The following post, written by Paul Sunseri, is adapted from his book Gentle Parenting Reimagined: How to Make It Work with Oppositional and Defiant Kids.
Here’s the truth of it: oppositional kids are notoriously good at arguing with their parents. However, a lesser-acknowledged fact is that parents are equally good at arguing with their oppositional kids. I make a purposefully outrageous statement to parents at the start of treatment, which they never believe at first: You never need to have another argument with your child or teen again.
A conversation, sure, but an argument, no. An argument, by definition, is when two people are speaking, usually with the goal of talking the other person into something or talking them out of it. If one person simply stops speaking, by definition, it’s no longer an argument. At that point, it’s just one person up on a soap box giving a speech or a monologue, albeit a long and passionate one sometimes, but it’s definitely no longer an argument. As parents, we get sucked into a back-and-forth argument with our more difficult-to-parent kids all the time.
As psychotherapist James Lehman once said, “You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to.”
You might also like to read: Five Critical Tips to Defuse an Emotional Teen
Strong-willed and oppositional kids (particularly teenagers) are really good at arguing with their parents. Let’s start with just one way in which they do that, which also happens to be my favorite: red herrings.
What Is a Red Herring?
Often, when we ask a kid to do something that they don’t want to do, they throw out red herrings in an attempt not to do the thing that’s been asked. A red herring is an attempt at distraction, a comment that’s made by a kid that loosely relates to the request made of them with the hopes of talking their parents out of it, or at least stalling as long as humanly possible.
The best way to teach how red herrings work is to give you an example:
PARENT (P): The lawn is looking like it needs to be mowed. Can you take care of that?
KID (K): I did it last time so it’s not my turn.
(P): I think your brother did it last time.
(K): That was the time before.
(P): Pretty sure it is your turn. Plus, he’s not home right now.
(K): He can do it when he gets home.
(P): I’m not sure when he’s getting back. Please just do it, okay?
(K): Why does he do less around here than me? You make me do everything.
(P): He doesn’t do less than you. The chores are equal.
(K): Mine are a lot harder than his. You guys always give me the harder chores. That’s not fair.
(P): He has some harder chores too. Just mow the lawn, would you?
(K): No, he doesn’t. Tell me what hard chores he has?
(P): I don’t know. The bathroom. Why do you always do this?
(K): The lawn mower won’t start anyway. You were supposed to fix it last time so I can’t do it.
(P): I did fix it.
(K): Then how come it doesn’t start?
You can see where this is going, right? Exactly nowhere. Everything the kid said in that example is a red herring. It’s just designed to pull the parent off course and frustrate them, hoping to delay or even get out of mowing the lawn altogether (or even better still getting their parent to do it out of sheer exasperation). In my experience, most parents naturally bite on herrings until they see them for what they are. Only then are they able to successfully avoid getting upset and engaging in such pointless disagreements with their teens.
How Parents Can Spot Red Herrings with Their Teens
The worst thing you can do when your kid throws a red herring at you is to respond to the red herring (and offer a counter-argument), which is exactly what this parent did. Doing so just turns the conversation into a nonsensical back-and-forth that often leads to a heated argument. Once you know what a red herring is and get good at spotting them, it becomes quite liberating because then they seem almost comical, and you can sidestep them easily and remain calm. And once you see red herrings, you can’t unsee them, which only adds to the fun.
The best way to sidestep a red herring is to use words like nonetheless, nevertheless, regardless, in any case, be that as it may, and so on. They all mean basically the same thing. In the lawn example, it would go like this:
(P): The lawn is looking like it needs to be mowed. Can you take care of that?
(K): I did it last time.
(P): Well, nonetheless, it needs mowing please.
(K): That’s not fair, it’s not my turn.
(P): In any case, I’d like you to do it.
(K): I do everything around here.
(P): Be that as it may, I’m not going to argue with you. It’s needs to be done please.
This is the point in which you’d go silent. This is obviously not a real conversation about fairness, or whether chores have been assigned equally. It goes without saying that you should be fair about dividing chores between siblings and not favoring one kid over another. If your child or teen has a valid point about this, then obviously address the concern, but in most cases, fairness is just an obvious red herring.
You might also like to read: How to Deal with Teenage Backtalk and Disrespect
Save Yourself From Frustrating Arguments!
You can see what words like nonetheless and regardless do—they completely sidestep the red herring (the actual content of what the kid is saying) and go right back to your essential point, “Mow the lawn please.” Once you say, “I’m not going to argue with you,” you have to mean it and actually not argue. Now, of course, this doesn’t mean the kid will actually mow the lawn (I’ll teach you later in the book how to get kids to do their chores and all kinds of other things too), but this approach will save you many heated arguments throughout your child’s adolescence.
You’ll need to practice not arguing over and over (for months probably) before you get really good at it, but once your child or teen develops an understanding that red herrings no longer work, they will gradually fall out of the habit of trying to suck you into these endless and frustrating conversations.
Are you in the thick of it with raising teens and tweens?
We recommend the book Gentle Parenting Reimagined: How to Make It Work with Oppositional and Defiant Kids by Paul Sunseri. Sunseri’s book is essential reading for parents wanting to create a healthy and happier home environment, as well as for therapists looking to develop their skills in working with challenging children and teens.
Parenting teens and tweens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:
Six Boundaries for Teens They’ll Thank You For Later
Overstimulation May Be Causing Your Teen’s Difficult Behavior
My Pre-Teen Son Is the One With All the Powerful Emotions
No, Your Teen Doesn’t Really Hate You
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