It’s easier than you think to discuss porn with your teen sons and daughters (yes, daughters too!). Here’s How to Get it Done
As a teenager in the late 80s, I don’t recall either of my parents ever having to talk to me about the dangers of pornography, and that’s because if I wanted to catch an illicit peak at nude grown adults, my choices were either an issue of National Geographic, or my public library’s copy of “The Joy of Sex,” both seemingly innocuous options. There’s no doubt we’re in an entirely different environment now when it comes to instant and incredibly easy access to nudity and pornography-both soft and hard-core, and if you don’t believe me, here’s a startling fact- the average age a child first sees internet porn is 11. ELEVEN!
But when, where, and exactly HOW you have the porn talk with your teen or ‘tween son (I raised four sons hence my perspective is male, but same goes for daughters) are questions that parents still find awkward, uncomfortable, and very difficult to answer. And whose job is it anyways? Mom’s? Dad’s? Is age 9 too young? Is age 9 too late? How much do they need to know? You can waste hours on the internet reading what the so called advice experts give on having the porn talk, but sometimes you just want to hear from regular moms in the teen trenches on what worked for them. I recently asked other boy moms to share what they did, and ended up with these great tips to help you fear the conversation less and give you confidence to get it done. (Again, advice is applicable to girls too!)
- The age you have the talk depends on *your* kid
Keep in mind that just like all the generic advice in parenting books doesn’t apply to every child, so is the same with advice on porn, which because of the subject matter, lends itself to a higher degree is discretion in when you start talking about it. This means that while your friend’s ten year old may be emotionally advanced and ready enough to learn about the dangers of porn, maybe your ten year old still believes in Santa Claus. If that’s the case, one mom suggests starting off with simple conversation about body autonomy, and what to do when we first see something, including naked images and video, that we don’t understand, but know makes us uncomfortable. From there as they mature, you can slowly get into more in depth discussions.
2. Who should give the talk? Mom of Dad?
I assumed that since we had all sons, my husband was the ideal parent to give the porn talk, kind of like “man to man,” but I was dead wrong. Turns out he was more squeamish about it than I was, so I ended up doing it. Here’s the thing, the parent who is the most confidant about their ability to tell it like it is should be the presenter. The last thing you want is a parent stumbling around their words and more embarrassed than their child, so if it’s a mom talking to her son, or a dad talking to his daughter, who cares, as long as it’s being done successfully. After the first initial break the iceberg discussion, things generally flow easier, so that’s when the more hesitant parent can come in later and add their advice, because the porn discussion is not a one time thing! See #3
3. Why it’s not a one time conversation
Just like I mentioned above, even though after that first discussion is complete and you may feel a huge sigh of relief, you’re not done. Not even close. When my oldest was 11, Instagram and Snapchat didn’t even exist, so you can imagine how with more and more phone apps and technologies coming out constantly, you’re going to need to keep talking about where the dangers of porn are found, and how such things will always try to infiltrate our devices (and our lives). Porn content producers and distributors, as well as pedophiles, get smarter and smarter every day and more savvy at reaching our kids. Keep having the talk!!
4. Sex is normal, porn is not
It can be hard to talk about sex with kids and ensure them that it’s a normal, natural, and healthy part of adulthood and committed relationships, while at the same time trying to explain that some sex is absolutely none of those things. We don’t want our teens to be ashamed of having sexual feelings, but we do want them to know that much of the porn industry is not about normal, sexual feelings, but instead it’s exploitive and degrading to women, and at many times underage females, not to mention sex trafficking and drug abuse among its participants. It’s also important to talk about how watching porn can lead to sexual dysfunction issues in young men, and that in no way does porn represent real intimacy or what real world relationships, especially intercourse, looks like. Rather it’s mechanical, unrealistic, often times violent, and is a “cartoon” of human sexuality. And though it may be “fake,” by no means is it “harmless.”
5. Internet filters work, until they don’t
Home internet filters are amazing and wonderful things, and have kept many a child from seeing something they’re not supposed to. But they can also be too restrictive, and seeing how we have millions of teens doing virtual school at home who probably need to Google anatomical vocab words just to pass high school biology, there’s comes a point where the filters become moot. In their place you’re going to need teenagers with the willpower and wherewithal to instantly click OUT of pages they know are explicit, while at the same time keeping their internet search engines freely open. This is when the porn talk becomes about personal responsibility and moral gumption, and not just about dirty images, and it’s especially important to have when teens at home reach the age of 18, and are free to legally embrace porn as entertainment.
6. Just do it
Sorry for the “do it” pun, but like all tough jobs we have as parents, sometimes we just need a gentle push to get it done. There are much worse things to discuss than internet pornography, so fearing the talk itself is no reason to not have it. Try to first bring it up riding in the car as you’re driving, as teens are typically more open to talking there because of no awkward face to face “looking at each other” moments. Start with short little micro conversations about it, then move on, and bring up again a few weeks later. Remind your kids it’s your responsibility as a parent to protect their minds and bodies from potential risks and dangers, and porn is just simply another danger, and in the same way you’d talk about the dangers of drinking and driving, you’re going to be talking to them about porn.
Finally, for additional resources for talking to your kids about porn, try asking a friend with kids the same age. Remember how that worked with other issues when the kids were little? Sometimes the best advice is from a peer living the same life as you, so don’t be shy. I bet they’re wanting the same info as you, and two heads are always better than one!
This is a contributed post. Melissa Fenton is a freelance writer, adjunct librarian, and St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital Awareness Ambassador. She writes at 4 Boys Mother. Her writing can be found all over the internet, but her work is mostly on the dinner table.
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