Dear Moms of Teens: You Don't Ever Have to Prove Your Value to Be Loved

For decades I was convinced I needed to be needed to be loved—which translated into performance, especially in the tween and teen season.

The stories my ego loved to tell all centered around a ‘lovability index’ which was essentially a laundry list of shoulds and comparative shouldn’ts regarding my role as a mom and where my behaviors fell along the self-imposed continuum. When I felt harmonious connection with my teens and had a sense of perceived value in their lives, I felt lovable and loved. When we didn’t align energetically and instead experienced the disconnect of chaos and disorder, I felt the opposite.

This lovability index was yoked to my sense of worth. A worth I clawed, scratched, and desperately tried to earn through the “success” of performance. Why? Because I believed that was how reality worked. Not only was the belief that I needed to perform a construct, but so was the measure of success. It isn’t long before you realize the self-made prisons of mental constructs we impose around ourselves—prisons which shape our experience.

We Are Already Worthy and Loved

Then I awakened to the programming and conditioning that led to such limiting beliefs. It took years to deconstruct the lies and disempowering stories around love and worth, and I’m still peeling back layers. But now, after 30 years of this mom gig, OG me KNOWS I am worthy simply because I exist. Hard stop. And because I exist, I am LOVE which makes me lovable and capable of loving by default.

No fine print. Just capital T Truth.

How does one get from the illusion of needing to earn our value and worth into the default Truth of already standing in both by our mere existence in this game of Life?

It’s all a journey of perception.

And the journey is unique to every SOUL.

You might also like to read: Motherhood During These Hard Teen Years Can Absolutely Crush You

Every path to remembering our OG self is the correct path for the SOUL experiencing the awakening. There is no right or wrong way; only the ego insists on such a dualistic approach. When we observe our lived experience from the OG self, or SOUL, we come to see there are infinite perspectives and paths leading to home, to Truth. We also come to see we are all swimming in this ocean together, seeing the one reality from infinite vantage points. Compassion for the struggle thus breeds for ALL, including ourselves.

What I can share are a few things from my experience that helped me find my way into self-love and self-worth. The beauty of the journey is that the ripple effect is the reward. Not only do we benefit from a renewed and empowered sense of self in our role as Mom, but our authenticity serves as collateral beauty for our children. We model the capacity to transform and display the healing effects of grace. We shine a new light not just for our children, but for the collective on the power of self-perception and it’s 1:1 ratio to our felt experiences.

3 Ways to Find Your Inherent Self-Worth as a Mom

1. Question every belief.

The approach I used to question my beliefs was inspired by Byron Katie’s The Work. Essentially, I began to ask whether each belief was serving me, serving my family, and serving the collective. This was coupled with questioning how I behaved when I clung to a belief and who I would be if I let the belief go. These questions are simple and yet profoundly deep if you can be vulnerable and courageous enough to allow the answers to surface.

I understand now that beliefs are what we adhere to when we don’t know. They are like buoys that appear to keep us safe and afloat, but when we peer into the depths, we realize they often prevent us from moving and exploring more of the ocean. Knowingness is beyond beliefs and provides a contentment far surpassing any mental safeguard.

2. Honor every emotion.

Embrace the gift of this expression of SOUL you are experiencing in a space-time suit called a body. A temporary body that houses your Divinity and allows you to enjoy the delight of your children as well as yourself. We experience our SOUL through our emotions. Emotions are energy in motion. Emotions are the internal guidance system alerting us to where we are feeling the tension of limited beliefs or the expansiveness of knowingness that defines our OG selves.

LOVE is the only emotion (energy) and it contains all others, just like white contains all colors. None are ‘good or bad,’ they just are. This is a huge shift of perception in the tween and teen season because we can look at the rapid cycle of emotions in our young adult kids and appreciate the natural process they are experiencing without judgment. Not to mention the natural process in ourselves when our ego loses its flipping mind!

3. Be grateful for every experience.

Gratitude is the great equalizer. When we start to dig into our belief systems (abbreviated as b.s. for a reason) we begin to remember that Life happens for us, not to us. We are creating our reality as a real-time experience to help our SOUL grow and evolve. AND if we are mothers, we are privileged to share this journey with our children. My kids have for sure been my GREATEST TEACHERS and have made me a better human by pointing me back to my SOUL on the regular. That alone leaves me speechless with gratitude each day.

Momma, you don’t need to perform to be loved or to prove your worth before receiving it. Your existence in this Life is all the proof you need. Allow yourself to exhale into your worth and inhale the gift of your pure loving awareness–your true OG identity as a SOUL.

Enjoy the gift of YOU every breath as you enjoy and journey alongside the gift of your beloved children no matter what each now moment brings.

Be well, be love, be beautiful YOU…

Want to develop a deeper connection with your teen?

Looking for more information on how to improve your relationship with your teenagers? Check out this book by our Parenting Teens & Tween’s co-founder Whitney Fleming, You’re Not a Failure: My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either.