It occurred to me early this morning, when my teenage son literally grunted at me upon being asked if his morning chores were done, how similar to newborns our teenagers can be. And, I suppose, if you consider the massive changes they underwent fresh out of the womb, compared to the monumental changes they undergo when morphing from children at adults at lightning speed, it makes a great deal of sense…
When I considered this thought, I tried to come up with as many ways as possible that our teenagers reflect their newborn/toddler baby selves. Here are a few:
10 Ways Teenage Boys Are Like Babies
1. They refuse to sleep through the night.
I actually think my babies slept better than my teenagers! My boys, nearly 14 and soon-to-be 12, typically stay up later during the week than I do. Enforce bedtime, you say. Take devices away, you self-righteously judge. Here’s the deal. I have tried everything. The truth is that when I escape to my bedroom bliss at 9:00 p.m., those boys are crafty enough to figure out how to out-smart me on bedtimes. Even with no electronics, the TV off-limits, and phones put to bed in the charging doc, short of restraining the little elves (who are both bigger and stronger than me at this point) to their beds, I simply cannot contain them!
I have tried to make a deal with them that they can do whatever they want, from the confines of their bedroom (read, listen to music, anything not relying on an electronic device) if they are unable to sleep. Some nights it works, others it doesn’t. I often have to ask myself this very important question: Is this a hill I want to die on, or should I choose a more significant battle to fight?
2. They have to eat every three hours.
Like a newborn, my two sons are always hungry! I could literally feed them dinner and they sneak back into the kitchen less than an hour later. They are hollow-legged, energy-trolls that cannot get enough food to sustain them. The grocery bills do not lie! Boys eat, often, a lot, and quite honestly, a teenager’s moods are far less volatile if they are fed! So bring on the bacon, mommas, we have an army to feed!
3. They randomly scream about nothing in particular.
My two sons have bedrooms on one side of the house and mine is on the other. It is a beautiful thing, that separation, especially late at night (see #2). Whether it be a video game, a group chat with friends, or a minor/major brotherly scuffle, I tend to randomly hear shouts, yells, an occasional cuss word, in which I may or may not feel the need to intervene. I tend to give every scream a few resourceful minutes, to see if there is crying, more shouting, or the sounds of destruction from a falling house which comes afterward. If not, I assume all is well and go about my merry business….sometimes, ignorance is bliss!
Related: My Pre-Teen Son Is the One With All the Powerful Emotions
4. They go through laundry like a celebrity.
My youngest son had severe acid reflux when he was a baby. He had a very healthy appetite but would projectile vomit after every meal, often requiring a complete change of clothes (for him and for me). Now that he is 11 and his brother is nearly 14, their rooms both appear to have been struck by a tornado, scattering every single piece of clothing they own across the room to where you seriously cannot even see the floor.
Whether it is numerous wardrobe changes due to sports, scouts, to get more comfortable after school, or because they are boys and they just tend to sweat a lot, we go through more laundry in my house than an army barracks in a foreign county. Okay, that may be a tad dramatic. But moms of teens, you know what I am talking about! It is simply outlandish the amount of clothes, laundry, water, and deodorant these boys go through in a week!
5. They behave better for their grandparents than their parents.
I am so thankful my boys have such wonderful relationships with both sets of grandparents. I honestly don’t even mind that the grandparents seem to have absolutely no issues with my sons when they spend time together. Recently, we were having lunch with my parents. My mother, my sons’ Grammy, asked my son the exact same question that I asked him earlier that day. He was pleasant and cordial with her. (My response was a grunt, followed by: ‘I don’t want to talk about this!’). My eyes grew wide when I saw the way he sweetly, like a precious little cherub, responded to his grandmother, with thoughts of a much different response easier that same day toward his mother. His only defense: ‘Well, she’s my Grammy, of course I’m going to be nicer to her!’ Hmmmmm. Okay then…..
6. They find their own bodies (and body functions) comedic.
I really do not need to expound on this, do I? The same way baby boys get tickled when they release gas or pee into their momma’s face while she is changing their diaper, older boys think every sound, growth, pre-and-post-pubescent bodily change is absolutely hilarious. Never mind that it is normal and happens to every single boy in the history of humanity. They are proud! And they enjoy sharing that pride with others, often at the most inopportune times. I would say, thank goodness they outgrow this ridiculous display of immaturity, but wives know as well as moms, they simply don’t. Ever.
7. The outgrow clothing at exponential speed.
My sons were both incredibly large babies. They never fit into all the adorable newborn and 0-3 month clothing we received at the gazillion baby showers we had. It made me so sad! However, when I realized how quickly babies grow, I stopped investing so much money in the name brand designer baby clothes that they would likely wear for only a few weeks until they outgrew them. The same is true for teenagers, although by this time, they are far pickier about what they wear than the baby version of themselves. Not that the same hoodie and sweatpants my teenager has worn for four days straight isn’t also an indication of his wardrobe choices….
8. They speak an unfamiliar language parents don’t understand.
Just like new mommas quickly learn the baby babble of a newborn, how to differentiate between an angry cry, a hungry cry and a sleepy cry, moms of teens and tweens often find themselves maneuvering a minefield of unfamiliar teen slang. I have given up trying to understand what the newfound modern phrases and words mean. On occasion, I will throw one out there in a public setting or around their friends, just to see how embarrassed they may get. Then I question myself, not fully knowing if what just came out of my mouth was appropriate.
9. They are entertained by the most bizarre things.
Much like babies can spend ours staring at a moving mobile, seeing themselves in the mirror, or watching Callou on TV, my teens watch the most bizarre YouTube shorts. Literally social media influencers cooking or working out or doing the most mundane things. And these people are millionaires (according to my sons). I don’t get it and I probably never will……
Related: Raising Teen Boys Takes Loads of Patience, Grace, and an Open Heart
10. They need music to soothe them.
Music is a language that soothes the soul. I still feel that way at my rife old age of 44. My boys both enjoyed music a great deal as babies and young toddlers. They enjoy it just as much now as a pre-teen and teenager, only with slightly differing artists and genres. As much as I love music now, I believe the most impact it had on me was during my teen and early adult years. I see that playing out in my sons and it makes me smile, knowing that music is a language that speaks straight to the heart of the daily angst of transitioning from a boy to a young man.
And finally, when you least expect it, those gangly growing awkward teenage boys will give you the most precious innocent smile, or an unexpected hug/cuddle that translates to every mother’s top tier love language. Their charm is off the charts. No matter how much work they require or how stinky their attitude (and bedroom), those big ole teenage boys never fail to work their way into a mother’s good graces. Simply because they single handedly struck her heart with an arrow of love years ago when she held him in her arms, looked deep into those mesmerizing baby blues, and listened to the soft soothing sound of his sleepy breathing in the early morning hours.
Yes, teenagers often revert to their most basic form of humanity. Which, ironically, is when they needed their mothers the most. And I would argue that as teenagers, they still very much do need those same medicine-man-mommas that once soothed anything and everything under the sun for their precious and adored sons.
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Parenting teens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:
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