Each night, somewhere between 9 and 10 p.m., my three teenagers begrudgingly leave their phones on what I lovingly refer to as my containment counter. It’s a corner of my kitchen where they can charge their phones far away from their bedrooms.
I wish I could say they go to bed after this transition of power, but it’s usually not the case. And during these challenging times, I’m okay with that. They can read a book or watch a few minutes of a show in our living room. They putter around in their room or fight with their siblings.
But, these “smart” phones—they stay on the counter until the next morning. And I often hover nearby to make sure no one is tempted to run off with one.
Sure, I’ll let them check an email from a teacher or text a friend quickly, but for the most part, the scrolling part of their day is finito.
It’s not so much about trust. I mean, if my kids are going to choose to look at porn or communicate with strangers, they are just as likely to do it in the broad daylight then in the dark.
And I could use an app or the screen monitoring function on their iPhones, but I like that they have to detach from the tentacles of their devices.
Because there’s one thing I won’t negotiate about in my house, one thing I’ve learned that impacts my kids’ moods the most, one thing that changes the entire dynamic of my relationship with my kids, and it comes down to five little letters: SLEEP.
The research is clear: when teenagers have screens in their bedrooms, it interferes with their slumber. End of story. A study in the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) found that children ages six to 18 had an 88 percent higher risk of not sleeping enough when devices were in the bedroom and a 53 percent higher risk of getting a bad night’s sleep—and that’s when devices were in the bedroom just three nights a week.
Most nights, after my kids plug their phones in and head upstairs to get ready for bed, I see the notifications flying on their phones. Messages coming in through Instagram and Snapchat and emails and texts. They come in fast and furious until I head upstairs to bed. I’ve seen them as late as 1 a.m.. and as early as 5 a.m. There is no way my daughters would be able to ignore that—even in sleep mode.
Sometimes I wonder, am I babying my kids too much? Should I let them regulate their phone usage? Am I the only one who sees this as a problem?
It’s tempting to make concessions.
But then, I think about how confusing the world is right now, how easy it is to get sucked in to the media and hype and fear, how we are constantly trying to deal with feelings of anxiety and stress–and how we as parents are trying to keep their overflowing emotions in check. With that in mind, my decisions are much simpler, my resolve stronger.
I recall that when my teens are pushed to their limits and don’t get enough sleep, my normally even-keeled kids lash out at me, complain more, and have less patience for everything in their life. There are more tears, more snark, more angst.
I also know that checking social media right before you go to sleep is unhealthy, and I hear the stories of kids waking up throughout the night to monitor the likes on a post, Snap back, or just see what they missed. They convince themselves that they can’t sleep so they are just winding down when in fact, it’s the exact opposite. The very thing they are using to “relax” is actually keeping them wide awake.
As a mom of teenagers, I’ve accepted that social media is the new mall, and it’s their place to try on identities and figure out who they want to be in this world.
And I know it’s not all bad. Sometimes it promotes healthy behavior, like activism or interests, and sometimes it can be negative, like producing anxiety because they feel left out or in a constant state of FOMO.
So, I let my kids participate in the New World Order.
But only between the hours of 7 a.m. to 10 p.m.
After that, we’re closed and, when possible, getting a few extra zzzs.
This post originally appeared on the author’s Facebook page Playdates on Fridays by Whitney Fleming.
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What about laptops, iPads and DVD players? My DD sophomore soon to be junior plugs her phone in at bedtime, but is often on another screen til wee hours. I’m letting it go now but when school resumes I’m considering all electronics plugged in outside her room in remote location, no screens in bedroom from 10 pm on. Sleep is king and if it’s not the phone, I see the other screens having similar stimulation to stay awake and results. Thoughts? Thank you
I would agree, any screen that they are tempted to use after hours and that would result in them not getting enough sleep should be removed.
At what age does one leave it to the teenagers discretion though? All the advice seems to be for younger teenagers. We followed all the experts recommendations, but now our teenagers are almost legal adults, they refuse to follow the guidance.
At this time, this blog does tend to address tween years and earlier teen years. We hope to move onto older teen and college age topics in the future. However, as far as the rules/guidelines for teens and phones, if they are not yet an adult, and/or still live in your home, and/or you pay for the phone or service then they have some responsibility to follow the rules you set down. Ultimately, the goal is to get our kids to a point that by the time they are adults and independent they can make wise choices when it comes to the use of technology use. In today’s world, part of parenting is teaching kids to be good digital citizens. But yes, at some point, they will reach a point where we can certainly offer our opinions and advice, but we no longer have the authority to enforce anything (w/the exception of if we continue to pay for the device and service or are paying for their education- at that point if their tech use is inappropriate or interfering with their education you have every right to try to influence them).