Search Results for: shelby spear

As a boy mom of two who are 21 months apart, my momma heart has been awash with all kinds of gooey goodness over the years doing life alongside my sons. 

The early years were full of wonder and mischief as they leveraged their proximity in age to team up and take full advantage of their vivid imaginations.

Like the day they made a Harry Potter magic potion from household cleaning products and remnants of mother nature and almost poisoned their little sister before an astute neighbor ran outside to stop the experiment.

Or the day they decided to fill up buckets of water and pour them all over the bathroom floor, trying to make a river to play in because the tub wasn’t big enough. 

Gah. Such is the adventurous life with boys. 

Each day with a son is an adventure.

Every day feels like a magical tale when they are young. Our soul never gets enough sticky finger moments or filthy-faced grins. Our windowsills never tire of holding what’s birthed from their pockets: heart-shaped rocks, wilted flowers, and battle sticks. Their wide-eyed amazement, curious spirit, and endless energy scoop us up and keep us whole.

We get lost in their gaze and dream about ways to keep them young and innocent—free from the harshness of the world we know will compete for their still-tender spirit.

And then things start to change a little bit.

Then the tween and teen years come and threaten to break our bond with moments of icy silence, mumbled responses, and curated distance.

But, as boy moms, we have a superpower to see right through the bravado and into the mushy underside of all the toughness they are projecting as they carve a place for themselves in the world. We know those little boys are still in there. The clairvoyance helps us wade through the pangs of deep sadness that come with the transition, however we’re best to allow ourselves the necessary grieving these growing pains demand. 

It’s difficult to let go of the longing for the little boy who loved to curl up in our lap and the grade schooler who couldn’t wait to get home from school and yammer a mile a minute about his day. It’s a challenge to accept that the 11-yr old who felt we could do no wrong is now a teen who thinks we can do no right. The pain is real. But so is the need to hold on to hope because hope does not disappoint. 

Our teen boys still love us the mostest.

They’re simply lost in a sea of hormonal onslaught and peer pressure, trying to survive and figure out the beat of their own drum and how they fit in with the band at large.

So, our best course of action is to lean in harder and love them deeper, remembering that the changes we are experiencing are not personal, just natural.

The truth is our precious little boy is still very much inside the young man marching into independence. If we look long enough, we’ll once again be captivated by the endearing nuances of their littleness constantly peeking through the veil of their grownupness.

Then we can stand in awe of who they are becoming while being deeply absorbed in who they’ve always been as they use their gifts and talents, find their way, and share their heart with others. 

This is what we need to remember as our little boys are growing up.

The child who giggled non-stop, rolled around on the floor, hung on your leg, begged you to read one more book, played with you until dusk, and lit up an entire room with a smile simply because you entered their field of vision still exists. The lighthearted joy bomb who wanted your never-ending attention and chatted both your ears off is still very much inside their more grown-up body.

The child who had no idea embarrassment was an emotion or any concept that ‘being cool’ was a thing is just taking a pause. They simply need to find their place in the world. Right now they are learning to deal with big emotions, social complexities, and how to maneuver through internal changes and external pressures. Once they’ve found their own true north, they will find their way back to you. 

And then our little boys turn into men.

As our sons leave the nest and we begin to do life apart, the hope we held onto burns bright because the profound bond between us begins to deepen and mature. The push and pull subsides and settles into an abiding connection steeped in penetrating love and all-encompassing knowing. 

This type of knowing is something only a mother can understand. She feels it deep in her bones. 

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

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When our kids are little, our job is to do all the things to keep them safe. We bubble wrap them from all the perils of the world by being their protector, provider, healer, instructor, mediator, and fixer. We move mountains to keep them healthy and slay giants to keep them whole. It’s an all-consuming role that instinctively kicks in with a fury the moment we become a mother. No one can prepare us for this momma bear tendency. There aren’t words to describe such a fierce inner roar. It simply makes itself known, and then we know.

But we don’t get to play this role in our kids’ lives forever. As they transition into teens and young adults, we must let them experience hardship, suffering, failure, and harsh consequences from poor decisions. We must let them slay their own giants and move their own mountains. No one prepares us for this either, how to tame the momma bear within and let our kids find their way. There aren’t words to describe the primal ache of letting go. The pain simply makes itself known, and then we know.

The ache we feel is steeped in fear. Fear our kids will falter without some sort of parental intervention. Fear they’ll ruin their futures, suffer needlessly, take a wrong path, miss out on something big, or reap unfortunate consequences if we don’t step in supermom the day.

We can’t help it, really. We spend 18 years loving on our kids like there’s no tomorrow, and then tomorrow comes. We aren’t prepared. The uncertainty of letting go makes us seasick because we lose track of the horizon of their childhood. The disorientation leaves us questioning whether we’ve done enough to prepare them for life on their own. Our fears can be overwhelming.

So, what do we do with this dread and longing to intervene when we know we must set our kids free? How do we see the writing on the wall of an ill-advised choice and say nothing? How do we not jump in and try to fix what we know is broken, so our kids don’t suffer? How do we transition from all-hands-on-deck participants to watchful observers of our young adult children’s lives? How do we trust they’ve learned enough about survival and success by being observers of our lives for 18 years?

There is no easy answer because, like anything, adjusting to such a role reversal takes time. But here are a few shifts in perspective that can help you find your way as a parent during this season.

First, you need to flip the script on your fear, which starts with recognizing this truth: it isn’t what’s actually happening to our kids that stresses us out, but what we think about what’s happening (or will happen) to them that eats us alive.

We’re often consumed by false assumptions or future-driven narratives filled with worst-case scenarios and bad news predictions about their lives. When we are fixated on the fears, frustration, and worry we’ve projected onto our kids, we can’t see what’s right in front of us: grown children who we’ve nurtured, loved, fought for, cared for, and stopped the world for who are more than capable of independence precisely because we busted our asses to set them up for it to the best of our ability.  

Yes, they’ll suffer. Yes, they’ll rail against the consequences of bad choices. Yes, they’ll fail. So did we at their age, right? How did we survive? We figured out how life works one day at a time. We learned how to bounce back from hardships, ease our suffering, and make better choices on. our. own. Partly because of what our parents instilled in us and partly because of what they didn’t.

Our kids need us to trust their evolution and honor their independence, so they grow in confidence and believe in their ability to find their way, manage stress, strive toward goals, and work out of the aftermath of wrong turns. If our default is to insert our opinion, express what we think is right or wrong, or continue to place flares along their path to steer our kids in a direction that is more comfortable ‘for us,’ we are impeding their developing sense of agency.

They need the opportunity to learn from their failures, dig themselves out of a hole, and nurture themselves back to healing so they can build the resolve they need to carry themselves forward. Then they need us to cheer them forward and champion their abilities, to step aside and offer encouragement and affirmation. These actions go a forever way in helping them grow into adults who feel in control of how they respond to life.

Another shift in perspective is to change your “sky is falling mindset” to a spirit of accepting you don’t really know for sure what will happen. Instead of imagining all the things that could go wrong, be more open to what might go right. This fills us with hopeful anticipation about how our kids will find their way out of the mess and what lessons they’ll learn. It forces us to consider what we already know. And what we already know about our teens and young adults comes from a lifetime of observation.  

We’ve watched them mature, reach milestones, and overcome. We’ve witnessed their strengths take root and their gifts begin to blossom. Now we can get to witness how these gifts and strengths will carry them forward. How will they handle the tough situation? How will their suffering transform them? Imagining them finding their way—like we KNOW they can—is what fills us with hope. And then, when we see our kids make it on their own, the awe and wonder are of another kind.

This new role in motherhood is hard as hell for sure. But no matter what season we are in as mommas, all we can do is our best. We swallow heaping spoonfuls of Grace on the daily and we find our way right alongside our children.

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.” You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

How To Raise An Adult by Julie Lythcott-Haims (2015-09-10)How to Raise Successful People: Simple Lessons to Help Your Child Become Self-Driven, Respectful, and ResilientGrown and Flown: How to Support Your Teen, Stay Close as a Family, and Raise Independent AdultsDoing Life with Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out

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As mothers, it’s much easier to talk about all the joy and extraordinary blessing that comes with being a mom. Being vulnerable about what hurts isn’t on anyone’s bucket list. Plus, our good days typically far outweigh the tough ones giving us plenty of bandwidth to share the positive.

But when the bad days mount up during a challenging crisis or a gut-wrenching season, the emotional toll can almost break us. Sometimes it does.

It’s a lonely road walking through the storms of motherhood. I’ve been through more soul-bending seasons over 27 years than I care to admit.

I had a kid who stopped breathing at five days old and had to have risky eye surgery on both eyes at five years old. I had a kid who was bullied relentlessly in middle school. I had a kid who was demeaned by coaches for almost a decade.

I had a kid who sunk into darkness and rebellion in the early teen years. Another who battles severe anxiety. Another who was suicidal because of her journey through sexuality.

I’ve had a kid who barely spoke to me for months. Another blame me for all of their weaknesses and downfalls. And another who continuously broke the rules and didn’t give two shits about it.

I had three kids survive a school shooting.

We also had to “kick out” two of our kids at one point in a show of tough love.

Only another mother can understand what these types of scenarios do to your insides. Only another mother can comprehend the mental and emotional overload:

how you lay awake for hours battling debilitating fear and worry

how your heart breaks and bleeds and longs for a solution

how your stomach turns from swallowing the rejection

how the self-blame, guilt, unworthiness, and despair coils up in your insides

how the emptiness and loneliness eat you alive

We are never prepared for it.

Yet, we continue to put one foot in front of the other. We continue to find enough strength to press onward. Love is a powerful thing. Motherly love something powerful beyond measure.

Love propels us forward even when the weight of the world sits on our chest.

Love medicates the pain and agony enough to make it bearable.

Love wills us to continue seeing the best in our kids even when they choose to see the worst in us.

Love builds up our self-esteem and provides the strength to keep fighting for our family.

Love floods in like a high tide filling the voids.

We are never prepared for this either.

We aren’t prepared for much when it comes to motherhood–for the ecstasy or the grief. The paradox is palpable.

Yet, we warrior onward, fueled by this inconceivable force within us yoked to the heartbeat of our children.

What a journey. What a mystery.

What a gift.

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

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Doing life during a pandemic is a lot. The entire world, as we know it, tilted off its axis, sending all of us careening in a direction we didn’t see coming. If you are anything like me, you’ve spent the majority of 2020 trying to regain your balance. Trying to bear crawl your way back to standing and make sense of your surroundings.

I don’t know if we’ll ever truly make sense of the new landscape, but we have no choice but to make do. We need to make the best of what we have as we adjust to a new way of living.

Raising teens is also a lot. Our entire mom world, as we know it, also tilts off its axis, sending us careening in an emotional direction we for sure didn’t see coming. If you are anything like me when I was raising teens, you spend a lot of time trying to find your equilibrium. Trying to find some sure footing amid the daily ups and downs and all arounds.

Sometimes the most effective way to manage the chaos and uncertainty in both scenarios is to mentally check out of the madness for minute. To ignore the stressful thoughts clamoring for our attention and focus on something that transports us to a different reality and calms our nerves. And binge-watching a T.V. series is an effective escape route.

One of the shows that can provide this haven is Ted Lasso, which streams on Apple+. Ted Lasso stars Jason Sudeikis as a former college football coach selected to run a Premier League soccer team in London. I don’t need to get into a detailed synopsis except to say I experienced 300ish minutes of uninterrupted laughter and heart-bending enjoyment as I watched all ten episodes straight through. Now I am in full-blown Ted Lasso withdrawal, and it appears I have to wait until August of 2021 to get my season 2 fix.

Friends. This show. It is epic. Ted Lasso is precisely what your heart and soul needs. Not only will you experience all the feels, but you will long to adopt every character into your family. With so much going wrong in the world, Ted Lasso represents what’s right. What is good, what is desperately needed.

Trust me when I say you need this show in your life. Here are the seven reasons why this series will give you hope as you tiptoe through teenagedom and maneuver through this health crisis we are all facing:

1. It’s a masterclass in vulnerability

God knows this pandemic has shoved us all into a vulnerable state. I don’t even need to explain how vulnerable we feel raising hormonal teenagers. Being vulnerable is rarely on anyone’s bucket list. But Ted Lasso reminds us how much beauty comes from allowing ourselves to enter into this unguarded space so we can grow. As mommas, we do this by opening up about our struggles and getting the love and encouragement we need.

2. You see firsthand the power of grace and forgiveness

We are living in a world that is brimming with reasons to be angry and bitter. The fury and fear continue to divide us. Raising teens comes with a lot of irritable territory as we deal with mood swings, sass, and all kinds of hard stuff. I think all of us can use a refresher course on the power of forgiveness, and the characters in this show model it beautifully.

3. It reminds you of the importance of being ‘seen and heard

More than anything, I think our teens long to be seen and heard…for who they are, not who we hope they will be or wish they were already. We owe it to each other to lean in and do our best to understand and validate one another as we face the challenges of life together. Ted Lasso pays attention to everyone in the room and, in doing so, builds up the collective.

4. You’ll laugh you’re ass off

Laughter is always the best medicine, and this show does not disappoint.

5. It demonstrates how the power of positivity goes a forever way

In a world bearing the weight of a pandemic, we definitely need to be around people who believe the glass is half full. Our kids, who bear the weight of being a teen, definitely need some good vibrations to mix in with their moods. Ted Lasso is that guy. He proves that having a good attitude is a choice, and positivity has a profound ripple effect. As mommas of teens, it isn’t always easy to be this person for our kids and stay positive when we are at our wits end. So, maybe we just need to adopt Ted Lasso into our family for awhile.

6. It highlights how authenticity heals

None of us are immune to pretending to be someone we’re not at times. We are experts at masking our pain and shielding our insecurities with self-preserving armor. But we long to be real. We desire to live authentic lives. The characters in Ted Lasso show us how having the courage to be honest and transparent brings tremendous healing for everyone.  They remind us why it’s essential to remove the facades and so we can thrive. Sometimes we just need to let our teens know how we really feel because more times than not, we are sharing similar emotions for different reasons.

7. It proves that although change is uncomfortable, we are capable of adapting

Changes should be the theme song for 2020. It feels like every aspect of our life has changed from top to bottom.same when the teen season rolls in.  As a general rule, we aren’t superfans of change, especially when we aren’t seeking it. But, as humans, we are very capable of adapting and finding our way. Ted Lasso provides us a perfect example of what it looks like to recalibrate and find our groove in a new environment, with new rules and different surroundings.

Perhaps even more compelling than all of the above is the hope Ted Lasso provides for us. This show embodies what it means to be human—the joys, struggles, triumphs, and defeats that we all endure while somehow finding a way to keep pressing forward. And the way we get through life is ‘together’ —something the show reminds us of every episode in how they portray the characters and their relationships.

As Ted says, “I believe in hope. I believe in believe.”

And hope does not disappoint. We just need to believe so we can see.

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

Parenting Teens and Tweens, but these popular posts that other parents found helpful just might make it a little easier.

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Mommas, here is a spoiler alert about life on the empty side of the nest: it’s everything you never expected. Plus more.

In case you missed the memo about what this season would be like, let me assure you these years are both THE hardest and THE most fulfilling, sometimes in equal measure.

Please immediately dismantle any constructs about things getting easier when you become a mom of adult kids. That narrative is.a fairy tale.

Please also know you will be caught completely off guard by profound moments of joy and connection. A storyline with great reward.

Today was one of those feel-good, unexpected plot twists for me because my girl asked me to spend the entire day with her. It’s not just any day, though. It’s actually her “Golden” birthday as she celebrates turning 23 on the 23rd.

I mean…. all the feels, right?

She could have spent this day with any number of friends but picked me. Everything I never expected and a gift beyond measure.

Mommas, we come into this gig with zero experience and no instruction manual. Raising actual humans is a big deal and we choose to do so despite being clueless about most things. Being a mom takes mad courage and tenacity. It requires superhuman emotional strength and perseverance.

Yet, instead of recognizing our badassery, we choose to spend an inordinate amount of time beating ourselves up for our flaws. We lose days second-guessing our decisions and worrying about the future. We waste far too much energy feeling guilt and shame about our mistakes. And we definitely don’t give ourselves enough credit for the things we get right.

The good news is, once we reach the empty side of the nest, and we’re no longer deep in the weeds doing every day mom stuff, it’s easier to call out our wayward thinking. The fresh air helps us begin to see things from a fresh perspective.

You realize most things work out eventually and life is shorter than we ever imagined. All that really matters at the end of the day is that we love our kiddos well. This looks like doing our best, learning from our mistakes, and saying sorry when we muck stuff up. It also looks like accepting our kids for who they are, holding them loosely, forgiving their failures, cheering them forward, and giving them the freedom to pursue their dreams rather than follow ours.

Motherhood in general is everything we never expected and more. May we embrace every moment like it’s our last.

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

Parenting teens and tweens is hard,  but maybe it can be a little easier with these popular posts that other parents found helpful. 

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I recently came across an article on Success.com from August 1, 2017, entitled, “10 ways to overcome fear and break out of your comfort zone.”

The top 10 are as follows:

1. Take nothing for granted
2. Switch up your routine
3. Move toward your fears
4. Give up control
5. Try something new until it feels comfortable
6. Ask questions other people don’t want to
7. Start conversations with strangers
8. Agree to something you wouldn’t normally consider
9. Get in front of the camera
10. Keep a list of growth goals

I laughed out loud as I read through the list.

As a parent of teens, this list, or at least most of it, is your life. Breaking out of your comfort zone happens automatically against your will. Like, overnight. Kinda like this pandemic.

All of us can attest to regularly being drop-kicked out of any sense of normalcy. All ten steps complete. Not. Thanking. You. Very. Much.

Parents of teens don’t need experts to give tips and tricks on how to break free from everyday routine. Because as soon as you reach a space where you feel like you can catch your breath for go on cruise control for even a moment, you are reminded that there there is no such thing as autopilot.

Everything surrounding the teenage season is outside of the comfort zone.

Instead, maybe what parents of teens really need is a list of best practices to survive outside of your comfort zone. And we could especially use that kind of guidance right about now. 

We are all so outside our routines and there is about zero sense of normalcy. Nothing makes sense. All bets are off. Tomorrow is a mystery, and we’re really just trying to make it through the next hour.

We’re establishing new rules for survival on the fly. Food, shelter, health, and safety are all that matters. But does it sound all that different than regularly navigating the teenage years?

So, if we were going to create that survival list what exactly would it look like?

How about this for starters:

1. Take nothing personally (well, do your best)
2. Change your perspective where possible
3. Surrender your fears because they’ll eat you alive
4. Remember most things are out of your control
5. Make peace with the uncomfortable—it’s the new normal
6. Find a village to support you (even if it’s a virtual one)
7. Keep a journal for your sanity
8. Accept your teens for who they are right now, not who you hope they’ll be some day
9. Find things to laugh about. Lots and lots and lots of things.
10. Keep a gratitude list

Now, this survival list may help you better manage this perpetual state of uncomfortableness. But the truth is whether you feel like it or not, you have already achieved superhero status. You may not have wanted to and you may still be fighting it, but you’ve become a master at living amidst all things not resembling comfort.

I encourage you to take a long hard look at the first list above from Success magazine. Then give yourself a well-deserved and loving pat on the back for doing every one of these things daily. Plus surviving. That is some real badassery that you should own and be proud of.

We can all do hard things. This is for sure. The resolve of the human spirit is something to behold. 

But that doesn’t make any of the hard stuff easier. It just makes it real. And living out of your comfort zone as part of parenting teens is very real. Just know that the world sees you and feels you now more than ever.

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

Parenting teens and tweens is hard,  but maybe it can be a little easier with these popular posts that other parents found helpful. 

Mamas, We Need To Give Ourselves The Same Grace We Give Our Kids

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Mamas, what is our deal?

Could we be any harder on ourselves? Honestly, think about all the energy we expend keeping ourselves on the hook for our failures. God knows we need someone to give us a break. Turns out all we need to do is look in the mirror because we are that someone. 

We are ruthless interrogators, constantly finding new ways to reprimand, shame, and devalue ourselves when we screw up. It’s as if we can’t handle the truth about who we are, which is love and goodness at the core, by the way.

We have a hard time accepting ourselves as perfectly imperfect women doing the best we can with what we know. This self-bashing needs to stop. Like yesterday.

Can you imagine if we treated our kids as poorly as we treat ourselves every time they made a mistake? If we went on and on with soul-crushing reminders about what they did wrong? No, we can’t imagine because we’d never do that! We love them too much. And therein lies the problem: we don’t love ourselves that much, or much at all sometimes. 

So how do we learn to self-forgive when it feels like we are wired to eat guilt for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? I started to unravel the answer to this question when I learned what Brené Brown has to say about shame and perfectionism.

For me, as a mom, it all starts with perfectionism. Maybe you relate to being driven by the need to be perfect when it comes to how you raise your kids. 

I’ve always tried to be a perfect mom because I never wanted my kids to hurt the way I did growing up. I never wanted them to suffer or experience any trauma, for sure not as a result of faulty mothering on my part. 

Then I heard this definition of perfectionism from Brené: where perfectionism exists, shame is always lurking. In fact, shame is the birthplace of perfectionism.

Say again?

Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism.

I don’t know about you, but this stopped me in my tracks. Especially when you also consider Brené’s definition of shame which she came up with after ten years of shame research: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed, and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.

OUCH.

My heart heaved. 

All this time I thought guilt was my problem. But guilt and shame are two very different things. Guilt says I did something bad, whereas shame says, I am bad. Huge difference. 

I’ve spent decades believing I was flawed and unworthy of love and belonging. No wonder I wanted to be a perfectionist—for all the wrong reasons. I haven’t been scarfing down guilt, but rather steeping in shame. Ugh.

I believe this is why so many of us struggle with self-forgiveness. If we think we have to earn or hustle for our worth, instead of just claiming something that’s already ours simply because we exist, then we’re going have a hard time ever finding it.

Note to ourselves: we are worthy of love and belonging. Period. We are good. Period. 

This is what we want our kids to believe, right? What’s true is always true. #truth

But here’s the other thing when it comes to self-forgiveness, again something I learned from Brené. The common thread she found in her research about forgiveness was this:

“Forgiveness is so difficult because it involves death and grief. When it came to studying forgiveness, I originally looked for patterns in my research for people extending generosity and love but not in people feeling grief. Given the dark fears we feel when we experience loss, nothing is more generous and loving than a willingness to embrace grief to be forgiven. To be forgiven is to be loved.”

So, Mamas, we need to love ourselves first if we want to forgive ourselves. Which means a necessary grieving about losing the construct we’ve established about being a perfect mother. When we let go of this unkind and unreasonable pursuit of perfection, we can heal and finally love the love we are made of. Finally put shame to rest and believe in our worth, offering ourselves grace when we have less-than moments along the way.

How freeing. 

How necessary.

How revolutionary.

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

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Connection.

This need is often the most significant missing piece between us as parents and our teens. Both connection in the way we communicate (or don’t) and how we relate to their world, be it their emotions or interests.

Our teens often feel like we are ancient, clueless, and uncool, among other less than desirable traits. We often feel like they are disrespectful, ungrateful, and impossible to reason with.

Neither scenario is really true all the way through. Much of what we perceive is a projection in both directions, fueled by fear and uncertainty—not mention frayed nerves and emotional overload.

The thing is, our teens crave connection. They need to feel seen, heard, and understood. Mostly they want these affirmations from their peers because, to them, only their peers could possibly “get them.” How could we, their olderish, authoritative, annoying parents ever meet them where they’re at? And there is some truth to their line of reason.

It’s difficult to meet them where they’re at when they shut us out and communicate more with eye roles and exasperation. It’s also difficult because we haven’t lived through the pressures, temptations, and emotional whirlwind that make up their current cultural landscape.

Sometimes the only way to wiggle our way into our teen’s world is by connecting with them in unique ways. My husband and I did this by being very intentional in learning something about our teen’s passions. 

My oldest son loves to cook. So when he was a teen, we began cooking together a few times a month. I always let him pick the recipe even if the food wasn’t something I particularly enjoyed. I’d let my son call the shots and make any creative changes to the recipe by adding ingredients or leaving some out. Doing so gave him full control over something, allowed him to explore, and gave me a chance to learn “from him.” Since he always felt like I was trying to control, teach, and be the boss, the opportunity for him to be in charge helped soften the edges.

My oldest son also went through an EMO (emotional) phase at 13 and began dressing in dark clothing and hooded sweatshirts. He straightened his hair, wore long bangs to cover his face, and listened to dark, depressing music. This season was a gut-wrenching and scary time for all of us. We did undergo family counseling, but my husband also met our son where he was at.

One day he took him to get a haircut, and my husband had our stylist straighten his hair and style his bangs down over his face just like my sons (he happened to have hair long enough to do that). I still cherish the picture we took.

My husband also took our son to see his favorite EMO bands in concert. Did he like the music? Not a chance. Did he appreciate the depressing lyrics? Nope. They scared both of us. But we learned the lyrics and affirmed our son’s passion for this music—all while praying ourselves raw I might add. We asked our son to tell us why he liked the lyrics so we could discuss their deeper meaning. When we felt some of the lyrics were harmful and dangerous to listen to, instead of banning the music all together we teamed up with a dear friend of ours and did research to find Christian bands that were a similar genre as the screamo and heavy-metal music he liked. This way my son was able to listen to the sounds that appealed to him but not be influenced by unhealthy messages.

These are just two examples of how we tried to meet our kids in their teen worlds. The opportunities are endless. We can learn how to play their favorite video game and then take them on—even if we can’t stand the premise or think it’s a waste of time. We can read a book with them and discuss it—letting them pick the book even if it’s something we don’t care to read. We could learn an instrument together or take up a hobby that our teen has expressed interest in trying.

Regardless of what we do, just the act of leaning in and being willing to learn about or participate in something important to them is often disarming enough for us to break through and connect. Anything that puts our teen in the driver seat as a means of helping us find common ground is worth a try.

Even if your teen says no to your suggestions, don’t give up. Keep pursuing new ideas until you find something that gets their attention. Our teens need us in more ways than they will ever admit. Connecting with them beyond the typical parent-child relationship allows them to get their fix without even having to ask for our love and involvement.

Raising teens is one of the hardest things we do as parents. Being a teen is one of the hardest things our kids do as humans. But together, we survive and conquer.

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

I’m not sure what the hardest part is about raising teenagers. The answer is probably different for every parent. But I’ve learned something valuable about the hard part of dealing with their hurtful behaviors.

You know, behaviors like snarky responses to our genuine questions, judgments about our well-meaning actions, and the seemingly overnight transition into someone who appears to despise our very existence. I don’t care how many people warn us about this impending stage, nothing prepares our mom heart for the confusion and hurt that washes up onto the shore of our soul.

I mean, how is it that all the love we have poured into our child from day one— the love they have always welcomed with open arms, suddenly becomes an aggravation and intrusion? How is it that basic questions and requests of them are now acts of war? When did we become the worst person on the planet when just yesterday we were their everything? 

All we have to do is think back to when we were teens to find the answers. 

It won’t take us long to remember how much we were dealing with internally. Insecurity, confusion, rejection, shame, and loneliness are just a few of the everyday emotions we dealt with while trying to find our way. We wanted nothing more than to belong and to be seen by our peers. To fit in, be enough, and have value. Meanwhile, unruly hormones had their way with us, adding to the daily mix of emotional Armageddon. 

When you consider that our peers were dealing with the same mess of feelings—all of us trying to stumble our way through the turmoil, it’s no wonder we struggled to find balance and normalcy and acceptance for who we were, as is. Just like our teens, the upheaval ignited our poor behaviors and hurtful actions toward our parents. They couldn’t possibly understand us when we couldn’t understand ourselves. 

The aha moment for me was remembering that my teens were also dealing with these same debilitating emotions and then recognizing that I was actually mirroring similar emotions as a mom. Sobering. And so very human.

When my kids lashed out with disrespect, said very hurtful things, or rejected my love, a slow stream of insecurity, confusion, shame, and unworthiness started to trickle out of my veins. I wanted nothing more than to feel like I still belonged in their world and longed to be seen by my child. I wanted to be enough for them and to have value as their mother.  

We all do. That’s the calling card of motherhood.

It’s no wonder the teenage years are wrought with so much tension and inner anguish for parents and children. We are literally walking in each other’s shoes, yet everything feels like we are miles apart. What a paradox.

So, to save us both, I made a mental shift to see my teens as lost souls trying to make sense of a raging sea of uncertainty. Then I gave myself similar grace as I learned to swim in the same murky water. 

One of us has to stop identifying our worth based on the behavior of others. And it’s unlikely to be our teen because they are surrounded by peers who are all measuring themselves up against one another. That’s the only thing they know how to do in the trenches of becoming independent and figuring out who they are.

But we can show them another way by doing our best to remain rooted in the truth that we are valuable and worthy just as we are regardless of how our teens act and react toward us. Of course, this is not to say we become doormats and let them get away with blatant disrespect. It’s just that we see through the meanness to the pain lurking underneath and try not to take their wrath personally. 

I wish I could say that this new way of looking at things made everything easier for me. The truth is, my kids still lash out and say hurtful things at times even though they are in their 20s, and the sting still hurts. A lot. But the turnaround time on my heartbreak is much better. The other truth is I still act out sometimes even though I’m two months shy of 50. Fear has a way of bringing out the worst in us. The good news is, love has a way of bringing out the best. 

May we all do our best to survive the changing tides and find the strength to shine on through the heartache, knowing and trusting that at some point, our teens will push through these waves and find their way to the shore of our love again.

You have my heart…

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

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