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 “Geeeeez, MOM. What is YOUR problem?”

This was my teen’s response when I thought that I very kindly asked her if she would please stop playing the guitar for just 15 minutes while I finished some paperwork that needed my full attention.

In an attempt to keep the situation from escalating further, I apologized if I was being unreasonable, but assured her that she could resume playing as soon as I was done.

“Welllllllllllllllll, okaaaay then, Mom,” she sarcastically shot back.

I don’t remember whether the screeching sound of her eyeballs rolling inside her head was louder than the roll of my own.

What is it with teenagers? I actually had three of them in my household at the same time, and I was in constant flux trying to keep up with their erratic emotional swings and over the top attitude. I often felt like I couldn’t do anything right, in their eyes or mine. Sigh……..

It’s hard being a mom in today’s world. We feel like we’re constantly under a microscope and like we rarely are doing anything right. All that scrutiny can make us pretty insecure. Then add in the snark and back talk of teens, and trying not to take it all personally was a challenge.

Like many moms, I decided early on that I was going to do everything I could to be the best mom. A mom who was patient, kind, understanding, open-minded, and emotionally available. And for or the most part, I was all of these things, except when my teens were reminding me I wasn’t.

It wasn’t until I read the book, The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz that I began to realize the extent of the psychological harm I was doing to myself by taking all the things my teens said to me so personally. And not only was it harming me, but it was having a negative ripple effect on my whole family.

One of the four agreements in the book says we must master not taking things personally to have a more joy-filled and peaceful life. I knew I had to get a grip on my tendency to let my teens’ bad attitudes hurt my heart (and my mama self-esteem). Once I did, it caused a major shift in how I parented going forward. Recognizing my kids rude and obnoxious (buy typically teen) behaviors had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them became an IV drip for my soul and my sanity.

The first step for me was realizing that I was not alone in these feelings. It can be easy to look around or scroll social media and think we’re the only one with teens who can be mean and ugly. It’s easy to think their behavior is a reflection on us, instead of realizing this is just how teens operate to some extent.

Lots of moms struggle with taking the things their kids say and do way too personally. Think about how often we swallow the behaviors, words, and reactions of our kids as personal pills of reward or rejection. Every time we pull this particular bottle from the medicine cabinet of motherhood looking for affirmation, we risk compromising our self-esteem and self-worth.

If you’re anything like me, here’s the pattern: when they make good choices, treat us well, follow the rules, or even do well in school we take the positive experiences as personal confirmation that we are doing things right. An A+ on our mom report card.

But, when our kids act out or disrespect us, we often perceive the negative behavior as a reflection on our ability to teach them right from wrong. This unleashes all kinds of harsh feelings like shame, anger, despair, embarrassment—all of which become a cascade of big fat F’s on that same mom report card.

The problem with climbing on this emotional see saw is that it becomes exhausting work riding the constant up and down of our adolescents’ moods. And it impacts our ability to parent effectively. This is a tough stage in life, and our teens are acting out in an attempt to exert their own independence. It’s what they should be doing (within reason), and it makes sense they don’t always appreciate it when we pump the brakes as they want to speed up into adulthood. There is just going to be a natural push and pull between us and them right now.

But if we constantly take their anger, frustration, and attitude personally and allow that to become an indicator of whether we’re doing a good job or not, then we’re going to become ineffective parents. We’ll be ruled by their whims and their warped perception of the world.

Yes, warped. Their underdeveloped brains give them a fairly narrow and short-term view of things. Plus, let’s talk about all those out of control hormones. So right now, our teen’s behaviors are much more a reflection of who they are: insecure babes trying to find their place in this big, uncertain world.

This is what we need to remind ourselves when we find their words slicing into our psyche, creating doubt and fear and insecurity. Instead, when we choose to just let them roll off us like waves, the ripple effect can be far-reaching.

When we don’t react to all their drama and let them turn our insides upside down, we become a more steady force. We don’t feed their negativity. And without fuel, their fires of indignation and outrage often fizzle out. We also serve as an example that just because those around us are acting out, doesn’t mean we have to be influenced by them.

Lastly, our teens spend a large part of their days in chaotic, pressure-filled situations. When we let them bring that home to us, then the one safe place they need to be able to count on for understanding, acceptance, and calm is lost. It is up to us to preserve that for them.

THIS was the secret with The Four Agreements, and it was why it became such a game-changer for my family. I wish I could say I’ve mastered it, but I’ll continue to practice. With three teens, I get plenty of opportunities.

There are also three other agreements; Be impeccable with your word
Don’t make assumptions, and Do your best. We’ll cover those another time. But by applying one or sometimes all four, I’ve been able to dig myself out of many of the parenting holes I find myself down. I highly recommend this book for all people, but especially mommas of teens.

This season gives our soul a chance to stretch and our heart the opportunity to deepen with love as we nurture our teens from innocence to independence.

If we’re lucky, we transform right along with them and all of us end up better humans as a result.

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts.  

This is What To Say And Do When Your Teen Is In A Funk

How To Have A More Peaceful Relationship With Your Teen- Guaranteed

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I recently had a conversation with my 23 yr. old son. He’s been back home for the past year since graduation working on some personal projects and searching for a job. As we discussed his high school journey and all the prep work expected of him for college, I asked him if the pressure to fill his “resume” as a teenager helped or hindered him.

“I felt like it was all about performance and not so much about who I was as a person. I spent a lot of time worrying about how I was “perceived” based on end results; like I often had to do more to keep up or fit the mold for success.”

His response shook me, although a part of me wasn’t surprised at all.

This has become the norm for our kids, hasn’t it? 

Teenagers are loaded down with overwhelming expectations. Not only to strive for perfection in academics, but also to serve, lead, participate, and be involved in a million activities before they turn 18 if they want a reasonable chance to get into a decent college.

When are teens allowed to be the kids they still are who just experience life as it comes rather than a life that is force-fed, scripted, and decided for them?

How are teens supposed to form an identity, grow in confidence, and believe they are worthy and enough, as is?

All the pressure to perform and race through the natural maturation process into adulthood robs our teens of the one universal longing of all humankind: to love and be loved—just as we are, not as who others think, hope, or wish we would be.

In her book, The Awakened Family: A Revolution in Parenting, Dr. Shefali Tsabary says this, “Every child wants to know three things: Am I seen? Am I worthy? Do I matter? When kids feel seen, believe they are worthy, and discern they matter for who they are as a person not just their accomplishments, their natural love of themselves manifests in a love of life.”

Gah. This quote. Don’t all of us as moms want this for our kids? Don’t all of us need these things for ourselves?

Love is what makes the world go ‘round. Love is what we’re made of and why we’re here. But for teens to live life from this healthy space, they need to find their way into their authentic self—the true version brimming with gifts and talents just waiting to bloom when the moment is right. The journey to finding out who they are takes time and gobs of experience. Rushing them through the process sets our teens up for unnecessary struggle.

So, how can we counteract the current culture and recipe for “success” when it comes to our teens walk into adulthood? How can we ensure we do enough to meet our teenager’s longing to love and be loved just as they are?

After years of trial and error with my kids and a decade of involvement in teen ministry, these are the five insights that I think truly made a difference for my teens and the ones I ministered to:

Be In the Now

Because the teenage brain functions in the now, it is imperative to express our gratitude, love, and admiration for the things they are getting right today—even if it has to be alongside our concerns or exasperation about all the things they did wrong. The frontal lobe of a human brain, that thing capable of discerning, “If I do this, then that will happen,” isn’t fully developed until well into our twenties. This means our teens will screw-up. On repeat. Just like we did. Multiple times over. Teens get an overload of negative feedback from the world around them, so our affirmations and positivity go a forever way even if they don’t acknowledge our encouragement.

Meet Them Where They Are

We need to meet our teen right where they’re at, not where we hope they will be or wish they were already. Who they are at any given moment is probably the best they can be…just like us. They are on a journey too, and goodness knows that for me as a mom, I always tried my best and some days my best stunk to the third heaven. If our teens feel their worthiness is linked to achievement or performance, when they fail, their self-esteem takes a hit every time…just like us.

They Are Their Own People

Teenagers desire to be known and acknowledged for who they are, what they stand for, and what they believe whether we agree or not. Although their journey of self-awareness is still ongoing, accepting them at each step along the way breeds hope. We have to remember we were trying to find our way back then as well when the world was far less complicated. And most of us are still trying to figure ourselves out.

Don’t Be A Hypocrite

Becoming wise to the nuances of the current teen streetscape helped me recognize my parent pride and ignorance. My husband and I chose to build a bridge between our personal teen experience and our kids’ harrowing reality. Because teens can sniff out a hypocrite a magnificent mile away, we were transparent about our mistakes, poor choices, and misguided pursuits. Walking across the plank toward independence “together” built trust between us.

Be A Role Model

The best way to teach our teens how to love and be loved is to model it, both in and out of our family dynamic—especially to those who are different from us. But maybe even more important is showing them the importance of loving ourselves. We set the bar on self-love.

At the end of the day, the more we can do to let our teens know they are seen, they are worthy, and they matter, the easier it will be for them to believe they are capable of giving and receiving love. This sense of inherent value sets them up for success far more significant than a test score, a loaded resume, or a childhood full of relentless programmed activity.

Teens who enter adulthood with a healthy sense of self, full of confidence, and the freedom to pursue the unique calling inside them may have the highest chance of making the world a better place for all of us—a world in dire need of more love and compassion.

In my eyes, teens are a special breed who, ironically, might do more to help meet our longing as adults to love and be loved if given the space to unfold at their own pace and become who they were destined to be. My teenagers for sure made me a better human. The footprint I leave on the world will include, in large part, the influence of my beautiful kids in their most challenging years.

What a gift.

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts.  

Parenting teens and tweens can be so hard, but there is more here to help you:

Dear Daughter Let Me Help Make Sure Life Doesn’t Wear You Down

This Is What To Say And Do When Your Teen Is In A Funk

In today’s 24/7 tech world, our kids no longer have any safe places.

Public has become the new private for teens, and we should all be worried about what that means.  

When we think about all the challenges our teens face even without the tech, it pales in comparison to what any of us experienced growing up. Their out of control schedules combined with all the academic pressure is already enough to raise serious concerns about the well-being of our sons and daughters, but tech is taking things to a whole new level.

Our kids are not okay.

A troubling new study was just released with findings that show ER visits for suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts have doubled among young people in the last ten years. And you guessed it, social media and cyberbullying are both considered potential causes.

It’s a struggle to comprehend how our kids maneuver the landmines of living in a projector screen society when already weighed down by insecurities, body changes, and conflicting self-awareness. And the reality is, most of them aren’t navigating it well at all. Our role in helping them is vital.

Having raised three teens in the middle of all of this, I have no doubt that living in a culture crazed with non-stop communication is one of the biggest threats to raising healthy, well-adjusted kids. Trying to cultivate self-worth, self-love, and self-awareness inside a noisy, predominantly digital, and often unauthentic world filled with texting, snapping, posting, and tweeting about everybody’s business is almost impossible. Not to mention the unforgiving harshness of the comparison game being played out on social media.

Most of us grew up not knowing what was going on with our friends or the world except through face to face communication, in-class note passing, or talking over an antique gadget connected to a wall. Can you imagine a cord long enough for us to drag our earpiece to the mall, ballfield, or park?

Teen drama, for the most part, was contained to the school day. Once we left the hallways of our high school to head home, we could escape from it all, at least temporarily. 

Our teens don’t get that refuge anymore.

Instead, they are constantly connected. Their phones have become a fixture in their palms from dawn to dusk; some kids even sleep with them. Online gaming is a realm of its own, keeping teens in the space of virtual reality rather than experiencing everyday life.

For all of these reasons and more, our role as parents in providing them a safe space to just “be” has become more important than ever. We need to be their safe space, and we must set more boundaries and create more opportunities for our kids to be unplugged.

One way to do this is by setting ground rules for cell phones and other technology when our kids have friends over. As soon as their peers walk in the door, the phone must be dropped in a box or basket for the duration of the visit. No exceptions. The result is carefree timelessness for kids to be kids and connect in the present moment. Something they sorely need.

A rule we still have in our home when our adult kids visit is no phones at the dinner table. Instead we talk about all kinds of things. And it doesn’t always have to be, “How was your day?” type stuff either. Teens have plenty to talk about, the key is meeting them where they’re at. This list of 100 questions to ask your teen is a great place to start.

Teens also need us to demonstrate the value of healthy communication: face-to-face, vulnerable sharing coupled with compassionate listening. The more they experience honest, human interaction, the easier it will be to see through the smoke and mirrors of social media.

Too many of our teens are buying into the illusion of meaningful connection via technology. The constant contact waters down authentic relationship and is a breeding ground for hurtful and viral rhetoric that can destroy an adolescent’s sense of identity and purpose. Seeing tweens and teens navigate through these dark and rising waters and the way it so often pulls them under, breaks my heart over and over.

They need more lifelines.

Since our teens won’t always want to open up to us, it’s crucial for them to have other trusted adults and role models in their world. The more people who can be there for our kids as a sounding board the better. The truth is, I’ve been doing this mom gig for 25 years, and I still don’t know what the heck I’m doing. If any other adult is willing to engage with my kids, I’m grateful and all for it. It takes a village is no lie.

Honestly, it’s not just our kids who need more time to just ‘be.’ To breathe and take in the now. Most parents are struggling with this themselves, but making an effort to model this for our kids may be the greatest gift we can give them.

None of us are immune to the distractions of this present day and age.

It takes a great deal of mindfulness and intent for us to carve out quality time to interact with and enjoy the people we love. It takes a concerted effort to engage in meaningful conversation.

A dear friend of mine decided to meet this challenge by implementing something called, “Phones off! Family on!” She and her husband have two teenage girls at home, and during this time of no phones, they do things as a family like cooking together, playing board games, going on a bike ride, even watching a movie—but with no phones!

No, there are very few safe spaces for our kids anymore, unless we step in and make them. Setting boundaries, carving out time for meaningful connection, and spending more unplugged time as a family are a few of the ways we can help our teens become healthy adults in today’s tech-driven world.

Everyone needs downtime to thrive. The more we help our teens disconnect from the cyber world and find joy in real-time relationships, the more we help ourselves as well.

This was a contributed post from Sheby Spear. She is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts.  

Parenting Teens and Tweens is hard! But we’ve got more to help you make it a little easier.

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