When I first became the parent of a teen, I was overwhelmed by how many ways things could go wrong. I saw dangers around every corner and felt helpless to protect my child, knowing prevention of every possible bad situation was impossible. I knew I had to start the process of letting go and had to change my mindset. I had to shift from literal hand-holding to gently guiding. I had to be okay with not knowing every thought that came into my child’s mind. I had to rely on the fact that I spent 13 years fostering a positive relationship and instilling competence and responsibility.
Learning to not react and to really listen increased the odds my teens paid attention when I had something to say. Teens often make bad choices and there is no fool-proof way to keep them safe, but here are a few tips I learned that worked for me.
Phones, Alcohol, TikTok… How to Keep High Schoolers Safe in Today’s World
1. Set rules in advance (and make them clear and specific.)
Set and enforce rules, but be prepared to offer grace in special circumstances. Studies show that teens thrive in structured environments where rules are clearly laid out. Curfews are fully appropriate, as is the expectation that they inform you where they will be and with whom, and if and when plans change. Make sure they know your cell phone number (having it in their phone does no good if the phone is lost or stolen and prevents them using a forgotten phone as an excuse). Set clear boundaries and consequences for when they mess up (they will mess up, sometimes worse than you’d expect), and enforce them.
2. Be willing to be the bad guy (and an excuse to get out of tough situations.)
While I feel strongly that honesty is important, I understand that peer pressure can be intense. I told my teens that if there is something they don’t want to do (especially if it is something that they think is a bad idea), they can tell their friends that their mom won’t let them. If they are away from home and faced with a situation they don’t feel equipped to deal with on their own, give them a code to text you and reply with a “You have to come home now” reply. While this might make you unpopular with their peers, it’s more important to protect your teen than to be liked by their friends.
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3. Have ongoing conversations about car safety
Whether your high schooler is the driver or a passenger, putting guidelines in effect will keep them safer. Some states regulate this with a junior license that sets a maximum number of passengers and possibly limits on the times of day they can be driving. Even when you know they know, remember that teen brains are prone to forgetting the simplest things. Remind them of basic safety precautions such as seatbelt wearing, never get in the car when the driver has been drinking, and that earbuds should never be worn while driving. And do not pick up that phone when you’re behind the wheel!
I now admit it was excessive, but when my oldest started high school, I told her she could only get in a car if the driver had 10 years of driving experience. As she got older, I made exceptions, largely depending on how reliable I felt the driver was and her own assessment of her friends’ driving skills. (She was surprisingly honest in revealing bad drivers.)
You may also like to check out our New Driver Contract.
4. Don’t stop talking about basic safety measures.
This sounds ridiculous, and it is, to a point. But teens are oblivious. Think about it: when you see a group walking together, they are blissfully unaware of their surroundings, to the point that some bump into someone walking the other way and don’t even notice. (It’s that distracted, growing brain.) They’ll roll their eyes at you but need those reminders: keep your valuables safely in your pocket or bag, keep your bags zipped and close to your bodies, and don’t hold a phone casually out to the side or set it down on the counter in a crowded shop. (You might also consider purchasing safety-minded bags and phone leashes that can provide an extra layer of security.) Remind them to use crosswalks and to be aware of traffic (if they have to wear earbuds, only use one). Remind them to stay in well-lit areas when it’s dark, walk with a buddy, and keep away from isolated areas.
5. Keep your cool during difficult conversations.
Teenagers talk about adult subjects in rather casual ways, so be someone they can approach about such topics. When I worked in a high school, I was quite surprised at how candid teenagers were and how little they cared that an adult was nearby. (Of course, they may have shut down if I inserted myself in the conversation or reacted to the subject matter.) I once had a family member come to me when their 13-year-old friend (yes, it really was about a friend) was concerned she might be pregnant. She was under the mistaken impression that you can’t get pregnant the first time. While I was shocked (at both the age and the ignorance), not reacting made me a safe person who could provide advice and guidance.
Being open to difficult conversations will make it more likely your teen will turn to you rather than get erroneous—and perhaps dangerous—information from their peers. My own kids know that they can come to me if they (or their friends) do something stupid like drink too much. They know that I will calmly address the current need (providing a ride, assessing whether medical attention is necessary), and we will talk about it later.
6. Pay attention to changes in behavior.
Teens are moody. This can sometimes make it difficult to tell whether their behavior is normal or if there is a problem. They may want to spend most of their time holed up in their bedroom and may lash out. It can be tough to tell whether they are simply experiencing typical teen angst or if there is something else going on, such as drugs or alcohol abuse or if they’ve developed an eating disorder. (For example, finding drug paraphernalia or laxatives means it’s definitely time to talk.) Also, maybe your teen is suddenly wearing oversized clothing. This could be due to discomfort with their body or an attempt to cover up evidence of cutting. But also, a baggy hoodie might just simply be a current fashion choice.
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The high incidence of mental health issues among teens means we have to pay attention. Talking about these things from the time they enter adolescence and learning to control your reactions (yes, even your facial expressions) can help. Abrupt changes in behavior or a rapid slide in grades can be a sign that something is wrong. If your teen doesn’t want to talk to you, maybe they will talk to someone else. I may be in the minority, but I don’t need to know everything going on in my kids’ lives. Of course I want them to confide in me, but for everyday concerns, I feel it is more important they have a loving adult to talk to who has their best interests at heart; sometimes that person is younger or less invested than I am, and that might work better for my teen.
7. Set, enforce, and model healthy tech usage.
Most social media platforms are open to teens at age 13, but this doesn’t mean every 13-year-old is ready for the experience, or that you have to give them unfettered access to the online world. Set limits on how much time they can spend each day and which times of day you feel are appropriate. Teach them to set privacy filters so that personal information isn’t publicly displayed. Remind them that they don’t have to respond to messages from those they don’t know and to avoid sharing their location whether that be through tagging their location or posting photos that clearly show where they are. Be sure to include consequences for breaking safety rules. While they will argue the fact, access to a smartphone is a privilege, nor a right for teens.
You may choose to use parental controls, either through your phone or internet provider or purchased separately, but know that teens are resourceful and often find their way around them. For this reason, it’s a good idea to periodically talk about potential dangers of talking to strangers online and why screen limits are important. Ideally, your teen will gradually take over and set online boundaries on their own.
Consider whether you want to ban devices from bedrooms overnight. Some families park smartphones and even laptops to charge overnight. Teens may more readily give up their devices if the overnight rule also applies to parents. (Though an exception can be made if family members rely on you and your cell is the only way for them to reach you.)
8. Use social media.
Pay attention to what social media your teen uses, and consider signing up for an account yourself. Even if you’re not linked on said platform, having a presence will expose you to what’s out there. Join parent Facebook groups, such as Support for Parenting Teens and Tweens or one local to you. While some of the things you learn many be shocking and a little scary, being in the dark is worse. While many things are the same (think bullying and peer pressure), high school is different from when we were teens. But knowing current trends will prepare you for some difficult situations and perhaps provide some conversation starters to use with your own teen.
By the time the latest dangerous trend hits mainstream news, it may be too late to be proactive and talk to your teen about it. TikTok challenges have ranged from destructive (like trashing public bathrooms) to deadly (like the choking game). While this can tempt you to ban the app from your child’s phone, this is not likely effective (those resourceful teens!) Instead, take the opportunity to talk about it. What makes the platform appealing? How does your teen plan on using it? How does it shape teen behavior? You may be surprised to learn your teen is more savvy than you realized. Like so many other tools in life, there are both good and bad aspects.
Parenting teens vs. younger children is easier in some ways, but oh so much harder in others. At this stage, they expect and deserve to get more freedom as they learn how to navigate challenges they will encounter throughout their lives. We’ve spent more than a decade protecting them, so it’s natural we will struggle to hand certain responsibilities over. Keeping younger kids safe is very hands-on, but when it comes to protecting teens, we instead have to provide instruction and guidance, then step back and watch how they do. There’s a lot more talking at this stage, and while it can be difficult to balance the letting go and reining in, taking baby steps through the teen years will lead to your teen growing into a confident adult.
Are you looking for more encouragement for raising your teens and tweens?
When you are in the thick of raising teens and tweens, we recommend Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love by Whitney Fleming. In Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love, blogger Whitney Fleming shares her favorite essays about raising three teenagers in today’s chaotic world. Written from the perspective of a fellow parent, each story will leave you with tears in your eyes and hope in your heart because someone else is saying exactly what’s been going through your mind.
Parenting teens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:
Five Parenting Mistakes I Made My Teen’s Freshman Year of High School
How To Help Your Teen With Setting High School Goals
6 Ways to Foster Healthy Phone Habits with Teens
The Ultimate Parent Resource Guide For Teen Tech Use, Social Media and Safety
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