Inside: It’s basic knowledge that seventh grade is often the toughest year of middle school, but what if there were some things you could do as a parent to make it a little bit easier?
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I am 42 years old and still shudder when I think about the seventh grade. I recall the relentless teasing by this one boy, the fights with my parents and the endless time spent with my bedroom door closed listening to Alanis Morrissette. In the midst of this adolescent misery, there were moments of joy, and I can reflect on this turmoiled time with wisdom I lacked during these middle school years. Still, the impact of this formidable era remains, and I projected those feelings onto my son.
As his sixth-grade year ended last June, I felt the anxiety build in my stomach. I remembered how miserable I was, and how I displaced my adolescent rage onto my mother. I began preparing myself for what I was sure would be the hardest school year yet for my child and myself. I anticipated moodiness, sulking, and the constant battles I had long heard accompany puberty.
Related: Middle School, The Hardest Years of Your Life As A Mom (So Far)
Seventh Grade Doesn’t Have to Be the Worst
Hoping to ease upcoming challenges, I shared my seventh-grade struggles with my son and reminded him of the support he has at home. I informed him of the difficulties of adolescence and how this might be a hard year for him, especially because his school day was no longer limited to studying in one classroom with a small group of the same students (as is standard for all fifth and sixth grade classes at our local middle school) and would now include going to multiple classrooms and being with new students, or as I call it “real middle school.”
The first sign of potential trouble came when my son received his list of teachers. When he shared it with some of his older friends, they warned him about his would-be Social Studies teacher, saying he was the most demanding of the lot. Before he even began seventh grade, my son already felt like it would be his worst year.
Except it wasn’t his worst year. That difficult teacher is one of my son’s favorites, and his achievements in this class earned him a spot in Honors Social Studies next fall. As for the social aspect, while there have been some strains on old friendships, my son has maintained his close relationships with kids he’s known since kindergarten while branching out and forging new bonds with students from school and extracurricular activities. (Related: 8 Ways to Help Your Middle Schooler Develop Healthy Friendships)
Of course, there were hard times, but the fact that we got through this year mostly unscathed makes me wonder if it was just luck or something more. The adolescent struggle that has plagued seventh graders since the dawn of time (OK, the dawn of “middle school) isn’t going anywhere; however, I believe these things can make this time easier for both parents and their kids.
Tips to Make Seventh Grade A Little Bit Easier
1. Respond To Your Middle Schooler’s Unique Needs
My recollection of my own struggles in seventh grade helped me be more empathetic and attuned to my son’s potential challenges. There is no one way to respond to a child who is coping with the trials of adolescence. After many frustrating moments of walking away feeling sad and defeated when I couldn’t help my son through an ordeal, I learned what he really needed was the acknowledgement of his feelings and the space to solve his problems himself to build resilience. I also made sure my son knew he could come to myself or his father with any issues or questions weighing on his mind.
2. Let Go of Preconceived Ideas about how Seventh Grade Sucks
Sharing our own personal struggles with seventh grade might seem like a good way to prepare our kids for the challenges they will face that year. However, as my own son reminded me, our kids’ struggles are not our struggles. I am grateful my son didn’t let preconceived expectations detract him from approaching seventh grade with an open mind.
Our children are growing up in a very different world and have their own blend of personal and environmental elements to contend with. What made seventh grade difficult for me and my peers is not the same for seventh graders today.
3. Setting Tech Boundaries Can Provide Support for Seventh Graders
Allowing middle schoolers access to phones and text or messaging apps has many disadvantages. For my son, however, I can say, the ability to communicate with his friends, especially his camp friends that he did not see every day, helped him tremendously this year. If he was having a tough day, checking in with his core group of buddies, even if it just meant sharing silly memes, eased his spirit and improved his mental health.
The dangers of smartphone use are well documented and even simple group chats can become toxic. However, with proper management, boundaries, and mentoring, I think it can be a healthy tool to help kids find connection and support with the peers. For parents who are not ready to give their child their own phone, there are plenty of alternatives to enable your seventh-grader to communicate with their friends in a safe manner. (Editor’s note: We like the Bark Phone. It is not clunky like other “kids” phones, and since every family, and kid, is different, the Bark Phone allows you to add and remove the parental controls you think are best.)
Related: Group Texts Are the Worst for Parents of Middle Schoolers
4. Encourage (But Don’t Push) Them To Try New Things
This year my son wanted to try out for the varsity tennis team. Because this was a high school program, he was required to pass a rigorous fitness test before try-outs. He came very close, but ultimately did not pass. Instead of letting this defeat him, he committed to improving and is eager to try again next year.
This sane year, my son also decided to join a swim program. Though he was one of the older kids in his level, he wasn’t discouraged and continued to work hard at bettering his skills. My son took it upon himself to invest in tennis and swimming, and I believe having this sense of agency and feeling that these are truly “his activities” gave him the confidence and self-esteem boost kids really need at this time of life.
Middle School Requires a Different Parenting Approach
There is no rule that says seventh grade must be the worst year of middle school. Plenty of kids struggle in sixth or eighth grade, or even for their entire middle school career. I may have made it through this year unscathed, only to be facing down a torrential storm of adolescent anger, puberty and angst next fall.
And I know the ensuing teenage years will bring even tougher challenges. I worry about how my son will handle greater exposure to drugs, alcohol and sexually explicit content. I worry about how he will cope with his first heartbreak and whether he will make smart decisions behind the wheel.
Though I can’t shield my son from every hardship he will face, I can use the lessons learned from this year to help him (and often me) address them in a healthy and productive manner. I expect to be completely humbled by what I am sure will be major life events I could never anticipate.
I trust the same empathy and understanding I employed to support my son throughout his life will guide me.
Are you looking for more encouragement for raising your teens and tweens?
Check out this book, You’re Not a Failure, My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either, by the co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens, Whitney Fleming. It addresses the many challenges we face as parents today and how we can tackle them to have better relationships with our big kids.
Parenting teens and tweens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. These posts may help:
Tired of Teen Attitude? What’s Behind those Eyerolls
8 Ways Back-to-School Changes When Your Kid Starts Middle School
15 Positive Affirmations To Say With Your Middle Schooler
9 Ways Parents Can Help Their Child Build Executive Function in Middle School
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