How to Stop Criticizing Your Teen and Empower Them Instead

As a psychotherapist, One of the most common complaints I hear from my tween and teen clients is that their parents always focus on what they are doing wrong and never recognize all they do right. For parents, their is a thin line between criticizing your teen and getting them to do the things that need to get done.

One of the primary things driving kids’ beliefs that parents only see what they do wrong stems from our desire to help them. That desire translates into a never-ending flow of constructive criticism.

As a mom, I have even heard this from my own kids. While in some rare cases parents really can be too critical of their adolescents, far more often one of two things are happening, and often it’s actually both.

As parents, we often think part of our responsibility is to help our kids develop into their best selves. Often, that can sound like a list of what they have done wrong. “Your room needs to be cleaner,” “You should spend more time on your homework,” “You should have…” It sounds even worse in list form!

Criticism, even when it is constructive, can wear down our self-esteem

It doesn’t mean we are wrong for pointing it out, but parents can get in the habit of criticizing their teens.

These comments are sometimes necessary but possibly less often. I recommend to clients’ parents to try and be more mindful of how they word their “suggestions” and the tone of voice they use. The same comment said in frustration is heard differently when said in a gentle manner or with a joke.

I also encourage us all to be mindful of the ratio of these constructive criticisms to verbalized praise. I am actually pretty aware of how many awesome things my kids do and when they improve. That awareness doesn’t always translate into communication. It turns out my kids can’t read my mind and see all the warm thoughts I have about them during the day. Moreover, I hate to admit it, but when I am exhausted and rushed, I am far more likely to put words to my complaints than to my compliments. I have heard similar reports from the parents I work with.

I try to make sure my compliments and appreciative comments outweigh my suggestions and corrections by a ratio of 2:1. I don’t have the brain space to count them out. I just hope that keeping the ratio in mind gets me closer.

What is mental filtering, and how does it relate to criticizing your teen?

That leads me to the second thing we as parents do that reinforces our kid’s beliefs that we only see the negative. Whether or not we actually express more criticism than praise, teens and tweens are particularly susceptible to a distorted way of thinking referred to as mental filtering.

Mental filtering is when we hear people’s negative comments and filter out all the positive ones. We truly believe the positive comments were never said! When I suspect clients are falling victim to this distortion, I often have them keep a written list of compliments they get.

The results can be shocking.

For that reason, I encourage us all to put the positives in writing. My dad taught me the power of leaving notes. I loved getting them when I was a teen. Given my kids’ preference for their phones, I often text. If I am at work, or they are out, and a nice thought comes to mind, I put it in writing to them.

I confess, there is some small part of me that hopes by sending these texts, I will have proof to refer to on the likely day in the future when they complain that I always criticize them. But that’s not my primary motivation.

Everyone always talks about how tweens and teens don’t listen when they are asked to do things. It feels like we’re constantly having to repeat ourselves to get things to sink in.

But it may not occur to us that our teens weren’t necessarily hearing the good things either.

It is understandable that many parents dismiss complaints of frequent criticism because they don’t intend to criticize, or because they know they also lavish teens with praise. Yet, whether teens’ perceptions are based in fact or distortion, the belief can be very detrimental to relationships with parents.

The teen years can be filled with a lot of stress, frustration and drama. But they have not yet developed the maturity and the tools they need to cope with it all. That’s why it is our job to understand what is driving their emotions and perceptions and to support them the best way we can. They may not always be grateful now, but if we invest the time in building them up and making sure that we’re doing what is necessary for them to hear us when we praise them and take it to heart, it will pay off in the future both in healthier teens and stronger relationships with them as they move into adulthood.

Additional tips to help you stop criticizing your teen and empower them instead:

Sometimes we get in such a rut with our teens that we feel like we can never get to a better place with them. There are simple strategies you can try to help you improve your relationship. Here are a few simple steps to try:

1. When you are at your wit’s end, try empathy and compassion: Sometimes, we forget how overwhelming it can feel like to be a teenager. Take a minute to understand your teenager’s perspective, no matter how irrational it may seem to you. Remember, teens have no life experience, and their perspectives are small. That means everything that is happening feels big because they have nothing to compare it to. When you are struggling with empathy, try to give a healthy dose of compassion for whatever they are going through–no matter how small it seems at the time. Related: When Your Teen Faces a Tough Time, Lead With Compassion Instead of Empathy
2. Work on yourself. Are there certain situations that trigger negative emotions within you (like messy bedrooms or backtalk?) Do you lash out when you are feeling anxious? Do you needle your teen on unimportant issues? Consider if your reactions are about your issues, or if they are about your teen’s behavior, or both. Awareness of your own feelings is the first step toward change.
3. All communication is good communication: If you are concerned you are criticizing or nagging too much, try writing notes or texting instead. Consider a shared journal. Write down expectations and then decide what is important and what is nice-to-have. Schedule regular check-ins instead of discussing issues in the heat of the moment.
4. Choose your battles: Pick your battles wisely and avoid unnecessary criticism. Determine what truly matters and let go of minor issues or differences in opinion. This approach can help you maintain a more positive atmosphere at home.
5. Be curious, not judgmental: Teens often face an onslaught of criticism from the world around them, so when their most trusted source (you, the parent) starts offering “constructive feedback,” no matter how kindly you try to say it, it will come off as a criticism. Instead of commentary, ask questions. Try “What are you going to wear to the concert,” instead of “You’re not going to wear those shorts.” Or, “How do you feel about that?” instead of “You should have done X.”
6. Focus on gratitude: Notice the small things your teen does and acknowledge those efforts daily. Celebrate the little silly things. Write down three things that you love about your teen does each day. Sometimes we get in a habit of focusing only on the negatives. Practicing gratitude can change the entire dynamic with your teen. Related: Gratitude Can Help Get You Through the Challenging Teen Years
7. Seek professional help if necessary: If you find it challenging to control your critical tendencies, consider seeking the help of a family therapist or counselor. They can provide valuable guidance and support to improve your relationship with your teenager.

Are you struggling with the relationship with your teenager?

We often feel alone during these teen years, like we are the only ones struggling. You may like this book by the co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens Whitney Fleming: Loving Hard When They Are Hard to Love: Essays on Raising Teens in Today’s Complex, Chaotic World.

Parenting Teens and Tweens is HARD. Check out these popular posts that other parents found helpful:

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