Inside: Having a good relationship with my teens meant setting clear and consistent boundaries. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it.

A friend with middle school-aged children recently asked me, “What’s your secret? How do you get along with your girls so well?” I blushed a little because I thought that was a fantastic compliment. I am proud of the relationships I have with my three daughters today, but they were not always that way. Not even close.

So, I felt like I needed to be honest with her.”When my kids were your kids’ age, my house was a hot mess. We were always arguing, yelling, stomping off. I was always flying off the handle, and they were always doing something wrong. I felt like they were disrespectful, starting to sneak around, and constantly in a bad mood. Someone was always teetering on the edge of a meltdown, and it was often me.”

“I’m sure you are exaggerating,” she said.

“I’m not!” And I wasn’t. When my three daughters were tweens and young teens, we struggled. Sure, I was a caring mom. I was involved in their schools, made sure they had good food to eat and they did their homework. I signed them up for activities, drove carpool, and told them they could talk to me about anything. I tried to get them to clean their rooms, do some chores, and learn responsibility.

But the truth was we were flailing. We were so busy with all the things that we constantly ran from one thing to the next without any downtime. I was continually lecturing them on how I thought they could be more responsible instead of letting them learn these things for themselves. I hated how much they wanted to be on their phones and iPads, and we fought about it incessantly. I nagged and needled them on stupid stuff and then lost my mind when they didn’t do it. We never resolved issues but kept pushing them down until they sprung like a Jack-in-the-Box on the final crank.

Related: Five Critical Tips to Defuse an Emotional Teen

How to Recognize Your Relationship with Your Teen Needs to Change

One day one of my daughters and I got into it over a chore she didn’t finish. It was the last straw for me. I was so frustrated with her behavior that I berated her for everything. Her unkempt room, schoolwork, and attitude. Her lack of awareness for others. Her inaction to change. I kept finding faults, and didn’t let up.

That’s when she came at me with a fury I didn’t know was within her. She called me some names, told me to leave her alone, and shot daggers at me with her eyes. I left her room without solving anything. I got in my car and drove to the nearest parking lot, where I cried in a cup of coffee. Needless to say, it was not my proudest moment. In fact, I couldn’t imagine feeling any worse about my status as a mom.

I couldn’t understand how we got there. All I wanted was a better relationship with my three daughters than the one that I had with my mom growing up. And yes, that’s when it hit me. I grew up in a house with yelling. I grew up in a house where I snuck around because I feared my parents. I grew up in a house where we never sat down to resolve a conflict and instead either ignored it or someone blew up about it.

And now I was doing the same. I wanted something better for my kids. I wanted something better for myself. While my parents did the best with the skills they had from growing up in volatile, broken homes, I needed to step up my game.

I started by recognizing that a lot of the problem was me. My kids were behaving in the ways they were supposed to be at their age, but I was the grown-up and needed to start acting like one. I started working on developing some coping mechanisms when I felt like I was spinning out of control, including walking and deep breathing. I tried to scale back our schedule of activities so my family would have a little more downtime. I focused on gratitude for my teens instead of my frustrations.

These things helped tremendously, but my home still felt like a house of cards ready to tumble at any second. That’s when I read an article on boundaries that changed the course of my relationship with my teens.

What are boundaries for teens and why are they important?

In short, boundaries provide limits, rules of engagement, and accountability for all parties involved. Teens need us to institute boundaries because their brains are still developing, and clear and consistent boundaries offer structure, reduce anxiety, and help them make good choices in a complex world. Someone once said that boundaries are like invisible fences that protect your emotional, mental, and physical well-being while fostering healthy relationships.

But here’s the kicker: boundaries aren’t just good for kids; they’re also good for us as parents. When we clearly state the rules and consistently enforce them with consequences you set up in advance, we take the anxiety and emotions out of the relationship. That means you don’t have to freak out and lecture your teen when they break the rules because you’ve already addressed what will happen.

Of course, I understand that this is easier said than done, and there will always be exceptions. Your teen may do something so outlandish that you never discussed it, or they may continue to push limits to see if you break, but you can address most common teen issues by creating boundaries that can instill a more peaceful relationship with your teen.

Also, it can be hard to begin the process of setting boundaries. You may feel like you missed the boat because you didn’t do it early enough or don’t want more conflict with your teen. You may feel guilty, like I did, about your current relationship or unsure of what you’re doing because you never saw healthy boundaries before. While these feelings are valid, avoiding boundaries can create confusion, resentment, and chaos in the household.

And yes, your teen will probably not love your rules, but remember, boundaries are love.

The Three Boundaries That Changed the Relationship with My Teens

There are many boundaries you can set with your teens, including physical, time, emotional, behavioral, communication, digital, and financial, among others. If you spend some time looking at the relationship with your teen from an outsider’s perspective, you can probably start to see patterns of behavior you need to address, but for many parents of adolescents, there are three areas to address that can have tremendous impact:

1. Respectful Communication

If I had a penny for every time a parent complained about teenage disrespect, I’d be a rich woman. And I get it. There were times when I could not believe the things that came out of my kids’ mouths, knowing that if I said it to my parents, I would be knocked into next Sunday.

I knew things needed to change in our house with three hormonal teens, a perimenopausal mom, and a dad who travelled often. We had a family meeting and came up with a few rules regarding communication. Everyone had input and we all had to agree that we understood the parameters:

• No yelling or freaking out. The truth is, I know my voice gets louder as I get more upset, as does one of my kids. We agreed that if there was yelling, someone could say time-out until the other person could regain their composure. I also agreed that I would not freak out and react irrationally after they shared something with me. Instead, I would digest it for 10-minutes before discussing it. This was HARD, but worth it.
• Listen before answering. You may not realize it, but you probably say no without giving your teen a chance to share their opinion. This makes them feel like you aren’t taking them seriously (probably because you aren’t.) I learned over time–no matter how outlandish the request–to always respond with, “What’s your plan?” By giving them a chance to state their case, they at least feel valued and heard, which is what most of us want in this life. Bonus: most of the time they figured out that it was too complicated to do whatever they wanted to do anyway! I also tried not ro respond to comments that sounded preposterous or unconventional. I found with time, my teens usually figured things out on their own and they were often just trying stuff on or lobbing ideas out there to see how I would react.
• Keep it simple: Not everything needs to be a teachable moment or lecture from the parent, and not everything has to be an argument from your teen. After listening, when I used the words, “Asked and answered,” my kids knew that the discussion was done and any more pushing would involve a consequence, such as additional chores over the weekend or a deduction of friend time.
• Start conversations however you are comfortable. One of my kids always left me a note when she needed to tell me something, like when she broke a tail light on the car or forgot to do something. Another sometimes sent me a text. Not every teen has the strength to face their parent’s disappointment, no matter how much we tell them they can come to us, so I let my teens reach out to me in whatever way they felt comfortable with the agreement that we would discuss it face to face at an agreed upon time.
• No belittling or mean-spirited comments, Hard stop. I know this sounds like a no-brainer, but it is so easy to get in the habit of talking to each other rudely, just as you can get in the habit of talking to someone kindly. Everyone in our family has the right to stop a conversation and say, “Your comments feel personal and mean. Can I step away before I say something I regret or engage negatively?” Total game-changer.
• No one in the family is a doormat. Everyone has a bad day, and teenagers are notorious for taking their frustrations out on others. Instead of lashing out on someone else, I taught my teens to do something to vent their anger, such as going for a run, boxing, meditation, drinking a cold glass of water, etc. And the best way to get this point across? Model it for them. My teens often see me walking when I’m frustrated at a colleague or family member, deep breathing, or sometimes even asking, “Hey, can I complain about something for a second?” The net-net is that if I felt that one of my kids was treating me poorly, I had the right to say, “I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I know you are upset, so when you want to talk, just let me know.” It only took a few times for that behavior to end completely.
• Always think the best of each other.. It’s so easy to get in a rut and almost expect your teen to act like a brat, or in my case, epect your mom to freak out. I told my kids that I would always think the best of them and give them a chance to explain themselves if they would also think the best of me and give me a chance to listen. And yes, sometimes I had to apologize for not getting it right the first time.

Are you looking for additional help on how to improve your relationship with a disrespectful teen? Check out our FREE e-book The Ultimate Guide on Managing Teenage Disrespect.

2. Healthy Tech Usage

Every parent I know is exhausted from trying to manage their child’s time spent online. Every parent has a different philosophy on this, but in our house I found that whenever my teens spent too much time online or on social media, they went off the rails. They became more prone to emotional outbursts, more sullen, more lethargic–and less of themselves. Here are a few things I did that helped set some healthy tech boundaries:

• Sign a cell phone contract and social media contract: With any privilege should come some clear expectations of what kind of behaviors are required to keep that privilege.  When the rules and consequences are clear, life is more predictable for them, and you can quash the constant negotiation on such issues as screentime, apps, games, etc. Also, you can tell that the initial contract is a baseline and you can expand the rules as they prove they are trustworthy and responsible.
• No phones at the table for anyone. Truth, this one was tough on my marriage and with my kids, but I was relentless. Sometimes the only time we get to spend together was at a table eating, so I was adamant about this rule. It was our time to connect, not that their time to be connected to their phones.
• No phones in bedrooms after 10 p.m. Every teen will tell you that this rule sucks, and I’m guessing it does, but there are a million reasons why phones at bedtime are bad, including sleep deprivation, mental health problems, and an overall distraction to everything else they need to get done.
• Weekly evaluation of screentime: We did this as a family for a few months, and it was startling for all of us. My daughter had no idea how much time she was spending watching silly videos, so she actually installed an app that limited her access to YouTube so she could break her habit.
• Be a good digital citizen: Teaching our children that they shouldn’t act any differently online than they would in the real world is essential to parenting this generation. Talk to them about ghosting, online bullying, screenshotting personal conversations, sharing photos, and appropriate posting/commenting.

Related:Here Are The Tech Rules You Need To Be Setting For Your Tweens and Teens

3. Sleep

Here’s the truth: teenagers do not get enough sleep (they’re supposed to be getting 8-10 hours, fyi.) Some of it is because they are over-scheduled, over-stressed, and over-stimulated, but some of it is because we don’t make sleep a priority for our families. We hope that our teens will make the right decisions when it comes to sleep, but rarely do they (thanks to that pre-frontal cortex in the developing teen brain.) You may also want to read: Teens Have Bad Sleep Habits, But It’s Not All Their Fault.

I noticed lack of sleep (and rest in general) was a huge contributor to the disarray in our house. When everyone was exhausted, our tempers were short, our anxiety was high, and our words were mean-spirited.

In the tween and early teen years, I set the following boundaries, but made them more flexible as time went on and I knew my teens were making healthy decisions for themselves.

• Minimal sleepovers: I often encouraged my teens to have late-overs where everyone left around 11 p.m. or midnight. Sure, they had sleepovers, but because all three particpated in sports or another physical activity, we helped them to make sleep a priority. The added benefit was they were less moody.
• Standing curfew: We had a standing curfew and if they weren’t home by that time and did not let us know, there was a consequence (usually it involved staying home the next weekend.) We would sway from it, but only for a good, safe reason. The curfew extended as they aged, but we still minimized the time they were out on school nights until they graduated.
• No screens at bedtime or in bedroom: I know I mentioned this above, but I think it’s worth mentioning again. Many studies have shown that teenagers cicaedean rhythms change during the teen years, meaning they stay up later and don’t feel alert until later in the morning. However, staying up all night playing video games or scrolling certainly doens’t help your body relax and instead puts your brain on alert. We didn'[t insiste our teens needed to shut off their lights and go to bed, but they did not have screens, TVs or video games in their rooms. They could read, listen to music/podcasts, or do something else, but we tried to reduce the light.
• Collaborate. Many teens feel like you are treating them like a baby when you tell them to go to bed. I found that sending them a few articles on the benefit of sleep, talking about the impact sleep has on mental and overall health, and asking their opinion on how much sleep they needed led to some good discussions and realizations by them.
• Constant assesment of schedules: Each semester, we would write down all the activities with time commitments on a paper schedule so our kids could see with their own eyes what their days would look like and if they felt like they had enough hours in the day to do it all. Many teens think they do not need to allocatae time for socializing, self-care, and sleep, which is a big contributor to the burnout that many adolescents face. While I tried to leave many decisions up to my kids, there were times I put my foot down on adding something else to their already overflowing plates. Spoiler alert: they often thanked me for it later. You may also like to read: How to Help Teens Build the Life Skills They Need for School-Life Balance

Boundaries Made My Life Simpler

When I felt like everything in my life was “too much,” boundaries simplied everything. I found writing them down, signing contracts, and working in collaboration with my teens instead of as the sole authority, changed my entire relationship with them for the better.

Setting your own boundaries with your teens may not change everything overnight. In fact, you may even receive instant pushback and a few more arguments. But I promise you, if you take the time to figure out what boundaries are important to you, explain them clearly to your teens and let them have input, and stay firm in holding them, you will see positive changes.

Our relationship is not perfect, but it is calmer, more peaceful, and more respectful. Most importantly, I think we enjoy each other because we know that we can trust each other to listen and that we can always solve anything by loving each other through it.

Parenting teens and tweens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. These articles may help:

When Your Teen Thinks They Know Everything (And You Know They Don’t)

This One Surprising Skill Can Help Your Teen Be More Successful

My Teen Doesn’t Want to Learn to Drive And I’m Not Sure What to Do

Are you looking for more encouragement to raise your teens and tweens?

Check out this book, You’re Not a Failure, My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either, by the co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens, Whitney Fleming. It addresses the many challenges we face as parents today and how we can tackle them to have better relationships with our big kids.

*Parenting Teens & Tweens includes affiliate links in it’s articles.