Almost 13 years ago, as I stared down at my newborn baby boy with his stormy blue eyes and crazy Mohawk of white blonde hair shooting up from his head, I truly thought I had things under control.
I’d read ALL the books, and visited ALL the parenting websites, and subscribed to ALL the magazines. I’d done my research, and I was a woman with a plan.
He was going to eat every X number of hours, and nap every X number of hours, and we would follow a routine, and he’d be sleeping through the night in no time.
It took me less than 48 hours to figure out this kid was not on board with my plan, not even one little bit. The blonde Mohawk should have tipped me off from the get-go.
This kid was going rogue….
What happens when we have power struggles with our teens
The battle that went down during the tween years was epic. I was determined to enforce my preconceived set of rules, and he was determined to defy me on every front. It was frustrating to see his disrespectful behavior to our house rules and defiance of boundaries. We both seemed to be governed by our emotions and arguing at every interaction.
Until one day, the universe staged an intervention.
During the middle of yet another one of our power struggles to get him to bend to my will, see things my way, and comply, I realized taking on my tween because I was trying to conform to the way I “thought” I needed to parent was ridiculous.
“Screw the Rules!” I said out loud to myself.
I wasn’t prepared to spend the next six years at war with my son, so I needed to change my strategy.
If he could go rogue, then so could I.
Why you should end the power struggles with your teen
Being consistent is the mantra of all parenting experts. And while it is important, it doesn’t mean that we can’t admit when something just isn’t working and change course.
There is a reason kids don’t come with instructional manuals.
There is no standard operating procedure for these mini-adults. Every single one is unique at birth, and they are constantly changing.
The adolescent years are different for each kid. Hormones, growth spurts, peer pressure, and the intensifying struggle between remaining a child while at the same time forging their path to independence can make our kids seem like crazy people.
There is so much development happening during puberty. The prefrontal cortex within the teen brain doesn’t develop completely until early adulthood, so teens must rely on the amygdala (AMG), which usually develops much earlier but focuses on emotions, impulses, and instincts. This can make such tasks such as decision-making or mood regulation challenging.
During adolescence, our teens are trying to figure out who they are in a world that demands so much of them. Their lives are filled with relentless pressure to do and be more than they can comprehend, let alone achieve.
They are learning to manage their time and stress with all their activities, academics, work, and friends. They constantly feel the need to fit into the precarious social circles, full of peer pressure that feeds and fuels their reckless behavior. They are journeying through the ever-changing cultural and societal landscape that inundates their developing identity with confusion and negativity. They may experience mental health challenges they don’t know how to deal with like social anxiety or depression.
Who they are today may not be who they are tomorrow and who they are tomorrow may not be who they are next week.
They are desperate to break free from their parents yet fit in with their friends. They are trying to discover who they are outside of their home. They want to figure out what they want to do next.
It can make having a positive relationship with your big kid challenging at best.
Rules and boundaries remain a foundation of our parenting because boy, will they be putting them to the test. (Read: Six Boundaries for Teens They’ll Thank You For Later)
But we also need to maintain a level of flexibility that allows us to recognize when the rules need to bend, and boundaries need to be moved. Sometimes we need to be more focused on building our teen’s self-esteem, self-discipline, and sense of self more than we need to focus on winning a power struggle.
Raising teens means being open to relinquishing some control.
We have to be willing to acknowledge when our kid may be wired a little differently or we need to take stock of our own opinions on child rearing and adjust them to our kid’s unique needs.
We have to be willing to accept that parenting doesn’t come in one size fits all.
And we have to understand that our parenting will need to change throughout all the developmental stages of your child.
Five tips to end the power struggles with your teen
Arguing and butting heads with your teen can be exhausting for you both. It also can harm the long-term relationship with your child. There are a few tried and true strategies you can implement to end the power struggles and lighten the mood in your home. There does need to be a shift in how you parent your older child, and these strategies can help:
1. More listening, less lecturing
Now that they are older, instead of talking at them, we need to talk with them, and we need to listen. Sometimes it will be irrational jibberish coming out of their mouths, but on occasion, you will be able to discern what is going on in their world.
The goal is to create space and availability for your teen to express their thoughts and feelings. This often will be on their terms and on their time. Don’t push them. Instead, make sure you stay in the public spaces of your home so they can chat with you when they get a snack or watch a show. Invite them everywhere, even when you know they will decline. And ask questions about their interests. The goal is to get to know the person they are becoming.
They are beginning to really understand who they are and what makes them tick, and it can mean that we’re reaching a point where sometimes they know themselves better than we do.
2. Set realistic boundaries and expectations
Establish rules and consequences together so that your teenager feels involved and responsible for their actions. It doesn’t mean you don’t have the final say, but get their input. For example, when establishing curfews, instead of saying it’s 10:30 p.m. no matter what, you may say it’s 10:30 unless they have pre-approval from you. This gives them an opportunity to discuss extenuating circumstances and provides you with the opportunity to issue a consequence if they do not follow the rules.
I set boundaries both on what they are allowed to do, but more importantly, how they treat me. I share these with my three teens so they know I have a healthy respect for myself and how I should be treated. I can ignore some of their erratic behavior, but when they lash out of me, I simply walk out of the room and let them know to come find me if they would like to talk when they are calm.
Writing these down and sharing them is a powerful exercise. It helped me reframe my mindset on what is important to me, and what to let go.
It’s also good to do this when you’re not in the heat of the moment. Call a family meeting during a convenient time to lay it all out, but don’t be upset if they roll their eyes or don’t participate in the conversation. The goal is to make sure you are on the same page and the expectations clear. No teenager says they like rules, but if the expectations are clear, there is less squabbling about it, and consequences are easier to enforce.
3. Encourage independence.
Allow your teenager to make reasonable choices and experience the consequences, helping them develop important life skills. This might mean letting them stay out late when they know they need to be up early the next day or not forcing them to do a project for school even though they may get a bad grade. There is no greater teacher than experience.
It’s also great to let them have some experience with figuring out how they spend their money, free time, or other personal decisions, like clothing, hair, etc. Picking and choosing battles ensures they will listen to you when it matters.
4. Practice compassion
Try to see things from your teenager’s perspective and validate their emotions, even if you don’t agree with their point of view. Remember, their problems seem big because their perspective is small.
According to Kerry Foreman, writer at Get Grounded and a registered psychotherapist: “We don’t need to identify with the problem, we can witness how it must feel to be going through whatever they are currently enduring. Hearing their distress in a way that we can be fully open to the emotion without feeling it ourselves.”
Compassion doesn’t solve problems, but it does bring comfort.
You may also like to read: When Your Teen Faces a Tough Time, Lead With Compassion Instead of Empathy
5. Model the behavior you want to see
Show your teenager how to handle conflicts calmly and respectfully, and when you can’t, show them that it’s okay to step away, take some deep breaths, and return when both you and your teen feel ready to try again.
Also, keep an open mind when they come to you, even if the ask seems crazy to you. If your teen feels you are not listening and will say no before they have an opportunity to explain themself, they will stop communicating and could start sneaking around or lying to circumvent your rules.
The best shot for a positive outcome is to follow your gut
Just as I did when my teen was a baby, when I decided that it was time to “screw the rules,” it meant trusting myself.
Now, it means trusting him. I know he is a great kid even when he exhibits some challenging behavior.
If that’s going rogue, I’m okay with it.
Want a more confident teen? Teach them life skills.
Are you looking for a great resource to help your teens learn the life skills they need to become productive adults? Skills such as money management, laundry, home maintenance, or even how to get rid of dandruff? This book is a great resource for teens–and it makes a great gift too! Get Life Skills for Teens on Amazon and pick up this FREE 50 Simple and Useful Life Skills for Teens You Can Teach Quickly printable today.
Parenting teens and tweens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. Here are some other posts that may help:
Middle School, The Hardest Years of Your Life As A Mom (So Far)
How To Have A More Peaceful Relationship With Your Teen Guaranteed
Help! I’m Raising Teenagers and My Village Disappeared
Note: This post may contain affiliate links.
When you are in the thick of raising teens and tweens, we recommend Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love by Whitney Fleming. In Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love, blogger Whitney Fleming shares her favorite essays about raising three teenagers in today’s chaotic world. Written from the perspective of a fellow parent, each story will leave you with tears in your eyes and hope in your heart because someone else is saying exactly what’s been going through your mind.
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