This is a contributed post by PTT co-owner Whitney Fleming. Her new book, You’re not a Failure: My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either will be available this Fall.
My whole life, I thought there was something wrong with me.
Why were certain relationships hard for me to maintain? Why did I always feel so nervous about what people thought about me? Why was it so hard for me to have tough conversations, even with those closest to me?
I constantly felt like I put my foot in my mouth. I often wondered if I had done something or said something wrong, and I feared that people were cutting me out.
I responded to these feelings by over-doing it. I would overcommunicate. Overreact. Feel oversensitive.
Even in the heat of midlife, when I should feel comfortable in my own skin, I still struggled. I wanted to feel fabulous, but instead I felt anxious, nervous, and unsure.
A Look Back into Who I Am
One day a few years ago, a friend shared a story about her childhood with me when we met for coffee. She was one of the most confident people I knew despite experiencing tremendous volatility during her formative years. I said, “It is amazing how well-adjusted you are despite what you’ve overcome in life. I’m a hot mess and came from a stable home!”
“Ha!” she laughed. “It’s taken 20 years of therapy to get here. Tell me about your childhood.”
So, I shared about how my mom and dad were married young and created a successful life together despite coming from humble beginnings. I shared how my mom was the heart of the family and how my dad was incredibly fun-loving. I talked about how my mom did big Christmases and how my dad died from lung cancer.
She kept asking me questions, and I kept answering. I shared how I had a healthy fear of my mom and that I was scared of her temper sometimes. I talked about how my dad’s health was impacted by smoking and his past drinking. I talked about relatives who were cut out because of arguments or how we never spoke about certain topics. I talked about the yelling that sometimes happened at family gatherings or how someone always struggled with alcohol or how obedience was expected no matter what.
Related: How To Stop Arguing With Your Teen: 10 Tips For Parents
Learning to Resolve Conflicts
“So, you probably never saw how to resolve conflicts? How did you cope?” she asked.
That questioned stunned me. I never thought that I had to learn how to cope in my childhood. “Hmmm, I never thought about that. Maybe that’s why I became a people pleaser—because it was my way of keeping the peace.”
That’s when it hit me. I didn’t think I had any right to complain about my childhood. It was safe and loving. But, I also never saw healthy communication, conflict resolution, or coping mechanisms. When you don’t see those things, it’s tough to model them for your own kids.
And so the circle goes. It makes sense now why I really struggled with the relationship with my kids during the early teen years, when they started pushing back and the conversations became more challenging.
Working on Myself So I Can Be the Best Mother Possible
I don’t blame my parents for not providing me with these tools. They did the very best they could, considering both came from broken and somewhat abusive environments. I’m so thankful for them.
But, it took someone much smarter than I am to point out what I was missing in my life, and how I needed to start showing these things to my kids.
So, I’ve been working on my conflict management skills. I’ve been learning how to approach people in a healthier and more productive way.
I’ve focused on how I communicate with the important people in my life. I’ve learned that I can only control my side and hope they always know I’m coming from a place of love.
And I’m building my coping skills, which is something I wish we’d focus more on in our schools. Sometimes it means healthy eating and exercise, and sometimes it means more sleep and downtime, but after a lifetime of watching destructive behaviors that end either in illness or isolation, I’m learning what true self-care looks like.
Sometimes, we convince ourselves that the problem is innate within ourselves. We carry a burden that we never truly put down or mitigate.
Related: Healing from Toxic Parenting and Breaking the Cycle
Our Past Doesn’t Have to Define Our Future
But the truth is that we often need to reexamine our past in order to move forward. That doesn’t mean we blame or live with regret, but it does mean we assess and work through our past so that we can learn how to do this complicated life better.
If you’re still feeling all complicated on the inside, sometimes we need to flip back to an earlier chapter in our stories. While we convince ourselves that it happened one way, sometimes looking at it again can show that you may need to alter your view so you can write a different ending.
I’m always seeking more peace in my life, and sometimes, that means dealing with the messy parts of my past.
This is how I love myself through the hard, and I can learn to love the people in my life even harder.
xoxo,
Whitney
For more relatable content about these challenging years of parenting teens, check out Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love: Essays on Raising Teens in Today’s Complex, Chaotic World by Whitney Fleming. This book covers the challenging parts of parenting adolescents, such as managing big emotions, navigating school and social issues, and learning to let go, but also the beautiful things simultaneously occurring, like watching them find their passions, take charge of their newfound independence, and move on to the next chapter.
Parenting teens and tweens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:
This Is Why Teen Girls Are So Mean to Their Mothers
The Best Netflix Shows for Tweens and Teens Families Can Enjoy Together
10 Commons Battles that Will Destroy the Relationship with Your Teen
20 Ways to Show Your Teen Love When They Don’t Want a Hug
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