This is a contributed post by Randi Crawford, a San Diego–based certified life and family coach who has helped hundreds of teens, parents, and young adults navigate the toughest issues of modern living.
Parents of teenagers, what are we doing?
We need to talk, because somewhere between “I’ll just help a little” and “My college kid can’t order lunch without texting me, how did we get here?” we’ve crossed a line. And no one wants to look at themselves, which boggles my mind a little.
We love our kids. In fact, we love them so hard, it hurts. And we will stop at nothing to ensure their happiness and comfort. We would throw ourselves in front of a bus for them and then thank them for the opportunity to get run over. When did this happen? When did we decide to stop being their parents and start being their best friend? The one who refuses to let their BFF struggle? I see parents call teachers, coaches, bosses, roommates, boyfriends, girlfriends, and anyone else they need to, so they can control the outcome, and they call it “Great parenting.” I call it control masked as love.
It’s not.
5 Pickleball Parenting Rules for Raising Strong, Competent Kids
Parenting is a lot like pickleball. So here are my top 5 pickleball parenting rules to ensure your kids can handle whatever happens on the court (and in life).
Pickleball Rule #1: Down the Middle Solves the Riddle
In short, this means you must have good communication. On the court, if you and your partner don’t communicate, neither of you goes for the ball, and it’s a lost point. In parenting, it means stop doing all the talking and start listening to your kids. This sounds simple and cliché, but we don’t really listen to our kids. We interrupt, and we try to figure out a “fix” before they’re even done telling us a problem. Guilty as charged.
We are rescuing our kids because it makes us feel better, not because it makes our kids stronger.
Think about it. If you’re emailing the AP teacher, negotiating playing time with the coach, texting the roommate’s mom, and reminding your teen 20 times to turn in their assignment, be honest about why you’re doing it. We know that our kids can handle the work, but we don’t like to see them struggle. And we want it done a certain way—our way. When we do this, we’re telling our kids that we don’t believe in them. And when we don’t believe in them, they start to doubt themselves. That, or they just give up trying because they know Mom will come to the rescue.
Fear says, “Fix it so they never struggle.” And trust says, “Support them while they figure it out.”
You might also like to read: Parents Who Want to Grow Resilience in Their Teens Do These 10 Things
Pickleball Rule #2: Dinking = Patience
You win in pickleball by playing with consistency, control, and proper placement (also called “dinking”). In parenting, the same rules apply.
Most of us don’t have a patience problem; we have a control problem. We want to control the outcome because it’s our kids and we are invested. We seem to think that if we just do it for them, the job will get done more quickly, and our kids won’t be overwhelmed with all they have on their plates. Moms, this is the wrong way to think about it. Maybe it’s time we take some things off their plate. If they are overwhelmed, sit down with them and figure out where they can make changes in their schedule. That’s the beauty in life: we are allowed to change the channel. Just understand that your kids will take a different path than what you had envisioned for them, and that’s okay.
Pickleball Rule #3: Low to High
When I started taking lessons with a friend, our coach would always say, “Low to high.” That’s how he wanted us to hit the ball. It took me, well, it’s still taking me time to get this motion right. Low to high is a mindset. Your paddle follows your intention. If you have the right mindset and know why you go low to high, you are able to pull off a great shot. In parenting, it works the same way.
If your mindset is based on fear, and you have the “What if” mentality, you are never going to allow them the confidence to try new things. We can’t parent from a place of fear, or our kids will develop anxiety and be unable to take baby steps in any direction. When people ask me how their kids can build confidence, I talk about trying new things. It’s okay to try something and to fail. It’s how they get back up that matters. They won’t be perfect when they try something new, but they sure will feel good when they start to master it. Nobody can give your kids confidence except them. They earn it when they start to build up their wins, and little wins become big wins.
But when your mindset is high, you think, “I trust my kid. He/she is capable,” and your choices will rise toward trust and connection. It will literally shift the relationship you have with your kids, starting immediately.
Pickleball Rule #4: Stop Poaching Their Shots
In pickleball, if you poach your partner’s shot, and you win the point, they love you. If you lose the point, you might get the stink eye. As parents, we don’t want to poach our kids’ shots. Let them take the shot and win or lose on their own. Here’s an example of poaching their shot: Your teen forgot their homework, and you raced it to school the second they texted you. Congratulations, you just poached. If they want to be in a different class so they can sit with their friend, and you email the school administration and fix that for them, congratulations again—you just poached. If they had a fight within the friend group and you texted every mom involved, girl, you just hard poached a situation. This is not cool. Our kids can handle these situations.
You might also like to read: Loving Our Teens Means Letting Go Of Our Own Fears and Control Issues
Pickleball Rule #5: The Golden Pickle: Independence Is the Greatest Gift We Can Give Our Kids
In pickleball, “the golden pickle” means that you just won your game before the other team even had the chance to serve. You may think your teen needs rescuing, but you would be wrong. They are strong, capable, young humans who crave independence. But before they step onto the court, they must know that you have their back. They must know that you believe in them, because that’s half the battle.
The golden pickle in parenting is the gift of independence. It means that you’ve allowed your kids the chance to try things, to fall, to get back up, and to never doubt your belief in them. You did it as a team. Your job is not to prevent the fall; it’s to build a kid who knows exactly how to get back up. When you stop rescuing, your teen will amaze and surprise you. When you stop checking boxes and moving on to the next thing before you’ve even had a chance to process what you’re doing in the moment, you will see how to build a connection with your kids.
Oh, and here’s what I didn’t tell you—the best part. You will get your life back at the same time, because as much as you love being a mom, you’re a person too. You won’t be so lost when they leave for college or fly the coop, because you’ve been preparing both of you for when the time comes. That’s the golden pickle. You are now all capable adults who have passions and dreams that can be realized because you’ve engendered a sense of independence in both of you.
Moms, that’s how you win at life. Now, let’s go!
Looking for more help on raising competent kids who can handle life on their own some day? We recommend Life Skills for Teens: How to Cook, Clean, Manage Money, Fix Your Car, Perform First Aid, and Just About Everything in Between, by Karen Harris, which teaches them all the basic life skills they’re going to need.
Parenting teens and tweens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:
Watching My Lonely Teen Navigate High School Breaks My Heart
What I Wish My Mom Taught Me About Sex When I Was a Teen
Teen Boys Need These 9 Simple Things to Get Through These Tough Years
Tired of Constantly Struggling with Your Teen? These Five Tips Can Make Your Life Easier
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