Inside: There are a host of reasons why we need to consider if teens having a phone in their bedroom at night is right for your family, but what it boiled down to for this mom is sleep, which impacts everything.
Each night, somewhere between 9 and 10 p.m., my three teenagers begrudgingly leave their phones on what I lovingly refer to as my containment counter. It’s a corner of my kitchen where they can charge their phones far away from their bedrooms.
I wish I could say they go to bed after this transition of power, but it’s usually not the case. And during these challenging times, I’m okay with that. They can read a book or watch a few minutes of a show in our living room. They putter around in their room or fight with their siblings.
But, these “smart” phones—they stay on the counter until the next morning. And I often hover nearby to make sure no one is tempted to run off with one.
Sure, I’ll let them check an email from a teacher or text a friend quickly, but for the most part, the scrolling part of their day is finito.
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Why My Rule is No Phone in Bedroom After 10 p.m.
It’s not so much about trust. I mean, if my kids are going to choose to look at porn or communicate with strangers, they are just as likely to do it in the broad daylight then in the dark.
And I could use an app or the screen monitoring function on their iPhones, but I like that they have to detach from the tentacles of their devices.
Because there’s one thing I won’t negotiate about in my house, one thing I’ve learned that impacts my kids’ moods the most, one thing that changes the entire dynamic of my relationship with my kids, and it comes down to five little letters: SLEEP.
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The research is clear: when teenagers have screens in their bedrooms, it interferes with their slumber. End of story. A study in the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) found that children ages six to 18 had an 88 percent higher risk of not sleeping enough when devices were in the bedroom and a 53 percent higher risk of getting a bad night’s sleep—and that’s when devices were in the bedroom just three nights a week.
The American Academy of Pediatrics found that sleeping with a cell phone near you is worse than falling asleep with the television on, a habit that was hard for me to break in my twenties.
Phones are addictive enough without having access to them 24-hours a day.
Most nights, after my kids plug their phones in and head upstairs to get ready for bed, I see the notifications flying on their phones. Messages coming in through Instagram and Snapchat and emails and texts. They come in fast and furious until I head upstairs to bed. I’ve seen them as late as 1 a.m.. and as early as 5 a.m. There is no way my daughters would be able to ignore that—even in sleep mode.
The only way to help them learn that they can survive without a phone in the bedroom at night s to teach them how to do it today.
I Know A Lot of Parents Do It Differently
Sometimes I wonder, am I babying my kids too much? Should I let them regulate their own cell phone use? Am I the only one who sees this as a problem?
It’s tempting to make concessions. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who says no phone in the bedroom at night.
But then, I think about how confusing the world is right now, how easy it is to get sucked into the media and hype and fear, how we are constantly trying to deal with feelings of anxiety and depression and stress–and how we as parents are trying to keep their overflowing emotions in check. With that in mind, my decisions are much simpler, my resolve stronger.
I recall that when my teens are pushed to their limits and don’t get enough sleep, my normally even-keeled kids lash out at me, complain more, and have less patience for everything in their life. There are more tears, more snark, more angst.
And I’ve heard the arguments how teens need their electronic devices to connect, for alarms to wake up in the morning, or to check homework, especially in high school.
But I also know that checking social media right before you go to sleep is unhealthy, and I hear the stories of kids waking up throughout the night to monitor the likes on a post, Snap back, or just see what they missed. They convince themselves that they can’t sleep so they are just winding down when in fact, it’s the exact opposite. The very thing they are using to “relax” is actually keeping them wide awake.
As a mom of teenagers, I’ve accepted that social media is the new mall, and it’s their place to try on identities and figure out who they want to be in this world.
And I know it’s not all bad. Sometimes it promotes healthy behavior, like activism or interests, and sometimes it can be negative, like producing anxiety because they feel left out or in a constant state of FOMO.
So, I let my kids participate in the New World Order.
But only between the hours of 7 a.m. to 10 p.m.
After that, we’re closed and, when possible, getting a few extra zzzs.
This post originally appeared on the author’s Facebook page Whitney Fleming Writes.
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What about laptops, iPads and DVD players? My DD sophomore soon to be junior plugs her phone in at bedtime, but is often on another screen til wee hours. I’m letting it go now but when school resumes I’m considering all electronics plugged in outside her room in remote location, no screens in bedroom from 10 pm on. Sleep is king and if it’s not the phone, I see the other screens having similar stimulation to stay awake and results. Thoughts? Thank you
I would agree, any screen that they are tempted to use after hours and that would result in them not getting enough sleep should be removed.
Our daughter has just started her sophomore year, and we’ve decided (for the first time, seriously) she needs to leave her phone outside her room overnight. It’s a big battle, as I’m sure everyone can relate to. We’re standing firm, but I’m having trouble answering these arguments:
– I listen to music when I can’t sleep. (i know a radio won’t exactly replace Spotify)
– I do my meditation app when I can’t sleep.
– During the pandemic, I already have more anxiety, and not having my phone will just increase my anxiety and ability to get to sleep.
– You don’t trust me. I don’t use my phone overnight except for the reasons above.
– Why not just shut down my apps etc. after a certain time?
Thanks for any thoughts or advice!
We just went through this. She even said she needs it for the alarm Etc. Mine now has an Amazon echo dot with a clock for alarm. She can play music or use it as a sound machine. She can use the alarm function and the phone is out of her room. I turn off her internet usage (through ATT I can control WiFi to specific devices). This sleep issue has been a real problem for us. I have had to really buckle down on it recently and it’s not easy to do but it’s worth it.
At what age does one leave it to the teenagers discretion though? All the advice seems to be for younger teenagers. We followed all the experts recommendations, but now our teenagers are almost legal adults, they refuse to follow the guidance.
At this time, this blog does tend to address tween years and earlier teen years. We hope to move onto older teen and college age topics in the future. However, as far as the rules/guidelines for teens and phones, if they are not yet an adult, and/or still live in your home, and/or you pay for the phone or service then they have some responsibility to follow the rules you set down. Ultimately, the goal is to get our kids to a point that by the time they are adults and independent they can make wise choices when it comes to the use of technology use. In today’s world, part of parenting is teaching kids to be good digital citizens. But yes, at some point, they will reach a point where we can certainly offer our opinions and advice, but we no longer have the authority to enforce anything (w/the exception of if we continue to pay for the device and service or are paying for their education- at that point if their tech use is inappropriate or interfering with their education you have every right to try to influence them).
Until 18 or end of year 12. Their brain development is not there yet, and the issue of digital devices in bedrooms is simply poor parenting. Your job is to know what they are doing online. I have never seen nude pics taken in a kitchen. You must be in control of what your child is doing online.
I totally agree with this and have done for my 5 children…however the thing I struggle the most with is holding them accountable and having to come up with a consequence when they don’t comply. I am so tired of having to restrict, punish, take stuff away, ground and give chores because they don’t want to follow the rule. Wish it were easier.
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As a father of daughters I am more concerned about what they might upload out than what they watch. I only grant them access in common areas around the house (no upstairs, no bedrooms, no bathrooms etc.) I just want to make it as difficult as possible to send out images of themselves to others (either innocent or not). I agree the article that our brains need a rest from so much information & so much interaction. I do allow physical, non-streaming media like dvd classic things but not new, stimulating stuff. Things you’ve seen hundreds of times can be very relaxing to drift away to sleep. They’ve tried so many tricks over the years sneaking them in. Things from “charging” an empty phone case to look like their phone, smuggling in an old tablet or chromebook we forgot about! Parenting is tough & my way could be wrong but I know we must obey our own conscience and do what we believe to be the best.