Inside: Why do so many teen boys and young adult men feel disconnected from society, and what can parents do to prevent it?
From the moment I became a boy mom (twice over), I understood the importance of providing my sons with the care and love they needed to grow into compassionate and productive young men. I educated myself about the challenges facing adolescent boys and young men and the competition for their attention that has unfortunately been led by such unsavory influencers as Andrew Tate and dangerous rhetoric found on platforms like Reddit, 4Chan, X and Twitch.
With so much content out there either shaming them for what is healthy behavior and/or advising them on how to “fix it” in problematic and often harmful ways, boy parents like me feel overwhelmed and wonder if there is anything we can do to push back against the negativity and help our sons grow into good men.
What is the Lost Boys Epidemic?
The “lost boys” epidemic refers to the growing number of men who feel left behind by social and economic progress, and are marked as a generation of forgotten males who are struggling to find their footing in an evolving world. These teens and young adults often struggle fitting in at school, the workplace, or other common social situations and feel disconnected from family or community. They often face mental health challenges, economic problems, and identity crises and seek comfort and connection from online sources, such as social media, video games, or pornography.
While there is no way to put the social media genie back in the bottle and the sweeping societal and systemic changes needed to address many of the issues facing boys may not occur until most of our sons are grown themselves, parents can still do so much to help their teen sons thrive.
Related: How to Encourage Teen Boys to Be More In Touch with Their Emotions
Understand Boys Are Different Than Girls
If you have both sons and daughters, or enough experience around children of different genders, you already know boys and girls are not the same. Of course, this is not true for EVERY child, and we should be careful not to rely on gender stereotypes when raising our children. However, understanding that boys, especially teenage boys, have unique ways of learning, communicating and building relationships is important to remember.
Failure to recognize these differences can lead to devastating results. According to The Centers for Disease control, in 2023, males died by suicide four times more than females. While there is no one cause of suicide in men, many attribute this alarming rate to a lack of real effort to understand and support men, especially in their formative adolescent years. Men also die “deaths of despair” from suicide, drugs, or alcohol at nearly three times the rate of women (You may also like to read: How Parents Can Help Teens with Dangerous and Suicidal Thoughts)
Connect with Your Teen Son on His Terms
As a wife to a sports-loving man, for a long time I couldn’t understand how a group of guys could just sit side-by-side for hours watching a game yet still feel as if they were truly connecting with one another. I now know that this is because males prefer to bond “shoulder-to-shoulder.” Teenage boys are no different, which explains why so many enjoy collaborative activities like team sports or gaming. I often find I am able to communicate better with my son, even just by sitting with him while he games and having a casual conversation, as opposed to sitting him down for a face-to-face conversation.
Mark Gregston, host of the Parenting Today’s Teens podcast, takes the benefits of shoulder-to-shoulder communication even further by suggesting parents spend time with their sons engaged in an activity, such as simple home repair or back-to-school shopping that teaches them responsibility, rather than lecturing them.
Emphasize and Encourage the Importance of Involved Father Figures
Consistent research has shown that children of all genders benefit greatly from the consistent presence of fathers, or father figures, in their lives. According to the UK-based, Association of Child Psychotherapists, fathers play a unique role in parenting children, particularly in the teenage years, when they can guide adolescents in making positive choices and nurturing their independence.
Related: Dear Teen Son: Your Words Hurt But My Love is Stronger
Not all children have a father, or comparable male adult, living in their homes. Often this is because of divorce, and the ACP recommends separated couples work together to ensure both parents contribute to raising their children. Speaking on the Lost Boys podcast he hosts with Anthony Scaramucci, professor and entrepreneur Scott Galloway, shared how many of his male friends lost access to their children following divorce.
“They get divorced and quite frankly the kids want nothing to do with them. It’s like dad shows up he doesn’t live here; he’s not part of my ecosystem.”
Galloway said this can lead dads in these situations to “check out” and become less or even not involved in their kids’ lives.ACP encourages divorced or separated dads to seek support from others and to remember that even if their time and contact with their children is limited, they will always be an important figure to them.
Recognize the Influence of Toxic Male Figures
Speaking on The Lost Boys Podcast, author Richard Reeves, who wrote the best seller Of Boys and Men, said, “If they’re not getting answers in the classroom, from their fathers, from their scout groups, from their churches, from wherever, and they don’t have that conversation, those role models, of course, they’ll go and look online.”
Parents should encourage their sons to seek out positive male role models – and male parents should be encouraged to serve as role models both in home and in their community – however, that alone is not enough to shield them from the negative behaviors encouraged by popular influencers. Parents should be aware of how these social media creators define “real men” and stay aware of language and trends that promote violence, misogyny, and mistreatment of women and other groups of people. Parents should also strive to maintain an open dialogue with their teen sons about what they consume online and guide them in media literacy so they can learn to discern problematic content.
Advocate for More Male Teachers
Research shows that men make up just over 20 percent of the total teachers at the K-12 level. While this gender imbalance is most pronounced in elementary school, men still make up less than half of secondary or high school teachers. Writing in his Substack, Reeves advocates for removing the hurdles and stigmas that discourage men to pursue teaching careers. He believes programs like teacher residency, better pay, and incentives for leading extra-curricular activities would help attract more men to the educational field.
Some schools, like Smyrna High School, are taking the call for male teachers seriously. The school has a career pathway for inspiring educators, and among these students was the starting quarterback, who interned in a fourth-grade classroom. Many of the boys in the program never considered teaching and are now pursuing educational careers. While fathers and other male parental figures play a huge role in helping teen boys make good choices and guiding them towards becoming well-adjusted adults, male teachers, coaches and other men in child-centric, leadership positions.are critical in keeping adolescent boys on a positive track.
My son, entering eighth grade, still speaks fondly of his male fifth grade teacher. Aside from appreciating his teaching style, my son’s favorite memories with “Mr. K” include going outside as a class to play football. He has also been fortunate to have had a male band teacher, male sports coaches and even young adult male camp counselors all offering different perspectives and positive influence.
Any man can serve as a role model, for their son and for other young men. Advocacy group MensGroup says this can be anyone with something positive to offer other boys and/or men. They can be teachers and coaches, as well as volunteers. Many organizations, such as Big Brothers and Big Sisters, have a huge demand for male volunteers to serve as mentors for boys.
Talk About Porn
The question of whether teen boys are viewing pornographic material is not a question of if, but when. In fact, research from the University of New Hampshire found that 93 percent of male college students reported being exposed to online pornography during adolescence. The study further found that teen boys were more likely to see more extreme forms of pornography, including depictions of rape.
Though experts advise parents to try and delay their children’s exposure to porn as long as possible, they realize this is very challenging, given how easily it is to access. Instead, parents are encouraged to lead the conversation with their children. (Also read: 10 Important Things You Need to Teach Your Teens about Consent).
Alexandra Hamley, a former clinical psychologist in the Mood Disorders Center at the Child Mind Institute, explains that children are very unlikely to tell their parents that they watch porn. Therefore, parents need to be the ones to bring up the subject, ideally before they believe their child has seen porn.
“It doesn’t have to be a one-time monologue,” says Dr. Hamlet, “But something you bring up casually over time. Keep the conversations short so your child doesn’t become uncomfortable and shut it down.” These are great shoulder-to-shoulder conversations that can occur in the car, while watching a video, or while doing something active.
Model Healthy Relationships
Parents can reduce the negative impact of porn and other problematic influences on their teenaged sons by modeling healthy relationships. In an article for Psychology Today, Drs. Brian Johnson and Laurie Berdahl emphasize that teaching boys to respect women begins in the home. They note men who show they value their female partner and women in general are more likely to raise boys with positive views and actions towards women.
Even when parents decide they are no longer compatible, parents can still be an example of positive relationships by engaging in effective co-parenting. Children’s Wisconsin says children whose separated parents are constantly fighting and can’t effectively co-parent have a greater chance of developing emotional and behavioral issues.
Healthy friendships are also important to encourage young boys to continuously seek out “in-real-life” experiences and connection. Encourage and support your adolescent son in pursuing interest, clubs, and activities where they can meet other boys, and if they cannot find something, empower them to start something themselves.
Support Alternative Education and Career Paths
Citing declining number of men in the labor force and male academic performance, the Manpower Demonstration Research Corporation, a nonprofit organization, recently explored the benefits of Career and Technical Education for male students The organization highlighted research demonstrating boys who participate in CTE programs alongside general education have higher test scores, better attendance rates and are more likely to graduate from high school than their peers who are not enrolled in CTE classes. The MDRC also noted evidence suggests CTE participation can improve future earning potential.
While there are increasing options for boys beyond high school, more still needs to be done to implement and support career and technical education at the secondary school level. According to an article in Harvard Magazine: “Researchers and policymakers focused on gender equality have long—rightly—directed their efforts toward expanding opportunities for women, who continue to face inequities in earnings, responsibility for childcare, and representation in leadership roles and certain careers. But since the middle of the last century, as women’s rights have advanced rapidly and the economy has shifted toward automation and globalization, many men have struggled to adapt to changing labor markets and educational settings—yet far fewer resources are directed toward addressing those challenges.” The Association for Career and Technical Education reports Gen Zers are becoming more interested in CTE-related careers, and it’s reasonable to assume Gen Alphas will feel the same.
According to the U.S. Department of Education, between 2021 and 202,2 nearly 3 million students participated in secondary career and technical education. Of this figure, slightly more than half (53 percent) identified as male. Parents interested in learning more about CTE and its benefits for their children can visit CTE.Ed.gov.
Champion Community Efforts that Benefit Teen Boys
Programs that encourage teens to engage in healthy social activities benefits all children, regardless of gender. In Baltimore, the Baltimore Children and Youth Fund is investing in youth athletics, summer job programs and other youth engagement programs to help reduce youth violence. The BCFY plans to invest $500,00 to establish a new youth athletics fund to expand access to sports at Baltimore City Public Schools. In addition, BCFY is also investing $6 million to support YouthWorks, Baltimore’s summer employment program, which will help 8,500 teens find employment over the summer.
While not all communities have the resources and support to invest in youth like Baltimore, parents can still support organizations like 4-H, YMCA and The Boys and Girls Club of America that provide resources and programming for teens. In addition, parents advocate for programs in their schools and communities that can help young men thrive.
Thanks to increased awareness and parental investment, the future for teen boys looks bright, yet there is so much more we can do.
Want to read more about the Lost Boys Epidemic?
Check out the book Of Boys and Men by author and researcher Richard Reeves.Note: Parenting Teens and Tweens posts contain affiliate links where we may earn a small commission for products or services purchased on our site.)
Parenting teens and tweens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. These posts can help:
Seven Critical Things to Know When Your Son Goes Through Puberty
How to Help Tweens and Teens Manage Unwanted Sexual Content Online
My Son Stopped Talking During the Teen Years And It Was Tough on Me
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