Inside this post: It’s easier than you think to discuss porn with your teen sons and daughters (yes, daughters too!). Here’s how to get it done.
It starts with ready access to pornography
As a teenager in the late 80s, I don’t recall either of my parents ever having to talk to me about the dangers of pornography, and that’s because if I wanted to catch an illicit peek at nude grown adults, my choices were either an issue of National Geographic, or my public library’s copy of “The Joy of Sex,” both seemingly innocuous options.
There’s no doubt we’re in an entirely different environment now when it comes to instant and effortless access to nudity and pornography-both soft and hard-core, and if you don’t believe me, here’s a startling fact: Helen Roberts, founder of the non-profit Dignify, revealed a survey of more than 1,000 young people in schools found that the average age young people reported first watching pornography was 12 to 13 years old, though some said they had viewed it as young as five.
When to talk to your kids about pornography
But when, where, and exactly HOW you have the porn talk with your teen or ‘tween son (I raised four sons; hence my perspective is male, but the same goes for daughters) are questions that parents still find awkward, uncomfortable, and very difficult to answer.
And whose job is it anyways? Mom’s? Dad’s? Is age nine too young? Is age nine too late? How much do they need to know?
You can waste hours on the internet reading what the so-called advice experts give on having the porn talk, but sometimes you just want to hear from regular moms in the trenches on what worked for them.
I recently asked other boy moms to share what they did, and ended up with these great tips to help you fear the conversation less and give you confidence to get it done. (Again, advice is applicable to girls too!)
Six tips to help you discuss pornography with your tweens and teens
1. The age you have “the talk” depends on *your* kid
Keep in mind that just like all the generic advice in parenting books doesn’t apply to every child, so is the same with advice on porn, which because of the subject matter, lends itself to a higher degree is discretion for when you start talking about it. This means that while your friend’s ten-year-old may be emotionally advanced and ready enough to learn about the dangers of porn, maybe your ten-year-old still believes in Santa Claus.
If that’s the case, one mom suggests starting off with a simple conversation about body autonomy and what to do when we first see something, including naked images and video, that we don’t understand but know makes us uncomfortable. From there, as they mature, you can slowly get into more in-depth discussions.
Related: How to Help Tweens and Teens Manage Unwanted Sexual Content Online
2. Who should give the talk: Mom of Dad?
I assumed that since we had all sons, my husband was the ideal parent to give the porn talk, kind of like “man to man,” but I was dead wrong.
Turns out he was more squeamish about it than I was, so I ended up doing it. Here’s the thing, the parent who is the most confident about their ability to tell it like it is should be the presenter. The last thing you want is a parent stumbling around their words and more embarrassed than their child. So, if it’s a mom talking to her son or a dad talking to his daughter, who cares as long as it’s being done successfully.
After the first initial break-the-ice discussion, things generally flow easier, so that’s when the more hesitant parent can come in later and add their advice, because the porn discussion is not a one-time thing!
Related: Why Is It So Dang Hard to Talk with Teens about Sex?
3. Why it’s not a one-time conversation
Just like I mentioned above, even though after that first discussion is complete and you may feel a huge sigh of relief, you’re not done. Not even close. When my oldest was 11, Instagram and Snapchat didn’t even exist, so you can imagine how with more and more phone apps and technologies coming out constantly, you’re going to need to keep talking about where the dangers of porn are found, and how such things will always try to infiltrate our devices (and our lives). Porn content producers and distributors, as well as pedophiles, get smarter and wiser every day and more savvy at reaching our kids. Keep having talks.
Related: Family Dinners with Teens Are Hard–6 Tips to Make This Time Better
4. Sex is normal, porn is not
It can be hard to talk about sex with kids and ensure them that it’s a normal, natural, and healthy part of adulthood and committed relationships while at the same time trying to explain that some sex is none of those things.
We don’t want our teens to be ashamed of having sexual feelings, but we do want them to know that much of the porn industry is not about loving and committed sex. They need to understand that most pornography is exploitive and degrading to women, and at many times underage females and males. Additionally, participants can be part of sex trafficking and drug abuse.
It’s also important to talk about how watching porn can lead to sexual dysfunction issues, and that in no way does porn represent real intimacy or what real-world relationships, especially intercourse, looks like. Instead it’s mechanical, unrealistic, at times violent, and is a “cartoon” of human sexuality.
And though it may be “fake,” by no means is it “harmless.”
Related: This Is One Of The Most Important Conversations You Can Have With Your Teen Son
5. Internet filters work until they don’t
Home internet filters are amazing and wonderful things, and have kept many children from seeing something they’re not supposed to. It can intercept dangerous messages or alert a parent that their child may be involved in a bad situation or talking to bad people. (We recommend using BARK, which allows you to monitor and block content, manage time spent on social media, and will alert you to potentially harmful interactions.)
But these filters can also be too restrictive, and seeing how much of school is now completed online and how many teens need to Google anatomical vocab words just to pass high school biology, there comes a point where the filters become moot.
In their place, you’re going to need teenagers with the willpower and wherewithal to click OUT of pages instantly they know are explicit, while at the same time keeping their internet search engines freely open.
This is when the porn talk becomes about personal responsibility and moral gumption, and not just about dirty images. This is especially important to have when teens at home reach the age of 18 and are free to embrace porn as entertainment legally.
Related: Six Boundaries for Teens They’ll Thank You For Later
6. Just do it
Sorry for the “do it” pun, but like all tough jobs we have as parents, we sometimes need a gentle push to get it done.
There are much worse things to discuss than internet pornography, so fearing the talk itself is no reason to not have it. Try first to bring it up riding in the car as you’re driving, as teens are typically more open to talking there because of no awkward face-to-face “looking at each other” moments. Start with short little micro conversations about it, then move on, and bring it up again a few weeks later.
Remind your kids it’s your responsibility as a parent to protect their minds and bodies from potential risks and dangers, and porn is just simply another danger, and in the same way you’d talk about the dangers of drinking and driving, you’re going to be talking to them about porn.
Finally, for additional resources for talking to your kids about porn, try asking a friend with kids the same age. Remember how that worked with other issues when the kids were little? Sometimes the best advice is from a peer living the same life as you, so don’t be shy. I bet they’re wanting the same info as you, and two heads are always better than one!
This is a contributed post. Melissa Fenton is a freelance writer, adjunct librarian, and St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital Awareness Ambassador. She writes at 4 Boys Mother. Her writing can be found all over the internet, but her work is mostly on the dinner table.
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