questions for teens is “What is something you love to do in your free time?” If a kid does have a passion, watch them light up with excitement. At the very least, you might get an education on something you didn’t even know existed, such as virtual reality, geocaching, or eSports.
4. What’s your GPA/grades? Do you get good grades?
This question surprised us a bit, but several teens reported that they get asked this quite a bit, even by strangers.
The problem is that many teens today are stressed by the weight of academics. Standardized testing, the push for more college classes at the high school level, less movement and time to socialize at school, post-pandemic lockdown struggles all contribute to an overall uneasiness about school. Many of our teens feel academic pressure coming at them from everywhere and deal with perfectionism, so grades can be a sensitive subject.
Something I try to remind myself is that I am not a high schooler right now, so I should not dismiss what they are going through as a current high school student. Grades/GPA is a private and sensitive topic that is really no one else’s business.
What to ask instead? This is a simple fix. Instead of asking about their grades, simply ask, “Do you have a favorite subject?” It may surprise you when a student says something like, “I enjoy math, but it’s challenging for me.” Or, “I love Spanish and hope to be fluent one day.” These are opportunities for adults to continue the conversation in many directions.
5. Why are teens always on their phones?
From personal experience, my teenagers hate when people bring this up. I’ve work very hard to develop healthy technology habits with them, but it hasn’t always been easy and they haven’t always been appreciative. They certainly don’t like to discuss their peers use of their phones. One well-meaning relative asked my daughter if she was on her phone as much as other teens, and I think she almost passed out from the restraint of rolling her eyes.
It’s important to remember that every teenager is different, and no one likes being stereotyped. Don’t assume that just because you are speaking to an adolescent, they are someone who spends all their time on the phone. Many teens have jobs, extracurricular activities, hobbies, and passion projects that they care deeply about and spend hours pursuing. As my daughter told me once, “I don’t speak for my entire generation.” (That one made me chuckle.)
What to ask instead: The bottom line is teens want to feel acknowledged and respected, just like anyone. The best way to do this is to ask general questions to learn more about who they are as a person This may include something like, “What’s something you really care about right now?” or “What’s the coolest thing you’ve learned lately?”
Related: 6 Harmful Myths About Teenagers We Need to Stop Saying
Why do teens get annoyed by certain questions?
Some adults feel like the onus should not be put on them when it comes to having conversations. I often hear them say, “What’s the big deal?” or “How hard is it for them to answer a simple question?”
My answer is simply: You are the adult and they are the kid.
We can be supportive and encouraging of today’s tweens and teens by changing our questions, or we can make them feel less worthy or uncomfortable because they aren’t following a certain path or stereotype.
You get to choose.
Looking to feel less alone raising teens?
Check out this book by blogger and co-owner of Parenting Teens and Tweens Whitney Fleming: Loving Hard When They Are Hard to Love.
*This post may contain affiliate links where we receive a small commission for purchases made from our site.
Parenting teens and tweens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. These post can help:
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