Unlike young children, teens question and challenge parents a lot. And they should. We want them to be independent decision-makers and learn to think for themselves.
But sometimes they resist any restrictions put on them and flat-out ignore rules and boundaries. There are a lot of reasons they may do this, such as:
- exerting independence
- trying to find their own sense of self
- frustration with something else in their life
- desire for control
- see how far they can push.
When you have a teen who is constantly pushing back, it can make it easy to fall into a pattern of constantly engaging in a battle of wills. But sometimes it’s better, both for your relationship and your own blood pressure, to just let it go. Some battles aren’t worth fighting.
Keep in mind that much of the turmoil of adolescence is temporary and will work itself out before adulthood (and sometimes ignoring rather than engaging makes them come around faster). Additionally, you want them to build resilience during these years.
Of course, as their parent, issues related to safety and overall wellbeing are non-negotiable, but here are ten fights parents of teens don’t need to have.
Related: Six Boundaries for Teens They’ll Thank You For Later
As parents, there are battles we need to fight, no matter what. House Rules and guidance on alcohol consumption, drug use, and safe sex are constants.
But what about when your teen daughter shaves the side of her head? Or when your teen son has rolled his eyes a few too many times today? Sometimes, these are battles we don’t need to fight and buttons we don’t need to push. Plus, picking your battles with teens means they’ll have to fight some on their own and learn life skills that will benefit them in the long run.
Sometimes when we try to prove simply who is in charge, we end up in the weeds. We have to remind ourselves that in order to raise a productive, respectful adult, we have to give our kids respect and the opportunity to make decisions–and suffer consequences–on their own.
That means being flexible to understand their different perspective–no matter how ridiculous it sounds to you.
But it also means that we have to let our kids grow up a little and start making decisions for themselves, with some guidance and within certain bounds, of course. That means instead of constantly saying, “I know what’s best for you,” we have to start asking our kids, “What do you think is best for you?”
10 Battles to Stop Having with Your Teen
1. Their personal appearance
It’s normal for teens to want to experiment with new looks (especially if it will irritate their parents). These experiments may be “trying on” new concepts and redefining their own identity, or they might simply be trying to get a rise out of the grown-ups in their lives. Before you react, stop and think about why you don’t like their new look. Is it because it’s different from what you would do? Are you worried about what others will think and say? Or is there a good reason to object? Teens often make what many of us would call “interesting” choices, but some things simply aren’t worth arguing about.
Also think about it from their perspective. Sometimes when we are overly critical of their appearance, they hear, “I don’t like who you are.”
2. Their hair
They may change up the length, style, or color. Complaining about their choices will likely only cause them to dig in harder. You may worry that this may impact their ability to get a job, and this might be true, but maybe that’s a lesson they need to learn. And remember that this is one physical change that is not permanent. If they want to dye their hair blue or shave the sides, let them. After all, hair grows, and hair color isn’t for life.
Some kids want to change their hair because they feel like it’s a form of expression, while others feel like it gives them a sense of control in a world that feels completely out of their control. Always ask your teens why before you answer. You may be surprised at their response.
3. Clothing choices
Your teen may choose to dress like his or her peers, or go another route. While you can share your opinions and refuse to purchase clothing you don’t approve of, trying to dictate a teen’s wardrobe is futile and often leads to sneaking around behind your back. They have their own money and will buy what they want (or borrow from a friend). If they want to wear mismatched socks, refuse to react. If they leave the house in shorts and without a coat in the winter, they’ll have only themselves to blame if they are cold. Plus, remember—they’re teens. Whatever style they wore yesterday might not be the same tomorrow.
Related: The Powerful Reason Why I Learned How to Pick My Battles With My Teen
4. Body piercings
If they want a second (or third) ear piercing, don’t cause a fuss. Maybe even consider taking them yourself to make sure it is done professionally (to minimize the risk of infection). While you may have legitimate reasons to object to other body piercings, share any health concerns but know that merely stating your disapproval without sharing your reasoning may fuel their determination. In the end, even if you don’t like the piercing, compromises on things like this can go a long way in strengthening your relationship.
5. Their friends
While you may immediately know that your teen’s new friend is trouble, someone that will lead them down a path you are frightened even to consider, think twice before forbidding the relationship, or even mentioning your suspicions. The quickest way to get a teen to do something is to tell them they can’t. There are things you can do when you don’t approve of a new friend, like encouraging your child to set boundaries, but fighting with your teen is not productive. Keep the lines of communication open, talk about values and listen. People eventually show you who they are—give your teen the chance to see that this new “friend” is anything but.
6. Messy bedrooms
While there are limits to how messy is acceptable, most teen bedrooms have some level of chaos. Of course, you should enforce any rules (such as no food in bedrooms) and ask if they would like help organizing their things (some kids struggle with executive function skills and appreciate the help), but if the state of their room causes tension, just shut the door. Lots of teens leave towels all over the floor—they’ll someday realize the value of picking them up!
7. What they eat
Yes, you can control their meals at home, but teenagers eat away from home, a lot. It’s always a good idea to talk about good nutrition and make sure healthy snacks are available, but having disagreements on their poor food choices will at best irritate them, or at worst, can contribute to or exacerbate an eating disorder. (You may also like to read: These 5 Unhealthy Eating Habits Can Contribute to Your Teen’s Poor Mental Health)
8. “Rude” behavior
Teens, through time, have engaged in behavior that some people see as being rude and disrespectful, such as using a particular tone, refusing to talk, being sullen, spending too much time on their phones, or not making eye contact. But sometimes the expectations put on teens are unrealistic and adults complaining about them can also be considered rude. While there may be times to insist your teen be cooperative and “pleasant,” teen hormones simply don’t allow them to “be good” all the time. It’s okay to sometimes ignore antisocial behavior; we all have difficult days when our emotions get the best of us.
We also encourage parents to get curious, not furious. Oftentimes there are reasons behind the behavior that your teen may not even understand just yet. They could have had a run-in with a friend, been bullied or embarrassed, or treated poorly by an adult. They may be processing this information and not even realize how they are taking it out on you. While we should not be our teen’s doormat, we can give them some grace and approach the situation with compassion instead of aggression.
Related: 4 Healthy Ways to Support Your Teens When They’re Upset
9. Sleeping in
Research has shown that teens need more sleep than younger children and that their circadian rhythm keeps them from falling asleep early enough to meet that need and still wake up to go to school. “Catching up” on sleep really is a thing and unless there are important obligations, allowing your teen to do so on weekend mornings can benefit both their physical and mental health, especially if they are up late doing homework during the week.
10. Career aspirations
Teens are learning much about themselves and the world. They are being exposed to a large number of career possibilities (many of which did not exist when they were babies) and it’s normal for them to explore interesting options. You may know that a certain career won’t work for your child (for example, a surgeon for one who can’t stand the sight of blood or a rock star for one who can’t carry a tune), but they will probably come to that conclusion themselves. It can be hard as a parent to resist pushing your child on a path that you “just know” would be perfect for them, but if they don’t share the same goal, success is unlikely.
Save your battles for the important stuff
The most important reason we need to be wise about picking and choosing our battles with our teens is we want them to listen to us when it’s important. If we are constantly fighting with them on the small stuff, how will they know to pay attention when it’s important. We don’t want them tuning us out. We want them to hear our voices when they need to make important choices
The teen years are when our children really start to grow into the adults they will become. If we take a step back and observe, rather than jumping to react, we may be able to see glimpses of their future. We know what they don’t: young people still have so many experiences ahead of them that none of us can predict where they will go and what they will do. Pushing them may result in them pulling back, and taking a path that they otherwise wouldn’t have, sometimes to their detriment. Choose your battles wisely.
Are you looking for more encouragement for raising your teens and tweens?
Check out this book Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love by the co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens, Whitney Fleming. The book contains 55 relatable essays about raising tweens and teens in today’s modern and chaotic world.
Parenting teens and tweens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:
8 Genius Responses For When Your Teen Is Being Lazy And Entitled (We Say in Our Head)
Why And How To Stop Taking Your Teen’s Attitude Personally
This Is Why Teen Girls Are So Mean to Their Mothers
My Teen Won’t Come Out of Their Bedroom
*This post may contain affiliate links where we earn a small commission for purchases made from our site.
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