Leaving your 18-year-old at college, even when you’re excited about the choice of school, may be one of the hardest things you ever do. Unlike these newly-minted adults, you are aware of the potential dangers, and may be suddenly hit with all the things you didn’t get around to teaching your kid. But, despite our fears, the world isn’t any more dangerous than when we were their age (statistically speaking, it actually may be safer); the 24/7 news cycle just makes it seem so.
The first in my family to go to college, I had few reservations about leaving home. My mom loves to tell how she cried all the way home on move-in day (and moped at home for the next couple days), only to see me walk in the door four days later when I had a free afternoon. The college goodbye is not a permanent one.
Twenty some years later, it was my turn. My first-born chose a school a little over an hour from home—close enough to come home for a weekend (or for me to visit for lunch and get a couple much-needed hugs). I was fine as we moved her in and held it together saying goodbye. The tears started as I turned away; I sprinted for the car and fell apart.
Related: 10 Important Things Parents Should Never Do for Their College Freshman
By the time my fourth left for college, I knew the routine, but this campus was five hours away. This meant fewer trips home and no spontaneous lunch dates. In what was likely a subliminal attempt to avoid the empty bedroom, I booked a camping trip at a National Park on the way home. This way, I secretly rationalized, I was only an hour away if she needed me. Of course, the emotions hit, and I cried most of the way to camp, but the novelty of a mini vacation provided the distraction I needed.
But now that I’ve been through it a few times, I’d like to share a few tips to help other parents say goodbye and let their teen go (and also know that everything will be okay).
Use social media wisely
As with so many things in life, social media can make things both easier and harder. I spent more time than I’d like to admit scouring college social media posts for photos of my kids, hoping to see them happily living their best life. While I found only a few, these posts also gave me a glimpse of life in their new “home.” But sometimes social media can also lead to wallowing. When reading posts and memes about college drop off makes you feel sad or even anxious, it’s time to scroll past or take a social media break. Consider what advice you would give to your college student and follow it yourself.
This also applies to parent Facebook groups for colleges. While these can be informative, they can also cause unnecessary worry or stress during this transition time. Be thoughtful about your notifications, who you follow and what you post.
What if it’s the student, not the mom, who’s crying?
Sometimes, pre-college jitters escalate, and teens say they don’t want to go. In this case, you may need to engage in some tough love (and try to limit your own crying to the closet). Remind them of all the things they love about the school. Tell them they are competent and that you are proud of them. Point out the ways they have demonstrated independence and shown maturity. Reassure them that if this choice ends up not being the right one, they can come home again—after giving it a good try (a semester, a year, whatever makes sense for your kid and family).
Once they get there, remember that homesickness is a real thing. They may call crying— about their roommate, the food, their professors, or the lack of privacy. While these all may be legitimate concerns, they may also be fleeting. While I had no issues in the early weeks as a new college freshman, by midterm, I was ready to call it quits. Not attending college was not an option in our family, so I started to look into transferring. While I went as far as actually applying, just a few months later I had found my people and got involved (in the school paper and a couple clubs)—and I couldn’t have been happier.
Give it six weeks
No matter how much they (and you) think they are ready, college is an adjustment. Students need to learn to balance their new freedoms with new responsibilities, while sharing living space with a stranger. It should come as no surprise that some teens become overwhelmed and want to catch the next bus home. This may be the next hardest thing you do—tell them they can’t come home.
Colleges advise you to wait six weeks to visit, which is about when parents’ weekend is scheduled. Experts say it takes that long to adjust. In that time, it might be helpful (to your child and your own heart) to limit the conversations and to keep them brief.
I told my kids that I wouldn’t call right away, so they’d have time to get to know their roommates and settle in. I assured them they could call me at any time (though I later added the caveat that I would prefer to get calls after 11 only if they REALLY needed to talk to me). To be honest, this was as much for me as them; hearing their voices made me miss them more. Instead, I sent silly Snapchats and pictures of the dogs. Another great way to connect is the app BeReal (my daughter asked me to sign up) which can provide a daily “proof of life” as well as a window into their everyday world.
Related: The Momancholy Is Real After You Drop Your Child Off at College
Separation anxiety is normal – for all of us
It’s normal to feel sad when your kid leaves home for the first time. It’s also normal to be happy that your fledgling adult is moving on, and you can now move into the next stage of your life. Many of us worry that we didn’t prepare our kids enough, that they may make poor choices or end up in a dangerous situation. But we need to trust that we’ve given them the tools to make good choices and to make things right when they make bad ones. It’s tough not to share our worries, but like toddlers, they can smell fear, and it can be contagious.
I’d be lying if I said I only cried at drop off. I may have even shut the door to a room devoid of the detritus of teen life. But college goodbyes are generally temporary. They will return, often with more stuff than they left with, and plenty of stories to share.
A few other tips for surviving college drop off.
- Stay busy. Schedule some things in your calendar, such as a walking date with a friend, cleaning out a cluttered room, or seeing a movie. It’s important to start carving out a new life or keep living the one you’ve built.
- Take care of yourself. You worry if your college freshman is eating, sleeping, and caring for themself, but it’s important that you do the same during this time. You will be able to control your emotions better if you feel good.
- Ask if you can have regular check-ins. After they have their schedule, ask if there is a time you can have a regular Facetime or phone call. Know that some kids may feel overwhelmed with all their new responsibilities or social opportunities, so try to be flexible and understanding. They also may not want to talk to you in front of their new roommate, so scheduling the calls at a time that works for them is important.
- Know that you aren’t alone. Empty Nest Syndrome is real, and many parents struggle with this transition. If you find it difficult to find stable footing in this new life, know you aren’t alone. Try to find someone to talk to about it, and don’t beat yourself up. It’s okay to grieve this change. Whatever you are feeling, it’s okay.
Looking for additional help to get your teen ready for college?
We recommend The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run into in College by Harlan Cohen. This book is packed with real-life advice on topics like making friends, managing stress, choosing the perfect roommate, acing exams, and thriving in your newfound independence.
Parenting teens who are heading off to college is hard, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:
Five Parenting Mistakes I Made My Teen’s Freshman Year of High School
Over 100 of the Absolutely Best Gift Ideas for College Students
10 Things to Know about Attending College With an IEP
Dorm Room Essentials For Girls – Must-Haves, Practical, And a Little Fun
*This post may contain affiliate links where we earn a small commission for purchases made from our site.
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