Last year, my family took a cruise for spring break. Because the ship did not have free Wi-Fi, my 12-year-old daughter spent seven days sans phone without complaint. As we disembarked, I handed her iPhone over, and she excitedly powered it on.
While we stood in line to go through customs, I heard her exclaim, “Wow, it just won’t stop!”
I peered over her shoulder and noticed text messages appearing like rapid fire. The end count was north of 1,500 messages from two different group chats.
I was shocked. My seventh-grade daughter only had a phone for a few months, and while I monitored it, I found most of the messages were innocuous. Right before we left, some friends added her to two groups where 10 to 15 girls seemed to be texting non-stop. She did not have social media yet, but her phone constantly lit up with notifications, so I encouraged her to turn them off. She replied, “I’m fine with it now, Mom, but I’ll turn them off if they become a problem.”
“Natural consequences,” I said to myself, thinking I would see how this played out.
Later that week, I dropped my daughter off at soccer practice. She left her phone in the car, and during the 90 minutes she was inside the facility, her phone never stopped receiving messages.
More surprising than the sheer volume of the messages, however, was the tone of the communication. As I glanced down on the phone, I saw some pretty unsavory language and commentary in the message summaries that were appearing on her screen. Although not directed at her, there seemed to be several disagreements and mean-spirited accusations happening about something that happened at school that day.
I started questioning whether this mode of communication was right for my tween and how to set some tech rules and boundaries for her, but I wasn’t even sure where to start.
Related: Why Seventh Grade Sucks the Most for Tweens and Their Parents
The Middle School Group Text Social Scene
Middle school is often a tough transition for tweens and their parents, and there are a host of issues that come with this transition.
“In comparison to other forms of social media, texting is pretty safe, but that doesn’t mean parents should back off entirely,” says Phyllis Fagell, licensed clinical professional counselor at Washington, D.C.-based Sheridan School and author of Middle School Matters. “Middle schoolers are doing the same stuff in text chains that they’re doing in the cafeteria, a sleepover, or in the hallways. They may be trading gossip for status or making someone else feel crappy—or they may be making plans or talking about a soccer game.”
Fagell has seen kids as young as eight years old texting, and she believes younger kids are too immature for this form of communication. “By middle school, I think it’s fine to let kids text as long as parents stay involved,” says Fagell.
Texting now occupies a key place developing social skills, and Fagell cautions against banning it to protect kids. “At an age when kids are asserting their place in the pack and figuring out their identity, they’re going to try out some mean behaviors,” she says. “But they’re going to do that in person too, and if you don’t let them text, they’re going to feel socially isolated. And texting isn’t just a vehicle for gossip or cruelty—it’s often used to lift each other up or check in about homework.”
From my perspective, I felt I needed to address it head on with my daughter. When she came out of practice I said, “Hey, I didn’t intentionally snoop, but your phone was going off like lightning bolts while you were at practice and I didn’t love everything I saw on there. What’s going on?”
“OMG, MOM! It’s so stupid. Alex didn’t sit at her regular table for lunch and then everyone went insane and someone else said that it was because she was crushing on Jen’s boyfriend, but I think she likes some older kid at another school and then Alex left the group and people are still talking about her. I’m just staying out of it.”
And I was half happy and half disappointed with it all, and I had to admit, it was probably a good learning lesson for her. I ended it with, “Just remember that anything you say can and will be used against you by someone.”
She only rolled her eyes a little.
When Group Texts Turn Ugly
What’s a parent to do when a group text goes off the rails? Whether it’s your kid or someone else’s who has made mistakes, consider this an opportunity to teach your tween how to handle this and other tricky social situations. Some examples might be your tween saying something unkind about someone else and getting caught because someone in the thread forwarded it to others. Another common problem is middle schoolers who don’t realize how their words come across to others (often because they do not yet have the maturity or language skills). Or, sometimes a kid might say things in a righteous way only to find out later that they did not know the entire story.
One of my young daughters once screenshotted a post where one friend talked about another in a group chat. Of course, despite repeated promises she wouldn’t say anything about it, the young girl being discussed confronted the others without saying who told her. Then the witch hunt began to discover who the “snitch” was.
My daughter was hysterical, and I encouraged her to admit her mistake before someone else was accused. While she did not get ostracized, she slowly moved out of this friend group after this experience, and it was a humbling lesson for her to learn that trust is something you both give and receive.
“Teach your tweens not to be reactive. If their heart rate goes up or they feel angry, encourage your child to step away from their device and don’t engage,” says Devorah Heitner, Ph.D., founder of the blog Raising Digital Natives and author of Growing Up in Public. “Sometimes kids don’t recognize drama as it’s unfolding, so parents need to teach them how to refrain from reacting. When possible, tweens should address their peers face-to-face.”
Mentoring instead of monitoring approach
Heitner encourages parents to mentor their kids—teach them how to manage the challenges of group messages and other tech social skills—instead of only monitoring what is happening on their phones. Instead of just scanning for inappropriate content, parents should use digital communication as an opportunity to teach some basic social skills.
For example, try to have ongoing conversations with your tweens and teens about how people may react to certain situations, such as feeling ignored because of a lack of response to a message. “Tension can develop from something as minor as an unanswered text,” she says. “Tweens’ feelings can get hurt quickly, so they need to understand that every text may not get answered immediately for a variety of reasons, and that they need to be patient with their friends.”
Sometimes behavior occurs in a text thread that may make others uncomfortable, such as name-calling, swearing, or bullying. Heitner advises that tweens, or anyone for that matter, should always feel okay to exit out of a group text. “Make sure your child has an out if they are uncomfortable, such as saying that their dad reads all their texts or another excuse,” she says. “If bullying is happening, they should not address it in the group, and instead communicate directly with individuals.”
If group texting is stressing you out as a parent, Heitner offers some hope. “Group texts are often for new users, particularly fifth through seventh graders. By eighth or ninth grade, many teens only use group texts to make plans or for team communication.”
As someone with older teens, I can attest to this.
Related: Tired of Yelling at Your Teen to Get Off Their Phone? Try This Trick Instead
Group Text Boundaries
Before you hand over a phone, it’s great to have your teen sign a phone contract so you can agree on the ground rules. It’s also good to have consequences in place so you aren’t constantly weaponizing their phone use (you don’t want to get in the habit of constantly threatening to take away their phone to induce good behavior. It’s not Santa Clause :))
So, what are some good boundaries to set for your middle schooler if they are participating in group texts or even online hangouts?
1. Don’t believe these texts are private.
Not everyone adheres to the same privacy or trust standards. Operate in a group text assuming that at any time someone may take a screenshot and make it public.
2. Recognize when to take conversations private or offline.
Group texts can be difficult for some to manage because they may not read all the way through the thread, or they may be responding at the same time as someone else. Don’t publicly call someone out in a group text, which could be embarrassing. If you need to address something, do it either face to face or in a private text.
3. Understand who is on the thread.
If you see numbers you don’t recognize, it’s okay to either ask, “Hey, who’s number starts with 418…it’s not coming up in my contacts.” It’s very easy for someone to add people to a group text who perhaps should not be on it.
4. Be a productive group member.
Don’t feel like you have to participate in the thread. It’s okay to be a part of it and not contribute if you don’t have anything to say. Sometimes group texts can become time sucks and go completely off the rails. Encourage your tweens/teens to value their time.
5. Be conscientious about what you share.
Not everyone on a group text thread may have the same sense of humor or take things the same way. Be wary about sharing photos, memes or videos that may come across as offensive, harassing, or aggressive. Like posting on the Internet, once you hit the send button, it stays on others’ phones and can be reported to authorities or school officials. Additionally, depending on the content, certain photos, such as nudes of minors, could be considered child porn. If your tween/teen receives these photos, the best course of action is to delete them immediately or if you think the photo puts someone in danger, report them to authorities.
6. Know when to leave.
Tell your tween/teen that it is always okay for them to exit out of a group text without announcement or fanfare. It doesn’t have to be done with a long explanation or monologue. If someone approaches them and asks why, help your child prepare a response, such as, “I just found the group distracting as I was trying to study,” or, “My dad sometimes reads my texts and I don’t want anyone to get in trouble.”
Middle school is tough because adolescents are trying to remain connected to their peers while finding their authentic selves. Our job as parents is to give them the space and grace to do just that.
Are you in the thick of raising your tweens and teens? You may like this book by Whitney Fleming, the co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens: Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love: Essays about Raising Teens in Today’s Complex, Chaotic World.
Editor’s note: Portions of this post appeared in an article the author previously published on Your Teen for Parents.
Parenting teens and tweens is a tough job, but here’s a little more support to help you out:
Middle School, The Hardest Years of Your Life As A Mom (So Far)
How To Teach Your Tween Daughter About Puberty (and the important topics we forget)
Questions to Ask to Know If Your Tween or Teen Is Ready for a Phone
Teen Smartphone Addiction: How to Identify the Symptoms and Break Free
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