Recently, a friend shared a story about her daughter who is heading to college next year. Via her future college’s Instagram page, she hooked up with three other girls to share a dorm room suite during her freshman year. They started a group chat and started coordinating a time to meet. A few weeks later, one of the girls stopped responding. Despite repeated attempts and phone calls, the girl did not answer.
After some “Internet stalking” and outreach to another student at the girl’s school, they discovered that she decided to live with her high school best friend who committed to the same college at the last minute. Instead of being honest, she “ghosted” the girls and made the situation incredibly awkward. My friend said that the girls wouldn’t have minded at all if she had just responded honestly, but now they were angry because they had lost time trying to find a fourth roommate and did not like her behavior.
It was just so unnecessary.
Even if you haven’t heard about it before, you have likely been ghosted at some point in your life. The relatively new term (it was added to the dictionary in 2017) describes the abrupt cessation of communication that essentially ends a relationship. While ghosting seems to be most common in romantic relationships, it also happens between friends (or even in the work environment.) Unfortunately, it’s also becoming a major problem between teenagers since most of their communication is online.
Teen Ghosting is a Major Problem
While we all know this behavior is wrong, it seems like it may be on the upswing. A 2018 survey of U.S. adults found that more than 25 percent of respondents had previously been ghosted, but in a study only five years later, that number jumped to 72 percent. And a recent Pew study indicates that 42 percent of young adults (age 18 to 29) have experienced ghosting in a romantic relationship, more than any other age group in the study.
Experts seem to agree that the uptick in ghosting is driven, at least in part, by the online world most of us now inhabit. When you chat with an avatar rather than speaking face to face, the impact isn’t easily seen. Too often, we forget that a real person, with real feelings, is on the other side. Many teens simply will “ghost” someone to end a friendship or to avoid including another person, and it can devastate the person on the other side.
Related: 8 Tips to Help Your Teen Communicate More Effectively in Today’s Digital World
To be clear, we are not talking about refusing to respond to rude or stalking behavior but instead the deliberate cessation of personal communication. Sometimes ghosting is done to prevent hurt feelings, such as when someone is not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, doesn’t want to deliver bad news, or turn down an invitation, but (the older crowd will understand this reference) ghosting is an even harsher version of a “Dear John letter.”
Why should we care about teen ghosting?
Ghosting can have a profound impact on mental health, not only for the one being ghosted but also for the “ghoster”. In fact, a 2023 study of 16- to 21-year-olds in Germany indicates that repeatedly ghosting friends can lead to lower self-esteem and higher levels of depression. It is also known to impact anxiety because it causes people to spiral theories on why there was not a response.
The teen years mark a period of rapid growth in many areas. The U.S. Department of Health & Human Services explains that adolescent development is much more than just physical changes; teens also experience significant cognitive, emotional, social, and moral changes, all of which often overlap and intersect. Parents can help teens navigate these changes by learning more about teenage brain development, the challenges and opportunities of modern teens, and how they differ from those of our own youth.
Ghosting isn’t necessarily malicious
There are a number of reasons why people ghost others. From the viewpoint of the victim, it certainly feels mean, but the motivations for ghosting are generally more selfish or self-centered than malicious. They can even be altruistic. Some common reasons include:
- They no longer want to be in a relationship and don’t want to hurt the other person
- They are uncomfortable expressing their feelings
- They are angry with the other person
- They feel unsafe in a relationship
- They are too busy to keep up with the conversation (and then embarrassed at how much time has passed)
- They don’t want to have or lack courage to have hard conversations
- They lack communication skills
Of course, there are people who have a lack of regard for other’s feelings or simply go through life avoiding one uncomfortable situation after another, but for most, they do not have nor have they seen modeled the right way to manage a difficult or awkward conversation.
Related: 7 Surefire Ways to Boost Your Middle School Daughter’s Confidence
What if your child is the ghost?
After your initial mortification, you may decide to butt out, thinking that it’s none of your business. But aside from the fact that (from the victim side) ghosting comes off as rude, disrespectful, and just plain mean, consider the possible social implications for ghosts: they will lose trust among their peers, may lose some valued friendships, and may also experience intense feelings of guilt, shame, or regret.
A male student who participated in a 2021 study admitted that ghosting could become a bad habit and that individuals might not learn healthy ways to end a relationship. You also should consider whether ghosting is a symptom or an indication that your child is struggling.
How to talk to your teen about ghosting
Because ghosting often happens online, it could be difficult to know if your child participates in this type of behavior (spoiler alert, they most likely have.) Because adolescence is a long stage and many kids develop differently and on vastly different timelines, it’s a good idea to have frequent conversations about this starting in middle school. Digital communication, social media and text messages can be hard to manage for many kids, so parents need to stay involved.
If you do find out that your child ghosted another, keep in mind that it does not make them a bad person–it just means they made a bad choice. Before you react, search for the real reason behind the ghosting. If it is cowardice, immaturity, or a desire to control others, call it what it is. Be frank with your teen and explain why this behavior is unacceptable. Flip the script and ask how they would feel about being ghosted.
Most tweens and teens want to avoid hurting others and may think doing nothing is less hurtful than being honest. Many also fear the strong emotions surrounding conflict. When discussing ghosting with your big kids, explain how ignoring a problem or person often worsens it. Point out that all relationships require work and that ghosting is not only the coward’s way out, it also shows a tremendous lack of respect for others, and themselves. And most of all, let them know that ghosting is a form of social rejection, so it actually can hurt a person much more, particularly if they have issues such as abandonment, anxiety, low self-esteem, or other mental health struggles.
If they need to end a relationship, advise your teen to be upfront and honest. Of course they should also find a way to be kind. No one likes rejection, but it is preferable to being strung along. Encourage them to come to you when they feel stuck and you can help them develop some language on what to say without judgment. Remember, the lesson is teaching your child to have tough conversations, not lecture them on their reasons behind their decisions.
If it is simply a matter of being too busy, point out that a quick text saying just that is better than no response at all. (They can go a step further and tell the other person to feel free to remind them if they don’t hear back)
Related: Teaching My Kids What True Friendship Looks Like is a Hard, but Valuable Life Lesson
Some kids who ghost are struggling
Though it sounds counter-intuitive, ghosting can indicate underlying issues that teens can’t manage on their own. These may be serious enough to seek professional help, such as a psychologist or trained mental health therapist, or may be resolved by talking things through with a trusted adult.
Some reasons why adolescents may ghost include:
- Mental Fatigue–They may be overwhelmed by juggling the demands of school, a job, and relationships. Keeping up with multiple social media platforms and the quest for likes can add extra stress.
- Self-protection—Teenagers can feel threatened, not just physically but also emotionally. Big emotions can be difficult to understand, and developmentally, many teens may not be ready for what appears to be the obvious next step.
- Low self-esteem –-Many adolescents struggle with their self-esteem during puberty and may feel unworthy of the relationship. This can be exacerbated if they are too busy to respond, then think too much time has passed, which in turn makes them look like a bad friend.
- Depression/Anxiety–Some teens may be prone to ruminating and may decide to pre-empt an anticipated breakup (that may or may not actually be on the horizon) by withdrawing from the relationship altogether.
- Lack of maturity/empathy–Empathy is like a muscle that needs to be worked, and it’s important to remember that not everyone is born with it. As parents, it’s important for us to recognize the maturity level of our kids and continuously guide them to make empathetic choices.
Like all other conflicts with our teens, communication is important. Talk about your values and why treating people with respect is important. Discuss what traits they want to see in a friend or romantic interest and which are non-negotiable. Suggest healthy conflict resolution strategies. Help them express their feelings and talk about ways to reject someone’s advances.
Discussing the professional ramifications of ghosting, such as leaving an employer hanging or ignoring messages is also important. You never know when you may need to reach out to someone again or if a future employer may contact someone they used to work for.
Teenagers may struggle with their emotions and often have immature communication skills, but most do care about how others think of them.
If you are looking for more encouragement on raising teens, check out of this book by the co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens: Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love.
Parenting teens and tweens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:
This Is Why Teen Girls Are So Mean to Their Mothers
How to Help Your Daughter Deal With A Mean Girl Friendship
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