This is a contributed post by Whitney Fleming, co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens and author of the upcoming book You’re Not a Failure: My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either.
We recently received a few reader questions regarding co-ed sleepovers. The situations were different, but the question the same: Should I let my teen attend an overnight with members of the opposite sex?
It’s a tough situation, and for many, the answer is not black or white.
One reader asked for perspective on co-ed sleepovers after a major high school event, such as prom or a concert. “If there is a large group of 14-16 kids, isn’t it safer to keep them under one roof than having them drive around, try to secure a hotel room, or sneaking out to meet up? Isn’t it better to have an adult available?”
Another parent asked if she knew her daughter was having sex and using a form of birth control, what is the harm with letting him stay the night? “I would rather know where she is than having her sneak around all the time.”
Another mom stated that she allowed group co-ed sleepovers, but only if doors were open and she could walk freely into the room at any time. Spoiler alert, she was often sleeping on the couch upstairs.
Questions Parents Should Ask About Co-Ed Sleepovers
For some parents, the mere mention of a co-ed sleepover is an automatic and emphatic NO for their teen, and we feel this is every parent’s prerogative. Where your child sleeps each night is an issue of safety, and the decision should be made with good information and responsibly depending upon your child’s age, maturity, and unique life situation.
We always suggest that before parents shout out “NO!”, they consider asking their teen a few questions about the circumstances of the coed event. While our primary goal is to keep our teenagers safe, we also want them to become responsible decison-makers and think things through to the end. A few questions you may want to ask them include:
- Is this a group event? How many other kids will be there?
- What will the sleeping arrangements be?
- Will the parents be there? Would you be comfortable if I called the parents?
- What can you tell me about their family? Have you met them before?
- Will there be drinking?
- Do you know all the kids who will be there? Are some of them dating?
Trust us when we say that your teen will not like these questions, and they will be embarrassed by them. That’s okay. The goal is to develop critical thinkers not conflict avoiders.
If your teen does not want to find this information out, or is too embarrassed to ask any questions, it’s probably a good sign that they do not know the host very well or they do not feel comfortable enough to ask, which probably gives you your answer.
If they offer to put you in touch with a parent or have a well-thought-out plan that includes an escape-clause if things get uncomfortable, then you may want to consider at least having a discussion (which still may end up with a no from you, but giving your teen a chance to state their case is a huge trust builder for you both).
Related: Sometimes I Feel Like the Only Parent of Teenagers Saying No
3 Common Concerns Parents Have About Co-Ed Sleepovers
For transparency, I allowed my daughters to attend a co-ed sleepover at age 16+ in a group setting after a few school events. When my older daughter came to me with the request, I had to fight rolling my eyes. She was dating someone and it was a disparate group.
I asked her, “What’s the plan for the after party?”
She replied that the entire group would be in the basement which was one room and a bathroom. There was no coming and going and the host parent would be sleeping in the living room to ensure that no one left the house. They needed to be inside by 1 a.m. (after a post-prom party at the school) and if you said you were coming and weren’t there, the host dad was going to text the parents. “You can call them if you want,” my daughter said.
I didn’t tell her, but I was fairly impressed with the well-thought-out details.
Saying yes included talking to the host parents, having extensive conversations about safety, risk-taking, and sex, and establishing a texting code that she could send if they were in trouble. I surprised myself by agreeing, but it went fine.
Based on the feedback we’ve received from parents, there are three things that are worrisome about these events:
- Sexual activity or harassment
- Alcohol
- Drugs
Sex is the primary concern for many parents.
According to Dr. Carol Langlois, a trained therapist and author: “I would honestly say that permitting coed sleepovers doesn’t make you an advocate for teenage sex, and not permitting coed sleepovers probably won’t keep your teen from having sex if they really want to.”
The problem with large sleepovers, even when they are not co-ed (keeping in mind that sexual activity can still occur within same-sex sleepovers), is that they are a potent combination of sleep deprivation, hormones, and overstimulation—and sometimes involve alcohol or other substances (even excessive caffeine can impact your decision-making abilities.)
In group settings, some personalities can feed off others to push experimentation or risk-taking that would not normally occur. Peer pressure can be prevalent in these settings, especially with a wide variety of ages and/or maturity levels (think Sandy at the sleepover in Grease).
Regardless, saying no to a group sleepover should not preclude you from having tough conversations with your teen about sex and substance use. Having a dialogue about sex and risky behaviors can be challenging. You may be dying to know what your teen is thinking (or doing), but you can’t force it. The fastest way to end a conversation is to make it feel like an interrogation.
So, choose times when your kid is relaxed and possibly receptive. Stick to ideas and generalities rather than specifics about their personal life. Tap into their knowledge and perspective rather than trying to convey yours. Try telling stories about what was hard or confusing for you; this approach normalizes the struggles of adolescence and makes you more approachable. Even if your efforts fall flat, your child notices you’ve tried and may be more willing to talk another time.
According to licensed marriage and family therapist Jill Whitney, parents need to have more than just “the talk.” Learning any complex topic is easier in small chunks over time. Many brief conversations are more effective—and less overwhelming—than one long one, but try to do them earlier than later. Waiting for right before your teen is attending a sleepover may not be the best time (although we always encourage parents to continue to talk, no matter what).
Related: What I Wish My Mom Taught Me About Sex When I Was a Teen
What if I know my teen is sexually active with a significant other?
One mom wanted to know if it was okay to let her daughter’s boyfriend sleep over if she knew they were already sexually active. We came across this post from Dr. Lucie Hemmen, a psychologist and author of The Teen Girls Survival Journal, with more than 120k followers.
Dr. Hemmen discusses the bonding that happens when teens sleep (not sex, but co-sleep) with their significant other. She explains how this sort of co-dependency can cause difficult break-ups down the road, considering many teens are not ready for this sort of intimacy. She also discusses helping teens learn to wait for these sorts of relationships, as having them too early can be damaging in the long run.
We also think there is another important reason why teens should not have sleepovers with their significant other: healthy boundaries.
As we mentioned, teens don’t necessarily want to have sleepovers because of sex. They can do that any time, and if they want to bad enough, they will. They want intimacy, closeness, and time together.
What we need to provide them as parents are setting and adhering to personal boundaries, open communication, and unconditional love.
Some parents believe that their teen does not need unfettered access to their boyfriend or girlfriend, while others believe that giving a teen permission to have their significant other in their home gives them more control over their behavior. Things to consider include:
- Age and maturity
- How long they have been dating
- Whether the couple has been open and honest with each other thus far
- If you have a respectful relationship with the significant other
- If the significant other is under 18, whether you have open communication with that set of parents who also may be impacted
- If you have covered important topics such as consent, birth control, STDs/STIs, pregnancy, etc.
Whitney suggests no matter what you decide about a sleepover, parents should discuss the following about healthy emotional boundaries:
- Move slowly. There is never a need to rush a relationship.
- If you can’t have an open discussion with your partner about something, you probably are not ready to do it.
- Respect yourself and your values.
- Speak clearly and understand that others cannot anticipate your needs.
- Comprehend that doing something just to be liked or stay in a relationship is not healthy.
The truth is, co-ed sleepovers aren’t always going to lead to questionable decision-making. Girls have male friends, and boys have friends that are girls. There’s a good chance the kids just play video games, watch movies, and eat junk food all night—just as they do at same-sex sleepovers. But our job as parents is to also know that teens are… well, teens. They’re still growing up, developing, and figuring things out in real time. And that means they don’t always think before they act or make the choice we hoped they’d make.
Co-ed sleepovers, like lots of other events in a high schooler’s life, are an opportunity for meaningful, open dialogue between parents and kids—whether you end up saying yes or no. The best we can do is be available to talk, prepare our teens for any scenario that might come their way, and offer support when needed. Remember, we were once teens too.
Looking for a book that will help you feel less alone during these challenging years of raising teens?
We recommend You’re Not a Failure: My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either by Whitney Fleming. With this book, you can flip the narrative about raising teenagers by taking control of your emotions and responses to create a loving, supportive relationship.
Parenting teenagers is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:
House Rules to Teach Teens to Be Safe and Respectful
Most Teens Want Comprehensive Sex Education To Make Better Decisions
Gifts For Teens They’ll Actually Like!
How to Survive the Very Uncomfortable Years of Parenting Teens
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I’m surprised sexual orientation isn’t mentioned here – sometimes same sex sleepovers deserve the same scrutiny. Overall assuming heteronormativity is blindness. This should simply be part of the discussion. Additionally establishing expectations around whether kids are in the same bed or in sleeping bags on the floor can help manage the accidental intimacy kids may not be ready for.