Parenting teens is not for the weak of heart. It can be exasperating, terrifying, and humbling, all in the same day. Their still-developing brains cause teens to be emotional and erratic – sometimes they do incredibly stupid things and their behavior makes us question everything we’re doing. As parents, we only want what’s best for them. Sometimes that looks like protecting them from themselves, but how do we do this without permanently impacting our relationship with them? Take a deep breath and think back to what it felt like to be a teen. Remember that adolescence is just another stage, and consider that today’s actions and words can have lasting effects on the relationship we have with our kids when they become adults. While it is oh so tempting, here are some things it’s better to avoid doing.
7 Things that Will Ruin Your Relationship with Your Teen
1. Holding on too tight
Teens need extra space, both physically and emotionally. They are working out exactly who they are and need to establish themselves as their own individuals separate from you. It’s perfectly normal for them to say and do things opposite to what you would like. We’re used to making all the decisions and may worry that they will make the wrong ones, but now is the time to give them more freedom (even if in small doses) so they can learn their limits and gain confidence in their own abilities.
Imposing too many restrictions on their activities will likely push them further away. But this doesn’t mean letting your teen run wild. Just like younger children, teens thrive in environments where predictable rules are in effect. The trick is finding the right balance, especially when they insist that no one else is subject to rules. Set reasonable limits, and accept that it’s likely that your teen will mess up. Think about how you want to react before they break the rules and emotions get the best of everyone. Allowing them to make small mistakes now will help them learn how to recover from larger mistakes in the future.
2. Snooping through their stuff
If you kept a diary as a teen and still have it, pull it out sometime and read it. You might be surprised how cringe-worthy and completely insignificant much of what you wrote is today. You might also see how things can easily be misconstrued or taken out of context. If your kid has proven to be trustworthy, allow them their privacy.
When my kids got their first email, it was with the condition that they provide the password and that I reserved the right to check it if I felt the need. (I never accessed their accounts, but they knew I would if they gave me a reason to.) While I didn’t verbalize similar rules with cell phones, they knew that these devices were a privilege, one that I would withdraw if my trust was broken. My kids all willingly let me into their social media worlds (and I did find some secondary accounts they probably thought I didn’t know about) which I observed, but didn’t interact with often. If I saw something that concerned me, we talked about it. Barring evidence that they are engaging in dangerous or illegal activity, teens deserve the same privacy we would want ourselves.
Related: This Is The Type Of Conversation That Will Build Trust And Connection With Your Teen
3. Embarrassing them in front of their friends
This is a tricky one, because it’s not always clear what a teen would consider embarrassing. Your mere presence in the room or offering snacks to teens in your house can cause your teen to flinch. While my husband and I have always said it’s a parent’s job to embarrass their kids, we limit that to simply being ourselves. The embarrassment of Dad jokes or Mom taking a wrong turn isn’t likely to linger, while poking fun at them or sharing overly personal anecdotes of their lives may.
Avoid teasing your teen around their friends, or more importantly, their peers who aren’t friends. Don’t reveal personal information or ask too many questions of their peers. If you’re driving carpool, be the fly on the wall, only speaking when necessary, such as asking for directions. Embarrassing parents don’t get asked for rides or to chaperone trips (Both are great opportunities to learn more about what is going on in their lives. As long as you don’t make your presence obvious, they seem to forget you are there and talk freely.)
4. Having unrealistic expectations
An educator I know once said that adults should expect great things of high schoolers, that they will rise to the occasion and meet expectations. While this is true in many cases, some teens don’t yet have the necessary skills, and their struggles can cause anxiety, or worse. We’ve all heard about the “late bloomers” (many of us likely identify as such); the last thing these teens need is to be made to feel they aren’t good enough.
While we want our teens to do well – in school and whatever extracurriculars they choose – sometimes they will falter or even fail, and that’s okay. We may expect them to be just like we were, or hope that they exceed our accomplishments. But just like toddlers, teens mature and grow on their own timetable; there are “norms” but some tasks take longer than others to master. Social and emotional developments don’t always match physical developments. As parents, we should be advocating for our kids, not adding to the pressure.
5. Harping on the negative
Along with managing expectations, your relationship with your teen will be better if you focus on the positives. Talk about what they are doing well. Notice the new things they are trying and the time and effort they are putting into learning or mastering new skills. The teen years are a time to try new things; it’s okay if they don’t succeed right away, and even if some skills aren’t mastered at all.
While it may be tempting to use that teenage rebellious attitude against them (saying they can’t do something with the thought they will work harder to prove you wrong), a better motivator is encouraging them to try again. I have found that teens in particular need to believe that their parents believe in their abilities. And if they choose to not persist? Well, learning that you don’t like or that you’re not good at doing something can be just as important as succeeding.
You may also like to read: How I Shifted My Expectations with My Teens and Improved Our Relationship
6. Focusing on appearances
If you make negative comments about people based solely on looks, your teen will say you are shallow, and they will be right. While we may have grown up internalizing the ideas that people who look different than the “norm” are less than, there is no scientific evidence to back this up. The color of one’s hair, how someone dresses, or the number of piercings or tattoos have no correlation to IQ. (Though it IS a good idea to gently mention that our teens carefully think through any bodily changes that will have long-term effects.)
You’ve heard it before – pick your battles. When they make choices contrary to what you would like, choose to ignore or even compliment them. (Sometimes that will be enough to deter them – they might just be pushing your buttons and it’s no longer fun when you don’t react.) Teens are known for testing adults and challenging societal norms. Yes, your teen will be judged by some, but don’t be part of that jury yourself.
7. Telling them you know what they are going through
Yes, you were a teen once and there are many things about being a teenager that haven’t changed over the decades, but being a teen today is quite different from the ‘80s or ‘90s. We weren’t bombarded with news 24/7, didn’t have active shooter drills, and didn’t have images of our lives publicly displayed for the world to see.
While the intense feelings brought on by these teen struggles may mirror those we experienced, it’s not really the same. Then there’s the fact that teen brains are still maturing, causing them to simply be more emotional – parents can’t possibly understand what they are going through! Let them tell you what things are like. Ask clarifying questions and if you feel you have to comment, try something like “Wow, that must be hard.”
Focus on the Relationship You Want to Have
Let some things go. Our teens are figuring out who they are. They are working through what they want their futures to look like and how they are going to achieve their goals. Their bodies and brains are changing at a rate they haven’t seen since toddlerhood, making this time possibly the most important one to “pick your battles.” Unlike toddlers, teens will remember how you react and it will take longer to overcome feelings of distrust. You may be able to repair a damaged relationship down the road, but it’s much more enjoyable to maintain a good one instead.
Looking for a book that will help you feel less alone during these challenging years of raising teens?
We recommend You’re Not a Failure: My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either by Whitney Fleming. With this book, you can flip the narrative about raising teenagers by taking control of your emotions and responses to create a loving, supportive relationship.
Parenting teens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:
The Best Netflix Shows for Tweens and Teens Families Can Enjoy Together
9 things to do in the teen years for a solid relationship with your grown son
How to Survive the Very Uncomfortable Years of Parenting Teens
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