Parenting a teenager is a constant state of change. These not-quite-adults in adult-like bodies are flooded with hormones and their brains are in an almost constant state of development. They vacillate between acting fully independent and confident and appearing hopelessly incompetent. This sometimes can make it difficult to trust them to make responsible decisions and to stand back and let them take charge of their lives.
Even though studies now show that adolescent brains continue to develop through approximately age 26, societal norms dictate that one “becomes an adult” at age 18. (We won’t discuss the incongruity that some “rights” are not granted until age 21.) While it is of course a good idea to teach your child the skills he or she will need to be independent early on, once they turn 18, there are six things that parents will find difficult, if not impossible to help them navigate.
Six Things that Change When Your Child Turns 18
1. They Gain Exclusive Control of Their Records
Once your child turns 18, it is up to them to handle things such as immunizations and other health care decisions. In addition, HIPAA (Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act) is a privacy act that mean parents lose the right to access their children’s medical information. (Note that rules about health records vary by state; the age of medical consent may depend on a variety of factors and can be as young as age 12). In addition, regardless of who pays for it or whose name is on the health insurance plan, insurers will only speak with the patient about claims.
Talk to your child about what this means. They need to be aware that if they need help due to an illness or medical emergency, your hands are tied unless they sign a HIPAA waiver or power of attorney, allowing you to have access. Many medical professionals ask patients if they would like to sign a waiver form granting permission for them to discuss diagnoses or treatment with designated individuals. Even if it’s not offered, you might suggest they ask for such a form. (You might also consider speaking to lawyer or getting durable power of attorney forms online, for example through Mama Bear. If interested, use code PTT20 to get 20% off.)
Related: You Need These Important Legal Forms When Your Child Turns 18
2. Their Education Is Fully on Them
Parents are responsible for ensuring their children receive an education. It is a parent’s job to get their children to school and to monitor their progress. Ideally, as they get older, this oversight becomes less, and by the teen years, students are largely independent. In some ways, school grade portals have done a disservice, making many parents too accustomed to having 24-7 access to their child’s progress. Some parents are used to frequent communication with teachers and may inadvertently take on too much of the responsibility of making sure work is completed.
Under FERPA (Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act), parents can access their dependent child’s high school educational records even after they turn 18, but college or trade school progress and transcripts can only be discussed with a parent if a student has signed a FERPA waiver. Again, it doesn’t matter who pays the bills, the student controls this access as they turn 18 and/or transition to college. Some parents are surprised to learn they will not even see final grades unless the student chooses to share such information. Teens should understand that they are responsible for their schoolwork and for addressing concerns directly with teachers. Parents can help coach them on advocating for themselves if they feel one has been unfair.
You may also want to read: 10 Important Things Parents Should Never Do for Their College Freshman (parentingteensandtweens.com)
3. They Control Their Finances
Some parents put off lessons in financial literacy until their child opens their own bank account, but teaching teens the value of money should be a regular lesson that begins early. Individuals who don’t pay for most of their everyday expenses (such as housing and food) often don’t realize how much these things cost. Many parents open a bank account for their small children, often a savings account that doesn’t have fees, as allowed through the Uniform Gifts to Minors Act (UGMA). But parents may not realize that these accounts transfer to their owner (the child) at age 18. This means that they will be able to access (and withdraw) these funds on their own, without a parent’s knowledge.
It’s important to talk to your kids about any money in their name and what your expectations are on how it is spent. You, and they, should be aware that when converted to a regular account, service fee waivers may no longer be in effect. If there is a substantial sum, you might want to consider other avenues for the money, such as a trust, or investing in their future with an IRA (if they are working). Also make them aware that if they incur debt or have to cover rent, car payments, etc., it is their responsibility to pay it—their credit history and any activity tied to their social security number is now theirs to own.
A durable power of attorney can also help your child manage their finances during this young adult phase. We know of people who needed to help manage finances because their child was out of the country, as well as when it comes to the complexities of a trust. Find out more information on a financial Power of Attorney here.
Related: Teens Should Begin Their Investment Journey Now—Here’s How to Get Them Started
4. They Don’t Need Permission for Piercings or Tattoos
In some families, piercings or tattoos have become a constant battle. There are many reasons a teen may want one or more and many reasons a parent may object. State laws vary on the subject of tattoos; some require parental permission for those under 18, others ban it altogether.
Once your child reaches 18, whether to get a body piercing or tattoo is completely up to them. Of course, you are free to voice your opinions and concerns, but as they are legally considered adults, these decisions are completely up to them. As with other controversial topics, sharing your thoughts and opinions with your teens is most effective when done in a calm and open-minded way. Ask them why they want this particular piercing or tattoo and what is so appealing about it. Mention any concerns you have (they may not have considered the downfalls) and listen to their rebuttal. While you can go the “not under my roof” route, consider whether you will follow through if they decide the risk is worth it.
5. They Assume Greater Legal Responsibilities
The legal system is set up to protect children. Recognizing their emotional immaturity, minors cannot sign legal contracts. If they break the law, they are held responsible for their poor decisions, but for the most part, these infractions do not stay on their permanent record. This all changes once they turn 18.
Particularly if you have an impulsive child, make sure they understand the legal ramifications of signing a contract. Encourage them to read the entire thing to make sure they understand what they are promising. Point out that signing a lease, purchasing a car, or even adopting a pet is a long-term financial commitment and what the penalties are if they don’t honor their obligations. If you have a child who tends to flout authority or one who just barely stays within the limits of the law, you might want to point out that having legal misbehavior on their permanent record will cause them long-lasting grief and can impact their ability to get a job or an apartment.
6. Their Life Decisions Are Theirs to Make
One of the big struggles of parenting a teen is coming to terms with your diminishing ability to determine what your child will do, where they will go and who they spend time with. For most of their lives, parents have control over what their children do. But once they turn 18, a parent can only exert as much influence as their child accepts; the final decision is up to the new adult. Sometimes the decisions are big ones that can have lasting effects, such as moving in with a significant other, changing a major, quitting school or a job, or choosing to register for the military.
Parenting experts tell us that parents’ thoughts and opinions matter to teens, more than anyone else in their lives. This makes it important to share our opinions and values with them. Those awkward conversations about sex and drugs can impact their attitudes and behavior. Sharing our awkward-teen stories, mistakes and failures can help them forgive themselves and learn how to move forward. Talking about hopes and dreams (theirs and yours) can help them see future possibilities. These conversations can not only empower them, but also make it easier for parents to turn over the reins and sit back and observe the new people their children become.
Preparing Yourself for This Change
These legal changes don’t necessarily mean your day-to-day will change much. Just because your young adult doesn’t have to come to us for permission or advice doesn’t mean they won’t. (Many parents have shared that their newly-minted adults continue to ask permission to go places and need to be reminded that they are now adults.) And when you consider that their brains are still developing, any uncertainty or ambivalence about “adulting” is actually developmentally appropriate. Turning 18 is a milestone, a bridge to adulthood and parents can struggle to accept that some aspects of their children’s lives are suddenly “off limits.” But it’s also a bridge to a new relationship, one where you are more peer than parent, where you can sit back and marvel at the adult your child has become.
Preparing your teen for the transition into adulthood?
We recommend Life Skills for Teens: How to Cook, Clean, Manage Money, Fix Your Car, Perform First Aid, and Just About Everything in Between by Karen Harris.
Parenting teens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:
9 things to do in the teen years for a solid relationship with your grown son
It’s Not “Just Pot” — Why We Need to Be Concerned About Today’s Marijuana
This Is Why Teen Girls Are So Mean to Their Mothers
10 Commons Battles that Will Destroy the Relationship with Your Teen
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