Inside:Is my teen daughter a lesbian? Maybe or maybe not, but here’s how to handle this sensitive teenage sexuality topic
This post was contributed by Jill Whitney, LMFT
So much about teen sexuality is different from what it was a couple decades ago.
Where once it was awkward, if not dangerous, to be anything other than straight, we now talk openly about a spectrum of orientations and genders. Sexual diversity has broken out of the closet—to the point where being LGBTQ is kind of cool.
So don’t be surprised if your teen or even tween daughter announces at some point that she’s a lesbian. It’s more common than you might think these days.
But you may wonder whether your teen daughter is a lesbian for real, or whether it’s just a phase. Maybe she’s just experimenting; maybe she’ll grow out of it. Or maybe not.
How do you know?
Acceptance Needs to Be Unconditional
Unfortunately, there’s no way to tell. Some girls who experiment with same-sex partners end up happily straight. Other young women find they’re attracted only or primarily to women and define as lesbian for their whole lives. Others come to identify as bisexual. There’s no way for you to predict which scenario will describe your daughter. She may not even know herself.
We’re Not All Straight or All Gay
One thing is sure: People don’t fit into the neat little boxes we tend to put them in. We may have grown up thinking everyone was either male or female, but in truth there have always been people whose anatomy and/or felt gender didn’t fit tidily in either category. (In some cultures this is called “the third sex” and treated with honor.) Queer was a thing for millennia before Americans started talking about it.
Sexual orientation is even less black-and-white than gender identity. Many people feel same-sex attractions or have same-sex experiences even if they’re predominantly straight. In fact, that’s more common than being completely straight (or completely gay).
Back in the 1940s, biologist Alfred Kinsey conducted groundbreaking research on human sexual behavior. His team interviewed thousands of people about their sexual experiences and attractions. Even back then, when homosexuality was despised and often illegal, large numbers of participants reported having had same-sex feelings or experiences.
Based on this research, Kinsey and his team developed the Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale, now commonly referred to as The Kinsey Scale. It describes seven gradations of orientation, from 0, “exclusively heterosexual” to 6, “exclusively homosexual.” People on these ends of the continuum reported no attraction to or behavior with the same sex or the opposite* sex, respectively. Many other people reported “incidental” or “more than incidental” feelings or behaviors outside of the purely hetero- or homosexual categories.
All this to say: We’ve known for decades that people aren’t all-gay or all-straight.
In addition, Kinsey’s research found that it’s common for sexual feelings and expression to change over time. Any of us can be more, or less, interested in people of a certain gender at different times in our lives. Our sexual orientation is usually not a fixed, rigid thing.
More recent research finds that 1-2% of females identify as homosexuals—but 17.4% report having had same-sex contact. A lot of women have same-sex interactions but don’t define as lesbian.
- *Note that the Kinsey Scale was developed at a time when only two genders were recognized. More recent research describes both gender identity and sexual orientation along continuums.
Is Your Teen Daughter a Lesbian – Handling It Now
Which brings us to your teenager who says she’s a lesbian. Since you can’t know for sure whether it’s a phase or her lifelong identity, what should you do?
Don’t say “It’s a phase.” For one thing, you don’t know whether it is. More important, dismissing what she’s feeling right now is profoundly invalidating. If she thinks you don’t accept or understand her, she’ll shut you out of conversations about her sexual life—the exact opposite of what you want. She may have had these feelings since early childhood and just worked up the nerve to discuss it with you.
Ask about her experience. Don’t interrogate her, of course, but be curious. Has she been attracted to other girls for a long time, or is this fairly new? Was her interest in girls inspired by one specific girl? Is she in love?
Find out whether she needs your support. In some schools, identifying as lesbian creates hardly a ripple of interest; in other places, she might get some grief for it, or experience mild harassment or homophobia. Does she have supportive friends? Are other classmates cool about her orientation, or do they tease or reject her? Do teachers and staff treat her well? If her school environment isn’t an acceptable one, what would she like you to do to help? Is there a PFLAG group she (and you) might join?
Keep an eye out for signs of anxiety or depression. See if she can talk to other lgbtq youth. Keep in mind that gay teens are at a higher risk for bullying, discrimination, and substance abuse, so consider seeking out mental health professionals if you feel like they are not talking to you.
Follow her lead on whether and how to tell other people. She’s come out to you; is she ready yet for the world to know? Is she ready for Grandma, say, to be told? If so, would she like to tell her, or would she like you to? Or maybe she doesn’t want any official announcement. The only right way to handle this is what works for her, you, and the rest of the family.
Keep discussing the big stuff. Issues such as consent, safe sex, healthy dating, etc. are universal and irrespective of a teen’s sexual orientation. Educating your daughter is critical during this time and there is no substitute for a parent when it comes to keeping your kids safe.
Wait. Things will unfold as they’re going to unfold, on their own good time. Don’t worry about putting her into one box or another; try to accept that there’s often a lot of ambiguity about sexual orientation. Use the label your daughter prefers now, knowing it may or may not be the same ten years from now. Whether your daughter ends up being lesbian, straight, or bi, she’s still your same daughter, with all the wonderful features, quirks, and annoying habits she’s always had. Just love her, encourage her, and watch her evolve into the young woman she’s meant to be.
Make sure she feels loved. Don’t change your behavior towards her. Don’t go over the top, but don’t isolate her either. Just keep being there.
Jill Whitney, LMFT, is the mom of two twenty-somethings and a licensed marriage and family therapist in Connecticut. In addition to her clinical work, she conducts workshops on talking about sexuality, writes at KeepTheTalkGoing.com, and has been quoted in dozens of articles on relationships and sexuality. She’s passionate about improving communication about sexuality, especially between parents and kids.
Both girls and boys sexually experiment with the same sex. I wish we would lose the “gay, bi, satraight” labels. Sexuality is fluid.
My 13-year old daughter came out to me today. I didn’t take it well. I’ve been holding on to her older sister’s secret-that she, herself, is a lesbian–for more than a year now. Neither girl wants me telling my husband. I feel like I’m going crazy, and except for my therapist, whom I see in two days, I can’t tell anyone!!! Help!
This is wonderful advice. I wish my mom had read this after I came out to her.
My 13 yr daughter told me she was bi sexual I told her okkk and now what she was shocked about my reaction she assumed I was going to react horribly and disown her or something crazy like that lol! I tell my kids live your truth and be happy and love yourselves to always be comfortable in thier own skin I love them no matter what and find someone who loves them and is good for them I’ll always stand by my children matter what. And I think that helps when a parent reassures thier love to thier children.
Thank you! This has been an extremely helpful and peace-giving read. It literally answered all the questions on the tip of my tongue since hearing of my daughter’s orientation a few days ago. And your advice has saved my little one from a barrage of unnecessary qualifying questions from me which would have been designed to help me decide which “box” she truly fits in, not realising there is no box. Truly, thank you! Xx
The great majority of women nowadays which is real fact that they’re either gay or bi but never totally straight.
I feel the same ..going crazy with her secret . My daughter is only 13 and i hate to say it but i feel sad about it : (
I think it’s perfectly normal to feel some sadness. My daughter just came out to me this evening and this is the first article I’ve read. I’m supportive and am not homophobic but still feel a bit of something that I can’t really put a name to.
I have a son, hope it’s OK to join in as it’s all daughters here! I found out last night that he is seeing his best friend and he says he likes both boys and girls. I have always been totally open and he knows I have no issue but I’m surprised at how hard I’m taking it. I’m pretending all is well but sort of grieving the idea of what I thought his future would hold? And scared of how people will react etc. I feel ashamed that I’m struggling as I thought I’d be ok in this scenario. Is this a normal feeling? I haven’t shared any of this with him of course!
I feel sad too. I think we’re normal to feel that way.
My 12 year old’s mother thinks she’s discovered/confirmed through observation & now social media postings that our daughter likes girls. I am going to love and cherish the blessing who is my daughter without regards to how she chooses to love.
But I must be careful to also ensure
that she is being safe and appropriate with her social media and online interactions.
She is my only child and I’d be hurt if I didn’t have a chance at grands. But then again that’s years down the road and I have just as much time to find myself a true love and more children perhaps. Thanks for the sound suggestions on communication & understanding.
A concerned father.
This is what school “programming” gets us parents. LGBTQ kids that have no regard for the life they are making with only hedonistic thoughts and actions. No grandkids and the family tree ends with them. Selfishness to the highest order. Totally shameful. We have truly built a good times weak society that is on the verge of collapse. Great job you woke idiots.
being gay is uncontrollable its literally just liking the opposite sex, just say your homophobic and move on. really hope your not a parent so your kid wont have to live with you acting like this.
Totally agree! My daughter went from believing in fairies to being confused whether she’s gay or bi after her sex Ed At school ..
I totally agree with you Jim, not just school but social media too. I wish,wish, wish I could go back in time and watch her every minute she had access to the internet.
I totally agree. Gay is not normal. Everything on earth has one job and that is to reproduce. Period. Gay crap is just a perversion. Unacceptable
It is absolutely not important whether lesbianism is a phase or a real inclination. Much more important for us parents should be that our children are happy. Only that counts, that our children are happy and comfortable with themselves. Love is love no matter what sex the two loving have. Instead of thinking about whether this is a phase, we should approach the children without prejudice and always stand by the children with advice and support. A mother can go on a journey of discovery together with her daughter. There are enough documentaries and literature about the lesbian way of life, whereby one should make sure that the media are appropriate for the age of the daughter. In addition, one can go to PFLAG and seek discussion there.
When I was a young girl I was sexually abused by a close family member over a period of 6 years. For physical safety, I then gravitated toward women. I was also more interested in women during that time because I had no significant female in my life to help me grow from a girl to a woman. Many people in my world believed I was gay though nobody ever really said it out loud. However, in my 20s I had normal relationships with men, once I found men who I considered safe. Eventually I married an amazing man. Yes, it took me time and I didn’t marry until my late 30s. But I never had any doubts about my sexuality. The thing is without any sexual experience a young girl or teen may not realize the difference between needing safety, being curious about how other women experience life, and truly being gay. That is a real issue in understanding and parenting teens who think they are gay.
Let me start here: Your sexual orientation is NOT determined by genetics. It’s nurture. It’s conditioned like everything else in life you learn to have affinity for and prefer. Every experience in your life, and what you’re exposed to tips the scale of your preferences for things in one direction or the other. I know gay people don’t want to hear that – because it means they’d have to come to terms with the fact that they went the “other way” because of EXPERIENCES, and that would make them different than a majority of the public. They want acceptance into normality, and that can’t happen if it’s told to them that this is NOT GENETIC.
My daughter is a case in point. She’s confused about what she prefers. Over the years my wife and I have insisted on she not “date” or have a boyfriend so she doesn’t get caught up in early pregnancy, lovey-dovey relationship issues, or wind up relying on a man to provide for her in the future. School work is of the utmost importance. Most of her friends have had a boyfriend, and even kissed a boy by now. As a result of this she missed out – a fault I admit on. She for a short term thought she was in love with her best friend (a girl)… but this was because it’s who she was closest to, spoke to the most often, and really enjoyed spending time with. Not having any intimacy experiences, this is what she thought sexual attraction was supposed to be like. Her best friend is dating a boy, who they are both friends with. She was also very jealous of the time her best friend was spending with him. Over the past couple years she has avoided the direction of a relationship. I’ve found her reading books with some LGBT themes or slight content on Libby (an online repository for the local libraries). There are rainbow marketing flags everywhere in her school. She knows a few friends have “come out” as gay. This atmosphere of pushing “love is love” to kids who don’t even know who or what they are is exploiting children. I won’t even go into the non-sense that is “pretend you’re the opposite sex that you really are.”
She has literally told both myself and her mom that she isn’t sure what to think. She finds girls “pretty.” The boys that are around her are unkept and annoying (like many teen boys). Our current political atmosphere and the “me too” movement have had parents retrain their boys to not be forward with girls, as it could ruin them if a girl accuses them of something. So many boys are steering clear of even approaching a girl they might like. Digging into what she thought was “pretty” about girls to her she elaborated: “They look clean, put together, organized, confident, like they took the time to look nice.” — All things she wishes to emulate. She wants to care for her hair and makeup, wear nice dresses, she wants to smell nice. She’s wanting to mirror what she knows will make her attractive. The LGBT marketing garbage is confusing her into believing that this might mean she LIKES girls romantically – and it’s pissing me off. It’s EVERYWHERE, and it’s a tiny miniscule percentage of the public that believes in this deviant lifestyle. And if you don’t think it’s deviant, honestly think about and answer this… don’t avoid it because it’s repulsive to imagine, be honest:
How are two guys going to be sexually intimate with each other? With a part of the body that has spent your entire life EJECTING FECAL material. Your body naturally knows what this orifice is for – it has no other functionality other than that. And you think that’s not deviant or disgusting?
I feel for you…. sexuality is a part of most people’s life. It is a wonderful part of our existence and is flexible as one is comfortable with. I am straight, but not completely . I love women but I’ve also looked down at other guys and had thoughts that turned me on. I am obviously open and feel that you have to express yourself to your children and guide them to their own feelings, and accept them and love them. By the way ,,, I am open at the moment , and must admit that I am very pleased that many people can relate to me. Two girls showed up while I was writing this… they just left… I’m sorry I got off the subject relative to guiding children with respect to their sexuality. Ok… enough….by the way, I don’t believe that sex is the only thing in life. Oh , by the way .. I am 71. Take care, peace ….
Oh wow I have not read one person who is talking about GOD original plan for our lives! You can love your child and not agree with their sexual orientation, its how you deal & talk to them. I would never tell my daughter to do wat you feel & live your life however you want it…but because I’m a follower of Christ & it’s not our will but HIS will, & happiness comes & go but joy is forever, & we all have to leave here, whether you believed or not, this is how I sum it…If you have a car accident & no insurance damage is done, you can’t get insurance then because it’s too late…The Lord says the dead cannot praise HiM!.. so if you dont believe in the Word of GOD here on earth & then find out after you pass that you were wrong, it will be too late, but people play Russian roulette wit their lives, my sister is a personal living witness of how wen in your heart you want change & you give your heart to GOD & HE WILL DELIVER YOU FROM YOUR SIN!..Basically I handle my daughter today telling me in a different way than I see everyone on here, & love support & hugs & kisses & alot of listening & asking questions was done for me…for those of you who are prayer warriors & believe in the WHOLE WORD OF GOD..agree wit me in prayer that Jesus will remove the confusing spirit off of her in Jesus name Amen..with men things are impossible but wit GOD ALL things are POSSIBLE…I’m gon stand on the word of God as much as I can wit luv & kindness…also I agree with you Ray..GOD loves us all but HE DOES NOT LIKE OUR SIN..
It’s amazing how people justify their immoral behavior. Our civilization in decline. Kids are so confused with messages from the media and school. My daughter who used to like boys a lot now claims she has a girl friend. Not ok with this nonsense. Totally brainwashed.
Te amo mucho ❤️