Search Results for: shelby spear

As mothers, it’s much easier to talk about all the joy and extraordinary blessing that comes with being a mom. Being vulnerable about what hurts isn’t on anyone’s bucket list. Plus, our good days typically far outweigh the tough ones giving us plenty of bandwidth to share the positive.

But when the bad days mount up during a challenging crisis or a gut-wrenching season, the emotional toll can almost break us. Sometimes it does.

It’s a lonely road walking through the storms of motherhood. I’ve been through more soul-bending seasons over 27 years than I care to admit.

I had a kid who stopped breathing at five days old and had to have risky eye surgery on both eyes at five years old. I had a kid who was bullied relentlessly in middle school. I had a kid who was demeaned by coaches for almost a decade.

I had a kid who sunk into darkness and rebellion in the early teen years. Another who battles severe anxiety. Another who was suicidal because of her journey through sexuality.

I’ve had a kid who barely spoke to me for months. Another blame me for all of their weaknesses and downfalls. And another who continuously broke the rules and didn’t give two shits about it.

I had three kids survive a school shooting.

We also had to “kick out” two of our kids at one point in a show of tough love.

Only another mother can understand what these types of scenarios do to your insides. Only another mother can comprehend the mental and emotional overload:

how you lay awake for hours battling debilitating fear and worry

how your heart breaks and bleeds and longs for a solution

how your stomach turns from swallowing the rejection

how the self-blame, guilt, unworthiness, and despair coils up in your insides

how the emptiness and loneliness eat you alive

We are never prepared for it.

Yet, we continue to put one foot in front of the other. We continue to find enough strength to press onward. Love is a powerful thing. Motherly love something powerful beyond measure.

Love propels us forward even when the weight of the world sits on our chest.

Love medicates the pain and agony enough to make it bearable.

Love wills us to continue seeing the best in our kids even when they choose to see the worst in us.

Love builds up our self-esteem and provides the strength to keep fighting for our family.

Love floods in like a high tide filling the voids.

We are never prepared for this either.

We aren’t prepared for much when it comes to motherhood–for the ecstasy or the grief. The paradox is palpable.

Yet, we warrior onward, fueled by this inconceivable force within us yoked to the heartbeat of our children.

What a journey. What a mystery.

What a gift.

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

Parenting Teens and Tweens, but these popular posts that other parents found helpful just might make it a little easier.

Why Your Teen Feels Like All You Do Is Criticize Them And How To Fix It

Teens Can Be Vicious With Their Words, Here’s How To Protect Your Mama Heart

There Is Hope On The Other Side Of Heartache In The Teen Years

Doing life during a pandemic is a lot. The entire world, as we know it, tilted off its axis, sending all of us careening in a direction we didn’t see coming. If you are anything like me, you’ve spent the majority of 2020 trying to regain your balance. Trying to bear crawl your way back to standing and make sense of your surroundings.

I don’t know if we’ll ever truly make sense of the new landscape, but we have no choice but to make do. We need to make the best of what we have as we adjust to a new way of living.

Raising teens is also a lot. Our entire mom world, as we know it, also tilts off its axis, sending us careening in an emotional direction we for sure didn’t see coming. If you are anything like me when I was raising teens, you spend a lot of time trying to find your equilibrium. Trying to find some sure footing amid the daily ups and downs and all arounds.

Sometimes the most effective way to manage the chaos and uncertainty in both scenarios is to mentally check out of the madness for minute. To ignore the stressful thoughts clamoring for our attention and focus on something that transports us to a different reality and calms our nerves. And binge-watching a T.V. series is an effective escape route.

One of the shows that can provide this haven is Ted Lasso, which streams on Apple+. Ted Lasso stars Jason Sudeikis as a former college football coach selected to run a Premier League soccer team in London. I don’t need to get into a detailed synopsis except to say I experienced 300ish minutes of uninterrupted laughter and heart-bending enjoyment as I watched all ten episodes straight through. Now I am in full-blown Ted Lasso withdrawal, and it appears I have to wait until August of 2021 to get my season 2 fix.

Friends. This show. It is epic. Ted Lasso is precisely what your heart and soul needs. Not only will you experience all the feels, but you will long to adopt every character into your family. With so much going wrong in the world, Ted Lasso represents what’s right. What is good, what is desperately needed.

Trust me when I say you need this show in your life. Here are the seven reasons why this series will give you hope as you tiptoe through teenagedom and maneuver through this health crisis we are all facing:

1. It’s a masterclass in vulnerability

God knows this pandemic has shoved us all into a vulnerable state. I don’t even need to explain how vulnerable we feel raising hormonal teenagers. Being vulnerable is rarely on anyone’s bucket list. But Ted Lasso reminds us how much beauty comes from allowing ourselves to enter into this unguarded space so we can grow. As mommas, we do this by opening up about our struggles and getting the love and encouragement we need.

2. You see firsthand the power of grace and forgiveness

We are living in a world that is brimming with reasons to be angry and bitter. The fury and fear continue to divide us. Raising teens comes with a lot of irritable territory as we deal with mood swings, sass, and all kinds of hard stuff. I think all of us can use a refresher course on the power of forgiveness, and the characters in this show model it beautifully.

3. It reminds you of the importance of being ‘seen and heard

More than anything, I think our teens long to be seen and heard…for who they are, not who we hope they will be or wish they were already. We owe it to each other to lean in and do our best to understand and validate one another as we face the challenges of life together. Ted Lasso pays attention to everyone in the room and, in doing so, builds up the collective.

4. You’ll laugh you’re ass off

Laughter is always the best medicine, and this show does not disappoint.

5. It demonstrates how the power of positivity goes a forever way

In a world bearing the weight of a pandemic, we definitely need to be around people who believe the glass is half full. Our kids, who bear the weight of being a teen, definitely need some good vibrations to mix in with their moods. Ted Lasso is that guy. He proves that having a good attitude is a choice, and positivity has a profound ripple effect. As mommas of teens, it isn’t always easy to be this person for our kids and stay positive when we are at our wits end. So, maybe we just need to adopt Ted Lasso into our family for awhile.

6. It highlights how authenticity heals

None of us are immune to pretending to be someone we’re not at times. We are experts at masking our pain and shielding our insecurities with self-preserving armor. But we long to be real. We desire to live authentic lives. The characters in Ted Lasso show us how having the courage to be honest and transparent brings tremendous healing for everyone.  They remind us why it’s essential to remove the facades and so we can thrive. Sometimes we just need to let our teens know how we really feel because more times than not, we are sharing similar emotions for different reasons.

7. It proves that although change is uncomfortable, we are capable of adapting

Changes should be the theme song for 2020. It feels like every aspect of our life has changed from top to bottom.same when the teen season rolls in.  As a general rule, we aren’t superfans of change, especially when we aren’t seeking it. But, as humans, we are very capable of adapting and finding our way. Ted Lasso provides us a perfect example of what it looks like to recalibrate and find our groove in a new environment, with new rules and different surroundings.

Perhaps even more compelling than all of the above is the hope Ted Lasso provides for us. This show embodies what it means to be human—the joys, struggles, triumphs, and defeats that we all endure while somehow finding a way to keep pressing forward. And the way we get through life is ‘together’ —something the show reminds us of every episode in how they portray the characters and their relationships.

As Ted says, “I believe in hope. I believe in believe.”

And hope does not disappoint. We just need to believe so we can see.

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

Parenting Teens and Tweens, but these popular posts that other parents found helpful just might make it a little easier.

Five New Life Lessons Teens Need In Today’s World

5 Simple Things You Need To Keep Doing When Kids Are Teens

The Best TV Series Families With Teens and Tweens Can Enjoy Together

Mommas, here is a spoiler alert about life on the empty side of the nest: it’s everything you never expected. Plus more.

In case you missed the memo about what this season would be like, let me assure you these years are both THE hardest and THE most fulfilling, sometimes in equal measure.

Please immediately dismantle any constructs about things getting easier when you become a mom of adult kids. That narrative is.a fairy tale.

Please also know you will be caught completely off guard by profound moments of joy and connection. A storyline with great reward.

Today was one of those feel-good, unexpected plot twists for me because my girl asked me to spend the entire day with her. It’s not just any day, though. It’s actually her “Golden” birthday as she celebrates turning 23 on the 23rd.

I mean…. all the feels, right?

She could have spent this day with any number of friends but picked me. Everything I never expected and a gift beyond measure.

Mommas, we come into this gig with zero experience and no instruction manual. Raising actual humans is a big deal and we choose to do so despite being clueless about most things. Being a mom takes mad courage and tenacity. It requires superhuman emotional strength and perseverance.

Yet, instead of recognizing our badassery, we choose to spend an inordinate amount of time beating ourselves up for our flaws. We lose days second-guessing our decisions and worrying about the future. We waste far too much energy feeling guilt and shame about our mistakes. And we definitely don’t give ourselves enough credit for the things we get right.

The good news is, once we reach the empty side of the nest, and we’re no longer deep in the weeds doing every day mom stuff, it’s easier to call out our wayward thinking. The fresh air helps us begin to see things from a fresh perspective.

You realize most things work out eventually and life is shorter than we ever imagined. All that really matters at the end of the day is that we love our kiddos well. This looks like doing our best, learning from our mistakes, and saying sorry when we muck stuff up. It also looks like accepting our kids for who they are, holding them loosely, forgiving their failures, cheering them forward, and giving them the freedom to pursue their dreams rather than follow ours.

Motherhood in general is everything we never expected and more. May we embrace every moment like it’s our last.

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

Parenting teens and tweens is hard,  but maybe it can be a little easier with these popular posts that other parents found helpful. 

How To Have A More Peaceful Relationship With Your Teen; Guaranteed

Dear 17-Year-0ld, Don’t Listen To The Lies the World Tells You

How To Best Support Your Teens When They Need It Most

I recently came across an article on Success.com from August 1, 2017, entitled, “10 ways to overcome fear and break out of your comfort zone.”

The top 10 are as follows:

1. Take nothing for granted
2. Switch up your routine
3. Move toward your fears
4. Give up control
5. Try something new until it feels comfortable
6. Ask questions other people don’t want to
7. Start conversations with strangers
8. Agree to something you wouldn’t normally consider
9. Get in front of the camera
10. Keep a list of growth goals

I laughed out loud as I read through the list.

As a parent of teens, this list, or at least most of it, is your life. Breaking out of your comfort zone happens automatically against your will. Like, overnight. Kinda like this pandemic.

All of us can attest to regularly being drop-kicked out of any sense of normalcy. All ten steps complete. Not. Thanking. You. Very. Much.

Parents of teens don’t need experts to give tips and tricks on how to break free from everyday routine. Because as soon as you reach a space where you feel like you can catch your breath for go on cruise control for even a moment, you are reminded that there there is no such thing as autopilot.

Everything surrounding the teenage season is outside of the comfort zone.

Instead, maybe what parents of teens really need is a list of best practices to survive outside of your comfort zone. And we could especially use that kind of guidance right about now. 

We are all so outside our routines and there is about zero sense of normalcy. Nothing makes sense. All bets are off. Tomorrow is a mystery, and we’re really just trying to make it through the next hour.

We’re establishing new rules for survival on the fly. Food, shelter, health, and safety are all that matters. But does it sound all that different than regularly navigating the teenage years?

So, if we were going to create that survival list what exactly would it look like?

How about this for starters:

1. Take nothing personally (well, do your best)
2. Change your perspective where possible
3. Surrender your fears because they’ll eat you alive
4. Remember most things are out of your control
5. Make peace with the uncomfortable—it’s the new normal
6. Find a village to support you (even if it’s a virtual one)
7. Keep a journal for your sanity
8. Accept your teens for who they are right now, not who you hope they’ll be some day
9. Find things to laugh about. Lots and lots and lots of things.
10. Keep a gratitude list

Now, this survival list may help you better manage this perpetual state of uncomfortableness. But the truth is whether you feel like it or not, you have already achieved superhero status. You may not have wanted to and you may still be fighting it, but you’ve become a master at living amidst all things not resembling comfort.

I encourage you to take a long hard look at the first list above from Success magazine. Then give yourself a well-deserved and loving pat on the back for doing every one of these things daily. Plus surviving. That is some real badassery that you should own and be proud of.

We can all do hard things. This is for sure. The resolve of the human spirit is something to behold. 

But that doesn’t make any of the hard stuff easier. It just makes it real. And living out of your comfort zone as part of parenting teens is very real. Just know that the world sees you and feels you now more than ever.

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

Parenting teens and tweens is hard,  but maybe it can be a little easier with these popular posts that other parents found helpful. 

Mamas, We Need To Give Ourselves The Same Grace We Give Our Kids

Teens Can Be Vicious With Their Words, Here’s How To Protect Your Mama Heart

How to Meet Our Teens Where They’re At

Mamas, what is our deal?

Could we be any harder on ourselves? Honestly, think about all the energy we expend keeping ourselves on the hook for our failures. God knows we need someone to give us a break. Turns out all we need to do is look in the mirror because we are that someone. 

We are ruthless interrogators, constantly finding new ways to reprimand, shame, and devalue ourselves when we screw up. It’s as if we can’t handle the truth about who we are, which is love and goodness at the core, by the way.

We have a hard time accepting ourselves as perfectly imperfect women doing the best we can with what we know. This self-bashing needs to stop. Like yesterday.

Can you imagine if we treated our kids as poorly as we treat ourselves every time they made a mistake? If we went on and on with soul-crushing reminders about what they did wrong? No, we can’t imagine because we’d never do that! We love them too much. And therein lies the problem: we don’t love ourselves that much, or much at all sometimes. 

So how do we learn to self-forgive when it feels like we are wired to eat guilt for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? I started to unravel the answer to this question when I learned what Brené Brown has to say about shame and perfectionism.

For me, as a mom, it all starts with perfectionism. Maybe you relate to being driven by the need to be perfect when it comes to how you raise your kids. 

I’ve always tried to be a perfect mom because I never wanted my kids to hurt the way I did growing up. I never wanted them to suffer or experience any trauma, for sure not as a result of faulty mothering on my part. 

Then I heard this definition of perfectionism from Brené: where perfectionism exists, shame is always lurking. In fact, shame is the birthplace of perfectionism.

Say again?

Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism.

I don’t know about you, but this stopped me in my tracks. Especially when you also consider Brené’s definition of shame which she came up with after ten years of shame research: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed, and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.

OUCH.

My heart heaved. 

All this time I thought guilt was my problem. But guilt and shame are two very different things. Guilt says I did something bad, whereas shame says, I am bad. Huge difference. 

I’ve spent decades believing I was flawed and unworthy of love and belonging. No wonder I wanted to be a perfectionist—for all the wrong reasons. I haven’t been scarfing down guilt, but rather steeping in shame. Ugh.

I believe this is why so many of us struggle with self-forgiveness. If we think we have to earn or hustle for our worth, instead of just claiming something that’s already ours simply because we exist, then we’re going have a hard time ever finding it.

Note to ourselves: we are worthy of love and belonging. Period. We are good. Period. 

This is what we want our kids to believe, right? What’s true is always true. #truth

But here’s the other thing when it comes to self-forgiveness, again something I learned from Brené. The common thread she found in her research about forgiveness was this:

“Forgiveness is so difficult because it involves death and grief. When it came to studying forgiveness, I originally looked for patterns in my research for people extending generosity and love but not in people feeling grief. Given the dark fears we feel when we experience loss, nothing is more generous and loving than a willingness to embrace grief to be forgiven. To be forgiven is to be loved.”

So, Mamas, we need to love ourselves first if we want to forgive ourselves. Which means a necessary grieving about losing the construct we’ve established about being a perfect mother. When we let go of this unkind and unreasonable pursuit of perfection, we can heal and finally love the love we are made of. Finally put shame to rest and believe in our worth, offering ourselves grace when we have less-than moments along the way.

How freeing. 

How necessary.

How revolutionary.

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

Parenting teens and tweens is hard,  but maybe it can be a little easier with these popular posts that other parents found helpful. 

Moms of Teens, Sometimes All You Can Do Is The Next Right Thing

Give Yourself Grace Mama, You’re Doing The Best That You Can

Connection.

This need is often the most significant missing piece between us as parents and our teens. Both connection in the way we communicate (or don’t) and how we relate to their world, be it their emotions or interests.

Our teens often feel like we are ancient, clueless, and uncool, among other less than desirable traits. We often feel like they are disrespectful, ungrateful, and impossible to reason with.

Neither scenario is really true all the way through. Much of what we perceive is a projection in both directions, fueled by fear and uncertainty—not mention frayed nerves and emotional overload.

The thing is, our teens crave connection. They need to feel seen, heard, and understood. Mostly they want these affirmations from their peers because, to them, only their peers could possibly “get them.” How could we, their olderish, authoritative, annoying parents ever meet them where they’re at? And there is some truth to their line of reason.

It’s difficult to meet them where they’re at when they shut us out and communicate more with eye roles and exasperation. It’s also difficult because we haven’t lived through the pressures, temptations, and emotional whirlwind that make up their current cultural landscape.

Sometimes the only way to wiggle our way into our teen’s world is by connecting with them in unique ways. My husband and I did this by being very intentional in learning something about our teen’s passions. 

My oldest son loves to cook. So when he was a teen, we began cooking together a few times a month. I always let him pick the recipe even if the food wasn’t something I particularly enjoyed. I’d let my son call the shots and make any creative changes to the recipe by adding ingredients or leaving some out. Doing so gave him full control over something, allowed him to explore, and gave me a chance to learn “from him.” Since he always felt like I was trying to control, teach, and be the boss, the opportunity for him to be in charge helped soften the edges.

My oldest son also went through an EMO (emotional) phase at 13 and began dressing in dark clothing and hooded sweatshirts. He straightened his hair, wore long bangs to cover his face, and listened to dark, depressing music. This season was a gut-wrenching and scary time for all of us. We did undergo family counseling, but my husband also met our son where he was at.

One day he took him to get a haircut, and my husband had our stylist straighten his hair and style his bangs down over his face just like my sons (he happened to have hair long enough to do that). I still cherish the picture we took.

My husband also took our son to see his favorite EMO bands in concert. Did he like the music? Not a chance. Did he appreciate the depressing lyrics? Nope. They scared both of us. But we learned the lyrics and affirmed our son’s passion for this music—all while praying ourselves raw I might add. We asked our son to tell us why he liked the lyrics so we could discuss their deeper meaning. When we felt some of the lyrics were harmful and dangerous to listen to, instead of banning the music all together we teamed up with a dear friend of ours and did research to find Christian bands that were a similar genre as the screamo and heavy-metal music he liked. This way my son was able to listen to the sounds that appealed to him but not be influenced by unhealthy messages.

These are just two examples of how we tried to meet our kids in their teen worlds. The opportunities are endless. We can learn how to play their favorite video game and then take them on—even if we can’t stand the premise or think it’s a waste of time. We can read a book with them and discuss it—letting them pick the book even if it’s something we don’t care to read. We could learn an instrument together or take up a hobby that our teen has expressed interest in trying.

Regardless of what we do, just the act of leaning in and being willing to learn about or participate in something important to them is often disarming enough for us to break through and connect. Anything that puts our teen in the driver seat as a means of helping us find common ground is worth a try.

Even if your teen says no to your suggestions, don’t give up. Keep pursuing new ideas until you find something that gets their attention. Our teens need us in more ways than they will ever admit. Connecting with them beyond the typical parent-child relationship allows them to get their fix without even having to ask for our love and involvement.

Raising teens is one of the hardest things we do as parents. Being a teen is one of the hardest things our kids do as humans. But together, we survive and conquer.

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

I’m not sure what the hardest part is about raising teenagers. The answer is probably different for every parent. But I’ve learned something valuable about the hard part of dealing with their hurtful behaviors.

You know, behaviors like snarky responses to our genuine questions, judgments about our well-meaning actions, and the seemingly overnight transition into someone who appears to despise our very existence. I don’t care how many people warn us about this impending stage, nothing prepares our mom heart for the confusion and hurt that washes up onto the shore of our soul.

I mean, how is it that all the love we have poured into our child from day one— the love they have always welcomed with open arms, suddenly becomes an aggravation and intrusion? How is it that basic questions and requests of them are now acts of war? When did we become the worst person on the planet when just yesterday we were their everything? 

All we have to do is think back to when we were teens to find the answers. 

It won’t take us long to remember how much we were dealing with internally. Insecurity, confusion, rejection, shame, and loneliness are just a few of the everyday emotions we dealt with while trying to find our way. We wanted nothing more than to belong and to be seen by our peers. To fit in, be enough, and have value. Meanwhile, unruly hormones had their way with us, adding to the daily mix of emotional Armageddon. 

When you consider that our peers were dealing with the same mess of feelings—all of us trying to stumble our way through the turmoil, it’s no wonder we struggled to find balance and normalcy and acceptance for who we were, as is. Just like our teens, the upheaval ignited our poor behaviors and hurtful actions toward our parents. They couldn’t possibly understand us when we couldn’t understand ourselves. 

The aha moment for me was remembering that my teens were also dealing with these same debilitating emotions and then recognizing that I was actually mirroring similar emotions as a mom. Sobering. And so very human.

When my kids lashed out with disrespect, said very hurtful things, or rejected my love, a slow stream of insecurity, confusion, shame, and unworthiness started to trickle out of my veins. I wanted nothing more than to feel like I still belonged in their world and longed to be seen by my child. I wanted to be enough for them and to have value as their mother.  

We all do. That’s the calling card of motherhood.

It’s no wonder the teenage years are wrought with so much tension and inner anguish for parents and children. We are literally walking in each other’s shoes, yet everything feels like we are miles apart. What a paradox.

So, to save us both, I made a mental shift to see my teens as lost souls trying to make sense of a raging sea of uncertainty. Then I gave myself similar grace as I learned to swim in the same murky water. 

One of us has to stop identifying our worth based on the behavior of others. And it’s unlikely to be our teen because they are surrounded by peers who are all measuring themselves up against one another. That’s the only thing they know how to do in the trenches of becoming independent and figuring out who they are.

But we can show them another way by doing our best to remain rooted in the truth that we are valuable and worthy just as we are regardless of how our teens act and react toward us. Of course, this is not to say we become doormats and let them get away with blatant disrespect. It’s just that we see through the meanness to the pain lurking underneath and try not to take their wrath personally. 

I wish I could say that this new way of looking at things made everything easier for me. The truth is, my kids still lash out and say hurtful things at times even though they are in their 20s, and the sting still hurts. A lot. But the turnaround time on my heartbreak is much better. The other truth is I still act out sometimes even though I’m two months shy of 50. Fear has a way of bringing out the worst in us. The good news is, love has a way of bringing out the best. 

May we all do our best to survive the changing tides and find the strength to shine on through the heartache, knowing and trusting that at some point, our teens will push through these waves and find their way to the shore of our love again.

You have my heart…

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

Parentings teens is hard, but other parents found these posts helped make things a little easier:

Why And How To Stop Taking Your Teen’s Attitude Personally

8 Genius Responses For When Your Teen Is Being Lazy And Entitled

How To Help Teens Better Manage Their Anger

I want you three to grasp the importance of doing the right thing, no matter how the rest of the world behaves around you. Our individual actions affect the collective spirit. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Therefore:

It matters to me that you’re kind.

It matters to me that you try hard not to judge others; being the best version of yourself is enough work for your lifetime.

It matters to me that you try your best to make a difference in the world, no matter how small.

It matters to me that you don’t walk through life with a label maker; attaching sticky tabs to everyone you meet. (including yourself)

It matters to me that you know you are a beautiful creation and take care of your mind, body, spirit.

It matters to me that you know how to give and receive love.

It matters to me that you appreciate nature because all creation is a gift.

It matters to me that you respect others even when they disrespect you.

It matters to me that you don’t define yourself by who others perceive you to be.

It matters to me that you don’t define others by who you perceive them to be.

It matters to me that you appreciate the value of human life—in every sense of the word.

It matters to me that you participate in the world from a place of love, not fear; that your heart always leads – not your ego.

It matters to me that you live your dream, not someone else’s dream for you.

It matters to me that you smile at others even on a bad day.

It matters to me that you believe goodness always exists, even when the media tells you otherwise.

It matters to me that you always choose to be the change you want to see.

It matters to me that when you stand up for what you believe, you do so without stepping on another.

It matters to me that you choose to be a good listener – not just a hearer.

It matters to me that you have a mindset to serve, not to be served.

It matters to me that you embrace your uniqueness and the uniqueness of others; “normal” is an illusion.

It matters to me that you believe in something greater than yourself and don’t take for granted the miracle you are.

It matters to me that you know without a doubt how much I love you – and that NOTHING can ever separate you from my love.

It matters to me that we all do one thing very well – be LOVE. The rest takes care of itself.

Love is what we’re made of. Love is why we’re here. Never stop being love. The world needs you.

Love,
Mom

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

Parentings teens is hard, but other parents found these posts helped make things a little easier:

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(*Spoiler alert: If you have not seen Frozen 2, bookmark this post until after the movie)

God love Anna, the younger sister of Princess Elsa, and her journey in the Frozen sequel. These two siblings are like peanut butter and jelly, so when Anna thinks she’s lost her beautiful and magical “north star” sister forever, intense grief and anguish consume her. We watch her lay in agony on the floor of a cave as she begins to sing through tears of desperation what is perhaps one of the most beautiful songs in the movie.

“This is empty. This is numb. The life I knew before is over. The lights are out. Hello darkness, I’m ready to succumb.”

Not sure about you, but these words unglued me. Truth be told, I’ve been ruminating over this song in general ever since I saw the movie because I believe it speaks volumes about our roles as mothers of teenagers.

The life we once knew—when our kids were perpetually happy, obedient, lighthearted, full of joy, and loving toward us appears to be over when our kids hit the tween and teen years. This new world feels lonely and dark, and we struggle to find direction when it comes to raising them up. The weight of worry, fear, guilt, frustration, and confusion often leaves us feeling empty and numb.

It’s easy to feel completely lost when trying to mother hormonal, emotional, hypersensitive, sometimes illogical, combative, and irrational human beings. When that happens, we can begin to lose our sense of self—our identity, purpose, and confidence. We long for the days of old when life was easier and our kids needed us, enjoyed our company, and followed the rules.

All these losses, between losing our personal bearings and having to let go of so many things as our kids progress through the ages and stages of development, constitute a necessary grieving on our part. And grief in any form can knock us on our backsides leaving us paralyzed with all kinds of weighty thoughts and emotions.

So, what do we do in these moments of darkness when we feel like we’ve lost our mojo and are alone on a motherhood island, immersed in our suffering?

I think we take the advice of Anna who continues in her song:

“This grief has a gravity. It weighs me down. But a tiny voice whispers in my mind, “You are lost, hope is gone. But you must go on and do the next right thing.”

Yes! This is when I internally cheered while tears rained even harder down my face in the movie theater. Gah.

Making a choice to do the next right thing sounds like a simple remedy for dealing with heavy emotional burdens, but that’s what makes it powerful. It means we don’t have to try and figure out everything that’s overwhelming us all at once. We don’t need to know the endgame. Instead, we can just make a choice to do the next right thing in the present moment.

Maybe the next right thing is allowing ourselves to lay on the floor and cry for awhile so we can process our feelings instead of stuffing them down, which never works in the long run. Giving ourselves permission to be okay with not being okay.

Maybe the next right thing is as simple as apologizing to our teen if in our exasperation we’ve said or done something we regret. And the next right thing after that might be to forgive ourselves for not being perfect.

Maybe the next right thing is texting or calling a friend and saying, “I’m losing it over here. I can’t do motherhood anymore. Help.”

Maybe the next right thing is getting away for a few hours or a few days to refresh and renew.

Maybe the next right thing is getting help. I’ve been in and out of therapy for decades and have zero shame admitting this. Sometimes we just can’t manage everything on our own and outside counsel is imperative for our health—and for the health of our family.

Maybe the next right thing is choosing not to fight today’s battle. To just let the chips fall and allow ourselves to breathe and have peace regardless of what chaos or injustice is happening around us.

The list of next right things we can do is endless. The key is to pick action steps that are doable and point us in a healthy direction. Things that build up our self-worth, remind us of what is actually going right, and give us hope for a better future.

We may not know much about anything while parenting through the teen years. But if we take baby steps, offering ourselves and our kids heaping doses of grace along the way, eventually we make it to the other side.

As Anna says, “I won’t look too far ahead. It’s too much for me to take. But break it down to this next breath. This next step. This next choice is one that I can make.”

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

Parentings teens is hard, but other parents found these posts helped make things a little easier:

Give Yourself Grace Mama, You’re Doing The Best That You Can

Why Your Teen Feels Like All You Do Is Criticize Them And How To Fix It

I Know It’s Hard Now, But Your Teens Will Come Back To You