4 Ways to Help Your Teenage Son Practice Self-Care

I was standing in the kitchen, refilling a once-a-day pill box when my 16-year-old son asked me, “Will I have to fill my own prescription once I’m 18? How do I do that?”

He takes daily medication for his ADHD, and at 16, he’s thinking about the future daily. I explained that once he’s a legal adult, his medications, appointments, and managing his prescriptions will be up to him.

The idea made me gulp, especially considering how much I do for him every day (I mean, as we had this conversation, I was putting meds in tiny plastic compartments for him to take every morning before he goes to school), but I know I’m trying to move my teens in the right direction to take responsibility for their personal well-being and self-care.

Why Teaching Our Teenage Sons About Self-Care Matters

Self-care is a cultural hot topic. For women, self-care may conjure up images of manicures and bath bombs on one side of the spectrum, and regular exercise, sleep hygiene, therapy, and preventative medical care on the other end.

Our culture tells women to take care of themselves—after all, if they don’t, who will? Female self-care is about nurture and empowerment.

As I thought about the ways I’m teaching my boys to be responsible for themselves, I realized that self-care isn’t really a concept that is applied to men in our society.

It should be, but it isn’t. Is it because culturally men have mothers, wives and girlfriends to take care of them, so they don’t need to think about the ways to take care of themselves?

Ooof! As a mom of four boys, including two teenagers, I want to change this narrative and help my teenagers take on the responsibility of caring for themselves in both nurturing and empowering ways.

Self-care isn’t just for women. Even more so, if we teach and model genuine self-care to the boys and young men we are raising, we are empowering them to care for themselves instead of being dependent on the women in their lives to take care of them in ways that they can (and should) care for themselves in adulthood.

4 Lessons About Self-Care to Teach Teenage Boys

1. Self-care is a habit, not a one-time thing

Just the other night, I frowned at my son’s greasy mop of hair and asked, “When was the last time you showered?” His answer made me groan.

Just like showering daily (or every other day for-the-love!) is a habit that takes practice, learning all the other healthy self-care habits takes practice too.

It can take years to help our sons learn hygiene habits, how to clean a bathroom and load the dishwasher, and that eating fruits and vegetables not only taste good, but they also help your digestive system to move smoothly.

It’s so easy to get lost in the weeds of these daily reminders and lessons but as my teens are getting older, I’m trying to remind them of the big picture.

You are going to have a house or apartment of your own one day, and you need to learn how to clean, tidy, and care for your space—and the public space—on a daily basis because that is what adults do.

You need to take care of your body because if you don’t stay clean, get enough sleep, and take care of your teeth, you’re going to get sick or get cavities.

You need to develop your own internal reminders to schedule breaks from your screens and social media because your neck, your eyes, and your mood will all feel better if you stretch, get some sunshine, and have a screen-free hour (or more) in your day.

My hope is that by narrating “The Why” of these self-care habits to my teens, I will help them internalize the big picture—not just during adolescence, but through adulthood as well. The goal is to for them to not just see these tasks as a random Saturday chore, an annoying reminder to shower, or “mom-being-mean-again-and-telling-me-to-get-off-the-xBox,” but instead, see such self-care activities as a top priority in their lives.

2. Self-care includes your body and mind

Our culture is making progress when it comes to helping our young men develop emotional intelligence, but we still have a long way to go. Teaching our boys to name and express their emotions, normalizing mental health issues like anxiety, and de-stigmatizing seeing a therapist for mental health needs are some of the ways we can help our sons develop and strengthen their mental health and steer away from detrimental consequences like coping with substance abuse or self-harm.

Worldwide statistics reveal the sobering fact that men, and especially young men, are more likely to die by suicide because of specific cultural narratives surrounding emotional and mental health. I’m passionate to help my teenage sons develop self-care that encompasses not only their bodies, but their minds and hearts as well.

In truth, some self-care habits for the body directly translate to self-care for the mind too. In our family, we often encourage our sons to engage in physical activity—not for getting better at sports or building muscle or for looking a certain way—because it is good for their mental health.

When a teenage foul mood threatens to disrupt the entire family atmosphere, it’s time to take a walk, or run, or lift some weights. Get your body moving; breathe in and out; get your endorphins back into a good place.

(Do they like to take the little mental health walk? No, they do not. But we’re building self-care habits for life, right?).

We also really encourage our teenage sons to talk about what’s coming out sideways in their lives. When they scream at their siblings and violently shove everything off the table so they can “do their homework”, we’ve learned to dig deeper. It’s usually not just “little brother won’t shut up and I can’t concentrate.”

By digging deeper, we’ve uncovered massive stress about tests, performance anxiety, fears of failure, bullying at school, and complicated relationships with friends by leaning into conversations that get to the root of the problem. We want our teenage boys to learn how to manage their emotions and talk about what’s going on inside and not bury it. One-on-one drives are really good for these conversations too.

Prioritizing emotional and mental wellness for our teenage sons takes a lot of work as parents and (I’m not going to lie) it’s exhausting. But helping them develop emotional and mental self-care by learning how to talk about their emotions, anxiety, and relationship challenges, is shaping them into men who will be able to work through the big stuff instead of drowning in the silence that leads to depression, substance abuse, self-harming behaviors, and more.

3. Self-care is about what helps you FEEL your best (not just what you like to DO the best)

One feminine narrative about self-care promotes little luxuries like dark chocolate, manicures, and bubble baths. Most women know that true self-care goes a lot deeper than special treats, comfort or indulgences though. Instead, the idea of self-care that I want to pass along to my kids is that self-care helps the person feel like his or her best self, not just engage in activities that are fun or luxuriant.

For example, my sons love to play video games for hours, but doing what they love to do best isn’t necessarily self-care.

Instead, I want to teach them about the balance of work and play, exercise and rest, and nourishing foods and treats and how all of these pieces together develop health, balance, and resiliency.

Learning mindfulness about what we need to flourish as individuals is the heart of self-care. Teaching teens self-awareness and mindfulness techniques like meditation takes time, patience, and many conversations. Remember—their brains, bodies, emotional intelligence, and communication skills about what they want and need are still developing.

For now, I’m trying to lead by example and offer a hearty dose of suggestion for exercise, healthy eating, and a balance of their favorite hobbies and activities, with breaks for work and rest.

4. Self-care is not just about YOU

When I brought up the idea of self-care with my husband, our conversation turned to medical care. He addressed the cultural difference between men and women when it comes to preventative care and going to the doctor.

“I think a reason that men resist going to the doctor is that preventative care isn’t ‘built in’ for men in our society, at least until you hit your 40s and have to start doing all the tests,” he made a face. “But until that time, unless it’s for a sports physical, guys just don’t go to the doctor for any regular reason.”

I thought about all the ways regular check-ups and preventative care are built into the lives of women: pregnancy wellness visits, regular pap smears and breast exams, and more. Women are usually (not always!) the ones who take children to their regular wellness visits at the pediatrician too. Going to the doctor is more of a normal thing for women and we are more likely to go when we feel sick too.

It was an eye-opener to realize that going to the doctor as a form of self-care for a check-up or sickness feels so uncomfortable for men because preventative care is usually female-focused. Men usually resist going to the doctor when they are sick because it literally is a foreign concept in their normal lives, which means they are left to cope with all of life’s stressors—mental and physical—on their own.

I want to change the narrative for my sons, though (especially when they are feeling under the weather) for their own physical health, yes, but also because self-care when you are sick isn’t just about you.

Shortly after this conversation with my husband, he made an appointment to see his primary care provider because he had been suffering from a cold that was turning into a sinus infection and settling into his lungs.

And a huge reason he made the appointment was because I was worried about him. He got a few prescriptions from the doctor to help him feel better, but more than that, I was relieved that he didn’t have walking pneumonia.

Taking care of ourselves is important for our health, both physical and mental. Self-care also lets our loved ones know that we are responsible for ourselves—they don’t need to nag or worry themselves to death about our well-being because we are responsible adults who take care of our needs when they arise.

Teaching my boys to take care of themselves as a personal responsibility that lies within the context of their loving family and friends is a lesson I want to press upon them while they are teenagers.

Medical self-care may not be the norm for most men in our society, but taking responsibility for yourself is a way to grow in maturity and self-awareness for both your own health and the health of your relationships with others.

Normalizing Self-Care for Boys and Men

When I asked my teen boys if they had ever heard of self-care, they said yes, and defined it as, “taking care of your body, like eating and exercise. And taking care of your mental health too.” I asked them if their friends, and specifically their teen guys friends, practiced self-care and they laughed loudly and said no.

Self-care may be a buzzword for women in our culture, but learning self-awareness, personal responsibility, and caring for your body, mind and emotions is something that people of every age, gender and expression need to learn.

I’m working with my sons daily to help them mature into men who know that self-care isn’t just a fad or slogan in our culture but a practice that both women AND men need to be healthy and functioning adults.

If you’re looking for more resources on parenting teens, we recommend Life Skills for Teens: How to Cook, Clean, Manage Money, Fix Your Car, Perform First Aid, and Just About Everything in Between by Karen Harris.