Raising My Strong Willed Teen Girl Hasn’t Been Easy, But I Hope She Never Changes

Inside: Raising strong-willed teens can definitely be a challenge, but the very things that drive you crazy will most likely be what help them become thriving young adults.

When my daughter was little, she was a fairly easy baby and toddler. Probably because she didn’t walk until she was almost 18 months and didn’t really begin to talk until after she turned two.

For the better part of her first years of life, she was often content to just sit quietly watching the world around her. People were constantly praising me for how well she behaved.

Looking back, I know now, I really should have been more suspicious. Because right around her third Birthday, things began to change…

One day after picking her up from pre-school, even though I can’t recall the exact details of the exchange,  I can vividly picture in my mind when my daughter for the very first time planted her feet, glared at me and spit out some of the most shockingly defiant words I’d ever heard come out of her sweet little mouth.

I also remember that my mother happened to be with us at the time and she simply chuckled. “Looks like you’ve got an edgy one there. She reminds me of someone else I know.”

She was of course referring to me, but could have just as easily been talking about herself as well.

Edginess definitely runs in the females in our family.

And while this had been my daughter’s first real demonstration of this trait, more of her strong-will nature would reveal itself rapidly and in abundance.

When we would tell her “no”, instead of listening, she would look at us with an impish grin and then proceed to giggle with pure delight as she did exactly what we had just told her not to do.

She began to refuse to wear the darling outfits she would have previously worn so happily, and she’d rip the cute little matching bows right out of her sweet little pigtails.

At every turn, she began to challenge the rules that we set and was constantly seeking out new ways to exert her total independence. Overnight she had very strong feelings about everything and was determined to share them with fierce intensity.

It quickly became clear to me that in those quiet early years my daughter and been conducting a thorough observation and analysis of her environment and developing some very clear opinions about who she was in relation to it all. Now, she had reached the point that she was ready to fully voice those opinions in words and actions.

Yep, without a doubt, she had inherited the “edgy” gene.

What do I mean by “edgy”? It may sound a bit derogative, but it’s really not. Edgy could also be described as strong willed.  It’s just someone who is a little sharp in words, thoughts, opinions and actions. This definitely describes my girl and honestly, I’m so glad that she hasn’t changed as she’s entered into the teen years. That may sound crazy, I know.  But hear me out.

My daughter isn’t ever going to be the girl with the most friends, or the one that other parents always love inviting over or that teacher’s make their pet.  She isn’t sweet and she isn’t ever going to just go along to get along.  Too often this is what girls are told to be. That they need to soften their edges, yield instead of push and put on a face and attitude that makes everyone like them.

Sure doing these things creates girls that are often easy to manage. But it also creates girls who pretend to be something they aren’t, who deny or hide their true feelings and who value compliance and approval over everything else.

This is why I was actually glad when that “edge” finally poked through.

Yes, raising a strong-willed teens presents some challenges

Being an edgy teen means that she knows her own mind and she’s not usually afraid to express herself or stand her ground when she knows she is right. It also means that she isn’t always “nice” and she is rarely willing to compromise in order to please other people.

In many ways, these are traits we should all want in our teen daughters. Especially, in today’s world. Unfortunately, it isn’t how our society usually rewards girls for behaving and it creates some challenges when it comes to parenting them.

Part of the reason it’s termed “edgy” is because it is a fine line to walk.

As the mother of a teen daughter like this, I have to help her understand the difference between asserting herself and being disrespectful, while at the same time letting her know that respect is earned and setting healthy boundaries is good. Blindly following authority can put our girls at risk and they should be willing to ask questions and challenge adults when something doesn’t feel right or safe.

I have to teach her that sometimes it is better to be kind, than to be right, because often her words can be harsh. But I also don’t want to discourage her from speaking up for what is right, both for herself and others. Too often we see teens who are so afraid of what others will think that they fail to say the hard things.

She also has to learn that many rules are there for a reason and that if you break the rules you have to face the consequences. However, there are times when rules don’t always make sense or are unfair, and if she thinks there is a better way, it is okay to propose alternatives and get people thinking about doing things differently. Just because something has always been done that way, doesn’t mean it should keep being done that way.

Without a doubt though, my biggest challenge raising this edgy teen girl of mine is making sure no one, including me, ever succeeds at taming that wild spirit of hers. I’m well aware of how tempting it can be to try.  She pushes my buttons, drives me crazy and completely exhausts every ounce of my patience.

But I don’t ever want her to feel like who she is, is somehow wrong

I know because she is the way she is, the world is going to tell her that her whole life. I’ve already seen it and I’ve lived it myself, as has her grandmother.

But if she can make it through her childhood with that edginess still intact, it will serve her well one day. Just like it has me and her grandmother and many other strong women in her family before her.

What is that they say about strong willed children, “They will grow up to change the world, we just have to hang on for the ride.”  

Parenting Teens and Tweens is Hard, but the following popular posts other parents found helpful just  might make it a little easier.

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