Recently, we had a reader message us with this question: “My 16-year-old daughter wears pajama pants and a cami/cropped sports top to school every single day. I HATE IT! I know there are many girls at the high school who dress the same, but it doesn’t make it any easier for me. I just want her to look presentable. When I mention it, she just rolls her eyes or huffs off. What should I do?”
Related: How to Protect Your Teen’s Self-Esteem When Life Pushes Them Down
How to handle it when you don’t like your teen’s clothing?
Sometimes, we parent our kids a certain way just because it is how we were raised. If your parents monitored and commented on what you wore as a teenager, you may do the same—especially if you think your daughter is misrepresenting herself or succumbing to peer pressure.
Parents need to be very cautious and intentional when discussing their daughters’ clothing choices because it could negatively impact their self-esteem and their long-term relationships.
Start with looking at the bigger picture.
Clothing is a tough, personal, and sensitive topic that often involves a power struggle between parents and their teens. Many adolescents see how they dress as an opportunity to express themselves, and many parents view their teens’ clothing choices as a reflection of themselves.
I asked the mom this simple question, which always helps me decide if I want to fight a certain battle with one of my kids: “When you take a holistic look at your daughter, how do you think she is managing her life?”
To break it down further, is she happy and confident? Does she surround herself with good people? Does she go to school and do the best she can? Does she follow your rules and boundaries? Is she generally kind and considerate? Can she be responsible for herself?
If the answer to that question is yes, then you have to ask yourself if the way she dresses is a problem for her or is it a problem for you.
However, if the young girl spends a lot of time in her room and isolates herself, if she isn’t taking care of basic needs, such as hygiene or eating regularly, or if she is lashing out at others, then maybe her dress is a symptom of a more significant problem or mental health issue.
Avoid associating her clothing with who she is as a person.
Parents should be careful not to personify their daughter’s wardrobe by stating that their clothing makes them look lazy, trashy, sloppy, slutty, etc. We have to avoid these types of labels, which can have a shaming effect and cause hurt feelings and trauma, and negatively impact their self-esteem. At the end of the day, we don’t want to be the impetus for our daughters criticizing their bodies. We also don’t want to tell our teens they are a bad person because of what they choose to wear.
It’s important to remember that many young girls view their clothing choices as one of the few ways they have control over their lives. Parents can help by avoiding the use of judgemental or shaming terms to describe their daughters’ clothing.
Don’t get specific.
Your teen daughter most likely already spends an insane amount of time fixated on her flaws. Social media, television, and magazines push unrealistic body images to our girls 24/7. Even if our comments are well-intended, they can have drastic effects.
This means don’t tell your daughter they have the wrong body type or are the wrong size to wear certain styles. It’s important to keep in mind that what we think is appropriate is based on our norms, not on what this particular generation finds appropriate.
If you must make a comment, consider something like, “It’s not my favorite, but I think you look beautiful in anything,” or, “I might like you in something else, but you should wear what you feel comfortable in.” It’s important you read the room. If your daughter comes down the stairs with a smile on her face and you tell her all the reasons why she doesn’t look good–it will have an impact and probably more than you think.
If you are concerned that the dress may not be the right type for the occasion–such as going to a job interview or a formal dinner–try to stay curious instead of furious. So, instead of saying, “You can’t walk out the door like that because you’ll embarrass yourself,” say something like, “Why did you pick that dress?” or “Does that outfit make you feel a certain way?”
You may find that they simply like a piece of clothing because of the color or that a certain style gives them confidence.
When clothing boundaries are necessary
Choosing what to wear is an important part of adolescent development and part of how teens create their identity, It also empowers young girls to take control of their bodily autonomy.
However, according to one therapist: : “If the clothing puts the teen at risk of harassment, punishment, or other dangers, parental intervention may be necessary,” However, rules need to be reasonable and discussed. For example, you may enforce a certain standard for school and church but let them decide for themselves the remainder of the time.
Related: I Said Yes to My Tween’s Blue Hair Because Picking Your Battles is Important
Is the clothing battle worth it?
After asking this mom what her daughter was like in other areas of her life, you could tell how proud she was. The young girl is a great student, has a nice group of friends, goes to the gym, and maintains a part-time job.
“I guess it is more of my issue than hers. In fact, I guess I’m pretty lucky.” She said she would try and let it go to preserve the relationship with her teen daughter.
At the end of the day, we have to remember that teenagers are always trying stuff on to see what fits, whether it’s clothing, friendships, activities, or even personalities. She will likely change her wardrobe choices a few more times to see what suits her.
Looking for a book that will help you feel less alone during these challenging years of raising teens?
We recommend You’re Not a Failure: My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either by Whitney Fleming. With this book, you can flip the narrative about raising teenagers by taking control of your emotions and responses to create a loving, supportive relationship.
Parenting Teens and Tweens is hard, but these articles can help.
Dear Teen Daughter, Learn How To Love Yourself Instead Of Being Liked By Others
Let’s Stop Judging Young Girls Based on the Length of Their HoCo Dress
Five Reasons Why You Should Let Your Teen Struggle
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