Author and family therapist Virginia Satir once wrote, “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.”
This makes sense to me, but what do you do with a teenager who does not want to be hugged, touched or acts annoyed at your very existence?
Many teens pull back from physical touching during the teen years.
I remember it happening with my own three teenagers. One day they were sitting on my lap with their heads on my shoulder, the next they were shrugging off my touch at every juncture.
It broke my heart at first. I missed them running through the door and into my arms each day. But then, I realized it was healthy for them to be creating personal boundaries, and it was my job to respect them. On a positive note, once we went through a few awkward years, physical touch became more common between us again.
It is very common for adolescents to reject hugs or other forms of physical affection from their parents or other adults starting as early as age nine. The reasons vary, and may include:
- Wanting to feel more grown-up and independent.
- Feeling more awkward and aware of their own bodies.
- Desire for physical privacy during puberty.
- Control over intimacy with others.
- Uncomfortableness with expressing or understanding their emotions.
Understanding that their pulling back from physical affection is not personal rejection is important for parents of adolescents. It also is a great opportunity to talk about consent. You want to teach children from an early age that you have the ability to say, ‘I don’t want to give a hug. When you start to force someone to do something they don’t want to do, it creates a sense of shame and lack of respect for personal boundaries. Honoring your child’s desire not to give you a hug is a great way to show them respect (and love.)
Related: 4 Healthy Ways to Support Your Teens When They’re Upset
Do teenagers need hugs?
The short answer is maybe. There is science that says hugs and other forms of physical affection can have several benefits for teenagers:
- Emotional support: Hugs can provide emotional stability and reassurance during stressful times. Considering the mental health crisis among teenagers, offering hugs when they are sad, stressed, or anxious is a good idea.
- Bonding: Hugging and physical touch can strengthen bonds between teenagers and their family members.
- Reduce stress: Hugging and other forms of physical touch, such as brushing hair, rubbing a back, etc. has been shown to reduce levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, and promote feelings of relaxation and well-being.
- Improve mood: Hugs can trigger the release of oxytocin and serotonin, neurotransmitters associated with happiness and positive mood, which can help teenagers feel happier and more content.
With all that said, hugs are not the only way to provide those benefits. While there isn’t a specific daily quote of hugs that teens need to meet, what is important is to ensure they have opportunities for emotional support–whether that comes from physical touch or in other encouraging ways. Focusing on heart-to-heart connection, open communication, and creating a supportive environment that focuses on boundaries and unconditional love is what really matters.
Related: Comforting and Stress-Reducing Gifts to Help Your Anxious Teen
How to show love when your teen doesn’t want hugs
Every teen is different, and often they go through phases that can change day by day. One afternoon they may not want to be near you, and later that evening they plop on the couch and put their head in your lap.
This can be frustrating to a parent who simply wants to connect with their teen. It’s important to keep in mind that their teen brain is still developing, their hormones are surging, their communication skills may be lacking, and their emotions may feel out of control.
Unfortunately, this means we have to take our cues from our kids. Take comfort in knowing that they may not know what they need at any given time either, and giving them space and time to figure it out (and loving them through it all) is a gift that can cement your relationship for the rest of your lives.
The most important thing to remember during this time is you should ask before hugging. You may want to say something like, “I’m so glad you are home, can I give you a hug?” Or, “I know you’re upset. Do you mind if I give you a hug?”
Here are a few ways to show your teen you love them when a hug is out of the question:
- Verbal affirmations. Be specific whenever possible. “I love how I saw you help your sister yesterday with her math homework.” Or, “I admire the way your worked so hard on the field yesterday.” And say the words “I love you” often. Even if they don’t say it back, they’ll carry it around with them wherever they go.
- Give a high-five or fist bump. My neighbor’s son went through a phase where he did not like physical touch. His mom backed off, but they had a deal that they could high five or fist bump when they were excited or wanted to celebrate. They even came up with their own handshake.
- Sit side-by-side. Sitting in close proximity is a great way for your teen to feel your presence without hugging. When watching a movie or show, see if you can sit on the same couch.
- Help them out. When possible, try to do something kind for them without expectation or request. Maybe you finish a chore, clean up a mess, or make their lunch. You may get a side hug or a big smile as a reward.
- Light up. Whenever my teens come home from school, I stop what I’m doing and light up. Sometimes I’ll say something like, “What’s up Sunshine!” or “It’s my favorite part of the day when you walk through that door.” YES, they sometimes roll their eyes, but most of the time they laugh and return my smile.
- Cook or bake their favorite. Food is such a great way to show someone you care.
- Surprise gift or gesture: Picking up their favorite coffee drink or surprising them with the lip balm they just ran out of is a great way to show you care.
- Look up. Teens are very aware if we are giving them are undivided attention. When they walk into a room, acknowledge them by shutting your computer or putting down your phone.
- Show up (whenever possible). No matter what you say, try to show up for them, no matter how big or small the event. Nothing says I love you more than taking the time to show up for them.
- Support Their Interests: Show interest in their hobbies, passions, and aspirations. Ask questions and see if they can teach you more about them.
- Let them choose. Let them pick the music for the car or where to go to dinner. Maybe even let them have input on where to take a family trip.
- Surprise them. Get concert tickets to their favorite band, take them to a new coffee shop, or window shop downtown, but you plan it out by doing something you know they will enjoy.
- Text funny memes or heartfelt messages without expectation. They may not respond in kind, but they’ll read them.
- Offer to brush their hair or give a shoulder massage. This can be a good entry way into more physical touch.
- Say yes. Surprise them by saying yes or extending a boundary to show you trust them.
- Write handwritten notes. Slip them into their lunchbox or tape it to their mirror in their room.
- Share a personal item. This might be a good time to give a favorite piece of jewelry or clothing to them. My husband shared his old college sweatshirt with my daughter and she treasured it. After receiving it, it was the first time she hugged him in a month.
- Get vulnerable. Share personal stories and experiences so you can try to relate to each other.
- Ask their advice. Teenagers want to feel valued and respected. Asking their advice or for help demonstrates you are looking to them in a more mature way.
- Look beyond the hug for physical affection. If you think it is appropriate, give your teen a pat on the back, quick squeeze of the shoulders, or a little side bump. For many teens, these are less embarrassing and more acceptable while providing some physical touch.
If you’re looking for more resources and tips to help you through these tumultuous teen years, we recommend Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love by Whitney Fleming.
Parenting teens and tweens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. Here are some posts that might help:
Why Don’t Teenagers Seem to Make Plans Anymore?
How to Teach Kids to Lead With Empathy, Not Judgment
Teens Hate These Five Questions, So Ask These Instead
How To Help Your Teen Survive All The Drama
* This post contains affiliate links where we earn a small commission for sales made from our website.
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