This is a contributed post by Whitney Fleming, co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens and author of the upcoming book You’re Not a Failure: My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either.

It’s one of the toughest parts of raising adolescents: that moment when you feel like your teen hates you.

It might start subtly, like they avoid your presence like the plague or head upstairs the minute you come into a room or find your mere existence embarrassing, so they stay away from you in public places.

It might be how they look at you with daggers coming out of their eyes every time you open your mouth.

Or it could be more overt. They may suddenly turn into different people you barely recognize. The words that come out of their mouths may be laden with disdain or disrespect. Or, perhaps they even say the simple words: “I hate you!”

While my teens never uttered that exact phrase, I definitely felt it. We had some battles that were not pretty, and to say I wasn’t proud of either of our behaviors is an understatement (You may like to read: This Is Why Teen Girls Are So Mean to Their Mothers)

But no matter how the feeling is portrayed, it can be an incredibly lonely and sad experience for a parent, and it may leave you wondering what you can do to resolve it.

Does My Teen Hate Me? Understanding Teen Emotions

The short answer is no, your teen doesn’t hate you. The long answer starts with the simple fact that adolescents have a lot of emotions, sometimes all at once, and this can make having a relationship with them challenging.

As a parent, there are few things more gut-wrenching than feeling like your teen might hate you. I know I’ve felt that way more than once. The eye rolls, the slamming of doors, and the quietness that fills the room whenever you are together can all make it seem like there isn’t much love in your relationship.

Navigating your child’s adolescence can often feel like a rollercoaster ride—one filled with unexpected twists, turns, and sometimes, heart-stopping drops. One day, you can feel like you have a close relationship with your teenager, and the next, it can feel like you don’t even know them.

In those challenging moments when you are both angry or disappointed, when communication breaks down, when you start wondering where you went wrong, you might ask yourself, “Why does my teen hate me?”

Trust me when I say this: you’re not alone.

It often starts with a slight shift in their behavior. Your teen may want to spend more time with their peers, in their bedroom, on their phone, or really any place where you are not. This rejection by your teen can feel painful so we try to hold on, which causes them to push us away and exert their independence and individuality at every opportunity–and at the expense of your relationship. This can create a constant tension, a tug-of-war that never ends. The result is a strain that seeps into every pore of your being.

When you’re feeling like nothing is working with your teen, it can be tough to change your mindset so you can positively change your relationship, but that’s exactly what you need to do. And it starts by trying to understand where they are coming from.

The complexity of teenagers

Parents will complain about disrespectful behavior, mood swings, irrational outbursts and a general feeling of discontent; teens will talk about a parent’s desire for control, yelling, ridiculous rules, and a lack of trust. What often is happening, however, is misunderstandings, a failure to communicate, and an inability to regulate emotions.

While I don’t ever believe in being your child’s doormat, it is helpful to look beyond the behavior and find out the why behind their actions. Let’s look at what might be really going on with your teenager, and more importantly, what we can do about it.

The adolescent brain

It is impossible to discuss the whirlwind of teen emotions without first addressing what’s going on in their brain (for a great article on this, read The Best Way to Understand Your Teen’s Behavior Is to Start with Their Brain (parentingteensandtweens.com)). It’s important to remember that growing up is a process, not an event, and you may not be sure where your adolescent child’s brain is in that long road of construction. For sure, though, that cerebellum still needs some work.

The way your teen is responding to you could have a lot to do with their brain and where they are at developmentally with their social and emotional maturity. The frontal lobe (PFC), which isn’t fully developed until the mid 20s, operates in the areas of reasoning, self-control, judgment, decision-making, processing complex information, logic, and creativity. It also controls their understanding of social norms and awareness of the consequences of their behavior. The PFC also functions mood regulation, memory storage, and personality development. This is the part of their brain that is not fully developed.  

This means that our teens are often operating on high emotions and low reasoning/common sense.

For some, these areas of the brain are extremely malleable and teens can easily adjust to the cause and effect of their actions. For other teens, not so much. So, if you think your teen hates you, it could have more to do with their inability to manage their emotions and moods more than anything else–or at least this could be part of it.

Hormonal Changes

Hormones can be a major player in anyone’s emotions (just ask a mom of teens going through perimenopause!) The surge of hormones can lead to mood swings and irritability. It’s not that they hate us; they might just be struggling with feeling overwhelmed, anxious about friendships, out of control with something that happened at school, or frustrated at some changes occurring in their body.

Complicated relationships with peers

Repeat after me: It’s not always about us, even when they’re taking it out on us.

It can be complicated to be a teen or tween today, especially with social media, academic pressures, friendship drama, and negative news in their faces 24-hours/day. Teenagers deal with immense social pressures that we can hardly imagine. From fitting in and maintaining friendships to navigating social media, these pressures can lead to anxiety and frustration and those feelings have to go somewhere.

Sometimes, we become the unsuspecting targets for their wrath or their safe space to release all their pent-up emotions from the day. I’m not saying it’s right, but I am saying as parents, we should be the ones helping them learn how to deal with these feelings appropriately. We have to remember that our teens may have personal problems they are managing, and they may not feel comfortable talking about them yet. They need us to give them the benefit of the doubt and a whole lot of grace.

The Ongoing Quest for Independence

As parents, we want to guide our teens, but they are also trying to assert their independence. That means when we say no, they may not like that answer, or when we try to set some boundaries, they may not like that either. When this manifests into rebellion or distance, the goal has to be finding some middleground. Remember, it’s their job to test boundaries, it’s our job to help them learn how to stand on their own two feet. That means it is a constant dance of gives and takes.

Lack of communication skills

I remember being so frustrated with my daughter in her early teen years. I took her silence as venom and an affront to our relationship. Truth was, however, that her communication skills were sorely underdeveloped, and most of the time I don’t think she even knew what she was feeling. The result was frustration, arguments, and less communication when you in fact need more.

Sometimes as parents we overcommunicate because we don’t think our teens are listening, or we shut down because we don’t think there’s a point. It’s the hardest part of being a parent–we must model the behavior we want to see. That means we need to say what we mean and mean what we say.

Who parents become

Tough love time: are you someone that you would want to be around if you were a teen? Are you constantly stressed and yelling? Do you complain and criticize all the time? Do you lecture nonstop and turn everything into a teachable moment?

Do you act interested in what they are interested in? Do you talk more than you listen? Do you encourage?

I’m not judging because I did a lot of those things myself. Sometimes, it seems like our teens hate us because we are showing them our struggling selves instead of our best selves. Sure, we don’t need to be cheery all the time, but we should remember that if every time our teen walks into a room we give off negative energy, why would they want to be in the room?

Social media/video games

I wish it weren’t true, but if your adolescent spends an inordinate amount of time online, it could impact their relationship with you and others. It’s important to set some simple tech boundaries with your teen (such as no phones at the dinner table or a set time for video games), explain to them why they are important, and also adhere to them yourself. (Related: 10 Ways to Get Your Teenager to Stop Checking Their Phone)

Five steps to take when you feel like your teen hates you

First, we have to recognize that this phase may be temporary. Growing pains during these years are real, and not just for teens, but how we respond to our kids at their most challenging can make a difference in our long-term relationships with them.

Second, we have to remember that we are the adult, and they are still the child. Our job as parents is to model the behavior we want to see, not stoop to their level because we are angry, hurt, or feel rejected.

Lastly, we need to give ourselves lots of grace. This type of relationship may bring up old insecurities or traumas, may fuel our anxiety, or may even make us depressed. We need to focus on taking care of our own emotions before helping our teens with theirs.

Feeling like your teen hates you can be incredibly isolating, but there are steps we can take to improve our relationship

1. Stay available and open to any form of communications

Creating an environment where your teen feels safe to express their feelings is essential. A good way to do this is to agree not to talk when emotions are high, and instead try to initiate conversations when things are calm. Ask open-ended questions and really listen to their responses.

I found it helpful to set some rules of engagement when it came to family communication. At a family meeting (a.k.a. dinner one night) we wrote down five rules about how we would communicate each other. They included no yelling, limited sarcasm, and the option to say, “I need to take a pause but I commit to returning to the conversation.) These rules worked great, even if it was frustrating for my teens to call me out on my own behavior sometimes.

If your conversations often go off the rails, try sending a few kind text messages throughout the day instead. Keep it simple like, “Good luck on your test today!” or “I really appreciated that you took the garbage out before school.” Maybe send a few memes or a funny video. Whatever shows you care and notice them.

Most importantly, ensure they know you are accessible, even if you believe they don’t want to be around you. This means closing your laptop or putting down your phone when they are in the room, staying in common areas of the house, or inviting them places (even if you know they will say no.) It’s about establishing connection, not perfection.

2. Give space and patience in abundance

Remember, just because they’re acting distant doesn’t mean they hate you. They might be trying to figure something out on their own, or may need time to process their new emotions. Patience is key. Give them space when they need it, but also let them know you’re there for them whenever they’re ready to talk.

3. Don’t overreact

It’s easy to get in a rut during these years and overreact to every behavior, poor choice, or disgruntled statement your teen makes. Instead of freaking out or reacting defensively, try to acknowledge and then walk away letting them know you will talk about it later when you are both calm.

Recognizing their feelings can go a long way in establishing a trusting relationship. You might say something like, “I can see you’re upset, and I want to understand why. I can check in with you in a few hours if that works.” Or, if they lash out at you, you might say, “I am sorry you are upset, but I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I don’t think you would like it either. I’d really like to be here for you. When you’re ready to talk, I’ll be in my room.”

And sometimes, you just need to ignore it. Teens know exactly how to push our buttons so there is no greater power than simply sidestepping the behavior and getting on with your day.

4. Set Boundaries with Love

While giving your teen autonomy is important, setting healthy boundaries is equally crucial. It’s okay to establish rules and expectations, but ensure they are communicated with love, understanding, and respect.

5. Work on yourself

While it can be painful to believe your teen hates you, we also have to ask ourselves if our own issues are getting in the way, too. We have to take a good look at our own mental health by recognizing our emotional triggers, dealing with our past relationships and issues, and developing coping mechanisms for stress, anxiety, and fear of the unknown.

We also need to separate out their choices from our own self-worth. At this point in parenting, we cannot take credit for their every accomplishment, just as we cannot take responsibility for every poor choice.

I always tell myself that taking care of myself is the best gift I can give to my family.

Seeking Professional Help

If you feel like your relationship with your teen is deteriorating despite your efforts, it might be time to seek professional help. A family therapist can provide valuable insights and strategies to improve communication and strengthen your bond.

It’s okay to feel confused, frustrated, or even heartbroken at the relationship with your teen; however, with patience, compassion, and love, you can navigate this wild ride–and maybe even come out the other side with a stronger and more loving relationship with your child.

And when you feel like you are the lowest point with your teen, remember it’s just a phase–and that as long as you have breath in your body and love in your heart, your relationship can be rejuvenated in the best possible ways.

Looking for a book that will help you feel less alone during these challenging years of raising teens?

We recommend You’re Not a Failure: My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either by Whitney Fleming. With this book, you can flip the narrative about raising teenagers by taking control of your emotions and responses to create a loving, supportive relationship.

Parenting teens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. These posts may help:

Why We Need to Let Our Teens Struggle

House Rules to Teach Teens to Be Safe and Respectful

Dear Parents: You Are Not a Failure-It’s Just Hard Raising Teenagers

Punishment vs. Consequences: Why One Works Better for Teens

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