How Can Parents Better Connect with Teen Sons

Inside: Parenting adolescent boys can be challenging for a variety of issues. Discover a few tips from an expert.

This post may contain affiliate links where we earn a small commission for purchases made from our site.

One thing we’ve heard over and over from our parenting community is the struggle many are facing with their teen sons. You may have heard about the “lost boys” epidemic, which refers to the growing number of men who feel left behind by social and economic progress, and are marked as a generation of forgotten males who are struggling to find their footing in an evolving world. These teens and young adults often struggle fitting in at school, the workplace, or other common social situations and feel disconnected from family or community. They often face mental health challenges, economic problems, and identity crises and seek comfort and connection from online sources, such as social media, video games, or pornography. There also is a lot of focus on the loneliness epidemic in men right now.

Since many teens and young men are struggling with “in real life” connections (recent studies suggest that young men and teens alike often state they have either 1 or 0 close friends), many seek out connection on technology. Their deep dive into the online world comes with consequences. One thing many mental health and medical professionals are discussing is brain rot. Brain rot is Internet slang for online content that may slow your brain development. Voted the Oxford word of the year in 2024, so it’s not a medical diagnosis. It’s usually tied to watching specific types of content, usually nonsensical, embarrassing, or weird, but it also can be a gateway to taking lonely teens to more provocative and dangers places online.

A recent study on brain rot published in Brain Sciences revealed “that brain rot leads to emotional desensitization, cognitive overload, and a negative self-concept. It is associated with negative behaviors, such as doomscrolling, zombie scrolling, and social media addiction, all linked to psychological distress, anxiety, and depression. These factors impair executive functioning skills, including memory, planning, and decision-making. The pervasive nature of digital media, driven by dopamine-driven feedback loops, exacerbates these effects.“

It’s important to reiterate that both adolescent girls and boys can be impacted by brain rot, as well as other developmental issues, such as puberty, mental health issues, peer pressure, drugs and alcohol, etc. But it is young men who seem to be struggling more in high school and beyond. Data such as less males attending college or continuing education, statistics regarding employment, and studies about the struggle men have with finding healthy relationships support this.

One thing we know for certain is that teens want and need to feel connected to their families, and especially their parents (yes, even despite the eye rolls and sighs.)

So, what’s a parent to do? We asked Dr. Eran Magen, a father, assistant clinical professor at the Yale School of Medicine Department of Psychiatry, and the founder of ParentingForHumans and DivorcingDads.org, a few questions to help parents cultivate a strong relationship with their sons.

1. How can parents better connect with their teenage sons?

I think all kids, not just boys, do a lot of their bonding through shared activities. And it makes sense: shared activities builds shared memories and a shared language; competing against each other (whether with a board game or on a basketball court) builds respect as well as a sense of safety; working as teammates (on the volleyball court or in a video game) contributes a sense of alliance and improves cooperation. And all of these create opportunities for rich discussions later on, about why things went the way they did, how everyone felt, and what could have been done differently.

The key to enjoying shared activities is doing things that are enjoyable for everyone. And, for parents looking to bond with their child, the secret is to learn to enjoy the things that your child enjoys. We’ve all experienced a transient fascination with fire trucks and airplanes when our kids were young and enamored with these big machines; as their interest in these objects waned, so did ours.

Find out what your kid enjoys doing and, if at all realistic, offer to do the activities together. If none of the activities that your child enjoys are ones you can join, think hard if your reservation is because it is something you can’t do or won’t do, and see if you can convince yourself otherwise. If all else fails, make a list of things that you think would be fun to do together, and spend one conversation going through the list with your child to see if any of those things sound appealing.

But remember: It’s much easier for kids to enjoy activities with their parents if the activities are already inherently enjoyable to the kids. It’s harder for kids to learn to enjoy and appreciate an activity that they aren’t interested in just in order to spend more time with their parents.

2. How can parents of boys model or guide their boys on healthy relationships?

The three big ways parents can teach kids about relationships are through modeling, discussing, and supporting.

Modeling happens when kids observe parents in everyday life, and mimic (consciously and unconsciously) the ways that their parents behave in relationships. There is no cheat code for this: If you want to model healthy relationships, you have to be in a healthy relationship. Work on yourself so you can have the kind of healthy relationship you want your child to learn.

Discussing is another great way to teach healthy relationships. Parents can talk about relationships to illustrate the kinds of challenges, triumphs, goals, feelings, and behaviors that help make relationships healthy or unhealthy. You can talk about relationships you observe (in a movie or a show, or other people you know) or about your own relationship, as long as you make sure not to expose kids to uncomfortable tension between parents, since that’s extremely stressful for kids and can impact them negatively. For example, while it may be very helpful to talk with your son about a compromise you made regarding a family outing, it would be unwise to share your concerns that the other parent is having an affair. When discussing relationships, make your son an active participant rather than a passive listener, by asking questions like “how would that have made you feel?”, “what do you think about the choice this person made?”, “what would you have done in this situation?”, and “what impact do you think this behavior had on the relationship?”.

Lastly, you can help your son navigate his own relationships by talking about them together – if your son is interested. The goal here is to to support him by bringing clarity and thoughtfulness, by validating your son’s emotions and helping him consider his options, rather than reacting reflexively. Remember to praise your son for good choices he made, rather than only focusing on questionable choices. This will help your son recognize that you respect and appreciate him, so he is less worried about sharing challenges and mistakes with you.

3. Boys can be tough to talk to. How can parents best discuss tough issues like pornography?

Some families are very open about sex and sexuality, and for others the topic is unspeakable. Ironically, when a topic is completely off-limits, the chances of developing unhealthy attitudes and behaviors around this topic actually increases because there are no guard-rails and no opportunities to discuss and consider the issue. If you are able to discuss sex and sexuality with your son, it’s a good idea to include pornography in the conversation. (Editor’s note: You may like to read this article by a mom of four sons: Talking About Porn With Teens Doesn’t Have To Be Hard)

Think in advance about the messages you want to convey.

Here are examples of possible themes you may want to discuss:

It’s normal to be curious about sex;
It’s normal to feel sexual desire;
The sex portrayed in pornography can be very different from what sex is like in real life just like shows/movies are generally different than the life they pretend to depict;
Pornography is a commercial product that aims is to connect with fantasies, and not an educational product aiming to teach us about sex;
Like many things in life, overindulgence in pornography can be unhealthy.

For many parents, and for many kids, these types of conversations can be incredibly awkward. That’s okay. It’s very likely you will do a good deal of talking while your son stares, mortified, at every possible thing other than you. But he’ll still be listening.

If you’re the kind of family where sexuality never gets discussed, it’s a good idea to give a heads-up (“There are a few things I wanted to talk about with you that can feel kind of awkward, but are important to say”). You can start with a very easy question (“Do you know what pornography is?”) and then continue from there.

Use your best judgment regarding the kinds of questions you ask, since not all kids want to tell their parents where/when/how often they watch pornography, what they do while watching it, and what kind of pornography they watch. Consider that it’s not even necessarily our business as parents. Much like conversations about sex and sexual health, we don’t need to know every detail of our kids’ experience in order to help them create a healthy framework.

4. How can parents encourage their teen boys to engage in self-care (mental and physical)?

Modeling is a big one, and narrating your own choices about your self-care is helpful too (“Wow, I think I’ve been watching too much news. I’ve been feeling like I need to check the website every 30 minutes; I think it’s time to switch to only checking news twice a day”).

Compliment your son when he’s doing things you approve of, from “I’m really impressed with how consistently you’re exercising” to “Wow, you smell really good!” to “I think it’s great that you talk with your friends when you’re upset”. Point out positive habits and let your son know how you see them. Likewise, you can comment on other people’s positive habits (or negative, if you are so inclined), and perhaps discuss alternative behaviors with your own son (“What would you suggest?”)

It’s also a good idea to explicitly check in with your son on a regular basis, using common language to inquire about different aspects of his wellness such as:

sleep (“how did you sleep last night?” and “how’s your energy level during the day?”)
physical wellness (“how’s your body feeling?”)
relational/social wellness (“how are things with your friends?” and “who are your best friends these days?”)
emotional wellness (“how’s your mood been?” and “what do you enjoy these days?”)
academic wellness (“how are things going at school?” and “what are your most/least favorite subjects at school?”).

If your son answers that things are not going well, ask him for his thoughts about the cause of the challenge, and ask if he would like suggestions for how to make things better.