Recently, I was sitting on my couch, computer open and staring at my phone when a text popped up. It was from a teenaged client struggling with anxiety. She wrote something to the effect of “how do I make myself do my homework? I know I need to, but I am just too lazy.”
Part of me wanted to laugh since the reason I was staring at my phone was that I, too, was procrastinating. I wanted to be working on an article I was in the middle of writing, but I couldn’t quite motivate myself to open the document. My phone was much easier.
I don’t think there is a person out there who hasn’t found themselves procrastinating at some point. Some of us more than others. I am a particular fan of what I have termed “productive procrastination.” That is when I do something productive like organizing my linen closet instead of doing the more pressing, time-sensitive task I am avoiding. I rationalize that the productive task needs to be done, but the truth is, that it really doesn’t.
Procrastination is not an easy habit to break, particularly for unmotivated teenagers with no life experience
Calling yourself lazy actually makes it harder to break. The task is made even more difficult when teenagers hear adult voices calling them lazy. In general, insulting ourselves and others reduces motivation rather than increasing it. In the case of procrastination, it is also an inaccurate insult. Procrastination is rarely a problem of laziness. It is actually a difficulty with emotion regulation.
We put things off because it is difficult for us to tolerate a feeling that the activity brings up for us. In my case and my client’s, we were procrastinating in order to avoid the anxiety evoked by what we needed to do.
In my client’s case, she is a high-achieving student who has fallen behind while she struggles with panic attacks. Doing the homework, she is very capable of raises her anxiety in the short-term because she is confronted with the knowledge that she is behind.
My procrastination was fueled by the anxiety I feel when I don’t know exactly what I want to write. I hate staring at a page when I am stuck! It makes me anxious and a bit insecure about the possibility of failure. Writing is fun for me, but uncertainty is not!
Procrastination isn’t a personality flaw or a time-management issue, but a way of coping with challenging emotions and negative moods induced by certain tasks — boredom, anxiety, insecurity, frustration, resentment, self-doubt and beyond. We procrastinate because our short-term need for mood repair outweighs our longer-term need to complete the task. This need is even greater in adolescents whose emotions are less manageable. Many teens are using procrastination as a maladaptive way to ward off some of their unpleasant emotions.
I will openly admit that I have not found a cure for this behavior, as is evidenced by my recent procrastination as well as the difficulty therapists have assisting clients to eliminate the habit. However, I do find a few approaches helpful for myself and I encourage parents to apply them in handling their teens’ procrastination.
4 Ways To Help Your Teenager Who Procrastinates
- Try to be mindful of what emotion your teen is avoiding instead of what task (s)he is avoiding. In that way, you can work together on soothing the emotion instead of either parent or child focusing on the “lazy” insult.
- Explain to teens the fact that avoidance reduces the emotion in the short-term, but only increases it in the long term. That encourages them to confront the activity with the knowledge that they are saving themselves from longer-term discomfort.
- I am a huge fan of setting up small rewards as motivation. Plan a fun activity for when your teen is finishes, and reward smaller steps on the way to completion with small rewards (I like a chocolate break). Encourage your teen to set up their own rewards.
- Most importantly, set smaller goals to allow a feeling of success. We are much more motivated to continue when we feel we have accomplished something. For example, I encouraged my client to set a goal of completing one math problem instead of telling herself she had to completely catch up. She knew she could do that and could, therefore, avoid the anxiety without avoiding the task completely.
Our teens will likely continue to procrastinate at times. We will too. Yet everyone will make more progress in breaking the habit if we separate the act from the label of “lazy.”
This is a contributed post by Alisa Crossfield. She is currently enjoying the roller-coaster ride of parenting a teenage son and teenage daughter. She is also a Clinical Psychologist practicing in Westport Connecticut. Her private practice focuses on adolescents and young adults with emotion dysregulation as well as parent consultation. Her professional and personal roles serve to inform each other. She shares these experiences in a personal blog entitled “Psychdiary” and a Psychology Today blog entitled “Emotionally Healthy Teens.“