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Mamas, what is our deal?

Could we be any harder on ourselves? Honestly, think about all the energy we expend keeping ourselves on the hook for our failures. God knows we need someone to give us a break. Turns out all we need to do is look in the mirror because we are that someone. 

We are ruthless interrogators, constantly finding new ways to reprimand, shame, and devalue ourselves when we screw up. It’s as if we can’t handle the truth about who we are, which is love and goodness at the core, by the way.

We have a hard time accepting ourselves as perfectly imperfect women doing the best we can with what we know. This self-bashing needs to stop. Like yesterday.

Can you imagine if we treated our kids as poorly as we treat ourselves every time they made a mistake? If we went on and on with soul-crushing reminders about what they did wrong? No, we can’t imagine because we’d never do that! We love them too much. And therein lies the problem: we don’t love ourselves that much, or much at all sometimes. 

So how do we learn to self-forgive when it feels like we are wired to eat guilt for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? I started to unravel the answer to this question when I learned what Brené Brown has to say about shame and perfectionism.

For me, as a mom, it all starts with perfectionism. Maybe you relate to being driven by the need to be perfect when it comes to how you raise your kids. 

I’ve always tried to be a perfect mom because I never wanted my kids to hurt the way I did growing up. I never wanted them to suffer or experience any trauma, for sure not as a result of faulty mothering on my part. 

Then I heard this definition of perfectionism from Brené: where perfectionism exists, shame is always lurking. In fact, shame is the birthplace of perfectionism.

Say again?

Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism.

I don’t know about you, but this stopped me in my tracks. Especially when you also consider Brené’s definition of shame which she came up with after ten years of shame research: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed, and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.

OUCH.

My heart heaved. 

All this time I thought guilt was my problem. But guilt and shame are two very different things. Guilt says I did something bad, whereas shame says, I am bad. Huge difference. 

I’ve spent decades believing I was flawed and unworthy of love and belonging. No wonder I wanted to be a perfectionist—for all the wrong reasons. I haven’t been scarfing down guilt, but rather steeping in shame. Ugh.

I believe this is why so many of us struggle with self-forgiveness. If we think we have to earn or hustle for our worth, instead of just claiming something that’s already ours simply because we exist, then we’re going have a hard time ever finding it.

Note to ourselves: we are worthy of love and belonging. Period. We are good. Period. 

This is what we want our kids to believe, right? What’s true is always true. #truth

But here’s the other thing when it comes to self-forgiveness, again something I learned from Brené. The common thread she found in her research about forgiveness was this:

“Forgiveness is so difficult because it involves death and grief. When it came to studying forgiveness, I originally looked for patterns in my research for people extending generosity and love but not in people feeling grief. Given the dark fears we feel when we experience loss, nothing is more generous and loving than a willingness to embrace grief to be forgiven. To be forgiven is to be loved.”

So, Mamas, we need to love ourselves first if we want to forgive ourselves. Which means a necessary grieving about losing the construct we’ve established about being a perfect mother. When we let go of this unkind and unreasonable pursuit of perfection, we can heal and finally love the love we are made of. Finally put shame to rest and believe in our worth, offering ourselves grace when we have less-than moments along the way.

How freeing. 

How necessary.

How revolutionary.

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

Parenting teens and tweens is hard,  but maybe it can be a little easier with these popular posts that other parents found helpful. 

Moms of Teens, Sometimes All You Can Do Is The Next Right Thing

Give Yourself Grace Mama, You’re Doing The Best That You Can

Connection.

This need is often the most significant missing piece between us as parents and our teens. Both connection in the way we communicate (or don’t) and how we relate to their world, be it their emotions or interests.

Our teens often feel like we are ancient, clueless, and uncool, among other less than desirable traits. We often feel like they are disrespectful, ungrateful, and impossible to reason with.

Neither scenario is really true all the way through. Much of what we perceive is a projection in both directions, fueled by fear and uncertainty—not mention frayed nerves and emotional overload.

The thing is, our teens crave connection. They need to feel seen, heard, and understood. Mostly they want these affirmations from their peers because, to them, only their peers could possibly “get them.” How could we, their olderish, authoritative, annoying parents ever meet them where they’re at? And there is some truth to their line of reason.

It’s difficult to meet them where they’re at when they shut us out and communicate more with eye roles and exasperation. It’s also difficult because we haven’t lived through the pressures, temptations, and emotional whirlwind that make up their current cultural landscape.

Sometimes the only way to wiggle our way into our teen’s world is by connecting with them in unique ways. My husband and I did this by being very intentional in learning something about our teen’s passions. 

My oldest son loves to cook. So when he was a teen, we began cooking together a few times a month. I always let him pick the recipe even if the food wasn’t something I particularly enjoyed. I’d let my son call the shots and make any creative changes to the recipe by adding ingredients or leaving some out. Doing so gave him full control over something, allowed him to explore, and gave me a chance to learn “from him.” Since he always felt like I was trying to control, teach, and be the boss, the opportunity for him to be in charge helped soften the edges.

My oldest son also went through an EMO (emotional) phase at 13 and began dressing in dark clothing and hooded sweatshirts. He straightened his hair, wore long bangs to cover his face, and listened to dark, depressing music. This season was a gut-wrenching and scary time for all of us. We did undergo family counseling, but my husband also met our son where he was at.

One day he took him to get a haircut, and my husband had our stylist straighten his hair and style his bangs down over his face just like my sons (he happened to have hair long enough to do that). I still cherish the picture we took.

My husband also took our son to see his favorite EMO bands in concert. Did he like the music? Not a chance. Did he appreciate the depressing lyrics? Nope. They scared both of us. But we learned the lyrics and affirmed our son’s passion for this music—all while praying ourselves raw I might add. We asked our son to tell us why he liked the lyrics so we could discuss their deeper meaning. When we felt some of the lyrics were harmful and dangerous to listen to, instead of banning the music all together we teamed up with a dear friend of ours and did research to find Christian bands that were a similar genre as the screamo and heavy-metal music he liked. This way my son was able to listen to the sounds that appealed to him but not be influenced by unhealthy messages.

These are just two examples of how we tried to meet our kids in their teen worlds. The opportunities are endless. We can learn how to play their favorite video game and then take them on—even if we can’t stand the premise or think it’s a waste of time. We can read a book with them and discuss it—letting them pick the book even if it’s something we don’t care to read. We could learn an instrument together or take up a hobby that our teen has expressed interest in trying.

Regardless of what we do, just the act of leaning in and being willing to learn about or participate in something important to them is often disarming enough for us to break through and connect. Anything that puts our teen in the driver seat as a means of helping us find common ground is worth a try.

Even if your teen says no to your suggestions, don’t give up. Keep pursuing new ideas until you find something that gets their attention. Our teens need us in more ways than they will ever admit. Connecting with them beyond the typical parent-child relationship allows them to get their fix without even having to ask for our love and involvement.

Raising teens is one of the hardest things we do as parents. Being a teen is one of the hardest things our kids do as humans. But together, we survive and conquer.

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

I’m not sure what the hardest part is about raising teenagers. The answer is probably different for every parent. But I’ve learned something valuable about the hard part of dealing with their hurtful behaviors.

You know, behaviors like snarky responses to our genuine questions, judgments about our well-meaning actions, and the seemingly overnight transition into someone who appears to despise our very existence. I don’t care how many people warn us about this impending stage, nothing prepares our mom heart for the confusion and hurt that washes up onto the shore of our soul.

I mean, how is it that all the love we have poured into our child from day one— the love they have always welcomed with open arms, suddenly becomes an aggravation and intrusion? How is it that basic questions and requests of them are now acts of war? When did we become the worst person on the planet when just yesterday we were their everything? 

All we have to do is think back to when we were teens to find the answers. 

It won’t take us long to remember how much we were dealing with internally. Insecurity, confusion, rejection, shame, and loneliness are just a few of the everyday emotions we dealt with while trying to find our way. We wanted nothing more than to belong and to be seen by our peers. To fit in, be enough, and have value. Meanwhile, unruly hormones had their way with us, adding to the daily mix of emotional Armageddon. 

When you consider that our peers were dealing with the same mess of feelings—all of us trying to stumble our way through the turmoil, it’s no wonder we struggled to find balance and normalcy and acceptance for who we were, as is. Just like our teens, the upheaval ignited our poor behaviors and hurtful actions toward our parents. They couldn’t possibly understand us when we couldn’t understand ourselves. 

The aha moment for me was remembering that my teens were also dealing with these same debilitating emotions and then recognizing that I was actually mirroring similar emotions as a mom. Sobering. And so very human.

When my kids lashed out with disrespect, said very hurtful things, or rejected my love, a slow stream of insecurity, confusion, shame, and unworthiness started to trickle out of my veins. I wanted nothing more than to feel like I still belonged in their world and longed to be seen by my child. I wanted to be enough for them and to have value as their mother.  

We all do. That’s the calling card of motherhood.

It’s no wonder the teenage years are wrought with so much tension and inner anguish for parents and children. We are literally walking in each other’s shoes, yet everything feels like we are miles apart. What a paradox.

So, to save us both, I made a mental shift to see my teens as lost souls trying to make sense of a raging sea of uncertainty. Then I gave myself similar grace as I learned to swim in the same murky water. 

One of us has to stop identifying our worth based on the behavior of others. And it’s unlikely to be our teen because they are surrounded by peers who are all measuring themselves up against one another. That’s the only thing they know how to do in the trenches of becoming independent and figuring out who they are.

But we can show them another way by doing our best to remain rooted in the truth that we are valuable and worthy just as we are regardless of how our teens act and react toward us. Of course, this is not to say we become doormats and let them get away with blatant disrespect. It’s just that we see through the meanness to the pain lurking underneath and try not to take their wrath personally. 

I wish I could say that this new way of looking at things made everything easier for me. The truth is, my kids still lash out and say hurtful things at times even though they are in their 20s, and the sting still hurts. A lot. But the turnaround time on my heartbreak is much better. The other truth is I still act out sometimes even though I’m two months shy of 50. Fear has a way of bringing out the worst in us. The good news is, love has a way of bringing out the best. 

May we all do our best to survive the changing tides and find the strength to shine on through the heartache, knowing and trusting that at some point, our teens will push through these waves and find their way to the shore of our love again.

You have my heart…

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

Parentings teens is hard, but other parents found these posts helped make things a little easier:

Why And How To Stop Taking Your Teen’s Attitude Personally

8 Genius Responses For When Your Teen Is Being Lazy And Entitled

How To Help Teens Better Manage Their Anger

I want you three to grasp the importance of doing the right thing, no matter how the rest of the world behaves around you. Our individual actions affect the collective spirit. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Therefore:

It matters to me that you’re kind.

It matters to me that you try hard not to judge others; being the best version of yourself is enough work for your lifetime.

It matters to me that you try your best to make a difference in the world, no matter how small.

It matters to me that you don’t walk through life with a label maker; attaching sticky tabs to everyone you meet. (including yourself)

It matters to me that you know you are a beautiful creation and take care of your mind, body, spirit.

It matters to me that you know how to give and receive love.

It matters to me that you appreciate nature because all creation is a gift.

It matters to me that you respect others even when they disrespect you.

It matters to me that you don’t define yourself by who others perceive you to be.

It matters to me that you don’t define others by who you perceive them to be.

It matters to me that you appreciate the value of human life—in every sense of the word.

It matters to me that you participate in the world from a place of love, not fear; that your heart always leads – not your ego.

It matters to me that you live your dream, not someone else’s dream for you.

It matters to me that you smile at others even on a bad day.

It matters to me that you believe goodness always exists, even when the media tells you otherwise.

It matters to me that you always choose to be the change you want to see.

It matters to me that when you stand up for what you believe, you do so without stepping on another.

It matters to me that you choose to be a good listener – not just a hearer.

It matters to me that you have a mindset to serve, not to be served.

It matters to me that you embrace your uniqueness and the uniqueness of others; “normal” is an illusion.

It matters to me that you believe in something greater than yourself and don’t take for granted the miracle you are.

It matters to me that you know without a doubt how much I love you – and that NOTHING can ever separate you from my love.

It matters to me that we all do one thing very well – be LOVE. The rest takes care of itself.

Love is what we’re made of. Love is why we’re here. Never stop being love. The world needs you.

Love,
Mom

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

Parentings teens is hard, but other parents found these posts helped make things a little easier:

How To Have A More Peaceful Relationship With Your Teen; Guaranteed

Dear Teenage Son, This Is The Kind Of Man We Hope You Will Become

5 Simple Things You Need To Keep Doing When Kids Are Teens

Words Can Crush Our Teen Girls For A Lifetime, Here’s How To Help

(*Spoiler alert: If you have not seen Frozen 2, bookmark this post until after the movie)

God love Anna, the younger sister of Princess Elsa, and her journey in the Frozen sequel. These two siblings are like peanut butter and jelly, so when Anna thinks she’s lost her beautiful and magical “north star” sister forever, intense grief and anguish consume her. We watch her lay in agony on the floor of a cave as she begins to sing through tears of desperation what is perhaps one of the most beautiful songs in the movie.

“This is empty. This is numb. The life I knew before is over. The lights are out. Hello darkness, I’m ready to succumb.”

Not sure about you, but these words unglued me. Truth be told, I’ve been ruminating over this song in general ever since I saw the movie because I believe it speaks volumes about our roles as mothers of teenagers.

The life we once knew—when our kids were perpetually happy, obedient, lighthearted, full of joy, and loving toward us appears to be over when our kids hit the tween and teen years. This new world feels lonely and dark, and we struggle to find direction when it comes to raising them up. The weight of worry, fear, guilt, frustration, and confusion often leaves us feeling empty and numb.

It’s easy to feel completely lost when trying to mother hormonal, emotional, hypersensitive, sometimes illogical, combative, and irrational human beings. When that happens, we can begin to lose our sense of self—our identity, purpose, and confidence. We long for the days of old when life was easier and our kids needed us, enjoyed our company, and followed the rules.

All these losses, between losing our personal bearings and having to let go of so many things as our kids progress through the ages and stages of development, constitute a necessary grieving on our part. And grief in any form can knock us on our backsides leaving us paralyzed with all kinds of weighty thoughts and emotions.

So, what do we do in these moments of darkness when we feel like we’ve lost our mojo and are alone on a motherhood island, immersed in our suffering?

I think we take the advice of Anna who continues in her song:

“This grief has a gravity. It weighs me down. But a tiny voice whispers in my mind, “You are lost, hope is gone. But you must go on and do the next right thing.”

Yes! This is when I internally cheered while tears rained even harder down my face in the movie theater. Gah.

Making a choice to do the next right thing sounds like a simple remedy for dealing with heavy emotional burdens, but that’s what makes it powerful. It means we don’t have to try and figure out everything that’s overwhelming us all at once. We don’t need to know the endgame. Instead, we can just make a choice to do the next right thing in the present moment.

Maybe the next right thing is allowing ourselves to lay on the floor and cry for awhile so we can process our feelings instead of stuffing them down, which never works in the long run. Giving ourselves permission to be okay with not being okay.

Maybe the next right thing is as simple as apologizing to our teen if in our exasperation we’ve said or done something we regret. And the next right thing after that might be to forgive ourselves for not being perfect.

Maybe the next right thing is texting or calling a friend and saying, “I’m losing it over here. I can’t do motherhood anymore. Help.”

Maybe the next right thing is getting away for a few hours or a few days to refresh and renew.

Maybe the next right thing is getting help. I’ve been in and out of therapy for decades and have zero shame admitting this. Sometimes we just can’t manage everything on our own and outside counsel is imperative for our health—and for the health of our family.

Maybe the next right thing is choosing not to fight today’s battle. To just let the chips fall and allow ourselves to breathe and have peace regardless of what chaos or injustice is happening around us.

The list of next right things we can do is endless. The key is to pick action steps that are doable and point us in a healthy direction. Things that build up our self-worth, remind us of what is actually going right, and give us hope for a better future.

We may not know much about anything while parenting through the teen years. But if we take baby steps, offering ourselves and our kids heaping doses of grace along the way, eventually we make it to the other side.

As Anna says, “I won’t look too far ahead. It’s too much for me to take. But break it down to this next breath. This next step. This next choice is one that I can make.”

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

Parentings teens is hard, but other parents found these posts helped make things a little easier:

Give Yourself Grace Mama, You’re Doing The Best That You Can

Why Your Teen Feels Like All You Do Is Criticize Them And How To Fix It

I Know It’s Hard Now, But Your Teens Will Come Back To You

I often wonder as a mom what “doing my best” really means. Because somedays, my supposed best feels like a hot mess.

When my middle son was playing high school basketball, I’d have to pick him up after practice most nights. Even though the schedule said practice ended at 8:00 pm, I’d often sit in my car at the school for an extra 20-30 minutes waiting on him to come out. At first, I didn’t make a big deal. But after several weeks of practices never ending on time, and no communication from the coach, one night I lost my mind.

My poor son got in the car and took the brunt of all my frustration. “If these practices don’t end when they are supposed to, I’m not going to come up here and wait around anymore! This is ridiculous! You’ll just have to text me when you are done and wait on me until I get here. And I don’t want to hear a peep from you about having to stand around until I get here. I have a life you know! Why can’t you at least warn me ahead of time that you’ll be late??”

Sound familiar?

It’s hard in these moments to feel like we’re doing right by our kids. In our hearts it feels like failure.

None of circumstances that I was railing against were in my son’s control. He had no way of letting me know ahead of time about a practice that he had no idea would run late. It’s not his fault that the coach didn’t seem too interested in the lives and schedules of the parents. My threat to make my son wait on me the next time was a total projection of my frustration toward the coach.

But what made my outburst even worse was that my middle son is a peacemaker. His kind and gentle manner made my hot mess look hotter and messier in comparison.

He didn’t argue back, but kept telling me he was sorry and there was nothing he could do. You would think his remorse would have calmed me down and helped me get ahold of myself. Instead, I continued to fume and rant the whole drive home.

I went to bed that night feeling like the worst mom on the planet, and certainly didn’t feel like I had “done my best” that day.

But over time I’ve come to accept that even at my worst, I truly was doing the best I could. If not, things could have gone further sideways. I could have given into my annoyance and just left, telling my son to find another ride or walk home. I could have stormed into the gym and given the coach a piece of my crazed mind. But these choices could have put my son in danger or humiliated him and both would have seriously damaged our relationship as mother and son.

Even though I acted like a two-year-old, it was the best I had to offer after a long day, and it was a far less damaging scenario in the grand scheme of things.

Think about it. When 8 o’clock rolls around, we are tired, mommas. Right? After a long day of who knows what between work, caregiving, and doing all the things, we just want to be in our pjs and call it a night.

So, I was frustrated at this coach intruding on my plans and keeping me from my PJ’s. Well, at least that’s how I rationalized it at the time.

The next day I apologized to my son for my meltdown, which he promptly accepted. What I didn’t do however, was give myself the same grace. I remember the negative self-talk yammering in my head for quite a while after the incident. Not to mention after many other less-than situations.

Mom guilt is a thief, always robbing us of joy and self-worth—and we are complicit in the thievery!

Mommas, we need to believe that if we are loving our kids, we are doing our best. Our actions and behaviors won’t be perfect. But underneath the imperfection is radical love. This is what matters, and this is what hopefully sticks for the long haul.

As the late and wonderfully wise Maya Angelou says, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

Raising Teens is HARD and we know it. Maybe these posts other parents found helpful can make it a little bit easier.

Why And How To Stop Taking Your Teen’s Attitude Personally

Why Your Teen Feels Like All You Do Is Criticize Them And How To Fix It

8 Genius Responses For When Your Teen Is Being Lazy And Entitled

Mommas, raising teens and tweens is some of the most trying work you will ever endure. Attempting to figure out how to mother a moving target of emotions, behaviors, and attitudes is a lot much. At least when your kids are young, the moving target still wants to sit in your lap, hold your hand, and talk to you.

But, if you’ve got teens, they’re now beyond those days and are transitioning into the mode of:

• Seriousness
• One-word answers
• Eye-rolling
• Huff-n-puff
• I don’t want to talk to you
• This game night is dumb
• Don’t hug me in public
• I want to be by myself
• I’d rather play video games
• You don’t know anything
• You’ll never get it

Or, in other words, all things ‘leave me alone,’ ‘you are so annoying’ and ‘whatever’.

I totally feel your pain. The struggle is beyond real.

But, as someone who is now on the other side of feeling like I could do nothing right when my three kids were teens—which was often pointed out to me in dramatic detail, I want to give you some words of encouragement and hope. There is light and laughter and love at the end of this lonely tunnel you feel trapped in at the moment.

The child who giggled non-stop, rolled around on the floor, hung on your leg, begged you to read one more book, played with you until dusk, and lit up an entire room with a smile simply because you entered their field of vision still exists. The lighthearted joy bomb who wanted your never-ending attention and chatted both your ears off is still very much inside their more grown-up body.

The child who had no idea embarrassment was an emotion or any concept that ‘being cool’ was a thing is just taking a pause. They simply need to find their place in the world. Right now they are learning to deal with big emotions, social complexities and how to maneuver through internal changes and external pressures. Once they’ve found their own true north, they will find their way back to you.  

Your kid will pass into the next stage of young adulthood and learn to play again as if no one is watching. They’ll appreciate your existence, look forward to spending time with you, and once again value your input.

I can say all this based on experience, one of which melted my mom heart recently. My 22-year-old baby asked me to go to the park with her a couple weeks ago to film a music video for a song she wrote. The once silent teen who spent hours in her room and snapped at my questions is now an adult who wanted me to be with her, actually asked for my help, and didn’t have a care in the world as she lightheartedly focused on her craft.

At one point, she was filming herself pretending to play hide-and-seek around some trees. The goal was to come across like she was having a blast playing a game with someone she loves. Before running around the tree, she “got into character” by flailing her arms around to make herself laugh. It was hysterical and watching her crack herself up was priceless. I pressed every detail of the moment deep into my mom heart.

These moments, when your adult kid shows flashes of yesteryear will unlock the memory bank in your soul, allowing a flood of ‘I remember when’s’ to pour out of you so that joy can fill you up from head to toe. In fact, these gifts are so impactful you’ll forget you ever went through the seasons of sulkiness, sass, and silence.

Trust me. The time will come.

In the meantime, love yourself with abandon. You are doing your best and so is your teen. Eventually, all the turmoil inside both of you will settle and make way for a season that will take your breath away.

xo

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts. 

Parenting teens and tweens is HARD. Make it a little easier with these popular posts other parents found helpful:

This is Sixteen; When Everything Changes

How To Meet Our Teens; Need To Love and Be Loved Just As They Are

5 Simple Things You Need To Keep Doing When Kids Are Teens

 “Geeeeez, MOM. What is YOUR problem?”

This was my teen’s response when I thought that I very kindly asked her if she would please stop playing the guitar for just 15 minutes while I finished some paperwork that needed my full attention.

In an attempt to keep the situation from escalating further, I apologized if I was being unreasonable, but assured her that she could resume playing as soon as I was done.

“Welllllllllllllllll, okaaaay then, Mom,” she sarcastically shot back.

I don’t remember whether the screeching sound of her eyeballs rolling inside her head was louder than the roll of my own.

What is it with teenagers? I actually had three of them in my household at the same time, and I was in constant flux trying to keep up with their erratic emotional swings and over the top attitude. I often felt like I couldn’t do anything right, in their eyes or mine. Sigh……..

It’s hard being a mom in today’s world. We feel like we’re constantly under a microscope and like we rarely are doing anything right. All that scrutiny can make us pretty insecure. Then add in the snark and back talk of teens, and trying not to take it all personally was a challenge.

Like many moms, I decided early on that I was going to do everything I could to be the best mom. A mom who was patient, kind, understanding, open-minded, and emotionally available. And for or the most part, I was all of these things, except when my teens were reminding me I wasn’t.

It wasn’t until I read the book, The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz that I began to realize the extent of the psychological harm I was doing to myself by taking all the things my teens said to me so personally. And not only was it harming me, but it was having a negative ripple effect on my whole family.

One of the four agreements in the book says we must master not taking things personally to have a more joy-filled and peaceful life. I knew I had to get a grip on my tendency to let my teens’ bad attitudes hurt my heart (and my mama self-esteem). Once I did, it caused a major shift in how I parented going forward. Recognizing my kids rude and obnoxious (buy typically teen) behaviors had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them became an IV drip for my soul and my sanity.

The first step for me was realizing that I was not alone in these feelings. It can be easy to look around or scroll social media and think we’re the only one with teens who can be mean and ugly. It’s easy to think their behavior is a reflection on us, instead of realizing this is just how teens operate to some extent.

Lots of moms struggle with taking the things their kids say and do way too personally. Think about how often we swallow the behaviors, words, and reactions of our kids as personal pills of reward or rejection. Every time we pull this particular bottle from the medicine cabinet of motherhood looking for affirmation, we risk compromising our self-esteem and self-worth.

If you’re anything like me, here’s the pattern: when they make good choices, treat us well, follow the rules, or even do well in school we take the positive experiences as personal confirmation that we are doing things right. An A+ on our mom report card.

But, when our kids act out or disrespect us, we often perceive the negative behavior as a reflection on our ability to teach them right from wrong. This unleashes all kinds of harsh feelings like shame, anger, despair, embarrassment—all of which become a cascade of big fat F’s on that same mom report card.

The problem with climbing on this emotional see saw is that it becomes exhausting work riding the constant up and down of our adolescents’ moods. And it impacts our ability to parent effectively. This is a tough stage in life, and our teens are acting out in an attempt to exert their own independence. It’s what they should be doing (within reason), and it makes sense they don’t always appreciate it when we pump the brakes as they want to speed up into adulthood. There is just going to be a natural push and pull between us and them right now.

But if we constantly take their anger, frustration, and attitude personally and allow that to become an indicator of whether we’re doing a good job or not, then we’re going to become ineffective parents. We’ll be ruled by their whims and their warped perception of the world.

Yes, warped. Their underdeveloped brains give them a fairly narrow and short-term view of things. Plus, let’s talk about all those out of control hormones. So right now, our teen’s behaviors are much more a reflection of who they are: insecure babes trying to find their place in this big, uncertain world.

This is what we need to remind ourselves when we find their words slicing into our psyche, creating doubt and fear and insecurity. Instead, when we choose to just let them roll off us like waves, the ripple effect can be far-reaching.

When we don’t react to all their drama and let them turn our insides upside down, we become a more steady force. We don’t feed their negativity. And without fuel, their fires of indignation and outrage often fizzle out. We also serve as an example that just because those around us are acting out, doesn’t mean we have to be influenced by them.

Lastly, our teens spend a large part of their days in chaotic, pressure-filled situations. When we let them bring that home to us, then the one safe place they need to be able to count on for understanding, acceptance, and calm is lost. It is up to us to preserve that for them.

THIS was the secret with The Four Agreements, and it was why it became such a game-changer for my family. I wish I could say I’ve mastered it, but I’ll continue to practice. With three teens, I get plenty of opportunities.

There are also three other agreements; Be impeccable with your word
Don’t make assumptions, and Do your best. We’ll cover those another time. But by applying one or sometimes all four, I’ve been able to dig myself out of many of the parenting holes I find myself down. I highly recommend this book for all people, but especially mommas of teens.

This season gives our soul a chance to stretch and our heart the opportunity to deepen with love as we nurture our teens from innocence to independence.

If we’re lucky, we transform right along with them and all of us end up better humans as a result.

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts.  

This is What To Say And Do When Your Teen Is In A Funk

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I recently had a conversation with my 23 yr. old son. He’s been back home for the past year since graduation working on some personal projects and searching for a job. As we discussed his high school journey and all the prep work expected of him for college, I asked him if the pressure to fill his “resume” as a teenager helped or hindered him.

“I felt like it was all about performance and not so much about who I was as a person. I spent a lot of time worrying about how I was “perceived” based on end results; like I often had to do more to keep up or fit the mold for success.”

His response shook me, although a part of me wasn’t surprised at all.

This has become the norm for our kids, hasn’t it? 

Teenagers are loaded down with overwhelming expectations. Not only to strive for perfection in academics, but also to serve, lead, participate, and be involved in a million activities before they turn 18 if they want a reasonable chance to get into a decent college.

When are teens allowed to be the kids they still are who just experience life as it comes rather than a life that is force-fed, scripted, and decided for them?

How are teens supposed to form an identity, grow in confidence, and believe they are worthy and enough, as is?

All the pressure to perform and race through the natural maturation process into adulthood robs our teens of the one universal longing of all humankind: to love and be loved—just as we are, not as who others think, hope, or wish we would be.

In her book, The Awakened Family: A Revolution in Parenting, Dr. Shefali Tsabary says this, “Every child wants to know three things: Am I seen? Am I worthy? Do I matter? When kids feel seen, believe they are worthy, and discern they matter for who they are as a person not just their accomplishments, their natural love of themselves manifests in a love of life.”

Gah. This quote. Don’t all of us as moms want this for our kids? Don’t all of us need these things for ourselves?

Love is what makes the world go ‘round. Love is what we’re made of and why we’re here. But for teens to live life from this healthy space, they need to find their way into their authentic self—the true version brimming with gifts and talents just waiting to bloom when the moment is right. The journey to finding out who they are takes time and gobs of experience. Rushing them through the process sets our teens up for unnecessary struggle.

So, how can we counteract the current culture and recipe for “success” when it comes to our teens walk into adulthood? How can we ensure we do enough to meet our teenager’s longing to love and be loved just as they are?

After years of trial and error with my kids and a decade of involvement in teen ministry, these are the five insights that I think truly made a difference for my teens and the ones I ministered to:

Be In the Now

Because the teenage brain functions in the now, it is imperative to express our gratitude, love, and admiration for the things they are getting right today—even if it has to be alongside our concerns or exasperation about all the things they did wrong. The frontal lobe of a human brain, that thing capable of discerning, “If I do this, then that will happen,” isn’t fully developed until well into our twenties. This means our teens will screw-up. On repeat. Just like we did. Multiple times over. Teens get an overload of negative feedback from the world around them, so our affirmations and positivity go a forever way even if they don’t acknowledge our encouragement.

Meet Them Where They Are

We need to meet our teen right where they’re at, not where we hope they will be or wish they were already. Who they are at any given moment is probably the best they can be…just like us. They are on a journey too, and goodness knows that for me as a mom, I always tried my best and some days my best stunk to the third heaven. If our teens feel their worthiness is linked to achievement or performance, when they fail, their self-esteem takes a hit every time…just like us.

They Are Their Own People

Teenagers desire to be known and acknowledged for who they are, what they stand for, and what they believe whether we agree or not. Although their journey of self-awareness is still ongoing, accepting them at each step along the way breeds hope. We have to remember we were trying to find our way back then as well when the world was far less complicated. And most of us are still trying to figure ourselves out.

Don’t Be A Hypocrite

Becoming wise to the nuances of the current teen streetscape helped me recognize my parent pride and ignorance. My husband and I chose to build a bridge between our personal teen experience and our kids’ harrowing reality. Because teens can sniff out a hypocrite a magnificent mile away, we were transparent about our mistakes, poor choices, and misguided pursuits. Walking across the plank toward independence “together” built trust between us.

Be A Role Model

The best way to teach our teens how to love and be loved is to model it, both in and out of our family dynamic—especially to those who are different from us. But maybe even more important is showing them the importance of loving ourselves. We set the bar on self-love.

At the end of the day, the more we can do to let our teens know they are seen, they are worthy, and they matter, the easier it will be for them to believe they are capable of giving and receiving love. This sense of inherent value sets them up for success far more significant than a test score, a loaded resume, or a childhood full of relentless programmed activity.

Teens who enter adulthood with a healthy sense of self, full of confidence, and the freedom to pursue the unique calling inside them may have the highest chance of making the world a better place for all of us—a world in dire need of more love and compassion.

In my eyes, teens are a special breed who, ironically, might do more to help meet our longing as adults to love and be loved if given the space to unfold at their own pace and become who they were destined to be. My teenagers for sure made me a better human. The footprint I leave on the world will include, in large part, the influence of my beautiful kids in their most challenging years.

What a gift.

This was a contributed post from Shelby Spear. Shelby is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts.  

Parenting teens and tweens can be so hard, but there is more here to help you:

Dear Daughter Let Me Help Make Sure Life Doesn’t Wear You Down

This Is What To Say And Do When Your Teen Is In A Funk

In today’s 24/7 tech world, our kids no longer have any safe places.

Public has become the new private for teens, and we should all be worried about what that means.  

When we think about all the challenges our teens face even without the tech, it pales in comparison to what any of us experienced growing up. Their out of control schedules combined with all the academic pressure is already enough to raise serious concerns about the well-being of our sons and daughters, but tech is taking things to a whole new level.

Our kids are not okay.

A troubling new study was just released with findings that show ER visits for suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts have doubled among young people in the last ten years. And you guessed it, social media and cyberbullying are both considered potential causes.

It’s a struggle to comprehend how our kids maneuver the landmines of living in a projector screen society when already weighed down by insecurities, body changes, and conflicting self-awareness. And the reality is, most of them aren’t navigating it well at all. Our role in helping them is vital.

Having raised three teens in the middle of all of this, I have no doubt that living in a culture crazed with non-stop communication is one of the biggest threats to raising healthy, well-adjusted kids. Trying to cultivate self-worth, self-love, and self-awareness inside a noisy, predominantly digital, and often unauthentic world filled with texting, snapping, posting, and tweeting about everybody’s business is almost impossible. Not to mention the unforgiving harshness of the comparison game being played out on social media.

Most of us grew up not knowing what was going on with our friends or the world except through face to face communication, in-class note passing, or talking over an antique gadget connected to a wall. Can you imagine a cord long enough for us to drag our earpiece to the mall, ballfield, or park?

Teen drama, for the most part, was contained to the school day. Once we left the hallways of our high school to head home, we could escape from it all, at least temporarily. 

Our teens don’t get that refuge anymore.

Instead, they are constantly connected. Their phones have become a fixture in their palms from dawn to dusk; some kids even sleep with them. Online gaming is a realm of its own, keeping teens in the space of virtual reality rather than experiencing everyday life.

For all of these reasons and more, our role as parents in providing them a safe space to just “be” has become more important than ever. We need to be their safe space, and we must set more boundaries and create more opportunities for our kids to be unplugged.

One way to do this is by setting ground rules for cell phones and other technology when our kids have friends over. As soon as their peers walk in the door, the phone must be dropped in a box or basket for the duration of the visit. No exceptions. The result is carefree timelessness for kids to be kids and connect in the present moment. Something they sorely need.

A rule we still have in our home when our adult kids visit is no phones at the dinner table. Instead we talk about all kinds of things. And it doesn’t always have to be, “How was your day?” type stuff either. Teens have plenty to talk about, the key is meeting them where they’re at. This list of 100 questions to ask your teen is a great place to start.

Teens also need us to demonstrate the value of healthy communication: face-to-face, vulnerable sharing coupled with compassionate listening. The more they experience honest, human interaction, the easier it will be to see through the smoke and mirrors of social media.

Too many of our teens are buying into the illusion of meaningful connection via technology. The constant contact waters down authentic relationship and is a breeding ground for hurtful and viral rhetoric that can destroy an adolescent’s sense of identity and purpose. Seeing tweens and teens navigate through these dark and rising waters and the way it so often pulls them under, breaks my heart over and over.

They need more lifelines.

Since our teens won’t always want to open up to us, it’s crucial for them to have other trusted adults and role models in their world. The more people who can be there for our kids as a sounding board the better. The truth is, I’ve been doing this mom gig for 25 years, and I still don’t know what the heck I’m doing. If any other adult is willing to engage with my kids, I’m grateful and all for it. It takes a village is no lie.

Honestly, it’s not just our kids who need more time to just ‘be.’ To breathe and take in the now. Most parents are struggling with this themselves, but making an effort to model this for our kids may be the greatest gift we can give them.

None of us are immune to the distractions of this present day and age.

It takes a great deal of mindfulness and intent for us to carve out quality time to interact with and enjoy the people we love. It takes a concerted effort to engage in meaningful conversation.

A dear friend of mine decided to meet this challenge by implementing something called, “Phones off! Family on!” She and her husband have two teenage girls at home, and during this time of no phones, they do things as a family like cooking together, playing board games, going on a bike ride, even watching a movie—but with no phones!

No, there are very few safe spaces for our kids anymore, unless we step in and make them. Setting boundaries, carving out time for meaningful connection, and spending more unplugged time as a family are a few of the ways we can help our teens become healthy adults in today’s tech-driven world.

Everyone needs downtime to thrive. The more we help our teens disconnect from the cyber world and find joy in real-time relationships, the more we help ourselves as well.

This was a contributed post from Sheby Spear. She is a sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, pro-LOVE Jesus adoring mom of 3 Millennials writing stuff & doing life w/ hubs of 25 yrs. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don’t need to say, “I’m fine.”) You can read her open heart about the revelations, screw-ups, gaffes, and joys of motherhood on her blog shelbyspear.com, around the web, and in print at Guideposts.  

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