This is a contributed post by Cindy Ojczyk is the author of Mom Loves the Dogs More: A Memoir of Family Rescue.
When my first child entered her teen years, I braced myself for the usual bumps in the road—moody mornings, shifting friendships, maybe a little eye-rolling at family rules. What I didn’t expect was how drastically our family dynamics would change.
Our extroverted, A-student kid suddenly withdrew—choosing to spend time on the couch with our dogs instead of meeting up with friends, ignoring homework, and pulling away from us. Simultaneously, our introvert, the one who once bristled at classmates being disruptive, had become the one causing disruptions. Phone calls from teachers became routine.
Related: My Unconditional Belief in My Teen Son Helped Us Through a Tough Year
All the while, slammed doors, icy silences, and sharp “I hate you” replaced the closeness we had once taken for granted. I worried constantly about what our family would look like on the other side of adolescence.
It felt like the rope I was clinging to in order to keep us together was slipping through buttered fingers.
I share our story not because we figured it all out perfectly, but because what looked like misbehavior often turned out to be something deeper.
Related: 6 Tips That Will Help You Deal With Teenage Disrespect
Affiliate Disclosure
Our posts may contain affiliate links where we earn a small commission for products purchased from our site. This money goes to maintain our site and pay our writers and content creators.
“Nothing is Wrong” Often Means, “I Don’t Know How to Say I’m Not OK”
My youngest daughter quickly became known to me and my husband as the ‘nothing’s wrong’ kid. Whenever we tried to check in after noticing a shift in mood, the answer was always the same: “Nothing’s wrong, Mom” or “Nothing’s wrong, Dad.”
Most days she’d bury her face in the couch cushions as if to shut out the world completely. It was frustrating and heartbreaking at once. We knew something wasn’t right, but we didn’t know how to draw her out. Nor did we have the tools to help her open up to us.
Parents often assume silence means everything is fine, but in reality it can mean the opposite. For many teens, “nothing’s wrong” is code for “I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling.”
Emotional Outbursts are Signals, Not Sins
One afternoon I walked into the house to find our youngest daughter and several dogs cowering on the couch. From upstairs came the sound of pounding fists against drywall. My older daughter, who once breezed through school with ease, was struggling with both academics and peers who mocked her acne.
Later that evening in the quiet of her room, tears streaked her face as she confessed, “Mom, I see who I’ve become but can’t get back to who I was.”
That moment taught me something essential: emotional outbursts aren’t about being “bad.” They’re signals. They often point to pain, frustration, or a loss your teen doesn’t yet have words for.
Related: Focus on Offering Emotional Safety During the Teen Years
Relationships Are More Powerful Than Rules
Like many parents, my husband and I defaulted to the way were raised: rewards for good grades and behavior, punishment for poor choices. Chores, homework, report cards, and individual decision making all became part of a system of carrots and sticks.
But as the kids got older, that approach only created more distance. When our oldest ran away after the death of a beloved pet—choosing to escape over reaching out to us—it was a wake-up call. Our kids didn’t feel safe turning to us in their hardest moments.
We realized connection had to come before correction. That meant acknowledging we didn’t have all the answers. We needed to ask for help.
Teen Mental Health Challenges Don’t Have a “Fix-It” Switch
Our first step was meeting with our family doctor, who ordered thorough physicals and lab work to look for medical clues. One child was prescribed vitamin D. Both were referred to a children’s mental health specialist.
After extensive testing, interviews, and feedback from teachers and coaches, both were diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD—one hyperactive, one inattentive. The thick, 11-page reports included strategies for home, school, and medication options. What they didn’t offer was a quick fix.
Parenting through this stage required trial, error, and patience. It was overwhelming, but I reminded myself: ADHD wasn’t life-threatening. My kids’ brains weren’t broken—they simply worked differently and were still very capable.
Related: Helping my Teens Manage ADHD Was a Learning Experience for Both of Us
Stand Up For Their Truth – Even When Others Won’t Understand
As we tried to follow professional guidance, not everyone around us agreed. Some dismissed ADHD as an overused label. Others hinted that medication was an “easy way out.” One administrator even suggested our daughters couldn’t handle mainstream academics and should be placed in special programming.
But with the support of school counselors, family and individual therapists, and our physician, we learned to advocate fiercely for our girls. We weren’t perfect, and yes, clashes continued. But over time they were less frequent, less explosive, and less defining of our family dynamic.
Defiance Often Hides a Deeper Struggle
Parenting teens taught me that what looks like defiance often hides a deeper struggle. Behind slammed doors and sharp words were kids trying to navigate anxiety, grief, and learning differences without the language to express it.
Our job wasn’t to punish harder or set stricter rules. It was to learn and to walk beside them, even when the path was bumpy. By choosing relationship over rigid control, we preserved what mattered most—a family that stayed connected even after our kids left home.
If your teen is acting out, take a breath before assuming it’s misbehavior. Sometimes it’s their way of saying: “I don’t know how to tell you I’m not okay.”
This is a contributed post by Cindy Ojczyk is the author of Mom Loves the Dogs More: A Memoir of Family Rescue. She writes about parenting, family, and the surprising lessons learned while fostering dogs alongside raising teens. Cindy publishes a weekly Substack newsletter, Like People, Like Pets, that explores the devotion we’ve shaped in animals as the mirror of the love and loyalty we long to give and receive. She lives near Minneapolis, Minnesota with her husband, a few quirky rescue pets, and a rotating cast of fosters. Learn more at cindyowrites.com
Parenting teens and tweens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. These posts may help:
This Is How to Handle Teen School Refusal
10 Valuable Lessons My Teens Taught Me About Parenthood
My Son’s Volatile Moods Took Over When Puberty Hit
A Teen’s Messy Bedroom Doesn’t Mean You Are Failing as a Parent
Fantastic article, Cindy. I used to be painfully non-confrontational. Jack needed me to be able to have tough conversations with teachers and doctors and to hear him when he needed help. What the outside world saw as tantrums were his response to physical pain caused by sensory issues, ASD, and sometimes the normal ones because he’s new to being a human. The solution to the majority of them were helping him understand that he has to communicate his pain to me, I have to honor that, and then helping him solve it.