The following is a contributed post by Dwayne Cooper, author of There’s Levels to This: Consistent Parenting Through Chameleon Practices.
During one of my pastor’s sermons a few years ago, he recounted a conversation he’d had with a friend. Pastor Steven’s eldest son was nearing college age, and they were discussing how his relationship with his children was changing as they grew older and closer to adulthood. Pastor Steven’s friend said, “You have to understand that in a few years you’re going to go from being the CEO to a consultant in his life.” Later in the sermon Pastor Steven added, “In a few years I’m going to go from CEO to not getting a vote… and I founded the company!”
These words really struck me in the moment, largely because my own sons are about the same age as Pastor Steven’s, and they have stayed with me ever since. I think these words perfectly describe the transition that occurs in your parent-to-child relationship after your child graduates high school. Regardless of whether they enroll as a college student, enter the work force, or enlist in the military, the same holds true. Your relationship with your child will undergo a major transition in this phase. Your role will truly shift from CEO to that of a consultant.
How The Hierarchy of Parenting Changes
Prior to this point, there was a very clear hierarchy in your family or “corporate” dynamic. Mom and Dad were at the top of the organization chart in the role of co-CEO and all the children followed in age order. There was no questioning the boss, you did as you were told, and you knew your role. All final decisions flowed from the top down, and it was not a democracy. As a parent, you knew there was no threat of a veto.
And then suddenly, everything changes.
Your child has now launched a sister company and while it may receive heavy financial backing from the bank of Mom and Dad, they sit as CEO of this startup. Suddenly, you find yourself in the new and uncomfortable position of consultant. You can feel free to express your opinion, offer your words of wisdom supported by years of experience, and even make full blown presentations to persuade your child to take a specific course of action.
What you can’t do however, or to be more precise, what you can no longer do, is force your child to do as you say. Consultants don’t give orders; they make suggestions. Informed, high-quality suggestions, but suggestions nonetheless. The first time you have a significant conversation with your child regarding an important topic or decision and they politely decline to take your advice and go in a different direction instead can be a very humbling experience.
You may also like to read: Dear Son At College, That’s Not My Job Anymore
As a parent, the idea that your child now has the option of saying “no” is a foreign concept to you. It feels wrong to you and even scary, but this is your new reality. You still have your child’s best interest at heart, and you still offer what you consider to be the best next steps for the situation at hand, and that will never change. But your child was always going to become an adult at some point and fully take over the decision making process for themselves.
Eighteen Isn’t a Magic Number
Now, don’t mistake this transition to mean you can no longer pull rank and set your adult child straight when the situation calls for it. I have heard friends and colleagues share stories of their child taking a disrespectful attitude towards a situation where the parent still holds a certain level of control and the parent ends with, “What can I do? They’re eighteen.”
It’s as if they are throwing their hands up and surrendering, like the child turning eighteen means they are now peers and no longer in a parent and child relationship. I assure you, while there are levels to this, a level where you and your children become peers isn’t one of them. My response to the “What can I do? They’re eighteen” scenarios may include the following: “If being eighteen gives you the right to speak to me disrespectfully, then you can pay your own cell phone bill, Miss Independent.”
Maybe it sounds more like, “Son, since you think you can come and go all hours of the night while leaving the house a mess and treating us like we’re just your landlord, then you should feel comfortable with paying rent here. Have that to me by the first of the month to avoid late fees.”
The message is clear. Eighteen isn’t some magic number that means you can erase the parent and child relationship and no longer honor your parents and give them the respect they deserve, yet at the same time have your hand out to Mom and Dad and ask for things. That isn’t what stepping into adulthood means or what it looks like.
You may also like to read: How to Embrace the Transition of Your Teens Growing Into Adults
Some may develop this false bravado and be under the impression that turning eighteen means they can now discard everything their parents said and be selective about what rules they choose to follow while still relying on their parents’ wallets. They may not have to do what you say anymore, but they do have to continue to show you all the honor love and respect that you deserve as their parents, and you should never hesitate to hold them accountable for that, no matter their age.
Finding Joy in the Transition Instead of Resentment
We love our kids. We want them to be successful and happy and there is nothing we wouldn’t do to make sure they are just that. We knew what that looked like from the CEO seat. Giving up that control is hard. We want to hold on to that control just a little while longer. We want to hold on to our children just a little while longer. Just a little bit closer. Just a little bit tighter.
This is why we can’t hold on too tight to them. This is easier said than done for sure, but we must let them branch out to expand their responsibilities and accountability, while rejoicing instead of resenting, the new freedom we get as a result of it. The focus shifts from “I’m their mom / I’m their dad” to “That’s my son! / That’s my daughter!” Up until now there were certain areas where it was your responsibility to provide them with things and do certain things for them. Now, as they step into adulthood, they are inheriting some of those responsibilities from you. And as they do and you see how well they do with these new responsibilities you should be celebrating them.
You’re going to have more free time and less responsibility now. As time goes on you can shift from a provider role into a safety net role. This is prime time for you to spend more time on yourself and with your husband or wife. Get back to how it was in the dating phase in some ways. You need to celebrate successfully raising your kids into meaningful contributors to society, especially in the crazy world we live in now.
This is a contributed post from Dwayne Cooper, author of There’s Levels to This: Consistent Parenting Through Chameleon Practices.
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