Inside:Is my teen daughter a lesbian? Maybe or maybe not, but here’s how to handle this sensitive teenage sexuality topic
This post was contributed by Jill Whitney, LMFT
So much about teen sexuality is different from what it was a couple decades ago.
Where once it was awkward, if not dangerous, to be anything other than straight, we now talk openly about a spectrum of orientations and genders. Sexual diversity has broken out of the closet—to the point where being LGBTQ is kind of cool.
So don’t be surprised if your teen or even tween daughter announces at some point that she’s a lesbian. It’s more common than you might think these days.
But you may wonder whether your teen daughter is a lesbian for real, or whether it’s just a phase. Maybe she’s just experimenting; maybe she’ll grow out of it. Or maybe not.
How do you know?
Acceptance Needs to Be Unconditional
Unfortunately, there’s no way to tell. Some girls who experiment with same-sex partners end up happily straight. Other young women find they’re attracted only or primarily to women and define as lesbian for their whole lives. Others come to identify as bisexual. There’s no way for you to predict which scenario will describe your daughter. She may not even know herself.
We’re Not All Straight or All Gay
One thing is sure: People don’t fit into the neat little boxes we tend to put them in. We may have grown up thinking everyone was either male or female, but in truth there have always been people whose anatomy and/or felt gender didn’t fit tidily in either category. (In some cultures this is called “the third sex” and treated with honor.) Queer was a thing for millennia before Americans started talking about it.
Sexual orientation is even less black-and-white than gender identity. Many people feel same-sex attractions or have same-sex experiences even if they’re predominantly straight. In fact, that’s more common than being completely straight (or completely gay).
Back in the 1940s, biologist Alfred Kinsey conducted groundbreaking research on human sexual behavior. His team interviewed thousands of people about their sexual experiences and attractions. Even back then, when homosexuality was despised and often illegal, large numbers of participants reported having had same-sex feelings or experiences.
Based on this research, Kinsey and his team developed the Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale, now commonly referred to as The Kinsey Scale. It describes seven gradations of orientation, from 0, “exclusively heterosexual” to 6, “exclusively homosexual.” People on these ends of the continuum reported no attraction to or behavior with the same sex or the opposite* sex, respectively. Many other people reported “incidental” or “more than incidental” feelings or behaviors outside of the purely hetero- or homosexual categories.
All this to say: We’ve known for decades that people aren’t all-gay or all-straight.
In addition, Kinsey’s research found that it’s common for sexual feelings and expression to change over time. Any of us can be more, or less, interested in people of a certain gender at different times in our lives. Our sexual orientation is usually not a fixed, rigid thing.
More recent research finds that 1-2% of females identify as homosexuals—but 17.4% report having had same-sex contact. A lot of women have same-sex interactions but don’t define as lesbian.
- *Note that the Kinsey Scale was developed at a time when only two genders were recognized. More recent research describes both gender identity and sexual orientation along continuums.
Is Your Teen Daughter a Lesbian – Handling It Now
Which brings us to your teenager who says she’s a lesbian. Since you can’t know for sure whether it’s a phase or her lifelong identity, what should you do?
Don’t say “It’s a phase.” For one thing, you don’t know whether it is. More important, dismissing what she’s feeling right now is profoundly invalidating. If she thinks you don’t accept or understand her, she’ll shut you out of conversations about her sexual life—the exact opposite of what you want. She may have had these feelings since early childhood and just worked up the nerve to discuss it with you.
Ask about her experience. Don’t interrogate her, of course, but be curious. Has she been attracted to other girls for a long time, or is this fairly new? Was her interest in girls inspired by one specific girl? Is she in love?
Find out whether she needs your support. In some schools, identifying as lesbian creates hardly a ripple of interest; in other places, she might get some grief for it, or experience mild harassment or homophobia. Does she have supportive friends? Are other classmates cool about her orientation, or do they tease or reject her? Do teachers and staff treat her well? If her school environment isn’t an acceptable one, what would she like you to do to help? Is there a PFLAG group she (and you) might join?
Keep an eye out for signs of anxiety or depression. See if she can talk to other lgbtq youth. Keep in mind that gay teens are at a higher risk for bullying, discrimination, and substance abuse, so consider seeking out mental health professionals if you feel like they are not talking to you.
Follow her lead on whether and how to tell other people. She’s come out to you; is she ready yet for the world to know? Is she ready for Grandma, say, to be told? If so, would she like to tell her, or would she like you to? Or maybe she doesn’t want any official announcement. The only right way to handle this is what works for her, you, and the rest of the family.
Keep discussing the big stuff. Issues such as consent, safe sex, healthy dating, etc. are universal and irrespective of a teen’s sexual orientation. Educating your daughter is critical during this time and there is no substitute for a parent when it comes to keeping your kids safe.
Wait. Things will unfold as they’re going to unfold, on their own good time. Don’t worry about putting her into one box or another; try to accept that there’s often a lot of ambiguity about sexual orientation. Use the label your daughter prefers now, knowing it may or may not be the same ten years from now. Whether your daughter ends up being lesbian, straight, or bi, she’s still your same daughter, with all the wonderful features, quirks, and annoying habits she’s always had. Just love her, encourage her, and watch her evolve into the young woman she’s meant to be.
Make sure she feels loved. Don’t change your behavior towards her. Don’t go over the top, but don’t isolate her either. Just keep being there.
Jill Whitney, LMFT, is the mom of two twenty-somethings and a licensed marriage and family therapist in Connecticut. In addition to her clinical work, she conducts workshops on talking about sexuality, writes at KeepTheTalkGoing.com, and has been quoted in dozens of articles on relationships and sexuality. She’s passionate about improving communication about sexuality, especially between parents and kids.
Both girls and boys sexually experiment with the same sex. I wish we would lose the “gay, bi, satraight” labels. Sexuality is fluid.
My 13-year old daughter came out to me today. I didn’t take it well. I’ve been holding on to her older sister’s secret-that she, herself, is a lesbian–for more than a year now. Neither girl wants me telling my husband. I feel like I’m going crazy, and except for my therapist, whom I see in two days, I can’t tell anyone!!! Help!
This is wonderful advice. I wish my mom had read this after I came out to her.
My 13 yr daughter told me she was bi sexual I told her okkk and now what she was shocked about my reaction she assumed I was going to react horribly and disown her or something crazy like that lol! I tell my kids live your truth and be happy and love yourselves to always be comfortable in thier own skin I love them no matter what and find someone who loves them and is good for them I’ll always stand by my children matter what. And I think that helps when a parent reassures thier love to thier children.
Thank you! This has been an extremely helpful and peace-giving read. It literally answered all the questions on the tip of my tongue since hearing of my daughter’s orientation a few days ago. And your advice has saved my little one from a barrage of unnecessary qualifying questions from me which would have been designed to help me decide which “box” she truly fits in, not realising there is no box. Truly, thank you! Xx
The great majority of women nowadays which is real fact that they’re either gay or bi but never totally straight.
I feel the same ..going crazy with her secret . My daughter is only 13 and i hate to say it but i feel sad about it : (
I think it’s perfectly normal to feel some sadness. My daughter just came out to me this evening and this is the first article I’ve read. I’m supportive and am not homophobic but still feel a bit of something that I can’t really put a name to.
I have a son, hope it’s OK to join in as it’s all daughters here! I found out last night that he is seeing his best friend and he says he likes both boys and girls. I have always been totally open and he knows I have no issue but I’m surprised at how hard I’m taking it. I’m pretending all is well but sort of grieving the idea of what I thought his future would hold? And scared of how people will react etc. I feel ashamed that I’m struggling as I thought I’d be ok in this scenario. Is this a normal feeling? I haven’t shared any of this with him of course!
My 12 year old’s mother thinks she’s discovered/confirmed through observation & now social media postings that our daughter likes girls. I am going to love and cherish the blessing who is my daughter without regards to how she chooses to love.
But I must be careful to also ensure
that she is being safe and appropriate with her social media and online interactions.
She is my only child and I’d be hurt if I didn’t have a chance at grands. But then again that’s years down the road and I have just as much time to find myself a true love and more children perhaps. Thanks for the sound suggestions on communication & understanding.
A concerned father.