Inside: It’s a common complaint of nearly every parent of adolescents: My teen is always in their room and never comes out! We asked tweens, teens, and parents about this issue, and here’s what they told us.
Is your teen in their room “too much”?
This is such a common complaint from so many parents, and often a cause of worry. Not only is it hard on our hearts, but the sudden lack of communication can cause our imagination and anxiety to run wild.
The truth is, however, that teens spending more time in their rooms can be developmentally normal. Some reasons adolescents spend more time in their room can include:
- Seeking independence: Teens naturally want more space and privacy.
- Need to decompress: School, social stuff, and general growing-up stress can be draining. Your teen may want time to mindlessly scroll or watch a show.
- Introversion: Some teens genuinely feel more recharged alone.
- Hobbies: Gaming, reading, drawing, or just vibing with music.
- Focus: School work, chatting with friends or a significant other, or hygiene can take a big chunk of a teen’s time, and they may just want to focus on themselves a bit.
In general, you most likely don’t need to worry as long as there have not been any sudden changes in your teen’s behavior. Some warning signs may be:
- Avoiding family or meals consistently
- Not engaging in any social interaction (even online)
- Dropping hobbies, slipping grades, or skipping school
- Mood changes like irritability, sadness, or withdrawal
- Poor hygiene or major sleep pattern changes
- Strong resistance to even small social outings
If you do have concerns, we recommend trying to remain calm and casual about them. Gentle check-ins about how life is going, staying available so they feel secure (meaning don’t spend all your time in your room with the door closed just because they are), and keeping tabs on their health and well-being can help you stay connected and ease your worries. (You may also like to read: Signs Of Teenage Depression And How To Help)
Also, it’s a good time to talk about balance. Some members of Gen Z have been trying to say that bed rotting, a trend being discussed on TikTok, involves staying in bed for extended periods—not to sleep, but to do passive activities like eating snacks, watching TV, and scrolling through devices. While some our trying to name it as “self-care”, it’s important to discuss more valuable self-care tools and coping mechanisms with your teens.
25 Tricks to Get Your Teen Out of Their Room
That being said, if you want to get your teen out of their room, there are some ways that you can encourage it. It’s not enough to simply tell them you want them to spend more time outside of their room; you have to make it a habit and make it worth their while. Here are a few ways that have worked for us as parents, as well as some suggestions from tweens and teens.
1. Food
The way to any heart is often through the stomach, so do what it takes. I know simply buying a gallon of ice cream or making some cookies could get my three teens out of their rooms in a flash. Oftentimes, we’d eat dinner and then my three would jet to their room to study or do something else. A simple yell up the stairs of, “Does anyone want some dessert?” would often get them to come back downstairs for a stint.
2. Keep gaming in common areas
My friend’s son often complained during high school, but the gaming consoles stayed in the living room. Not only did this enable her to keep an eye on the time he spent on it, but it allowed her to stay connected to him by asking questions about certain games or even learning to play with him!
3. Date your big kid
Dating isn’t just for romance. It’s for anytime you want to get to know someone better. We took advantage of buy-one-get-one free events at Starbucks or other chains to spend some quality time together, or we tried to take them to things that fueled their passion, such as free concerts, window shopping in a new town, etc.
4. Make televised sports or other events a big deal
One working mom of four teens told me that she made an “event” out of sporting events, meaning they would have a special meal, everyone would wear shirts, and they’d have a custom dessert–even though she didn’t love sports! At the end of the day, it was about spending time together as a family, so she went all in.
5. Watch a series together
My daughter’s senior year was filled with an hour every night where we watched an episode of a series together. We watched Gilmore Girls and Friends because of how much time I talked about both, and we also watched Outer Banks and Euphoria because it was what her peers were watching. Each one gave us an opportunity to connect and the time spent was so valuable.
Need some ideas? Try: The Best Netflix Shows for Tweens and Teens Families Can Enjoy Together
6. Plan a trip
Traveling with your teen can be one of the best parenting decisions you ever make. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive, but ask your teen to get with you to plan an excursion or a road trip. Maybe you find a few places to stop on the way to Grandma’s or you involve them in planning the family vacation. Go to the bookstore to browse some travel guides or do some research together. It’s a great way to bond and spend time together.
7. Eat meals together
One of our family house rules that was non-negotiable was Sunday night dinner. Unless there was something on the schedule we couldn’t move, this was standing family time. Whenever possible, however, we insisted whoever was home ate together, and eating in your bedroom wasn’t an option. They could study at the table while eating if they were cramming for a test, but eating meals was a non-bedroom activity.
8. Set tech boundaries
Let’s be honest, for most of us, we hate that our teens are in their rooms because we know they are on their phones. Setting some simple tech rules, such as no phones in bedroom past a certain time, simple tech time limits, and social media guidelines, can solve a lot of this. We know that they won’t be happy about this at the time, but you’ll be amazed at how much time your teen will spend outside of their room if their technology is not in it.
Related: Setting These 3 Boundaries Improved Everything with My Teens
9. Be the hang-out house
Let your teens have their friends over, get to know them, and embrace them. Yes, there will most likely be a mess and you may have to pay extra for snacks, but it is so worth it.
Related: Connecting with Your Teen’s Friends Is the Best Parenting Advice I Can Offer
10. Focus on fitness
Teens today are so much more health conscious than we were. Help them get a gym membership, see if you can set up an area in your house for working out, encourage them to go for walks or hikes, show them some good fitness apps to exercise at home or buy a used basketball hoop or other sports equipment.
11. Be the ride whenever possible
Offer to take your tweens or teens to the mall so they can windows shop, to a park, or another venue where they can meet their friends or get out of their room. It’s tough for kids who feel too old for playdates yet don’t have access to transportation yet. As annoying as it may be, take the time to drive so your teen will get out of their room.
12. Encourage nature
We love a good sunset in our house, so I was thrilled when my daughter asked if I could take her and her friends to a local park so they could taking some selfies during peak sunset hours. They enjoyed it so much that they soon were trying to find some other nice outdoor venues, such as by a local river, some waterfalls, a stone bridge, etc.
13. Let them eat cake
One of my neighbors has two daughters and a son. She told me that her girls had no interest in baking, but her son did, and it was something they did together a few times a week or on his own. He would make fancy cookies, cakes, and even pies, and eventually, his sisters started learning how to decorate them.
14. Movie Night
Whether you go out to the theater or rent something at home, be ammenable to watching something your teen is dying to see. I never expected to watch all the Marvel and Star Wars movies, but if it meant that I got my teen daughter out of her room and time with her, I was willing to do it!
A few ideas:
18 of the Best Mother-Daughter Movies that Nail These Complex Relationships
15 Of The Best Movies On Netflix for Teen Boys
30+ Inspirational Sports Movies to Connect with Your Teen
The Best Tween Movies To Stream
The Best 80’s Teen Movies Every Parent Should Watch With Their Teens
15. Encourage them to find a part-time job or do extra chores for money
Does your teen want a car or a new phone? Encourage them to find some ways to earn some extra cash, such as a part-time job, providing special services such as babysitting or shoveling sidewalks, or even doing extra jobs around the house, such as cleaning out the garage, gardening, etc. While every tween/teen should have certain home responsibilities, it is okay to pay them for proects you would outsource or need to get done, such as mowing the lawn, running errands, weeding, etc.
16. Volunteer
While some tweens/teens have to do this as part of a service organization or class, encourage your kid to find something to do to give back, and bonus if you can do it as a family. Not only are service projects good for adolescents to grow compassion and understanding, but they also can help them acquire skills and build their resume or college app.
17. Learn a new hobby/skill
One of the few bright spots of the pandemic lockdowns was how many kids learned something new to fill their time. One of my daughters taught herself how to sew from YouTube and another took virtual guitar lessons. Not only is this a great way to get them off their devices, but it also helps them with their mental health. A few ideas include learning the stock market, music/dance/art lessons, crafting, gardening, knitting/sewing, cooking/baking, learning to juggle, building something, woodworking, mechanics, etc.
18. Consider a pet
I know, I know, you may not want to have anything else to take care of, but if your adolescent has expressed interest, making them a deal that they need to take care of it could have enough sway to get them out of their room. Even getting them to walk the dog or change the cat litter can get them out of their room for a bit.
19. Beverage runs
Most teens will never turn down an opportunty to grab a specialty coffee, Boba tea, or milk shake,
20. Errands with incentives
One of my friends said she got her teens, fraternal girl/boy twins, to run errands with her by promising a little fast food pick me up after.
21. Create a fun outdoor space
A very clever and handy dad we knew built a treehouse that his teens still use to this day because it is decked out with outdoor pillows, games and other fun things. While this might be a little too elaborate for people like me, you can still create a fun outdoor space for your teens that include a portable fire pit for s’mores, comfy chairs, a space for outdoor movie viewing, portable speakers, and a few tiki torches for bugs and extra light.
22. Take advantage of themed venues
Consider going to Top Golf or a local go-kart place. Or, maybe there is a pottery-painting store or arcade. Look for coupons and then plan a time to either drop them off or go with them.
23. Game night
Not every kid will act excited about this in the beginning, but many will love it by the end. Whether it’s something old-school like Monopoly, family poker night using Goldfish as chips, or something more active like PopDarts or Capture the Flag, you can usually find an option your teen will get on board with eventually!
24. Stay local
Last summer, I was shocked when my teens told me they wanted to go to the zoo to see a new lion it acquired. We had such a blast, and decided to tour a few other museums, parks, gardens, and landmarks.
25. Watch the calendar
There are often many events that take place that may get your teen out of their room. Music festivals, Art Walks, Farmer’s markets, concerts, etc. may be just the thing to get them to leave the comfort of their bed.
A Few More Tips to Get Teens Out of Their Rooms
While there are teens who will say no to almost everything, don’t ever stop asking. They need to know that you are there for them, and you never know when you might get that yes.
Lastly, model the behavior you want to see. Show your teen that you value quality time together as a family by including them in the process–and by participating in activities they enjoy. Lead by example by employing good tech habits and staying in common areas of the house. And most of all, let them know that you love spending time with them, and that you value their role in the family
Don’t make it a battle, but with a little patience, persistance, and creativity, you may find that they start asking you to hang out doing their favorite activity.
Parenting teens and tweens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. These posts can help:
Setting These 3 Boundaries Improved Everything with My TeensThese Five Things Will Make Your Teen’s First Job More Successful
When Your Teen Thinks They Know Everything (And You Know They Don’t)
This One Surprising Skill Can Help Your Teen Be More Successful
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