Five Critical Tips to Defuse an Emotional Teen

This is a contributed piece by Parenting Teens & Tweens co-owner Whitney Fleming, author of You’re Not a Failure: My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either.

Sometimes, it happens like clockwork. Your teen walks through the door after a long day at school, and you say something like, “Hey! How was your day?” Your teen may slam their books down and shout, “I don’t want to talk about it!”

Or, sometimes, you’re going about your day, and you may ask your son or daughter something like, “Do you think you can bring these clothes upstairs?” Your teen may get upset and huff as they grab their laundry and storm up the stairs or perhaps even say something like, “I’m the only one that has to do my chores around here!”

Or, it could be a litany of other responses. My daughter used to cry out of nowhere while doing her homework or when I said no to a request. It felt like a defense mechanism. My friend’s son often became irate when he came home from football practice and was expected to finish his chores. My neighbor struggled with her teen every time they tried to discuss an issue, and it often became volatile.

What is up with those big teen emotions?

As adults (hopefully), we know how to identify and control our emotions. When we are angry, we know (or try) to walk away and calm down. When we feel sadness, we know it’s often temporary. When we are hungry, we eat.

It seems so simple to us as parents, but we do not realize that we went through a lot of growth to get to this point. Our brains needed to develop so we could acquire some emotional regulation, impulse control, and communication skills. We gained perspective because of life experience. We perhaps learned to set personal boundaries, take care of ourselves, and recognize when our feelings were out of control.

But even as adults, we are susceptible to overreacting, flying off the handle, or acting irrationally. Sometimes, we need to apologize to our partner for lashing out because of stress or take a few deep breaths before talking to our boss about a rude email.

It is very common for humans to express our hurt in inappropriate ways. For adolescents, it can be even more powerful and excessive.

Why are teens so emotional?

There is a laundry list of things that impact teen emotions. They include:

• brain development
• academic stress
• family dynamic
• puberty/hormones
• peer relationships/social issues
• mental health challenges
• desire for independence
• physical changes/developments
• sexual identity/discovery

With all these at play, often simultaneously, it’s not surprising that teen emotions can sometimes boil over to their parents.

Most often, however, teens do not understand what they are feeling, so it comes out in a different form. For example, after a long day at school where a teen felt like an outcast, was reprimanded by a teacher, and was insecure around a girl, a simple request from a parent can feel like criticism. With all these feelings welling up inside them, they may lash out at their parents or family members in anger. They may say they are not being treated fairly or that a parent is being overbearing. When they get admonished for their response, they might explode in rage.

When you see it written out, you can understand why the teen might respond with aggression (not that it’s appropriate, but you get it). Unfortunately, a parent often has no idea what happened to their teen during the day, so when they get a teenage tornado, they feel like it is directed at them when, in fact, it’s the result of pressure that’s been building all day.

It boils down to this: when teens become emotionally overwhelmed, overstimulated, or confused, they reduce their ability to act logically or rationally.

You might also like to read: Protect Your Relationship with Your Teen — Don’t Make These Mistakes

5 Ways to Effectively Respond to an Emotional Teen

Unfortunately, many of us parents did not see healthy conflict resolution or emotional regulation growing up. Maybe you lived in a house of yellers or where passive-aggressive comments were the norm. You may have dealt with threats or fear of your parent cutting you out. It’s possible you were never taught skills to problem-solve and you saw people use alcohol, drugs, or other dangerous behaviors as coping mechanisms. Or, you had to navigate authoritarian parents who tried to control your actions and feelings.

Let me just say this: It’s tough to model something you’ve never seen.

If you are facing an emotionally-charged teen who lashes out or perhaps is acting irrationally, here are some things you can do to diffuse the situation.

1. Talk slow, talk soft, talk scant.

A high school teacher and a mom who raised four teens once told me, “When it comes to an upset teenager, sometimes it is more about how you say it than what you’re saying.”

When I’m in the throes of it with one of my kids, I have to majorly check my own reaction time. I can easily go from 0 to 60 in two seconds if I’m anxious or stressed myself, so when I sense my teens are in a mood, I do these three things:

• Talk slow: Don’t be obnoxious about it, but slow your words down. Think about what you are saying and pause between statements. This slows the conversation down and gives them a chance to compose themselves. When you’re rushing to respond, the emotions can keep flying out.
• Talk soft: When my kids were younger, our house was just naturally loud. With three kids close in age, at least one animal, and a stream of other teens and neighbors going in and out, there was always a lot of commotion. We often ended up shouting at each other over noise and didn’t realize the impact it had on our emotional state. The louder your teen gets, the softer you should become. Remember, it’s not about endorsing your kids behavior, but modeling what they should be doing.
• Talk scant: OK, I’m going to be honest. I’m a space filler. I need to put words in dead air. It’s an awful habit when you’re raising teens. But trust me when I say this, when dealing with an emotional teen, less is more. It’s not the time to repeat yourself or try to give a life lesson. Keep your words brief and to the point.

2. Have phrases at the ready.

Something I had to come to terms with was I am not always good in the moment. I know what I need to do, but my execution is off. That’s where preparation is key.

If your teen’s anger is out of control and they are lashing out, here are a few things you can say and do to diffuse the situation:

• “That sounds rough. Let me know if you want to talk about it. I’ll be in my room.”
• “I see that you are upset and understandably so. Take a minute to gather your thoughts and if you want to talk, I’m here.”
• “I want to know more about what happened and how you are feeling, but I don’t think you are ready to talk about it yet. When you are ready, I’m here.”
• “I need you to stop. I am always here for you but not as your punching bag. I’m going to walk away now, and when you’re ready I’ll be in the kitchen.”
• “This is not how we talk to each other. I see you are upset about something and I’d like to help, but not like this.”

When your teen is being obnoxious, mean, or ill-mannered, or perhaps even threatening, it can be challenging not to blur the lines between the behavior and the person. You may start thinking they changed at their core or became someone different. It’s important to keep in mind though that the behavior is usually telling you about a problem or need that is not being met, kind of like a symptom of an illness. A fever is a sign of an infection just like your teen’s disrespect can be a sign of something wrong in their life.

Also, they might be acting out to get your attention. Do a gut check and ask yourself if you are available to your teen. Do you put your phone down when they enter a room? Do you check in with them each night? Do you try to have meals together or listen to what interests them? Teens know when we’re not paying attention or just pacifying them. Make sure they know that you are a trusted source for them no matter what.

It is important to remember that your teen may never thank you for doing these things, and they may keep pushing for a fight. But this is where you have to remember that your teen is acting developmentally normal, and you need to act as the grown up. If you need to walk into a room and shut the door on them until they calm down, so be it. Knowing when to engage and when to walk away is an important life skill.

3. Be the calm you want to see (which means working on your responses).

I get it. It’s hard, oh so hard, to stay calm when you are in the midst of teenage tomfoolery. When there are six-foot-tall people who are slobs, eat all your food, and then expect you to give them $20 for Starbucks after calling you “Bruh,” finding your Zen in the middle of a battle can be a challenge.

But remaining calm is a superpower, and showing your teen how you can keep your cool during conflict, how you can communicate respectfully, how you can cope in difficult situations, well, that is an incredible gift. It also will help them disarm other people they encounter who speak aggressively or disrespectfully.

Keeping calm also puts us in charge of the rules of engagement and balances the power game. It may infuriate them at first when you don’t engage, but eventually they will learn that they only get what they want by speaking to you in a calm and respectful manner.

There are two parts to putting yourself in a position to do this:

• First, you need to be willing to give them the space and time to cool down. That’s when you use one of the above phrases. At first, my teens found this INFURIATING, but eventually, it led to more productive and thoughtful conversations. And yes, one time when I was mad at my daughter she pulled one of those phrases on me, and it did give me a moment to reflect and calm down.
• Second, if you are someone in a constant state of anxiety, anger, or stress, you have to address it. This is not your kid’s problem; it is your problem that you are taking out on others. Read that part again.

Your responses are your responsibility. If you can’t control your own anger issues, then you need to go back and figure out why. It may involve executing daily coping strategies, such as mindfulness exercises or walking, seeking therapy, or even medication—but if we don’t take ownership of how we behave, we can’t expect our teens to do the same.

Remember the end goal is how to move the confrontation into a conversation.

4. K.I.S.S.—Keep It Simple and Sweet.

I grew up in a house where there were only three methods of communication: arguing, passive-aggressive comments, or cutting someone out by not talking to them. I did not like any of these mechanisms, so I learned to become a people pleaser and then over-communicate. I believed—with all my heart—that if someone could just listen to me and understand where I was coming from, I could solve anything.

My teens did not see it this way.

Sometimes when my teen lashed out about something, I often turned it into a “teachable moment.” I lectured. I would go over the same argument over and over. I had a hard time walking away and letting something go.

It was a disaster. I had to learn a different way.

I get it, their smug attitudes can be infuriating, or the fact that they do or don’t do the same things repeatedly can make your head spin; but I promise you, putting your voice on loop is not the way to get through to them—especially when they are emotional. No teen has ever walked away from a parental lecture and suddenly experienced an epiphany about staying calm. We are not going to talk them into being less self-centered or more responsible.

At the end of the day, it isn’t about proving that we are right and they are wrong. It’s about asking them the questions that will help them find the answers and solve the problems themselves.

That’s why you need to keep it simple and sweet. That means more questions and less advice. It means shorter conversations in comfortable places—like the car or when it’s just the two of you at breakfast. It means we stop trying to fix their problems and instead use phrases like, “Well, what do you think you should do next?”

Keep in mind that a lecture is one-sided. What your teen needs is open communication and connection. They want to feel they have some control. They want to build confidence so they know they can go out into the world, knowing we’ve got their back.

Ask your teens what is really going on with them. Get them to see the root of their anger and frustration and identify the real enemy. It’s usually not you. Then, don’t tell them how to fix it or worse yet, try to fix it for them. Instead, be a sounding board and offer your help and support but let them determine what that looks like.

A “lecture” is always going to pit us against them, even if we think it is for their own good. But what they really want is for us to empower them to fight their battles on their own, knowing we’ve got their back.

5. Know when a storm is brewing (when you can).

Watch for cues. When I could see tension building, I often tried to address it before any angry outbursts occurred. When I knew one of my kids was stressed, I would remind them that I was here to help, but not to be a punching bag (and then I would pitch in a little extra to help them, such as run an errand or make a special meal.) I tried to get them to understand hormonal symptoms and manage them appropriately and talk to them about my own. I would ask if they were hungry or not feeling well to make sure their physical symptoms weren’t causing them to be off. I often wrote out boundaries and expectations when things were calm so there was no miscommunication when things went off the rails.

This is all a lot of work, but I promise you it’s worth it.

Looking for another resource for strengthening the connection with your teen?

Check out You’re Not a Failure: My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either by Whitney Fleming. With this book, you can flip the narrative about raising teenagers by taking control of your emotions and responses to create a loving, supportive relationship.

Parenting teens and tweens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. These posts can help:

I Felt Like a Failure When My Daughter Struggled With Depression

6 Tips That Will Help You Deal With Teenage Disrespect

The First Time Your Tween Pushes You Away is the Ultimate Heartbreak

Healing from Toxic Parenting and Breaking the Cycle

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