Six Boundaries for Teens They'll Thank You For Later

When I was a teenager back in the stone age, my mom had all sorts of rules.

I had a standing curfew that could not be broken (although I did have a strong set of excuses in the instance I was late.) “Nothing good ever happens after midnight,” my mom would always say.

I also had limits on how far I was supposed to go from home, who I could be in a car with, where I could stay the night, and a few mortifying rules on dating, including both my parents meeting the guy before I left the house.

I also needed to turn in all my assignments for school, finish my chores before going out, and earn my own spending money.

I HATED these rules.

I felt like my parents were constantly babying me, and I often snuck around behind their back. I pushed their limits because they dampened my fun. Plus, I was a teenager and already knew everything.

It wasn’t until much later in my life that I realized my parents gave me the greatest gift they could have given me.

What are boundaries, and why are they important in the teen years

In simplistic terms, boundaries are that invisible line that helps you determine your behavior. or how you want to be treated.

During childhood, and especially during the teen years, parents often set boundaries to provide structure, guidance, protection, and a sense of security for their kids. These “limits” often help teens to stay safe and develop their self-worth.

Boundaries are important for many reasons, including:

Safety and security: setting boundaries on activities or behaviors can help keep your teens safe.
Responsibility: outlining expectations when it comes to schoolwork, chores, family rules and earnings can help teens develop life skills and a strong work ethic.
Healthy relationships: Boundaries teach teenagers about how to treat others and how others should treat them. Interpersonal boundaries can help with respectful treatment in friendships, romantic relationships, and other social interactions.
Emotional well-being. The teenage years can be rocky. Boundaries can provide some stability when the rest of the world seems out of control. Knowing that there are certain standards for respectful communication, adherence to family rules, and keeping a safe space can give your teen some stability during a very uncertain time.

While many teens often believe boundaries are just rules that stop them from having fun, establishing and enforcing boundaries helps teenagers develop self-discipline, make responsible choices, and understand the consequences of their actions.

Honestly, boundaries are love.

Setting boundaries teaches teens that they are valued, but even more importantly, that they should value themselves. A teen that understands their boundaries can let other people know who they are, what they stand for, how they want to be treated, and what is acceptable behavior. This can be important as teens start seeking out new friendships and romantic relationships.

In addition to the positives that come with boundary-setting, we have to keep in mind the complexities of the teenage brain and all the significant physical, emotional, and cognitive changes adolescents are going through during this time.

Our teens can sometimes make poor decisions, experience mood swings, and be forgetful, among so many other things on that long list, simply because they don’t have the brain capacity to function effectively and successfully in these areas of their lives yet.

How to get your teen to buy into boundary setting

Let’s be honest; no teenager will ever say, “Thanks, parents, for setting all these rules and ruining my fun!” But that doesn’t mean you can’t make the process a little easier for you both. Here are a few tips:

Establish clear rules and clear consequences.

It is so easy to take the emotions out of enforcing rules when they are clear to both parties. Sometimes even writing these down in contract form can help. There can be no surprises or negotiations when everyone understands the expectations. While this may seem too stringent, it can help make things less volatile.

Ensure all parties are in agreement.

We know that tweens and teens are going to test boundaries. All caregivers must understand the boundaries and adhere to them. If a grandparent or another trusted adult doesn’t want to be the heavy, that’s okay, but make sure they agree that they will inform you when your teen breaks the rules. Boundaries only work if all parties have a respect for them.

Stay positive.

It may sound odd to say, but you should expect your teen to make some mistakes. In fact, you want them to. That’s how they learn. Teens are trying to fit in and trying to find out who they are, and they are more than likely to have a few missteps along the way.

Make sure you separate your dislike of a behavior or action from the dislike of your child. Even when teens do something that is just asinine, we still have to remind them of their good qualities and profess our unconditional love–and then enforce some consequences. Tell them you love them as often as you can – and teens are never too big or old to need a hug.

Include them in boundary setting whenever possible.

Some rules should be non-negotiable, like using a phone when driving or no drinking or using drugs; but oftentimes, we should consider our teen’s point of view on some issues. When they ask to go somewhere, discuss what time might be reasonable for them to return home. If they want to buy something that seems outlandish, ask them why and how they can pay for it. The goal for them is to learn how to set boundaries on their own one day.

Lead by example.

Modeling is the most important thing we can do for our teens. They may seem like they are not listening to us, but they are always watching. The more you show them what healthy boundaries look like, the more they can employ these for themselves.

What type of boundaries should you set for your teen

Boundaries are a very personal thing. They also should be fluid and flexible to each situation. Consider your child’s maturity, past behavior, and family values when setting boundaries.

Here are six boundaries to consider setting for your teen:

Curfews

Many studies have shown that curfews keep teens safe and out of trouble. They also provide a sense of stability for teens and give them an out for peer pressure regarding risky behavior.

While many parents enforce a standard curfew, some experts recommend giving a specific curfew depending on the activity or plan for the night. For example, if you don’t want your new driver cruising the roads, a 10:30 p.m. curfew may be appropriate. If it is movie night at a friend’s house, the normal curfew may be extended. Regardless, make sure it is clear before your teen leaves the house what time they are expected home.

Technology

Setting boundaries around device usage has become the bane of every parent’s existence, but we all know that an increasing number of studies show the link between the use of social media and depression, self-esteem issues and anxiety in young people. Chris Said, a data scientist who has a Ph.D. in psychology from Princeton University and has worked at Facebook and Twitter says, “Social media was like a nuclear bomb on teen social life.”

But, here’s the thing: teens today have never lived in a world where they did not have devices available to them. So, we must set boundaries to help them use their phones and other electronics appropriately.

Depending upon the age of your kids, tech boundaries could include monitoring software (we like Bark), signing a cell phone contract, doing a family digital detox, enforcing a no phones in bedrooms rule, or waiting until high school for social media.

Whatever you choose, make sure you follow the rules as well. Modeling the behavior is half the battle.

Respectful communication

Many parents of teens say that disrespectful communication is one of the greatest challenges they have with their teens.

Setting some simple rules like no name-calling, yelling, and excessively rude behavior can reduce the backtalk significantly. While consequences are important, also try to ignore a snarky mumble or some eye rolling that is just meant to get a rise out of you. There is just no need to acknowledge it or even let my teen know that I cared. Some negative behaviors are just silly, so I tried to focus on the disagreement instead of some of their immaturity.

Also, encourage everyone, including yourself, to take a pause when things got heated. When you can feel yourself getting upset, try to take a moment to collect yourself, or encourage your kids to do the same. That meant taking a few deep breaths, counting to ten, or even walking away for a bit.

Family responsibilities

Each family member should have age-appropriate household chores to teach responsibility and contribute to the family’s functioning. There should also be tasks that they learn to do themselves to develop life skills, such as laundry, basic cooking, organizing, etc. (Check out this great list here: 50 Simple and Useful Life Skills for Teens You Can Teach Quickly)

Another family responsibility is showing up for each other. This may mean your son sitting through his sister’s cheer competition or your daughter attending a show choir event. In addition to important events, there should be designated family time, such as Sunday dinners or movie nights. While it’s natural for teens to want to spend more time with friends, it’s also important for them to show up for family as well.

Privacy and personal space

Teens want privacy, and parents should do the best they can to respect that–within reason. Trust is a two-way street, so if your child knows you are constantly sneaking around and going through their stuff, they will learn that they need to sneak around to keep things from you.

You can show respect for their privacy by instating a few rules like:

knocking before entering
giving them space to talk to their friends
Informing them that you will be monitoring their online behavior or asking for passwords
Asking pointed questions instead of spying on their conversations or going through their stuff.

If you set up these rules, remember that they should go both ways,

School/activity expectations

Set expectations regarding completion of school and homework, preparation, and participation, but do not tie it to performance. The goal is for school and extracurriculars to be a stepping stone to responsibility and honoring commitments, so focus on their commitment, not the end result that may be out of their control.

Boundaries can help you have a better relationship with your teenager

If you work with your teen on creating reasonable boundaries, you can help them become a more confident, respectful, and productive adult.

It definitely isn’t easy, but it’s definitely worth it.

Do you feel alone in raising your teen? This book can help.

When you are in the thick of raising teens and tweens, we recommend Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love by Whitney Fleming. In Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love, blogger Whitney Fleming shares her favorite essays about raising three teenagers in today’s chaotic world. Written from the perspective of a fellow parent, each story will leave you with tears in your eyes and hope in your heart because someone else is saying exactly what’s been going through your mind.

Parenting teens and tweens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. Here are some other posts parents found useful.

10 Important Things Tweens Need from Their Parents Before the Teen Years

There Is Hope On The Other Side Of Heartache In The Teen Years

How to Deal with Teenage Backtalk and Disrespect

Six Boundaries for Teens They’ll Thank You For Later

What are boundaries, and why are they important in the teen years

How to get your teen to buy into boundary setting