A Teen’s Bad Choices Don’t Always Come From Bad Parents

This is a contributed post by Courtney Edman, MS, PT, CEIS, the founder and president of 2tametheshamE, Inc. Parenting Community, a unique group for parents of neurodivergent children, teens and young adults.

There is a question that I have wrestled with in my journey of parenting three kids who are now young adults. While I never questioned my ability as a parent with two of my children, the journey I have been on with my middle child has led me on an unexpected and for many years, difficult path of frustration, uncertainty, doubt, helplessness, and even shame. He would not listen, follow our rules, do homework, complete chores, go to sleep, brush his teeth, and would even lie and manipulate situations so that he could get what he wanted even though he knew it would result in us being upset.

I would hear other parents talk about taking their child’s phone away if they didn’t do “x”, and I would think, oh yes, why don’t I do that? But then I would remember that such a penalty wouldn’t change anything; he would just find his way to another device, and it wouldn’t ever result in him doing homework, falling asleep, or telling the truth. ‘

I felt helpless, deflated, and at my wit’s end. No amount of supervision seemed to change anything. I had tried setting boundaries and reigning in control; the problem was that it always backfired or at best, changed nothing. The worst part was that the more I tried to impose consequences, the more my relationship with my son, my spouse, and truthfully with myself, struggled.

Related: Overstimulation May Be Causing Your Teen’s Difficult Behavior

Am I a Bad Parent?

I know that I am not alone in this experience. I have coached many parents who have expressed similar sentiments. And while we share a common concern about how to teach our child to cooperate, listen, be respectful, and manage their own emotions, we also share another common concern. We fear being seen as an incompetent parent because we can’t manage or control our child’s behavior.

The dilemma, however, is that for me and for many others, we also have children who act in ways that align with our values, are respectful, responsible, and meet expectations.

So what is the answer to the question, “Are our children a reflection of us and our parenting?” If we have a child who follows the rules and one who doesn’t know what rules are, does it mean we are a bad parent, aren’t involved enough, aren’t strict enough, or otherwise aren’t enough of something? How should we interpret these challenging behaviors as it relates to our parenting? Are we responsible for their grades, friends, tantrums, lying, success in sports, theater, or music? It is a complex answer, but having learned about the teenage brain and its impact on behavior, I think the short answer is a definitive “no, not entirely.”

You may also like: Parenting Teens Means Dealing with Their Bad Choices

We Are Not Entirely Responsible for Our Child’s Actions—the Good and the Bad

Certainly our parenting and the values we articulate (and more importantly model) influence
what our kids learn and how they show up and act in this world. But that parenting influence is not the only factor involved in our children’s behavior (or misbehavior), meeting of our and/or society’s expectations, and in the daily decisions they make. Our parenting is only one factor amongst many that impacts what our children do at each stage of development, and especially in the tween years and beyond.

We can neither take full blame for their actions and trajectory in this world when they are not following our rules, meeting our expectations, becoming what we envisioned, or acting in alignment with our values, nor can we take full credit for their success and accomplishments in life.

Our children are guided and influenced by us, but they are not and cannot be controlled by us (as much as we would like to think we can). They are separate individuals, born with their own brains, nervous systems, needs, free will, and numerous other factors that impact their learning, decision-making, preferences, skills, actions, and timelines for achieving different milestones.

This is a hard truth to acknowledge and to accept as we guide and parent our children, but
when we can accept this truth to our core, it can be freeing to know that it isn’t our fault that our child is doing what they are doing; there is probably some other variable at play.

This truth doesn’t absolve us of our responsibility to try to raise responsible, hard-working, respectful children. Instead, it can reassure us in moments of challenge when we feel helpless, afraid, or frustrated, that there is most likely something else other than just our parenting impacting the child’s behavior. As Dr. Mona Delahooke says, we must look “Beyond Behaviors” and get curious about what “thing” or those “things” might be contributing to that challenging behavior.

Other Factors that Contribute to a Child’s Behavior

If you have followed our work at 2tametheshamE, Inc. or listened to our SEE ME podcast, you might be able to predict what factors other than parenting can influence a child’s behavior and actions:

• their developing brain: its wiring, chemistry, intelligence, and pace of maturing
• their fight-flight-freeze response (autonomic nervous system)
• their executive function skills
• their social skills
• peers
• other adults in their lives
• life experiences
• medication
• birth history
• nutrition
• sleep
• and other factors that are too numerous to mention

My hope, though, in talking about this and in bringing all of these factors to your attention is that it becomes easier to conclude, like I have, that no matter our kids’ actions, path in life, ability to meet expectations and be the child/teen that we envisioned (or not) is certainly influenced by us and our parenting, but how our kids show up in life is truly not a direct reflection of us or our parenting; there are too many other factors at play for them to be a reflection of us only.

You’re Not Failing as a Parent

This conclusion has been one that has helped me along my journey, and I hope it will help you, too, to let go of several thoughts and emotions I have had along the way:

• my guilt and sense of failure as a parent
• my fear of being perceived as a bad parent by others
• my fear of being perceived as too permissive of a parent because I don’t impose consequences in the same way that other parents do in response to unmet expectations
• my fear of my child being perceived as disrespectful, lazy, and unmotivated

Additionally, I have also come to terms with the fact that at times, I will have moments of being human with how I feel about my child, myself, and our relationship:

• being frustrated with his process and inability to do things I expect of him
• being sad about lost opportunities
• feeling helpless at times because I am not in control or I am unable to change or protect him from the process of learning to do hard things
• knowing that imposing consequences won’t necessarily change behaviors but tend to lead to other equally challenging behaviors like lying, manipulating, or hiding things from me
• not liking his responses or actions or even HIM sometimes, and yet still needing to show up as a loving, patient, caring, resilient mother who refuses to give up
• not liking the fact that lost my ability to stay calm and compassionately curious and my emotions got the better of me
• not liking that I yelled (but I apologized and acknowledged to him that I am human and we repaired our relationship)
• being exhausted from all the mental and emotional advocacy and extra effort required to communicate with him in a way that is empowering and collaborative
• being disappointed that another expectation wasn’t met and the progress I had hoped would occur, hasn’t yet
• and so many other things

Accepting Your Child for Who They Are (and Accepting Yourself for the Parent You Are)

And, it is through this process of letting go (a part of the grief cycle) and accepting that I am human and so is my child, that I have been able to fully embrace this truth: my
son’s decisions and path in life are not a reflection of me or my parenting in a bad way. In fact, he is going to find his way in this world because I have shifted my perspective of not letting his path in life define me as a parent. Instead, I have allowed his path in life to help me become a better parent—one that he needs me to be rather than the one I thought I would be.

What does it look like when we can shift our perspective and meet our kids where they are?

• We lean into our relationship and find ways to connect in ways that we both enjoy and are not focused on changing our child’s behavior.
• We learn methods for communicating with our child like compassionate curiosity and problem-solving and the 8 Steps to Effective Communication rather than nagging or directing our kids when expectations aren’t being met.
• We reflect on what we need and what our kids need, rather than letting our actions be driven by the needs of others (emotional connection, to be loved and accepted, to feel safe and secure, to feel valued, to feel accomplished, to have fun, to feel seen and heard and understood, to feel successful, etc.)
• We see our kids through a skills-based perspective and help them learn the skills they don’t yet have so we can provide the necessary scaffolding they need to meet expectations.
• We meet them where they are in terms of readiness and help them figure out what “next” looks like for them.
• We remember the neurodiversity iceberg—that behaviors are typically a sign of something underneath and will respond better to “bottom up strategies” that address the root of the behavior.
• We have fun, laugh, and do things that our child enjoys and let them take the lead in activities of their choice to build their confidence.

The process for getting to this stage and being able to do all of these things is different for
everyone. It takes seeing behavior through the lens of an underlying need or skill that hasn’t been met and shifting our approach to meet that need. Sometimes as parents we need outside help like a doctor, therapist, coach, teacher, or a combination of professionals to identify the underlying need(s). Modeling for our children that asking for emotional support is okay; it reinforces to them that it isn’t a sign of failure or incompetence, but rather a sign that we don’t always have all the answers that others might have.

I hope that the answer I have provided to the initial question has provided you with some relief and space to breathe, be human, relax, and while also honoring that yes, you can have an influence on your child and that your parenting DOES make a difference and your efforts, influence and modeling matter, but they are not the only factors involved in your child’s behavior. It is much more complicated than being just about us.

Courtney Edman, MS, PT, CEIS is founder and president of 2tametheshamE, Inc. Parenting Community. Join here and use code TWEENSnTEENS for a $15 monthly discount!

Are you looking for more encouragement for raising your teens and tweens?

Check out this book, Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love, by the owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens, Whitney Fleming. The book contains 55 relatable essays about raising tweens and teens in today’s modern and chaotic world.

Parenting teens and tweens is a tough job, but you’re not alone. These posts might help:

How to Protect Your Teen’s Self-Esteem When Life Pushes Them Down

Dear Parents: You Are Not a Failure-It’s Just Hard Raising Teenagers

10 Commons Battles that Will Destroy the Relationship with Your Teen

House Rules to Teach Teens to Be Safe and Respectful

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