Our children tend to form their earliest friendships based on proximity to other kids – the neighbors down the block, little ones at the local mommy and me playgroup, and other settings. That small social circle often continues in elementary school, where grades are smaller in size and tend to include students from the same areas. Once children reach middle school, those social circles widen even more, as several elementary schools often funnel into one larger school. Students who were used to seeing the same kids since kindergarten now can meet and interact with new faces. With their increased independence and access to a larger pool of students, middle schoolers are no longer tied to early childhood friend groups.
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Middle School Friendships Can Get Complicated
Though middle school offers children opportunities to form new friendships, being a part of a familiar group from elementary school can ease the challenges of middle school. During the first year, it is common to see kids stick with their familiar social groups. However, as children meet other students through classes or extracurricular activities, long-time friends may drift apart. While this is a normal part of childhood, for some children, friends “moving on” feels more like abandonment, especially when they are made to feel like the odd one out. This can make the already difficult experience of middle school even more challenging.
What Parents Need to Know about Middle School Friendship Dynamics
Welcome to Cliquesville
Cliques are viewed as one of the negative rites of passage of adolescence, with children gravitating toward peers with similar identities and interests. Middle schoolers are figuring out who they are and where they fit in the world. This can be exciting and scary all at once, and students find comfort in the familiar.
Related: 8 Ways to Help Your Middle Schooler Develop Healthy Friendships
While middle schoolers establishing new friendships based on similarities is a rite of passage, it can be disheartening for kids who have spent most of their early childhood with a certain friend group. It is important to understand that the kids who have moved on may not even realize they are starting to limit their time with former friends. While it can be tough, reminding your child not to take it personally and assure them they are valued and worthy is key. It’s also important to ensure they have the opportunity to make friends outside of school. Sports, clubs, scouts, youth groups, volunteering, and even certain online activities can be a great way for your pre-teen to meet new people and connect.
Popularity and Social Standing Emerges
The same drive for a sense of belonging can lead to children seeking social groups at the expense of others. In the past year or so, I have noticed a significant increase in my older son’s concern about his social status. He doesn’t overtly say, “I want to be popular,” but I can tell by the way he talks about certain kids that this is very much on his mind. He is more aware of how other kids are perceived and of how his connections to those kids impact his social standing. This concern even extends to his younger brother, who has always been more of a free spirit. On multiple occasions, my oldest has indicated that his brother’s “embarrassing” behavior has hurt him socially. You may want to read: Why Popularity Is So Important in Middle School and How to Navigate It)
Pre-teens May Not Realize They’ve Done Something Harmful
Adolescents are like all humans in that two people can have widely different views of the same situation. My own child felt slighted when he wasn’t invited to a sleepover party by someone he considered a good friend. As a parent, you can try to stop the snowball effect and over-dramatization of slights from others. You can help your teen by asking questions such as, “Is it possible that it’s not about you? What else could it mean? How could you find out?” After explaining to him that parents may not always want a large group of kid at their home, he was still upset but understood. Ironically, for his own birthday not long after, he too had to limit his invite list.
Your child may feel as if they have been left behind by a friend who is spending more time with other kids, while the former friend may think that the friendship has ended without issue.
As parents, it’s our job to help our kids learn to give grace and not take everything personally. There is a difference between mean-spirited behavior and unintended hurt. Resist the urge to interfere if your child is not being actively bullied or targeted. Trying to solve the problem for them does not give your child the opportunity to develop the resiliency or coping strategies to deal with an issue they’ll most likely face throughout their lives.
It’s also to remember that puberty is a process, not an event, so kids are developing at different rates. That pesky teen brain means that communication skills, emotional intelligence, decision-making, and other skills needed to have healthy relationships may not be fully formed for many of these kids (some not until age 25.) Talking about this with your kids can help.
Of course, an occasional missed invitation to a birthday celebration is one thing, consistent exclusion or deliberate mean acts are another. If your child is being deliberately ostracized from a long-time group, whether through actions like being denied a spot at their usual lunch table or being talked about behind their back (in the real world or online), that falls into the bullying territory and may warrant discussions with relevant teachers and parents.
Related: Teaching My Kids What Good Friendship Looks Like is a Hard, but Critical Life Lesson
Help Your Pre-teen Process This Experience
The ending of a long-time friendship can be devasting for anyone, but especially for a middle schooler who does not yet have much life perspective, and they need time to process this loss as they would any other difficult moment in their life. Your pre-teen’s typical adolescent angst and moodiness may be amplified as they reconcile with this big (at least) change to them in their social life.
While we should walk softly in being a negative voice in our middle schooler’s heads about other students, we can help them see patterns of behavior. We can say things like, “It seems like Tim is spending more time with his basketball friends because that’s his favorite thing to do right now. Have you noticed that, too?” or “I’ve noticed that when you hang out with this group of friends, you always come home feeling sad. Do you think that’s a sign of a healthy friendship?”
While we all know kids this age barely want to speak with their parents, assuring your kids that they have your ear when they need it can go a long way. For some kids, journaling or expressing their feelings through art can be a huge help. Others may prefer speaking with a therapist, teacher, coach or other professional about their experiences.
Related: How To Keep Puberty From Killing Your Tween Girl’s Confidence
Focus on Quality Over Quantity
Pew Research recently did a study on teen friendships and found that the happiest teens are the ones who have at least one good friend they feel like they can count on in life. It’s important for parents to talk about their own friendships, what they value in a friend, and why one good friend is worth more than a lot of acquaintances.
Encourage Them To Move Forward
There is no set time for children to “get over” lost friendships. However, as parents, we can still encourage our children to seek out new ventures. Middle school is a wonderful time to try out new clubs, join a rec league, or find other kids at lunch with similar interests. If your child is on the shier side, activities with smaller groups or ones led by a familiar adult might be better suited for them.
Losing friends definitely sucks, yet these difficult moments can lead to new opportunities.
Do you want to stay connected to your middle schooler?
Starting out on this middle school journey, and want to strengthen your relationship with your pre-teen during this time? Check out our FREE five-day email series on how to keep your connection strong during these years.
Looking for more help on parenting middle schoolers?
We like this book from our friend Jessica Speers, Middle School-Safety Goggles Advised. It focuses on exploring all things middle school, from gossip to grades, cliques to crushes, and popularity to peer pressure.
Parenting teens and tweens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. Here’s help:
9 Awesome Books to Help With Parenting During the Middle School Years
10 Common Problems Middle School Girls Face (And How Parents Can Help)
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